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| IN SICKNESS BY TIMA |
CHAPTERS 56 - 60 |
PREVIOUSLY
[In the outer cell, Viki is emotionally drained from witnessing her brother's pain. After a moment she realizes she has a handkerchief in her hand but she doesn't recall how or when she came to have it. She looks around her and sees Bo, Sam and Hank next to her with somber faces and tears in their eyes. She quickly gathers their attention and moves them out of the cell area to give Todd some privacy.
Inside the cell, Todd lets go of his body and mind and quickly falls into an exhausted sleep while Tea strokes his back comfortingly.]
************************
[Hours later, Viki returns to the cell area to check on Todd. She finds Todd and Tea in the same position they were in when she left except now Tea is leaning her back against the bars of the cell and has her eyes closed.]
Viki (quietly): Tea?
[Tea opens her eyes suddenly, startled by the sound.]
Tea: Viki?
[Tea looks around and sees that both the inner and outer cell doors are open but no officer is visible.]
Tea: What's going on? Why are the doors open?
Viki: I convinced Bo that hearing the noise of them shutting would scare Todd.
[Viki slowly lowers herself onto the floor in front of Tea and Todd.]
Viki: How is he?
Tea: He's sleeping. Do you know how long we've been here?
Viki: I would say probably about four hours.
Tea: That long? It doesn't seem like it.
Viki: I guess this isn't how you expected your homecoming to be.
Tea: Uh, no, not exactly. (looking down at Todd curled up next to her) Do you think he'll be okay?
Viki: It's hard to tell. As painful as remembering it was for him ultimately it may be the best thing for him.
Tea (a sudden realization occurring to her): Oh, no. You were here, weren't you? And Bo was here. Did he hear any of it?
Viki: He heard all of it, as did Hank and Sam.
Tea: Todd is going to be so angry at me.
Viki: He certainly can't blame you.
Tea: Oh, yes he can and he will. I think, ultimately, he could deal with you knowing. Even that would be difficult, though. Remembering these things makes him feel dirty and I know that's why he's not okay talking to you about them. He doesn't want to feel that way around you. Sam, I don't know about. He used to trust Sam and he did discuss some of it with him before. But Bo and Hank... Todd will hate it that they heard any of this, especially Bo.
Viki: Well, we'll just have to help him understand because we can't change the fact that they were here.
Tea: There goes my marriage.
Viki: I don't believe it's as bad as all that. Besides, it's my fault. You were in here taking care of Todd. I was out there. I should have made sure that Todd had the privacy he needed.
Tea: But he won't get angry at you, he'll get angry at me.
Viki: Well, I'll set him straight.
Tea: It doesn't matter right now. (looking at Todd again) Do you think he can get passed this? I mean, is this something that he can get through?
Viki: I hope so. He will need a great deal of love and support.
Tea: I have plenty of both of those to offer him.
Viki: So do I.
Tea (angrily): That man... I swear if he were here I would kill him myself. (looking up at Viki) I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. I never should have said that to you.
Viki: Don't apologize. I understand. I don't believe that killing the abuser is the solution but I can certainly understand the desire.
Tea (feeling guilty): I never should have left.
Viki: Do you think you could have prevented this if you had stayed?
Tea: I don't know. Maybe.
Viki: It would have come out eventually. This is something that has been inside Todd for a long time. It would have come out someday. Actually, I guess it has been coming out in other ways for years. Todd just didn't know what it was.
Tea: And now that he does?
Viki: He has a choice. He can either find a way to deal with it and move on with his life or he can try to ignore it and continue the way he has.
Tea: I think his instinct will be to ignore it.
Viki: Then we'll have to convince him not to follow that instinct. I know it hurts him a great deal but clearly he wasn't handling it very well before. He needs to accept what happened to him. He may think that it was easier not remembering but in reality it wasn't. The pain may not have been as identifiable before but it was certainly there. I think that he needs professional help, Tea.
Tea: I don't think you'll be able to convince him of that. He's been adamant about not seeing a therapist.
Viki: Well, that may have been because he was afraid of remembering more than what he already remembered. Maybe now that this memory is out he won't be as afraid.
Tea: I don't know.
Viki: We have to at least try to convince him. I do believe that it would be in his best interest.
Tea: I'll talk to him but I won't try to force him.
Viki: Of course.
[There is a long pause as Tea and Viki both watch Todd sleep.]
Tea: You said Sam was here. Was it as Todd's lawyer? Is he trying to get him released?
Viki: Well, actually...
Tea: Viki, Todd can not stay here. Did Sam refuse to represent him? You must have asked, right?
Viki: Sam was here as Todd's lawyer because I couldn't reach you. Todd wanted you, of course, and doesn't know yet about Sam. Todd doesn't need a lawyer anymore, though. Bo's decided to drop the charges against Todd.
Tea: Really? Why?
Viki: He understands now why Todd attacked him.
Tea: Wait a minute. Todd attacked Bo? I thought he was here because of John Sykes' death.
Viki: That's why Bo wanted to bring Todd to the police station but when he arrived at my house Todd was sleeping. I wasn't there at the time but from what I understand Bo grabbed Todd while he was sleeping and tried to pull him out of the bed.
Tea: And Todd attacked him...probably thinking that Bo was his father and was waking him up to abuse him like he had so many times when he was a kid.
Viki: Apparently. Bo understands this now and so Todd can leave whenever he wakes up.
Tea: I hate to wake him up when he's actually getting some sleep but I know how much he hates being here. I just wonder if he could sleep at the house.
Viki: Would you like me to stay with you for the night?
Tea: I don't know. I wonder if Todd will go back to retreating from everyone.
Viki: Hopefully not. (looking at Tea with concern) This has been very difficult for you, hasn't it?
Tea: You know, when I married Todd I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
Viki: And now that you know?
Tea: Now that I know...(looking down at Todd curled up next to her)...there is honestly no place else that I would want to be. I don't mean this jail cell, of course. (looking at Viki) You didn't think I would come back, did you?
