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| IN SICKNESS BY TIMA |
CHAPTERS 61 - 65 |
Tea: You're not eating. Would you rather have something else?
Todd: Um...no...uh...well...
Tea: I could get something else for you.
Todd: No...no...this...this is fine. (Todd shovels a large amount of food into his mouth) See? (with his mouth still full) It's fine.
[Tea smiles at her husband as he continues to shove food into his mouth as he watches her intently.]
*********************
[As Tea tries to eat she becomes unnerved by the intensity of Todd's gaze in her direction. He finished eating before her and has been openly staring at her for several minutes. Tea finally gives up and pushes her plate away from herself slightly.]
Tea: I guess...um...I guess I'm kind of full.
Todd: So, eating's over?
Tea: Uh, yeah.
[Without saying anything else Todd gets up and leaves the kitchen. Tea's not sure what she's supposed to do, if Todd wants her to follow him or not. She sits at the table for a minute trying to get her emotions under control before putting the dishes in the sink and slowly making her way to their bedroom.
Entering the bedroom, Tea finds Todd in bed, under the covers, with his back toward her. Understanding that Todd clearly does not want their earlier physical intimacy to continue Tea takes off her robe and realizes she still isn't wearing anything on her upper body. She considers putting on a shirt but since Todd's been okay about her being in bed without a shirt in the past she decides not to bother. She takes off her pants so she'll be more comfortable and gets into bed wearing nothing but her underwear. Knowing that Todd needs his physical space Tea doesn't touch him and is careful to stay on her side of the bed. She turns on her side, facing away from him, and tries to sleep.
Hours later...
Unable to sleep a frustrated Tea gets out of bed and puts her robe on before leaving the bedroom. A few minutes later, when she hasn't returned, Todd goes in search of his wife. He finds her downstairs, curled up in his chair in front of the television. Even with the sound of the television playing in the background he can hear Tea crying. Instantly his heart breaks. He did it again...he made her cry again. He approaches slowly until he's next to her. He kneels down next to the chair and reaches his hand out and strokes the side of her head. She jumps up startled at his touch.]
Tea: Um...uh...I was...uh...I was watching something...and...it...uh...it made me cry.
Todd: What were you watching?
[They both turn toward the television and watch for a few seconds as an old rerun of The Mickey Mouse Club plays on the TV. Todd turns toward Tea with a questioning look.]
Tea: Well...Disney shows make me cry.
Todd: Then maybe you shouldn't watch them.
[Tea dabs at her face with a tissue and tries to stop her overwhelming emotions. Todd watches her for a moment uncertain what to do.]
Todd (gesturing to the chair she's in): Do you want me to sit with you?
Tea: Huh?
Todd: When you were sick we did that. We sat together. It made you feel better, right? It helped you fall asleep. Maybe it would help you sleep tonight too.
Tea: I don't know.
Todd: Okay.
Tea (placing her hand on his cheek): Is that what you want to do?
Todd: I don't know. I have to do something. I didn't mean to make you cry.
Tea: You didn't. It was...
Todd: Stop lying to me. You were only down here for a couple of minutes before I came down. I know you're crying because of me.
[Tea doesn't know what to say. She certainly didn't want to hurt him. She didn't even want him to know that she was crying or that she couldn't sleep.]
Tea: Why couldn't you sleep?
Todd: I was sleeping just fine.
Tea: Then how did you know that I've only been down here for a few minutes?
Todd: Um...
Tea (laughing): We're pathetic.
Todd: This is nothing. We've been way more pathetic than this before.
Tea (looking at him seriously): This will never be easy, will it?
Todd: I never promised you easy, Tea.
Tea: No, you didn't.
Todd: So, why are you crying this time?
Tea: It's nothing. Go back to bed.
Todd: Are you going to stay down here?
Tea: For awhile.
Todd: Maybe I'll stay too.
Tea (as Todd stands up): You don't have to.
Todd (sitting in the other chair): I want to. I couldn't sleep anyway. We could watch TV together like we did sometimes when you were sick, remember?
Tea: I remember.
Todd (grabbing the remote control): I hope there's something good on or at least some new infomercials. I was getting tired of watching the same ones.
Tea: Maybe we can find some new ones for you to make fun of.
Todd: Me? I seem to recall you taking a few jabs at them yourself.
Tea: Well...some of them deserve it.
[Later...
Tea and Todd are still sitting in front of the television, watching the end of an old movie. Todd hears Tea sniffling next to him. He looks over and sees her dabbing her eyes with a tissue and her body is shaking slightly from her renewed crying.]
Todd: Should I get you some water?
Tea: What for?
Todd: So you don't get dehydrated from all the crying.
Tea (tossing her tissue at him): Very funny.
Todd (ducking the tissue): That's disgusting.
[Tea laughs briefly, sighs loudly and then begins crying again.]
Todd: It's just a movie, Tea.
Tea: But it was so sad.
Todd: Well, next time we're gonna watch a horror movie, okay? There's no crying at horror movies.
Tea: I don't know about that. I seem to recall you laughing so hard a few times when we've watched them in the past that I thought I saw your eyes start to water.
Todd: Yeah, well, at least I never sat and blubbered because of some stupid chick flick.
Tea: I don't think that was a chick flick.
Todd: If it makes a chick cry then it's a chick flick.
Tea: I see.
Todd: So, um, are you going to tell me why you were crying earlier?
Tea (looking away): Um...
