The image that met him was hard and cold and evil. It was all knowing of his every secret and his every fear. It also knew the side of him that wanted happiness and a family and never being alone again. He knew all of Todd’s secrets and had no problem calling him on his fears, wants or desires.
Todd: What the hell do you want?
Other person in the room: This isn’t about what the hell I want. What the hell do you want?
Todd: Why do you care?
Other person: I don’t. It’s you who has the problem with caring.
Todd: I’m busy. Go away.
Other person: I will when you do.
Todd: You’re going to make me do this. You’re going to make me say what I feel.
Other person: Can you think of anyone else you would trust more?
Todd: Easy. Tea. I would trust her more than I trust you.
Other person: Well, now, that’s not a possibility at the moment, is it?
Todd: No, not at the moment.
Other person: Then I’ll have to do.
Todd: But you’re the one person I trust the least.
Other person: But at the moment, I’m all you have.
Todd: Too bad, I’m not that desperate.
Other person: But you must be if you called me.
Todd: I didn’t call you. You just came on your own.
Other person: If that’s what you want to believe. If it makes this easier. Have you decided which thing you’re most afraid of?
Todd: I’m not afraid. What are you talking about?
Other person: Good. Then you’ve made progress. If you’re not afraid, then what’s stopping you. She needs you. They all need you. Too much for you to handle?
Todd: No. Yes. I don’t know.
Other person: Well you better figure it out. It’s not a trick question. It’s time you realized and accept that you do have good in you and that you can’t always blame others for what happened to you in the past. And as for bad and pain that you’ve caused others in the past, you have to let that go.
Todd: How? I wouldn’t even know where to start.
Other person: Which is why you started with me. You knew we’d have to have this talk sooner or later. Inevitability is something that will follow you no matter where you go. Because wherever you go, THERE IT IS. It sneaks up and catches you, mostly when you’re not prepared. You’re prepared this time.
Todd: Prepared for what?
Other person: Prepared for anything and everything. She’ll throw the entire arsenal at you. McPoet, Blair, Tom, Rod, Pete. She’ll throw it all up to you the same way I am. But you’re prepared. You know her game. She will try to push and push until you leave for good. You remember how that goes, don’t you Todd?
Todd: All too well. So why would I want to stick around and make this work? What’s in it for me?
Other person: That’s why you’re even considering this in the first place. The pay off is too good not to be worthy. She can offer you what you want most.
Todd: She’s what I want most.
Other person: She’s not what you want most. What you want most is for me to go away and for you not to be alone then. You’re more afraid of being alone than not having her. She’s a choice. She’s your choice. She is what you want, but she also stands for what you’re most afraid of. Aren’t you tired of being alone?
Todd: Yes. But that’s not her choice. It’s not her problem.
Other person: Then get her well and let her make her choice. She needs you now, but when it’s over, will she still need you? Will she still want you? Will you still be her choice?
Todd: I don’t know.
Other person: And therein lies the fear of helping her get better. You might not like the answer.
Todd: But what if she did want to stick around? It doesn’t end just there.
Other person: The rest will come.
Todd: What about the child?
Other person: Cute kid. Looks like you. But what if it’s not yours. Can you love her child?
Todd: I don’t know.
Other person: She accepted your child. She loved your daughter. She loved your daughter almost from the start.
Todd: I’m not as good as Tea.
Other person: Accepting doesn’t make us good. It makes us accepting. We choose good. It’s all about choices, Todd.
Todd: So you’re saying I can choose to accept this child and I can choose to make it good?
Other person: You are smart.
Todd: So do I ask if it’s mine?
Other person: And what if it’s not. You need to accept before the truth becomes a lie and confuses the situation. If you love her conditionally, and she ends up failing you, totally helpless to change the outcome, what have you gained? But…if you accept and love unconditionally, the way Tea did with Starr, you have nothing to gain but biology. The truth must come out. But accept first.
Todd: I want to. I’m trying. She’s so much like Tea.
Other person: And she’s so much like you.
Todd: I can love this child no matter the outcome.
Other person: See, that wasn’t so hard.
Todd: What about Tea?
Other person: I’m sure she already loves this child. And if it’s your child, hasn’t she proved already that she would love a child of yours?
Todd: I knew that part. I got that part. I’m talking about finding the strength to do what I need to do for Tea.
Other person: It’s in you. You may not like what you see, and you’re still afraid, but that fear will keep you cautious. It will make you remember what you have to lose.
Todd: I could still loose everything.
Other person: No one said this would be easy. What fun would easy be?
Todd: Don’t quote me to me.
Other person: You’re stronger than you think. You’ve done bad. You’ve done good. You’ve done glimpses of sweetness and light and you’ve been as despicable as is humanly and unhumanly possible. Try growing up.
Todd: What are you talking about? I own three homes. I own my own company. I support the community and I took care of my family.
Other person: You were financially responsible. But what about emotional responsibility? What about maturity? Stop using your money to get what you want and start using yourself. It’s within your reach.
Todd: And it’s within my destruction as well.
Other person: You’re right. You have no say so in this. You can’t make things happen. You can, instead, fall back to your old ways and make things as miserable as possible for everyone around you. And when they’ve had enough, you’ll be alone again. You’ve got miserable down to an art form. You’re weak and alone and right how you should be.
Todd: I’m not weak. I’m strong.
Other person: And you’ll let your fear and weakness overcome you and consume you like you always do.
Todd: I don’t want that.
Other person: There’s that old inevitability again. You’re afraid that if she has a choice, she will take her daughter and leave you. They all leave. No one ever wants to stay with Todd Manning. No one ever wants to just be with Todd Manning.
Todd: You’re wrong. Tea wanted to be with me. She came with me of her own free will.
Other person: But did she stay?
Todd: Yes. She stayed. She wanted me. She chooses me. He took her from me.
Other person: That’s what you think? She wouldn’t want to be with you. Starr’s only here because she’s not old enough to leave. Judith is only here because she likes Starr. She wouldn’t want to be around you without Starr. And Marissa. You think it would be a good thing if she were your daughter? What a joke! She has absolutely NO choice in all of this. She…
Todd: (angrily interrupting) Shut up! Shut UP! SHUT UP!!!!!! Enough. You’re wrong. They do love me. They do choose me. I CAN make this happen. Go away.
Todd picks up a crystal canister containing his scotch. He throws the bottle, shattering the full length mirror standing before him. He ends the conversation glaring at the shards of glass, his image still there, only now, cut into splintering pieces.