Viki: I could understand if you didn't. Dealing with Todd is not simple. There are rewards certainly but Todd sprinkles them in so seldom sometimes.
Tea: But they're there if you look for them. Sometimes you have to look really, really hard but they are there. I don't know if anyone else understands that. I tried to explain it to Rachel but I know that I can't really explain it. If someone else were to describe their relationship the way that my relationship has been with Todd I would think they were nuts to stay, to expect a future with that person.
Viki: But you do have that expectation? You do want a future with Todd?
Tea: I know it sounds odd with all of the misery that surrounds Todd but I know that if I want happiness I have to be with Todd. I love him and it's not just more than I've ever loved anyone before, it's more than I thought I could ever possibly love another person. I don't know. We both entered our marriage convinced that we would never let feelings, emotions...love get in the way of what we really wanted...whatever that was. Now, love is exactly what I want from Todd. Love and a future together. I know he loves me, I know I have that, it's the future part I'm not sure if he can give me.
Viki: He wants to.
Tea: I know. That's what I hold onto. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my grip, you know, it's so difficult to hold on sometimes but then he does something so genuine and so loving and I'm sucked back in again whether I want to be or not.
Viki: Todd seems to think that I don't care about you. Is that how you feel?
Tea: I know that your priority is Todd. I understand that. He's my priority too.
Viki: It really isn't that I dislike you.
Tea: I know. We really haven't gotten to know each other very well. Just about every interaction we've ever had has been about Todd.
Viki: Well, maybe we should change that and get to know each other better as people. People who both love Todd, of course, but also as individuals.
Tea: That would be great.
Viki: You can never have too much family.
[A sad look comes across Tea's face.]
Viki: Did I say something wrong?
Tea: No, of course not.
[Viki lightly touches Tea's cheek reminding Tea of the gentleness of her mother's touch.]
Viki: Do you miss your mother?
Tea: Can you read me now like Todd can?
Viki: No, but I imagine you've probably missed her a great deal lately.
Tea: I don't know why. She left me. I shouldn't miss her. When people talk about family though, I don't know, I guess I wonder what it would have been like if she had stuck around...what I would have been like.
Viki: What about the rest of your family?
Tea (looking down at Todd): He's right here.
Viki: You have brothers, right?
Tea: Yeah, sure. I spoke to them after our grandmother died but I haven't heard from them since. They told me they felt bad about my being sick but they didn't bother to check up on me and make sure I was okay or to come and see me. If I had died I wonder if it would have even affected them at all.
Viki: I'm sure it would have.
Tea: My grandmother's gone now. My niece hates me for reasons she refuses to fill me in on. Todd, Starr and Carlotta, of course, are the only family I have. My being able to be a part of Starr's life is contingent on Todd being in my life and I never really know for sure when I wake up every morning if Todd will still be there or not. So, I guess, this whole family thing isn't something I feel too secure about.
Viki: Well, you're also a part of my family now. I may not have shown it during the time Todd was gone but you will always be a part of my family whether you are with Todd or not.
Tea: That's nice of you to say.
Viki: You don't believe me?
Tea: Frankly, no. If Todd dumped me and he made it clear to you that you had to choose between him and me you would choose him.
Viki: Well, you don't know that.
Tea: Yes, I do. It's okay. I would understand. (smiling) I'd pick Todd over you.
Viki: I imagined you would. Todd isn't easy to love but once you do love him he's impossible to stop loving.
Tea: Believe me, I figured that out.
Todd: I think I'd rather go back to my nightmare than have to continue listening to this.
Tea (as Todd starts to sit up): You're awake?
Todd: Yeah, but I wish I weren't.
[As Todd stretches his body out he notices that the cell doors are open and there is no police officer around.]
Todd: Hey, the doors are open. Let's make a break for it while those stupid cops aren't paying attention.
Viki (slowly standing up): You don't have to do that.
Todd: I know you're into doing the right thing and all but I'd rather be free.
Viki: You are free.
Todd (not believing her): Yeah, right!
Viki: It's true. Bo dropped the charges.
Todd: For real?
Viki: For real.
Todd (looking down at Tea): Did you know about this?
Tea (stretching out her back): Viki told me just a few minutes ago.
Todd (at the cell door): Why? Never mind. You can tell me on the way home. (impatiently gesturing for them to leave the cell) Come on, let's get the hell out of here.
Tea (slowly getting up from the floor): Sure.
Todd: Did you do something to your back?
Tea: I sat here for hours.
Todd: You could have gotten up.
Tea: No, I couldn't.
Todd: Whatever! (motioning for her to move faster) Speed it up.
Tea (sarcastically; to Viki): See how sweetly he talks to me? (patting Todd's face as she walks passed him and out of the cell) No wonder I love him so much.
Todd (to Viki as she walks passed him to exit the cell): Did I miss something while I was asleep?
Viki: Your wife and I had a little talk. You wanted me to get to know her better and now that I have don't expect me to take your side in any future arguments you have with Tea.
Todd: No one ever takes my side. What would be new about that?
[Todd, Tea and Viki exit the cell area.]
********************
chpater 57
[Todd and Tea return home after leaving the police station.]
Tea: Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?
Todd: No.
[Todd lays down on the couch in the living room.]
Tea: Are you sure?
Todd: Yeah.
Tea: Did you eat much while I was...um...away?
Todd: Viki forced some food down my throat a couple of times.
Tea: When was the last time you ate?
Todd: Just stop, Tea, okay?
Tea: Okay. I just...
Todd (turning his head and looking at Tea): What?
Tea: Nothing. Are you tired? You could go upstairs and lie down.
Todd: I'm already lying down. Why would I get up just so I can lie down some place else?
Tea: You might be more comfortable...
Todd: I'm fine. Stop fussing over me. I hate that.
Tea: Sorry. (pause) Well...um...I'll just...I'll just go upstairs, I guess.
[Tea begins slowly walking toward the stairs wishing that she could spend some time with Todd but knowing that he'd rather be alone.