Todd: It was because of me, right?
Tea (looking back at him): I...it...
Todd: Come on. You're into this telling each other everything garbage. Are you mad at me?
Tea: No.
Todd: That's a lie.
Tea: No, it isn't.
Todd (not believing her): So, you're okay with what I did?
Tea: It's...
Todd (getting frustrated): Just say it.
Tea: It hurt me but it's not your fault.
Todd: Then whose fault is it?
Tea: It isn't anyone's fault.
Todd: It's my fault, just admit it. I broke your heart again, right? I hurt you.
Tea: Not on purpose. I know that. I know you don't mean to.
Todd: That doesn't matter when you end up crying.
Tea: It wasn't just you walking out of the kitchen and finding you upstairs clearly not wanting, um, human contact.
Todd: Was it that thing about telling you when I need space instead of just taking it?
Tea: It's more than that.
Todd: Was it because you wanted to do stuff when we got back to the bedroom?
Tea: It's more than that.
Todd: Well, then just tell me what the hell it is because I'm no good at guessing this stuff.
Tea: You've been pretty good so far.
Todd: Tell me what made you cry.
Tea: It was all of it and it was more than that. I don't even know myself entirely. I was lying there in bed with you and I didn't want to feel this way. I knew that you were hurting and I knew that you needed some distance and that's okay. I've told you before and I meant it, if you need space, if you need me not to touch you for a while, that's okay.
Todd: But it hurt you?
Tea: I couldn't help it. I want to be with you. We didn't have to have sex. I wanted to but we didn't have to. After what I did in the bathroom it didn't surprise me that you didn't want to touch me but I couldn't help it that it hurt. It hurts when you won't touch me just like it does when you won't look at me or talk to me. I was laying in bed with you, and believe me I know that it probably wasn't easy for you to be there so I appreciate that you didn't go to a different room, but it started to... I don't know. I guess the longer I laid there the more lonely it felt. I didn't want to cry in front of you. I didn't want to hurt you. It was my fault not yours.
Todd: What happened in the bathroom...um...that...that wasn't your fault.
Tea: You didn't want to. I...
Todd: I didn't? My body...
Tea: You wanted me to stop and I didn't. I'm sorry.
Todd: Don't be. I could have stopped you. I...I wanted to. I thought about it but...(taking a deep breath)...it felt good, Tea. It did. For awhile, anyway. After...it felt different.
Tea: I know.
Todd: When I walked into the kitchen I saw you in your robe. I knew what you were wearing, or...uh...not wearing, under your robe. I thought about that. It made me feel kind of good again. I thought about what I wanted to do, you know, with you...upstairs. I wanted that. I wasn't planning on walking out of the kitchen like that but I felt like I had to get out of there before...
Tea: Before what?
Todd: I don't know...before I did something.
Tea: What did you want to do?
Todd: I don't know. Stuff...I...I...guess.
Tea: What kind of stuff?
Todd: You know, stuff. Stuff that you do in the bedroom.
Tea: And that scared you?
Todd: Everything scares me. All of these feelings scare me.
Tea: What feelings?
Todd: Uh...
Tea: I'm sorry. Am I pushing too hard again?
Todd: I felt...um...I felt...
[Tea can see that it's a major struggle for Todd to have this conversation.]
Tea: We could wait to talk about this.
Todd: No. It felt... I felt like...
[Tea gets out of the chair she's sitting in and sits down on the arm of the chair Todd's sitting in, which unnerves him even more. Tea strokes his hair, trying to calm and reassure him.]
Tea (softly): What did you feel?
Todd (distracted by her nearness): Uh...
[As Tea's hand moves down and begins caressing his chest through his robe, Todd jumps out of the chair. Tea's heart sinks. She looks at Todd and the scared look on his face and she quickly turns to leave the room. Todd immediately starts after her and grabs her arm before she can get very far.]
Todd: No. You can't do that. You can't leave without telling me and I can't leave without tell you. That's the deal now, right?
****
****
chapter 62
Tea: Just let me go. I don't want to hurt you anymore.
Todd: You're not hurting me.
Tea (not believing him): Right!
[Tears fill Tea's eyes. She tries to look away as she desperately wishes that her heart would stop hurting so she wouldn't cry in front of him again.]
Todd: You're not. You're not what hurts me, Tea.
Tea: Then what is it? (openly crying now) Tell me. Why can't I touch you? Why can't I hold you? Why can't I love you without it hurting you? (caressing his cheek) I don't want to hurt you, Todd. I love you so much. I don't want to hurt you.
Todd: You don't. Okay, you do but you don't. It sounds stupid but it's true. (pausing for a moment) You love me that's amazing. You want to touch me, I know that, but I don't know why. I feel gross. You tell me that I'm not, that you don't see it, but I feel it, Tea. I feel it all the time. I can't help it. I don't know how to make it stop. When I'm with you for a little while it stops but it always comes back. It's a feeling that I wouldn't even know how to exist without because I feel like it's always been with me. What I wanted to do with you when I was looking at you in the kitchen, it's the same stuff that I think you want to do with me.
Tea: Then why...
Todd: Because I'm scared.
Tea: I know that.
Todd: No, you don't. I'm so afraid to let go, to lose control. (letting go of her arm and putting both of his hands on the sides of her face) I won't hurt you. I won't rape you.
Tea: I know that. I trust you.
Todd: I don't trust you.
Tea: Because of what I did in the bathroom?
Todd: I wanted you to touch me. I wanted to touch you. It feels good. You make me feel so damn good, Tea. (caressing her cheek slowly) I'm scared to let go inside me. I know it's stupid because you're already so deep inside me but I knew that if we went upstairs and made love I wouldn't be able to control it. Everything that I feel for you would come out. Everything would just pour out of me. I love you so much that it hurts. I'm scared of being with you and I'm scared of not being with you.
[Tea reaches up and wipes the single tear that is falling down Todd's cheek.]
Tea: Which scares you more?
Todd: They both do. They both hurt like hell. I hate this. I never wanted this. I never wanted to feel anything again. Why did you have to do this to me? Why couldn't you just leave it alone? This was just supposed to be a business deal. Feelings weren't supposed to happen.
Tea: But they did. I didn't want it either.
Todd: Yes, you did. You're the one who kept pushing it, wanting to spend time together, go away to stupid inns together, do jigsaw puzzles...
Tea: I never wanted to do jigsaw puzzles with you.
Todd: Then what did you want?
Tea: It took a while for me to figure it out. I fought it in the beginning too. I realized, though, that all that I wanted...all that I really wanted was to love you and to feel you love me.
[Tears stream down Tea's face and onto Todd's hands. He steps closer and places his face directly in front of hers.]
Todd: I do love you. You know that, don't you? You can feel that, right?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: But you want more. You want all of it.
Tea: I've given you all of me.
Todd: Have you?
[Tea looks intently into Todd's eyes as she feels an intense feeling swell in her chest and tears fill her eyes again.]
Tea: You have all of me, Todd. Heart, mind, body, soul...I trust you with all of it.
Todd: But I've hurt you before.
Tea: And you can hurt me again if you want to.
Todd: I don't want to.
Tea: Love me. Let me love you. That's all that I want.
Todd: I do love you and I can feel you loving me but this is different.
Tea: Is it?
Todd: Yeah.
Tea: The first time we made love I was sick and we both thought I was going to die.
Todd: I knew you were going to be fine.
Tea: No, you didn't.
Todd: I wanted you to be.
Tea: But you were scared that I would die. In some ways that made it easier, right? You could let me be inside you because I was temporary.
Todd: No.
Tea: You knew that it wouldn't be for very long so you could do it. You could handle the pain for a little while. Only I didn't die. I didn't go away like I was supposed to.
Todd: Everyone leaves.
Tea: I didn't play by the rules. I stayed.
Todd (studying her eyes): You know more than anyone has every known. You know stuff that I never wanted anyone to know. I tried to hide it, to keep you safe from it.
Tea: I don't want you to protect me from your past. I don't want you to hold back parts of yourself because you think I won't be able to handle knowing about them. I want you to open up to me, to feel safe with me, to know that I will be with you forever no matter what.
Todd: You think that's easy?
Tea: No. I know that's hard for you. I know that in some ways it's impossible. It doesn't have to happen right now. It could take years for you to trust me. That's okay. I just want to know that you're trying and that you do love me.
Todd: I do.
Tea: And that you know that I love you.
Todd: I know.
Tea: And that you can trust me.
Todd: Do you really question that? After everything that I've told you?
Tea: I know that you trust me with parts of yourself but can you trust me with all of you?
Todd: I don't know. I've trusted people before and they didn't come through for me. I've let people get glimpses inside me and they couldn't deal with it. Sometimes it just shocks me that you're still here. You know disgusting stuff about me and you're still here. Why?
Tea: Those things aren't who you are.
Todd: Yes, they are.
Tea: No, they aren't.
Todd: They happened whether you pretend they didn't or not. It doesn't matter. They happened.
Tea: I know they happened. I'm not pretending anything. I'm not denying it. I'm looking beyond it to who you are.
Todd: That's exactly who I am.
Tea: If it had been me that had been hurt like that would you look at me differently? Would that be the only thing you could see when you looked at me?
Todd (pulling away): Oh, don't give me that garbage. This is different and you know it.
Tea: Why is it different? You would look past it, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? If I told you that I had been raped, that I had been molested, would you not want to be with me anymore because of it?
Todd: Were you?
Tea: No.
Todd: Then it's different.
Tea: If I had been, would you think I was disgusting? Would you refuse to touch me? If you saw me hurting would you be unable to put your arms around me because something disgusting had happened to me? Would you think I was disgusting? Would you? I really want to know this. If I was raped would you never touch me again? Would you stop loving me? Is that how little you feel about me?
Todd (quietly): No.
Tea (approaching Todd): Then tell me why I'm supposed to do that to you.
Todd: It's different.
Tea: Why is it different?
Todd: Because it is. Because it happened to me. If it happened to you maybe you'd feel the same way. Maybe it would hurt the same way. If it did happen to you, if it ever happened to you, you would never want to be near me again, I know that.
Tea: That's not true.
Todd: I know it is. If you ever knew what it was like you wouldn't be able to be with a rapist. You wouldn't want me to touch you ever again.
Tea: You are the person that I would need to touch me. You are the person who makes me feel safe. You make me feel loved. I would need you to touch me, to hold me, to love me. I need it now. I'll always need that.
Todd: You should get away from me to protect yourself.