Todd watches her leave wanting to stop her, wanting to be with her but wanting to be alone at the same time.]
Todd (softly): Tea?
Tea (stopping midway up the stairs): Did you say something?
Todd: Uh, well, yeah, sort of.
Tea (walking back down the stairs and facing him): What?
Todd: You don't have to go upstairs, if you don't want to.
Tea: Do you want me to stay down here with you?
Todd: Um...
Tea: It's okay. I understand if you need time alone. Come upstairs when you feel like it, okay? We don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to. I promise.
Todd (as Tea turns to leave again): No, don't go. You must be tired, right? You were driving today from...uh...wherever it was that you were and then you probably didn't sleep at all in the cell while I was sleeping, right?
Tea: No.
Todd: When you were sick you slept better when we were together, right?
Tea: Do you want to go upstairs and lay down together?
Todd: No.
Tea: Then tell me what you want.
Todd: Well, I'm already laying here anyway...
Tea (confused): What?
Todd: You could, you know, kind of lay here...with me...but only if you really want to.
Tea: That couch isn't that big. Why don't we go upstairs?
Todd: I don't want to. If you don't want to I don't care. I just thought I'd offer. It's no big deal.
Tea (approaching the couch): How...uh...how were you thinking this would work?
Todd: You could just, you know, fit in...wherever.
Tea: Are you sure?
Todd: Yeah...I guess.
Tea: If you change your mind let me know and I'll get off, okay?
Todd: Okay.
[Tea tentatively climbs onto the couch and positions herself on top of Todd and toward the back of the couch. Tea moves around a little to get comfortable which unnerves Todd as it begins to arouse him.]
Tea (as she rests her head on his shoulder): Is this okay?
Todd: Uh...yeah. This...this is...this is fine.
Tea: Do you want to talk?
Todd: About what?
Tea: I don't know, whatever you might want to talk about.
Todd: I already spilled my guts, you want more?
Tea: We haven't talked about what you remembered since you woke up in the jail cell. Maybe we should talk about it.
Todd: Why do you insist on talking about everything?
Tea: I want you to be okay.
Todd: I'm fine. I don't need to talk about this stuff. I'd rather forget.
Tea: Did you really not remember that night?
Todd: I don't want to talk about this so, of course, we're going to talk about this, right?
Tea: We can wait but you really should talk about this with me or with...
Todd: Stop right there. If you're going to tell me to see a shrink you can get off of me and get the hell out.
Tea (lifting her head and looking into Todd's face): Don't you dare say that to me.
Todd: I can say whatever I want. This is my house.
Tea: This is our house, remember? If you don't want to see a therapist then don't but I will not have you throwing me out every time we disagree about something. Never again. (laying her head back down on Todd's shoulder) It's up to you whether you see someone professionally. If you don't want to then talk to me, or Viki, or Sam. You need to talk to someone. You can't go back to hiding inside yourself. It's not good for you or for Starr and I refuse to let you shut me out anymore.
Todd: Sam?
Tea: Huh?
Todd: You said Sam. Why would I talk to Sam about any of this?
Tea: Never mind.
Todd: Tell me.
Tea (lifting her head and looking at Todd): He knows.
Todd: How could he know?
Tea: He was there when you were remembering it in the cell.
Todd: He was? Who else was there? (pause) Who?
Tea: Uh, well, Viki.
Todd: Viki knows? She knows about...she heard that?
Tea: It's okay, Todd. She understands. It won't change the way she feels about you or the way she looks at you. She loves you.
Todd: Was there anyone else there? Did you invite the whole town? Is there a video tape available for anyone who missed it live? (angrily) Well? Answer me. Who the hell else did you let hear how disgusting I am?
Tea: You're not disgusting.
Todd: Who?
Tea: Hank...
Todd: Great. Not only did you tell his kid everything...
Tea: I didn't tell Rachel anything personal and you know it.
Todd: Who else was in on the Todd Manning remembers his father raping him for the first time cell block tour?
Tea: Bo.
Todd (laughing): Of course. Of course he was there. You can't humiliate me properly without that hypocrite being there.
Tea: I'm sorry.
Todd: You're sorry. Yeah, I bet you're sorry. You publicly humiliate me, get your thrills out of making me relive that garbage, and then apologize and I'm supposed to just forgive you. That's how it works, right? That's how it always works, doesn't it? And don't you dare start crying. I hate that. You drop a few tears and I'm supposed to get over it. This time it's not going to happen.
[Tea lays her head back down and tries hard to not cry even as she can feel her heart aching in her chest. She knew he would be angry and blame her but it still hurts. She knew that he'd look for a way to push her away again but she had hoped that they could have just a small amount of happiness first. It hurts her knowing there's no way to stop him from using this to leave her. She's convinced she'll end up alone again, like she always does.
Tea doesn't make any sound but Todd can feel her body beginning to move up and down because of her crying.]
Todd (softly): Don't. (placing his hand lightly on her back) Come on, Delgado, don't do this. (pressing his hand more firmly against her back) It's okay. I didn't mean it.
[Tea waits a few minutes until she feels more under control before she speaks.]
Tea (trying to get up): I want to talk to you about something.
Todd (holding her firmly in place): You don't have to get up. Everything's okay now.
Tea (trying to get up again): We need to talk about this now while I still have the nerve.
Todd (continuing to hold her in place): We don't have to talk about it. I was just being a jerk.
Tea: Not about that. (pause) I think I should leave.
Todd: Because of what I said? You're gonna have to get a lot tougher if you're gonna be with me, Tea.
Tea: It isn't what you said. Well, it is but it isn't.
Todd: This is going to be one of those confusing conversations, isn't it?
Tea: I know you didn't really mean what you said. I know that after thinking about it you would know that I would never purposely hurt you like that.
Todd: I know.
Tea: What you just did, blaming me, I was expecting that. I knew it would happen but it still hurt.
Todd: You're gonna dump me because of that?
Tea: I'm not dumping you. I don't want to lose you, Todd. That's why I think I should live somewhere else.