Tea: It's too late. You're a part of me. When we were apart before it hurt so much. It really hurt not being able to see you or talk to you. I didn't know if you were safe. I didn't know if you had ever really loved me and it hurt more than anything I've ever felt in my life. When my mother left I was just a kid. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know what it would be like without her. I didn't know how much it would hurt for the rest of my life knowing that she chose to leave me. When you left I knew. I knew how much it would hurt and I knew that there would always be something missing from my life because you weren't there. I tried to get passed it. I tried to cover up what I was feeling. I did a pretty good job in front of other people it seems but when I was alone, when I didn't have anyone to perform in front of, I couldn't stop myself from reacting to it. I would try to stop it. I would tell myself that you were a jerk who didn't deserve my tears, who didn't deserve my love. It didn't matter how angry I would try to make myself or how many arguments I would have with myself trying to convince myself to forget you. I couldn't forget you. I couldn't stop loving you. I cried myself to sleep every night because I felt so empty and so alone.
[Todd turns away to avoid looking at Tea.]
Tea: I had finally found someone who understood how I felt, who didn't judge me, who didn't think less of me when I made mistakes. I had found someone who could take this deep pain that I've felt most of my life and make it more bearable. I had let you inside of me. I had let myself need you. You just walked away like it meant nothing to you. Like I meant nothing. Everything that we had been through together didn't mean a damn thing to you. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?
Todd: I thought you didn't want me around anymore.
Tea: I was angry at you. I needed to yell at you. I needed time to accept what you had done but I didn't want you to go away. I never wanted you to leave.
Todd: I thought you did. I thought everyone would be better off if I was out of their lives so I couldn't hurt them anymore.
Tea: You hurt us by leaving.
Todd: I didn't think it would matter.
Tea: Are you going to do it again?
Todd: I don't know.
Tea: It would hurt me even more if you leave me now.
Todd (turning and facing her again): Would it?
Tea: I feel a deeper connection to you now than I did before. I didn't think that was possible but it's true. It isn't because we've had sex but because we've loved each other. Through difficult times for both of us we've been there for each other. Before it seemed like we never got to really be together. Something always happened every time we would start to get closer and one of us would pull away.
Todd: We still pull away...well, I do.
Tea: And so do I. The difference is that we don't make the break complete. We come back together and we talk about it.
Todd: We talk too much.
Tea: Maybe we do but we need to. We both came into this relationship damaged by our pasts and we both need to be told and shown that the other person really does love us, that they can see who we are and love us anyway.
Todd: That's what you're trying to do?
Tea: Yes. Will you let me?
****
chapter 63
Todd: I don't know. This is too confusing. Everything is just so confusing.
Tea: It doesn't have to be.
Todd: If it involves me it does.
Tea: I don't think so. Love comes naturally to you sometimes.
Todd: Like when?
Tea: Starr.
Todd: That's different.
Tea: Yes, but it does come naturally to you, doesn't it?
Todd: It's not the same thing.
Tea: The love you feel for her isn't disgusting, is it?
Todd: Of course not. I would never...
Tea: I know. That's not what I'm saying.
Todd: Then what are you saying?
Tea: You love her and when you're with her it comes out naturally. You know how to talk to her, how to hold her, how to love her.
Todd: But...
Tea: It's different. I know. What you feel for me is different, of course, but why can't you just let yourself do what comes naturally with me?
Todd: This isn't natural.
Tea: Yes, it is. What you feel for me is natural. What I feel for you is natural. We're married, we love each other, it's natural for us to be attracted to each other, to want to do sexual things together. That's natural.
Todd: Well it doesn't feel that way sometimes.
Tea: But sometimes it does?
Todd: Sometimes.
Tea: What about right now? (stepping closer to Todd) If I touched you right now how would it feel?
Todd: I don't know.
[Tea tentatively reaches her hand out and slowly moves it toward his face. Todd watches her hand while he forces himself to stand still and not move away like his instincts tell him to.]
Tea (as her hand makes contact with his cheek): How does that feel? Does it feel disgusting?
Todd: Not yet.
Tea (moving her hand down his neck to his chest): What about now?
Todd (closing his eyes): Um...
[Tea moves her body closer to Todd's and kisses his cheek.]
Tea: Does my kissing you feel disgusting?
Todd: Um...
Tea: Do you want me to stop?
Todd: No...yes...I don't know...sort of.
Tea (after lightly using her tongue near his ear): Which is it?
Todd: You're confusing me.
[Tea steps completely away from Todd. He opens his eyes again as his arms instinctively reach out to bring her back to his body but she's too far away for him to reach.]
Tea: Is it less confusing now?
Todd: Why are you doing this to me?
Tea: I'm not doing anything to you.
Todd: You're playing games with me.
Tea: No, I'm not.
Todd: What do you call it when you do that thing with your body against me and then pull away?
Tea: I want to make love to you. I want to go upstairs and have sex with you. I have no problem being honest with you about that.
Todd: Then why did you pull away?
Tea: Because you didn't want it.
Todd: I didn't?
Tea: Your answer was uncertain.
Todd: Oh.
Tea: Do you want to make love?
Todd: It might feel kind of okay.
Tea: I guarantee it would feel better than okay.
Todd: But after...
Tea: What about after? Why would you feel differently about it after we make love than you do while we're making love?
Todd: I don't know. I just would.
Tea: Why?
Todd: I remember stuff.
Tea: What stuff?
Todd: You know what stuff.
Tea: Do you think about raping or being raped?
Todd: Both.
Tea: At the same time?
Todd: Sometimes.
Tea: And other times?
Todd: I don't want to do this anymore.
Tea: Do what?
Todd: I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Tea: Do you still want to be with me?
Todd: I'm not leaving.
Tea: Do you want to go upstairs and make love?
Todd: You still want to?
Tea: Of course.
Todd: Even knowing...
Tea: Knowing what?
Todd: What I would think about after.
Tea: I can't control that. I can try to make you forget during though.
Todd: It might not work. My mind might not let that happen.
Tea: Are you afraid of that? Are you afraid that you'll think about those things, that you'll feel that way, while we're together?
Todd: It could happen.
Tea: I know that.
Todd: And you still want to?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: Why?
Tea: It's a part of you, Todd. I know that. I have to accept that. The things that you did and the things that were done to you are a part of who you are now. The memories are something that I have to accept if I want to be with you and I do want to be with you.
Todd: You don't think it's gross?
Tea: I imagine your memories are very gross but I can't do anything to change them or to prevent them from happening. I'll be there for you when they come. I can hold you if you want or I won't touch you if you don't want me to. I can talk you through them or we can we quiet together. You can leave the room or you can stay. If it happens while we're having sex then we can stop.
Todd: And you'd be okay with that?
Tea: If you need to stop then we'll stop.
Todd: But it hurts you when I pull away from you.
Tea: Yes, it does...sometimes. If you need to pull away then do it. I'll deal with it. I don't want you to hurt me on purpose but if you need to back off because you're hurting too much I can handle that.
Todd: So, you don't want me to plan to pull away before I start touching you but if I wanted to touch you, to be with you, but then I needed to stop you'd be okay with that?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: Okay.
Tea: Okay?
Todd: Okay.
Tea: What does that mean?
Todd: That means okay.
Tea: You have to tell me, do you want to go upstairs and be together?
Todd: No.
Tea (trying to hide her disappointment): Do you want to be alone?
Todd: No.
Tea: What do you want?
Todd: You.
Tea: You just said...
Todd: We don't have to go upstairs.
Tea: Earlier you made it clear that you prefer doing...um...that...upstairs.
Todd: Oh, that...yeah, that I prefer upstairs.
Tea: It's late, Todd, just tell me what you want.
Todd: I already told you.
Tea: What did you mean?
Todd: I'm not ready to go upstairs yet.
Tea: Okay.
Todd: We could stay down here and do other stuff.
Tea: What other stuff?
Todd: Do you want to make a jigsaw puzzle?
Tea (not even remotely wanting that): Um, okay, I suppose. Fine. Whatever you want.
Todd: I'm kidding, Delgado.
Tea (laughing slightly from confusion and frustration): Of course.
Todd (moving closer to her): I want to be with you right now but I don't think I'm quite ready to...um...you know...be with you. You're better at this stuff than I am so you decide what we should do.
Tea: Well... How close do you really want to be right now?
Todd: Very.
Tea: Physically?
Todd: Sure.
Tea: You're positive?
Todd (stepping away from her): Look, Tea, if you don't want to that's fine.
Tea (quickly grabbing his arm): No! Okay, you want to be physically with me without actually...um...without...uh...
Todd: The word is sex.
Tea: I remember but I prefer to think of it as making love.
Todd: Whatever.
Tea: Okay.
Todd: You know it's getting kind of late.
Tea: We could go to bed...(quickly adding)...to sleep.
Todd: If you want to.
Tea: Do you?
Todd: I already told you I wanted to stay down her and be with you. You're the one who's stalling. Maybe you should ask yourself why.
Tea: I just want to make sure that I understand and that you're okay with whatever we do.
Todd: If I'm not I can tell you and if you're not you can tell me.
Tea: What I'd like to do...
Todd: Yeah?
Tea: I'd like for you to hold me.
[Todd reaches out to put his arms around Tea but she stops him.]
Todd: What?
Tea: Not like this, unless this is how you want to do it?
Todd: How do you want to?
Tea: Well, I was thinking we could do what we did when I was sick, remember? You would take off both of our shirts and you would...uh...lay on top of me and we would hold each other. It always made me feel better and it made you feel better too, right?
Todd: I guess. Are you sure?
Tea: I'm positive. That's exactly what I want to do with you right now.
Todd: Okay.
[Tea walks over to the sofa and slowly undoes her robe and lets it drop to the floor. She feels self conscious standing in front of Todd in only her underwear. She quickly lies down so she isn't facing Todd anymore. Todd stares at his wife's body for a moment. He can feel his own body beginning to respond to the sight of hers. He steps closer and stares down at her. There's an awkward pause.]
Tea: Um, you are wearing something under your robe, right?
Todd: Yeah.
[Todd continues staring at her but doesn't move.]
Tea: You could keep the robe on, if you prefer. (reaching for her own robe) I could cover with mine.
[Tea puts her robe across her body. Todd quickly undoes his robe and removes it from his body, revealing that he, like his wife, is wearing nothing but underwear. He pulls Tea's robe off of her and immediately replaces it with his own body on top of hers.]
Todd (after a silent moment): Is this okay? I'm not too heavy, am I?
Tea: No.
Todd: Okay. (pause) Tea?
Tea: Yeah?
Todd: I thought we were going to do that holding thing.
Tea: We are.
Todd: Well, wouldn't that require that your arms be, you know, around me...or something.
Tea: Oh.