Todd: That makes no sense.
Tea: Yes, it does. As long as I'm here you're going to try to push me away. You'll shut down again or you'll leave. I don't want that. If I leave then you won't feel that pressure to get rid of me and that way we can be together.
Todd: Wait. You want to leave me so I won't leave you...and we can be together? That definitely does not make sense.
Tea: Yes, it does.
Todd: No, it doesn't.
Tea: I wouldn't be leaving you. I just wouldn't be living here anymore.
Todd: Tea, that's what leaving me is.
Tea: No, we'll still be together.
Todd: But you'll live somewhere else?
Tea: Exactly. (sensing that he still doesn't understand) Look, if I'm here you'll feel pressure. Whether it's pressure to remember things you don't want to remember, to talk about things that you don't want to talk about or to do things you don't want to do, it doesn't matter. You'll feel pressure and you'll either retreat inside yourself, leave or actively push me away. Maybe you'll even continue pushing Starr and Viki away or you'll leave them too. I don't want that. If I go then you won't feel as much pressure and you can stay here. You can be with Starr.
Todd: Okay. How does the being together while not being together thing work?
Tea: Wherever I would move to I would tell you. You would know where I am. You would have my phone number. You could visit or call me anytime that you wanted to. We could be together when you wanted to be, we could talk when you need to, without all of the pressure.
Todd: What about you?
Tea: What about me?
Todd: I get to be with you when I want but what about if you want to be with me?
Tea: I always want to be with you.
Todd: Well, then you'd always be here so why pretend to leave?
Tea: I wouldn't be pretending. I could come back once in awhile and we could spend some time together with Starr but mostly I would live somewhere else.
Todd: In town?
Tea: No. It would have to be further away than that.
Todd: How far?
Tea: I don't know. Maybe a couple of hours away. Close enough to visit whenever we want to but far enough that it wouldn't be every day. You could have the space that you clearly need and it would be easier for me too.
Todd: Because living with me is too difficult, is that it?
Tea: No.
Todd: Then why are you ditching me?
Tea: I'm not. I swear to you I'm not. I want to be with you, I really do, but I can't live in this house and have things be the way they have been recently. You wouldn't speak to me, you wouldn't spend time with me. That hurt, Todd. Being near you and not being able to be with you, to touch you and show you that I love you, that hurts.
Todd: You think it won't hurt somewhere else?
Tea: It will still hurt but it will be different. Knowing that you're in another part of the house refusing to have any contact with me is just too painful. If I live somewhere else it would hurt too but at least I would be missing you because of physical distance instead of this emotional canyon you put in front of us when you get scared or when I get too close.
Todd: There were times...I mean, I thought I was doing pretty good, except for that little bit of time recently.
Tea: You were but we both know that was because I was sick and I'm not sick anymore so you don't have that reason to push passed all of the pain you're in to be with me. You'll pull further and further away until one day you won't be here at all anymore. I can't do that, Todd. I can't live here knowing that I'll wake up one morning and you'll be gone. It hurts too much. It really hurts.
Todd: I don't want to hurt you. That's never what I want. It just happens. I...I can't control it sometimes.
Tea: I know. Todd...
Todd: Tea, could you stop talking for awhile? Go to sleep, okay? I'll definitely be here when you wake up. You're on top of me so you'd notice if I tried to leave.
Tea: Todd...
Todd: Tea, I need to think, okay? Just go to sleep and I'll think and we'll do more of this talking garbage when you wake up. Right now I just need you to be quiet.
Tea: Okay.
[Tea snuggles her body into a more comfortable position atop Todd. She quickly realizes how exhausted she is and allows herself to drift off to sleep as Todd continues to hold her while he tries to figure out what to do, if he can give her everything she needs and deserves and if he can't whether he should let her go completely.]
*****************************
chapter 58
[Tea awakens to a wonderful sensation - she is laying against Todd's body and Todd has his arms around her. One of his hands is absentmindedly caressing her back through her shirt. She doesn't want Todd to stop so she decides not to let him know that she's awake.]
Todd (several minutes later): How long are you planning on pretending you're asleep?
Tea (raising her head and looking in his eyes): How did you know?
Todd: The snoring stopped.
Tea (smiling): Do I really snore?
Todd: I'm gonna start keeping ear plugs by the bed.
Tea: Will those be necessary?
Todd: If I want to keep what's left of my hearing.
Tea: You know what I mean.
Todd: Yeah, I do.
Tea: Do you want to talk?
Todd: I don't know. You didn't give me much time to think. You barely slept an hour.
Tea: We don't have to talk now but we do have to talk.
Todd: I know.
Tea: I should get up. It was probably uncomfortable for you to have my weight on you all this time.
Todd: I didn't mind. Besides, you barely weigh anything anymore. You have to gain some of the weight back that you lost when you were sick.
Tea: I am. (seeing Todd's questioning look) Okay, I haven't but I didn't lose any during the last treatment though.
[Todd breaks their eye contact because he feels guilty for not being there for Tea during her last treatment.]
Tea (placing her hand softly on Todd's cheek): It's okay. I understand.
Todd: I don't.
Tea: You were hurting.
Todd: So were you. I could have helped you while I was hurting. I did it before, lots of times.
Tea: I know.
Todd: So why couldn't I do it that time?
Tea: I don't know.
[Tea lays her head back down on Todd's chest, enjoying the feeling of being in his arms.]
Todd: I don't want you to go.
Tea (looking up at him again): I wouldn't be...
Todd (interrupting her): I know. I understand. You wouldn't be ditching me. You would be giving me the space that you think I need. I don't want it. I want you.
Tea: Todd, in the past...
Todd: In the past I was a jerk. I'm still a jerk but I've kind of gotten used to you being around all the time. I don't want you to go.
Tea: But if my living here will cause you to pull further and further away then we have to do something about that. I don't want to worry everyday about losing you.
Todd: Why not? I worry about that everyday. I always expect you to finally see who I really am and take off.
Tea (caressing his cheek): I do see who you really are, that's why I'm here.
Todd: Because you feel sorry for me?
Tea: No. I mean, I do. I feel bad about what your father did to you but I'm not with you because of it and I won't leave you because of it either.
Todd: Do you remember when you were in the hospital and you made me promise that if you tried the new treatment and the cancer went away that I would give you one day when you didn't have to feel bad or worry about me taking off on you?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: Are you upset that I blew it?
Tea: No. That was a stupid idea.
Todd: No, it wasn't.
Tea: Besides, you've already given me so many days that were happier than I could have imagined.
Todd: No, I didn't.
Tea: Yes, you did. I was sick and I felt horrible but you were there. Sometimes I didn't even have to ask, you knew just what to do to help me get through the worst moments. You would put your arms around me, get into bed with me, talk to me, (smiling) make vomit jokes.
Todd: I had a couple of good ones, right?
Tea (smiling): You made me laugh when I otherwise wouldn't have felt like it, you made me feel beautiful when I knew I was ugly, you made me feel loved, Todd, (with tears in her eyes) that's the best gift you've ever given me. You could go out and spend all of your money buying me things and they would never mean as much to me as the past months of just being here with you.
Todd: The day I promised you...
Tea: I don't want it, Todd. You could try to give me a perfect day and maybe it would be really nice but I'd rather have a lifetime of imperfection with you.
Todd: Really?
Tea: Really.
Todd: I was thinking about it while you were napping. I kind of wish I could have a day like that.
Tea: Do you want me to give you that? I could pamper you for a day the way you've pampered me for months.
Todd: No. That's not it.
Tea: What?
Todd: I just wish I could have a day where it didn't hurt so much, where I didn't have to remember the stuff he did to me. I wish I could know what it's like to just feel the stuff I feel for you, for Starr... I never get to feel that without the other stuff being there. Sometimes I get to have that for a few minutes or, when I'm really lucky, a couple of hours but the bad stuff is always there. I'm always afraid that you'll leave me. And, someday Starr's gonna know who I am, what I've done, and she'll leave me too. I expect that, you know, I expect people to leave. They always do.
Tea: Because you push them away. I don't want to leave you.
Todd: You want to live somewhere else.
Tea: No, I don't.
Todd: You said...
Tea: I want to be with you and I want to live with you but if the only way I can keep you in my life is to live somewhere else I would do it. I would do that for you, for us, but it's not what I want.
Todd: Well, I don't want that either.
Tea: If I stay, can you do this? Can you let us be a couple? Can you allow us to be happy together?
Todd: I don't know.
Tea: Well, I need to know that you can. I'm so tired of getting my hopes up and then having my heart shattered. I don't want to break up and get back together anymore.
Todd: I'm scared.
Tea: Of what?
Todd: Me.
Tea: What about you?
Todd: You want to share a room, right? You want to share a bed?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: What if I hurt you?
Tea: When we've been intimate...
Todd: No, not that. What if I have a nightmare and I hurt you? The memories and the nightmares they get so confusing sometimes. I could hurt you without even meaning to. I attacked Bo and I didn't even know it was him. I just reacted.
Tea: That's understandable given your childhood. I would never do what he did to you while you're sleeping.
Todd: But what if you're laying against me like you like to do and you move suddenly or you accidentally bump me while you're sleeping? What if I react to it like I did with Bo?
Tea: You never did before. We've been sleeping together for months now and that hasn't happened.
Todd: But it could.
Tea: If you're really worried about it we could have separate rooms.
Todd: You would be okay with that?
Tea: I'd rather share a room with you but if you need to be in separate rooms we could do that. I would like to spend some time like this though, holding each other, being intimate. We don't have to actually sleep in the same bed though.
Todd: But you sleep better when I'm with you.
Tea: And you sleep better when I'm with you.
Todd: This stinks.
Tea: This is our life.
Todd: Well, then our life stinks. You deserve better.
Tea (laying her head on his chest and snuggling against his body): I'm not in the mood to have this conversation again, Todd. You're stuck with me. Deal with it.
Todd: Are you still tired? You could go back to sleep. I don't mind being your pillow.
Tea: I don't know if I'll sleep. I just want to lay here with you.
Todd: So, um, we agree, right? You're not going anywhere?
Tea: What about the separate bedrooms?
[Todd tentatively moves his hand up and begins stroking Tea's head.]
Todd: I don't know. Knowing you, you'll probably end up in my bed anyway. You'll sneak in when I'm asleep just to prove that I won't hurt you.
Tea: I don't think that you would. And, I like sleeping better when you're next to me.
Todd: I like that too. I don't have as many nightmares. The ones that I do have aren't as scary to wake up to when you're next to me.
Tea: Then share a bed with me. I'm not afraid, Todd.
Todd: You should be.
Tea: Well, I'm not.
Todd: Now that Moose is back at Viki's I could sort of unofficially have his room. I used to sleep in there anyway before you moved in. I could start the night with you and after you fall asleep if I feel okay about it I could stay with you but if I don't, if I can tell that I'll have a bad night, I'll come down here. I could leave the door open and if you wake up you could come down here. Just don't, you know, jump on top of me or anything. If you can tell that I'm having a nightmare then don't come near me, okay? If you're already in bed with me then get out so I can't hurt you.
Tea: Okay. (pause) Is Moose really gone for good?
Todd: We didn't go back to Viki's and get him, did we?
Tea: I thought maybe you just wanted to get away from Viki and her suggestions of therapy.
Todd: Well, I did. I decided, though, that Moose is better off there. He can boss around Viki's staff. He's got his own television. Besides, I actually like Moose I wouldn't want him to have to put up with living with me. I care too much about him to put him through that.
Tea: Very funny.
[Todd continues caressing Tea's head.]
Todd: Tea?
Tea: Yeah?
Todd: When did your hair start growing back?
Tea: You're just now noticing that?
Todd: I guess I wasn't paying attention.
Tea: It looks weird, I know.
Todd: No...no...it's, uh, well, it's...kind of...you know...different.