[Tea places her arms around him so that both of her hands are on his bare back. Todd shifts a little and presses his body more firmly against Tea's which makes her body respond more strongly to his presence. Tea gets uncomfortable with the physical stimulation of being under Todd. She's uncertain how long she'll last before she loses all of her self control.]
****
chapter 64
[Todd's sensations are overwhelmed. He can smell her intoxicating scent. He can feel her nipples pressing into his chest. He can feel her hands begin to softly caress his back. When he moves against her he can hear her breathing change slightly. He wants to put his lips on her skin and taste her. He wants to move more purposely against her. He can feel his body responding to her and he's certain that she must feel it too.
Todd moves against her again. This time Tea is almost positive that he did it on purpose, that he wasn't just trying to get into a more comfortable position, but she isn't certain. Tea moves her hands more forcefully along his back causing his body to press more heavily into hers. Tea unintentionally moans at the pleasure she's feeling.
Instantly, Todd's body stiffens. Tea immediately regrets that she didn't control herself better. She loosens her grip on his back so it will be easier for him to get up. Todd doesn't move. Tea doesn't move. They lay still for several minutes neither one certain about what to do.
Eventually, Tea feels Todd move again. She tries to convince herself that it was probably a necessity, his leg was probably getting a cramp or something. After Todd doesn't feel any response from Tea's body he moves his body against hers again while he carefully studies her response. He thinks that he can feel her body rising slightly to meet his but he can't tell for sure.
For Tea it was an involuntary response -- his body pressed down against hers and when he started to lift back up her body rose, wanting to keep the sensation of being firmly against his.
Todd presses down again, this time he's pretty certain that her body joined in again. He tries again and her body reacts the same way. They quickly build up a rhythm, both quite aware now about what they're both doing. Todd presses his lips to her skin and begins kissing her. Tea's hands begin to move along his back again. They are both receiving immense enjoyment as they continue to move against each other.]
Todd (his lips on her cheek): Tea...
[Tea turns her head and finds his lips with her own. They kiss passionately as the movement of their bodies becomes more frantic.]
Todd: Tea?
Tea: Whatever you want.
Todd: Sure?
Tea: Yeah.
Todd: If we do this...
[Tea moans as Todd's body comes close to sending her over the edge.]
Todd: ...we're getting a new couch.
Tea: Okay. Could you hurry?
[Todd stops moving but leaves his body heavy on hers as he looks intently at her eyes.]
Todd: Is this what you really want?
Tea: This is very much what I want.
Todd: Here?
Tea: Now.
[Todd gets off of Tea and sits beside her on the sofa. He runs his hand along her breasts, down her stomach and then back up again several times. Tea wants him to move on but she doesn't want to pressure him so she closes her eyes and enjoys the sensation of his hand moving across her skin.
Todd studies her body, every part that he can see, every part that he can touch. He enjoys the way her body reacts to his touch, the noises Tea makes when he excites her and the look of peace on her face. He knows that she trusts him with her body. Even more amazing to him is that she trusts him with her heart, a heart that he knows he's broken so many times before but still she trusts him with it.
When Tea opens her eyes again she finds her husband's eyes staring intently at her. She places her hand on top of his hand which is slowly caressing her stomach.
Todd brings his upper body down so his face is close to Tea's.]
Todd: You know I love you, right?
Tea: I know. Do you know I love you?
Todd: I still think your judgment stinks but, yeah, I know.
[Tea brings her other hand up to caress the side of his face as he leans in further and places his mouth on hers. As his tongue extends he slowly explores her mouth. When his tongue retreats Tea repeats the process, slowly studying the contours of Todd's mouth.
As their lips part, Todd kisses her chin and slowly begins moving his mouth down her neck. He trails kisses between her breasts and down to her stomach. When he reaches the top of her underwear he stops and looks up. He finds his wife staring back at him. Without breaking eye contact he places his hands on either side of her body and slowly begins to lower her underwear.
Tea lifts her body to make it easier for him. She tries to control herself, to not need this too much, to prepare herself in case he needs to stop. She wants to just be in the moment, enjoying the sensations that he creates, but she can't help but want more, to want all of it.
Todd finally releases the garment from Tea's body, leaving her completely naked in front of him. He wants to look at her, to touch her, but he's afraid of the thoughts that he knows are threatening in his mind. He moves back to a sitting position next to Tea. He studies her eyes carefully as his hand touches the side of her face.
Tea keeps her eyes locked on Todd's, trying to reassure him and express her love for him. As much as she would like to be physically satisfied in this moment she realizes that she would be content to stay exactly the way they are. As long as her husband is next to her, touching her with love, nothing else matters.
Todd tries to talk to himself, to whatever force rules his mind and keeps him from doing the things that he wants to do. He wants to be left alone. He wants to have time with his wife without having to think about horrible things, without feeling like he has to get away, to protect her. She's in front of him naked showing him that she trusts him completely and he wants to show her that he trusts her, that he loves her, that he'll fight the battles inside himself for her.
Todd's hand stops caressing Tea's face and pulls away. Tea prepares herself for his retreat while hoping that this time it won't happen. Todd pauses for a moment, convincing himself that it will be okay. If he has to stop he can, Tea has made that clear, but he doesn't want to. He wants to be with her, to let go with her, to release all of the feelings he has for her.
Todd reaches his hand back slightly and places it on her stomach. He caresses her slowly, enjoying the feeling of her soft skin. His hand starts to move lower. Tea reaches out to stop him.]