Tea: It's weird, it's ugly, but I don't care. I have my life back and I have you and I know you don't care what I look like.
Todd: You were telling me the truth, weren't you?
Tea: Of course. (pause) When?
Todd: When you said that you can look at my face and not see my scar.
Tea (raising her head and looking in his eyes): You didn't believe me?
Todd: I don't know. It's hard for me to believe that anyone could look at me and not see it.
Tea: Somehow you managed to look at me and not see that I was bald.
Todd: I saw. Well, sometimes I did. (caressing her head again) Sometimes, I just saw you, you know, like when you were crying after you found out the cancer was gone. I didn't care that your head was bald. I just saw you crying...again.
Tea: I can't help it. I'm an emotional person.
Todd: Did you get that from your mom?
Tea: Where did that come from?
Todd: In the jail, when I was waking up, I heard you and Viki talking about your mother and about how your brothers aren't really in your life much.
Tea: Yeah.
Todd: Do you want to, uh, talk about it?
Tea: I thought that was my line.
Todd: I thought maybe we could switch roles for a change. Seriously, if you want to, you know, do that talking thing it would be okay with me.
Tea: I don't know. It doesn't really matter.
Todd: It does to me. Believe me, talking doesn't change anything. Everything that happened still happened. You're always telling me, though, that you don't want me to be alone with my stuff, right? So, why should you be alone with yours?
**********************
chapter 59
[Tea leans her head against the back of the couch and lets out a sad sigh.]
Tea: What do you want to know?
Todd: What was it like when she left?
Tea: It was normal.
Todd: She left a lot?
Tea: No. Before she left it was completely normal. At least it looked that way to me. I was so little. Maybe there were things going on that I didn't know about. I know there was a lot of sadness in that apartment. Even when I was little I knew that.
Todd: Did she say good-bye?
Tea: No. Well, in a way she did but it was for her not for me.
Todd: What do you mean?
Tea: Do you really want to hear about this, Todd?
Todd: I'm having an unselfish moment. You should take advantage of it.
Tea: She came into my room the night before. It wasn't unusual, she would do that often. Normally she'd just spend a few minutes but that night she stayed longer. I didn't really think much about it at the time. She was talking about the past and the future. I didn't think at the time to memorize the conversation so I don't really remember a lot of it. When she leaned down to kiss me before she left I could tell that she was crying. (tears coming to her own eyes) That wasn't unusual either. She cried a lot.
Todd: Like you do.
Tea: I asked her why she was crying. She said that sometimes she loved me so much that her heart overflowed and it came out her eyes.
[Todd tries to wipe Tea's tears from her cheeks with his fingers. Tea lays her head back down on Todd's chest.]
Tea: She didn't love me.
Todd: You don't know that.
Tea: If she had really loved me she would have stayed.
Todd: I loved you and I left. I left my kid and you know how much I love her. Your mom loved you. There must have been other stuff going on. It didn't have anything to do with you.
Tea: That's not how it felt at the time. That's not how it feels now.
Todd: I know.
Tea: The next morning, I woke up and heard my brothers yelling. They were saying horrible things about her and using words that they normally would never be allowed to say. After awhile my grandmother came and the yelling stopped. Eventually she came into my room and she told me that my mother was gone and that she wasn't coming back. She said that because my father was hurting so much I shouldn't talk about my mother anymore or it would just cause him more pain. I was so confused. I didn't understand and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I thought it was my fault. I thought that I must have done something to cause it and because I couldn't talk to anyone about it no one was there to tell me that I was wrong. I know now that there was nothing I could have done to cause it or to prevent her from leaving. The feeling inside me, though, never went away.
Todd: I made it worse when I left and those times that I threw you out. I'm sorry.
Tea (raising her head to make eye contact): I came into this relationship with my own baggage.
Todd: Yeah, and I knew that. I promised you that I'd never leave you like your mom did but I did, I left you.
Tea: You would think that the feeling would end. That at some point it would stop hurting but I remember what it felt like being in my room that morning. Decades later I still remember that feeling.
Todd: I know.
Tea: You know, when you tell me about your childhood and I see how much pain it still causes you, I want to take it away but I can't, can I? (caressing his cheek) I can't take any of it away no matter how much I want to.
Todd: I don't know. It...um...I don't know.
Tea: I want so much to be able to take away your pain and for you to take away mine.
Todd: We will. It may take a long time though.
Tea (tears running down her cheeks): I don't want you to leave me. I don't want to hurt anymore.
Todd: I don't want you to hurt. You know that.
Tea: Then be with me, Todd. Don't push me away.
Todd: I'm not. I'm holding you. I'm not pushing you away.
Tea: You have before and you will again.
Todd: But you won't let me. You know I need you and you need me. So, we'll be together, okay? (touching her face) Stop crying.
Tea: I love you, Todd. (kissing his scarred cheek) I love you.
[Tea kisses his mouth, cautiously at first, afraid that he'll pull away from her. When he doesn't but instead holds her closer to him she lets go and drops her defenses and opens her raw, wounded heart to him completely. Tea climbs more fully onto Todd and allows her body weight to fall completely on him as she kisses him more deeply. Todd pulls her shirt up in the back and begins caressing her bare back. After several minutes of pressing against each other and kissing wildly Tea pulls away from their kiss and sits up. She quickly removes her shirt and starts to remove her bra when Todd stops her with a grunt. She leans down and kisses him again as his hands replace hers in undoing her bra. As Tea sits back up again Todd pulls the straps off her arms and throws her bra on the floor. Todd looks at Tea for several seconds, her upper body completely exposed to him. Tea begins unbuttoning Todd's shirt as he places his hand on her chest and begins massaging her, teasing her by massaging near but not touching her nipples. When his finger finally presses against her sensitive flesh she moans in pleasure. Todd pulls Tea back down onto his body. They kiss and move their bodies against each other. They both feel their bodies reacting strongly to the stimulation.]
Tea: Todd, I want you. I really need you right now.