Tea: Wait.
Todd: You don't want me to?
Tea: Um...well...
Todd: Tell me.
Tea: I do but...
Todd: What?
Tea: I'm really close. The second you touch me...
Todd: Is that all?
Tea: Well...
Todd: If I...uh...if I do this...would you...would you still want to...do...other things?
Tea: Um...
Todd: What do you want me to do?
Tea: What you've been doing has felt great. I want to do more with you. We don't have to, of course, but I definitely want to. If your continuing what you're doing wouldn't stop you from doing...um...other things then continue with what you're doing, otherwise, maybe we should move on to...well...those...other things.
Todd: You'd be okay either way?
Tea: Yes.
[Todd continues to look at her eyes as his hand continues down her body. A few minutes later he watches her body react to his touch. After the initial pleasure Tea starts to feel oddly uncomfortable having Todd watch her. She closes her eyes trying to will the embarrassment away. She's surprised when she feels Todd's lips touch hers. At first the touch on her lips is soft and tentative but quickly becomes more passionate.
As they kiss Tea's hand slides up and down his leg several times, gradually increasing the height each time. Before her hand can reach it's destination Todd stops kissing her but keeps his mouth close to hers. Tea's hand stops while she waits to make sure Todd's okay with what she's doing.]
Todd: You already did that once today.
Tea: I'm willing to do it again.
Todd: You don't have to.
Tea: I want to.
Todd: There's something else...
Tea: I want that too. Do you? Are you really ready for this?
Todd: I want this. I want you.
Tea: Then...
[Todd cuts off her thought with a kiss.]
Todd: Can we stop talking now?
[Tea lifts her head slightly and seizes his lips with her own. Her hand reaches up and begins caressing his chest. Todd places his hand on the other side of Tea's body and climbs on top of her. Tea's arms go around Todd's body and press hard on his back, wanting him to be closer to her, to be as close as he physically can be.
Todd and Tea are kissing passionately when Todd suddenly stops. He pulls his head up slightly and stares at her eyes for a moment before bringing his head down again and kissing Tea so slowly and gently it makes her chest ache. When the kiss ends they rest their faces next to each other as they both catch their breaths.]
Tea: I want you. I want you inside me. I really do. I want you to let go, Todd. We can handle whatever happens. I want you to kiss me again like you just did. I want you to physically show me your love.
Todd: You're sure?
Tea: I've never been more sure of anything in my life. You are my life...and my heart. Let go with me. It might hurt but it will also feel good and I'll be here. I'll always be here.
Todd: You won't leave?
Tea: Not as long as I have control over it and you know how I am about control.
Todd: You want me to lose control.
Tea: I want you to let go, to open up yourself, to let me beyond every barrier you have inside yourself, to let me touch the deepest part of you.
Todd: You already do.
Tea: Do I?
Todd: You're so close, Tea. You have to be careful there's a lot of ugly stuff in there. I don't want it to hurt you.
Tea: It won't. I'm in your arms right now. Nothing hurts me when I'm in your arms, when you hold me, when you show me that you love me.
Todd: You make it all hurt less.
Tea: I'm glad.
Todd: I do that for you, right?
Tea (tears filling her eyes): Yes.
Todd: Don't start crying now.
Tea: Maybe you should do something to distract me.
Todd: Maybe I should.
[Todd slowly kisses her again. As they are kissing he tries to reach back and remove his underwear without breaking the kiss. Tea senses what he's doing and adds the assistance of her hands. With both of them using their hands, twisting their bodies and Tea eventually using her feet they finally remove the last physical barrier between them.]
****
chapter 65
[Tea and Todd slowly make love. Neither one wants to rush it. They both want the pleasure and the physical intimacy to continue as long as it can. When Todd can't hold out any longer he releases inside of Tea. They continue to lay together in silence not wanting to break the moment with movement or words. Until...]
Todd (a realization occurring to him): Um, Tea?
Tea (quietly): It's okay.
Todd: No, not that.
Tea: It's okay, Todd.
Todd: But we...uh...I mean...I...well...
Tea: I know, Todd. It's okay.
Todd: I wasn't thinking about it.
Tea: Neither was I.
Todd: And now? (Tea doesn't respond) You're not taking anything anymore, right?
Tea: I stopped when I was sick. I was throwing up all the time and we...well, you know, we weren't...
Todd: We only did it once and then we didn't do it again.
Tea: And you used a condom so I figured if we did it again...
Todd: And I didn't. I'm sorry.
Tea: Don't be. When I was sick we had to use one because I couldn't take that risk, for me or for a baby, but now...
Todd: Now?
Tea: Now that risk is gone.
Todd: So, you want this? You want this kid?
Tea: Todd, we don't know...
Todd (interrupting her): I do. We just made a kid.
Tea: Be realistic. What are the chances of it happening this time? My body has been through a lot. We don't even know if I could get pregnant. The chemotherapy...
Todd: I know it, Tea.
Tea: I don't want you to be disappointed.
Todd: I won't be. If you aren't then we'll...uh...try again. You do want that, don't you?
Tea: I would love to do that again.
Todd: I meant that you want this kid, right?
Tea: Of course. I just don't want us to get our hopes until we know for sure.
Todd: When will that be?
Tea: Not at this moment. Maybe we should go to bed and get some sleep.
Todd: You should sleep. You and the kid need sleep.
Tea: Todd...