Todd: Not here.
Tea: This is fine. I just want you inside me.
Todd: No...(getting distracted by the sensation of Tea's nipples pressing against his chest and Tea kissing his face and moving her body against him)...um...when...uh...when...ohhh...when people visit us they sit here. Not here.
Tea (gesturing toward the bedroom Moose had stayed in): There?
Todd: Moose's stuff is still in there.
Tea: The pool table?
Todd: I broke that, remember?
Tea: Well, then you weren't planning on using it again anyway.
Todd: We should go upstairs.
Tea: I don't want to wait that long.
Todd: An extra minute?
Tea (lifting her face so it's positioned directly above his with their foreheads touching): I don't want you to change your mind.
Todd: I won't.
[Todd can feel Tea's body shiver and he knows that it isn't because of pleasure. Tea slowly removes herself from Todd's body and gets off the couch. Todd continues to lie there for a moment trying to catch his breath. Tea looks away from him, not wanting to see the look in his eyes change. When Todd finally gets up he approaches Tea. He knows that she's afraid that he'll hurt her, not by being violent but by pulling away from her. Todd puts his arms around her and pulls her tight against his body.]
Todd: I love you, Tea. Let's go upstairs.
[Todd steps back from her as she continues to refuse to look at him. Todd brings her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze.]
Todd: I want to be with you tonight. (with emotion in his voice) I really want you. I need to take a shower first though, okay?
Tea: You don't have to.
Todd: Yes, I do. I haven't had one in days.
Tea: I don't care.
Todd: What happened before, in the cell...
Tea (knowing their moment of passion is definitely over): It's okay, Todd. We don't have to...
Todd (stopping her, knowing what she's thinking): I want to. I really want to. I really want to make love to you tonight. I want to hold you in my arms and feel your body against mine and touch you and... I want that, Tea. I swear I want that. I need to feel clean first. Can you understand that?
Tea (caressing his face): We don't have to.
Todd: I know that. I'm not promising. I'm just telling you that I want to spend the night with you in our bed. I want to make you feel good. I want to try. I don't know what will happen. I don't know if my brain will leave us alone. I just know that I want to be with you.
Tea: Okay. Could you...could you do something first?
Todd: What?
Tea: Could you hold me? Just for a few minutes. That's all, nothing else. Could you just hold me?
Todd: Okay.
[Todd finishes undoing his shirt and removes it from his body. He steps back into Tea's personal space and hugs her again. This time Tea hugs him back as tightly as she can.]
*********************
chapter 60
[Tea is nervously pacing in the bedroom. Todd has been in the bathroom for a long time. When she hears the shower stop she gets even more nervous. She looks down at herself wondering if she should put on something more appealing. After Todd went into the bathroom Tea put a robe on but left the rest of her clothing the way it had been when they were downstairs, the lower part of her body was clothed the top part wasn't.
In the bathroom, Todd steps out of the shower. He has scrubbed his body hard trying to get the feeling of filth off of himself so it wouldn't infect Tea. As he is about to put the robe on that he had brought into the bathroom with him, he catches a glimpse of himself in the full length mirror. He wants to turn away and hide from his appearance but he finds that he can't look away. He sees it so clearly he questions how Tea could look right at him and not see it herself.
In the bedroom, Tea has tried to sit in numerous places in the room, trying to find a way to look casual and hopefully appealing to Todd but nothing feels natural. She laughs slightly to herself realizing that she feels like this is her first time with Todd. As more time passes and Todd doesn't come out of the bathroom, Tea begins to worry. At first, she thinks that it probably means that he can't bring himself to be with her. This thought hurts her but she quickly puts it aside as her concern becomes more about Todd as the minutes continue to pass. Tea wants to check on him, to make sure he's okay, but she also wants to give him the privacy and space that he needs. Finally, the concern takes over.]
Tea (standing outside the bathroom): Todd? (Todd doesn't respond) Are you okay? (still no response) We don't have to... It's okay if we don't...
Todd (quietly): Tea?
Tea: Did you say something? (no response) Todd?
[Worried about Todd, Tea cautiously enters the bathroom and is shocked to find Todd standing naked in front of the mirror staring at himself.]
Tea (slowly approaching him): Is everything okay, Todd? (standing next to him and watching his face in the mirror) Todd? (Todd doesn't react) Do you know where you are?
Todd: I'm not out of it. I know where I am. I also know who I am...(looking at her through the reflection in the mirror)...better than you do.
Tea: Who are you?
Todd (pointing to his reflection in the mirror): I'm him.
Tea: And who is he?
[Todd is silent for a moment, not really knowing how to respond.]
Tea: What do you see in that mirror, Todd?
Todd: It's...it's so obvious. Can't you see it?
Tea: No. All I see is my husband, the man I'm in love with, the man I'm attracted to.
Todd (looking away): No...no...no...
Tea: Yes. That's what I see, Todd. What do you see?
Todd (looking at himself in the mirror again): It clings to me.
Tea: What does?
Todd: It's... I don't know. I... There isn't a word for it but it's there. I can see it. I can feel it. It's on my skin all the time. If you touch me it will be on your skin. I don't want that. It eats at you. It destroys you.
Tea: There's nothing on your skin, Todd.
Todd: Yes, there is. He put it there.
Tea: No, he didn't. He made you feel horrible about yourself. He convinced you that your body was ugly but it's not.
Todd: Yes, it is. It's disgusting.
Tea: No. I see your body, Todd. I don't think it's disgusting.
Todd: Then you're not looking at it right.
Tea: What you feel on your skin isn't real. It's a feeling. It's on the inside, not the outside. It's a feeling that you've had for a long time, isn't it?
Todd: Forever.
Tea: You won't give it to me, if that's what you're afraid of. I won't catch it by touching you.
Todd: Yes, you will. I can't let that happen.
Tea (standing in front of him, blocking his view of the mirror): It won't happen, I promise.
[Tea lightly places her hand on Todd's chest. Todd looks down at her hand. She raises it to show him that whatever he thinks is coating his body hasn't gotten onto her hand.]