Todd: Okay, you might not be but I still think you are.
Tea: Do you want to go upstairs?
Todd: Not really.
Tea: We could sleep down here.
Todd: We should probably go up, though. You and the kid need to be comfortable.
Tea: We...I mean...I...am fine here.
Todd: Are you sure?
Tea: Very.
Todd: Then close your eyes and go to sleep.
Tea: Are you just going to lay there and watch me?
Todd: Yes.
Tea: Okay. Do you, uh, want to put something on first?
Todd: Uh...
Tea: It's okay if you need to. I know you have in the past.
Todd (determined not to let the past touch this moment): No. Not tonight. Not this time. This time I'll try to make it through the night just like this.
Tea: Are you sure?
Todd Yeah. (picking his robe up off the floor) We could cover with this though, okay?
Tea: Great.
Todd (tucking the robe in around their lower bodies): Is this okay? Are you comfortable? I could try to give you more room. Maybe we should go upstairs.
Tea: No. This is fine. If you need something else then we'll move but I'm fine with how we are right now.
Todd: Okay. Well, close your eyes and do that sleep thing you do.
Tea: You should at least try to sleep, Todd.
Todd: I'll try. It won't happen but I'll try.
Tea: Okay.
[Todd watches her for a minute as she closes her eyes and tries to fall asleep.]
Todd: Tea?
Tea: Yeah?
[When Todd doesn't say anything for several moments Tea opens her eyes again. He gently touches her face as he brings his mouth down to hers.]
Todd: Good night.
[Todd gently kisses Tea.]
Tea (surprised but very pleased): Good night.
[Tea closes her eyes for a moment and then opens them again.]
Tea: Todd?
Todd: Yeah?
Tea: Could we do that again?
Todd: What?
Tea: Kiss.
Todd: I thought you were going to sleep?
Tea: I am. I just...I kind of wanted to do that again. It's very relaxing. It will help me sleep.
Todd (laughing): Right.
Tea: I'm serious. If you don't I won't be able to sleep because I won't be able to stop thinking about it...the way your body feels when you lean more into me...the way your breathing sounds right before you kiss me...the feeling of your lips when they first touch mine...the perfect amount of pressure you apply as your desire increases...your tongue...
Todd (needing to stop her): Okay...okay. I get it. You can stop.
Tea (caressing his lips with her finger): Will you kiss me?
Todd: Just one more kiss?
Tea: Um...I think one may not be enough.
Todd: Two?
Tea: Maybe we should just start and see how it goes.
[For several minutes they kiss and caress.]
Todd (feeling his body respond to his desire for his wife): I can't believe this.
Tea (noticing his body's response): I'm not complaining.
Todd: Again?
Tea: Why not? I'm not tired. And my body, well...
Todd (closing his eyes): I'm very aware of your body and mine at the moment.
Tea: I'm very aware of your body too.
Todd: I...
Tea: Do you want to?
Todd: That's kind of obvious, I think.
Tea: If you just want to lay here then that's what we'll do.
[Todd lightly moves his fingers down her neck to her breast where he teases her by barely touching her. They both watch his finger slowly circling her nipple for a moment.]
Todd: Do you want me to go upstairs and get something?
Tea (wanting desperately for him to touch her harder): No.
[Todd looks up and sees the lust in her eyes.]
Todd: This isn't just...
Tea (returning his look): No. I know what we're doing. I know what could happen.
Todd: It may already have happened.
Tea: That's true.
Todd: And you want this? You want to have a kid with me?
Tea: There are things we should talk about but not right now.
Todd: I thought you liked talking. You do enough of that stuff.
Tea: Right now talking isn't what I have in mind.
Todd: What is?
Tea: I could show you.
Todd: You could also answer my question.
Tea (trying to keep her mind focused on what he's saying rather than what his hand is doing): Um...what question?
Todd: Do you want to have a kid with me?
Tea: You know I do.
Todd: There's a lot that goes with that. It won't be easy.
Tea: I like a challenge. I like you, don't I?
Todd: Are you really sure? Maybe you're not right now and you wouldn't have to be if we use something.
Tea: Do you not want to?
Todd: I want to. I just want to make sure you won't regret this.
Tea: I won't.
[Tea can't take it anymore and places her hand on top of Todd's and presses it firmly against her breast.]
Tea: We'll talk later, okay?
Todd: Okay.
[Tea places her hand on the back of Todd's head and pulls his face into hers. As they kiss Tea tries to pull his body onto hers but he won't let her.]
Tea (pulling her head slightly away from his): Todd?
Todd: Don't you want to go slow?
Tea: No.
Todd: I do. I want to make you feel really good.
Tea: Trust me, you will.
Todd: Just close your eyes and relax. I'll make you feel better than you've ever felt before.
[Tea hesitantly complies. Todd removes his robe from where he had wrapped it around their bodies. Todd runs his hand along the newly growing hair on her head as he kisses her cheek. Tea tries to turn her head so their lips will meet but he pulls away. He slowly draws one finger down the side of her face as he lightly kisses her ear. His lips move down her neck as his thumb caresses her lips. He can feel Tea squirming with desire which excites him even more. He moves his body down the couch some and climbs on top of her with his head above her chest. Tea opens her eyes and watches him poised above her.]
Tea (with pleading eyes): Now?
Todd: Not yet.
Tea (wanting him more than she ever has before): Todd...
Todd: Trust me.
to be continued...