Tea: See? It's not on my hand, is it?
Todd: Not yet but you shouldn't take the chance. It doesn't feel good.
Tea: I know. I'm not worried. I know it doesn't feel good. I know your skin doesn't feel good. I could make it feel good, if you let me.
[Tea places her hand back on his chest and moves it around slightly.]
Todd: No, you don't want to do this.
Tea: Oh, yes, I do.
Todd: Tea...
Tea: I want to make you feel good. Let me try.
[Tea's hand moves down his stomach cautiously until it reaches it's target. As she begins to slowly stroke him, he groans in both external pleasure and internal pain. He reaches his hand down to hers wanting to pull it away, to make her stop, but he can't. His body is fighting his mind for control and for the moment his body wins. He lets go of her hand and allows her to continue to pleasure him. Tea steps closer to him and begins licking and sucking on his chest, trying to distract his mind so it won't interfere in his enjoyment.
After a few moments, Tea is surprised to feel Todd opening her robe. He tries to pull it off of her but can't because she won't let go of him to release the robe so it dangles from her arms. With her upper body exposed to him, Todd touches everywhere. He caresses her back and her stomach. He pinches her nipples as Tea is lightly nibbling on his.
As Todd begins thrusting his body more rapidly into Tea's hands she removes her mouth from his chest and kisses his mouth openly. Todd thrusts his tongue into her mouth deeply as his climax hits and his body convulses violently.
After a brief moment of holding Tea tightly, Todd's mind regains control. He steps back from Tea and is horrified. He quickly grabs a towel and begins cleaning her off.]
Todd: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Tea: Don't be.
Todd: I knew it. I knew this would happen.
Tea: What?
Todd: I got you dirty.
Tea: No, you didn't.
Todd: Don't lie to me. It's disgusting.
Tea: No, it isn't. (taking the towel from Todd) It's okay, Todd. It doesn't bother me. You certainly haven't soiled me, if that's what you're thinking.
Todd: But...
Tea (wiping herself with the towel): Look, it comes off. I don't mind, Todd. It's okay.
[After cleaning herself off Tea approaches Todd. He backs away.]
Tea (extending the towel toward him): I was just going to clean you off but you can do it yourself, if you'd prefer.
Todd: You don't think it's disgusting?
Tea: No. Why would I think that?
[Todd doesn't take the towel so Tea tries approaching him again. This time he doesn't back away. She cleans him off with the towel and then tosses it on the floor.]
Tea: Are you hungry? We could go downstairs and get something to eat.
Todd: You're gonna treat it like nothing happened.
Tea: Oh, something happened here. Believe me, I won't be forgetting it.
Todd: You're okay with this? You're really okay with this?
Tea: Yes. It felt good didn't it, Todd? (softly) Didn't it?
Todd (embarrassed): Sort of.
Tea (trying to make eye contact): Good. I'm glad. I like making you feel good. It makes me feel good.
Todd: You didn't...um...(pointing to her body)...you didn't, right?
Tea: No, but I definitely felt some nice sensations. Maybe later, if you're interested, we could...well...do some more things together.
Todd (caressing the side of her head): You really don't think it's disgusting?
Tea: No.
Todd: You don't think I'm disgusting?
Tea: No. Todd, I know it feels different for you. I know that. It doesn't feel that way for me, though. You're my husband. I love you. I'm very attracted to you. I want to be with you sexually and I will never think it's disgusting or repulsive.
Todd: What if I wanted you to do something you thought was really gross?
Tea: If I didn't want to do it I would tell you.
Todd: I wouldn't make you do anything.
Tea: I know that. I trust that. I trust you, Todd. I trust you with my body. I hope that someday you'll trust me with yours.
Todd: I just did.
Tea: But you had to struggle within yourself to let me touch you. I hope someday I'll be able to touch you when the pleasure won't cause you pain or torment.
Todd: That day might never happen.
Tea: Well, we have a lifetime to keep trying. That is, if you'd like to keep trying.
Todd: I...um...I guess that could, you know, be okay.
Tea: Good. So, what about food?
Todd: Are you hungry?
Tea: I haven't eaten since this morning.
Todd: Then you should eat. I don't want you getting sick again.
[Tea wraps her robe around herself again and leaves Todd so he can get dressed. She goes down to the kitchen and starts heating up something to eat.]
Todd (entering the kitchen): That smells kind of okay.
Tea: You know, now that I'm not sick anymore Carlotta won't be bringing food over all the time. After we finish with the food she already brought we'll have to start cooking for ourselves.
Todd: Well, it will probably take us a year to eat all of the stuff she brought. When it's all gone we'll just have to start doing take-out or something.
Tea: Or we could cook for ourselves.
Todd: Why bother? Oh, that's right. You're into that pretending to be like normal people thing.
[For the first time since Todd entered the kitchen Tea allows herself to look directly at him. She expects to find him dressed in his usual outfit of layers and is surprised to find him wearing a robe. She can't help but wonder if he's wearing anything under the robe. If she were married to anyone else but Todd she would go to him and find out but she doesn't want to pressure Todd or scare him away so she returns her focus to the food she's preparing.
Todd sits at the table and watches his wife. He knows that she isn't wearing a shirt under her robe. He thinks about what her breasts feel like in his hands...in his mouth. He immediately begins to feel aroused again. He considers walking over to her, removing her robe and making her feel as good as she made him feel earlier in the bathroom.
His thoughts are interrupted when Tea puts a plate down on the table in front of him. Tea sits down near him and begins eating. Todd picks at his food but doesn't eat any.]
Tea: Do you want something else?
Todd: Huh?
Tea: You're not eating. Would you rather have something else?
Todd: Um...no...uh...well...
Tea: I could get something else for you.
Todd: No...no...this...this is fine. (Todd shovels a large amount of food into his mouth) See? (with his mouth still full) It's fine.
[Tea smiles at her husband as he continues to shove food into his mouth as he watches her intently.]
to be continued...
