The dawn rode in silently for Todd. He didn’t know the sun rose again. He didn’t know the skies were blue and the birds were squawking nearby. He couldn’t see the diamonds that danced in the sea he couldn’t smell. He was oblivious to his surroundings and squinted his eyes toward the shadow that had disturbed his nothingness. She stood above him, curious yet fearful, not wanting to upset this man she didn’t really know.
Marissa: Are you okay?
Todd: Yeah, kid, I’m okay. Are you okay? (He sat up, making him somewhat on her level.)
Marissa: I’m okay.
Todd: Well, then good. You’re okay and I’m okay.
Marissa: Is mommy okay? I want my mommy.
Todd: You’re mommy’s gonna be just fine, Short Cake.
Marissa: I want to see my mommy.
Todd: Soon, Short Cake. In the meantime, let’s see if we can get you something to eat. Are you hungry?
Marissa: No. I want my mommy.
Todd: Well you have to eat so you can stay strong for your mommy. She would want you to eat.
Marissa: That’s what mommy wants? Okay.
Todd took Marissa by the hand and into the kitchen. They were greeted by Starr and Judith who were already beginning to fix their own breakfast. Judith kept her distance, allowing Todd to messily throw together the batter for pancakes. He allowed the girls to stir and taste, adding to the messiness of the chaos. Toddian chaos. Starr was in a playful mood and was trying to get her Daddy to be happy in the moment. She could feel his sadness and it made her sad too. But she wanted to make him think happy thoughts and didn’t know what to say. Knowing that he was worried about Tee and knowing how much he loved her she decided to talk about her.
Starr: Where’s Tee, Daddy?
Todd: She’s still at the hospital.
Starr: But she’s going to be okay, right Daddy? You can make her better.
Todd: I don’t know Starr. She’s really sick.
Starr: (hugging her Daddy’s waist) But you can make it better. I know you can.
Todd reached down and pulled Starr to him. She was probably too big to be held but he liked having her near him. Feeling her love made him feel better and he liked how that made him feel. He wasn’t afraid to let Starr get close. There was no such thing as too close when it came to her. He had all this love and goodness that surfaced anytime she was near and he just liked the way it made him feel. There they were again. Those pesky feelings. But he found no fear or discomfort feeling them for her.
Todd: How did you get so smart? How did you get to the point where you know more than me?
Starr: I’m your daughter, Daddy. Of course I’m smart. I know you can make Tee better. What do doctors know? My Daddy’s smarter than they are.
Todd: I want to help her, but it might take a long time.
Starr: I want to help too Daddy. I can make Tee feel better. Can I see her?
Todd: Soon.
Starr: If you want to make her feel better, tell her your sorry that she feels bad and that you want to make her feel better. And take her some flowers. Girls like flowers.
Todd: They do, do they?
Starr: (whispering in his ear) You know who told me that? Todd nods his head. Tee!
Starr: I love you Daddy. I love Tee too. Tell her you love her Daddy and that will make her all better.
Todd: Ya think?
Starr: I know.
Todd caught a glimpse of Marissa in the corner of his eye, sitting at the counter, the high counter chair placing her there on a pedestal, his heart wanting to reach out to Tea’s flesh and blood. He could see her eyeing him and Starr, taking in their relationship and a bit sad that there was no one there for her. He had to find a way to share some of the love that he felt for Starr and Tea with this little girl as well. He found it so hard, so conflicting, catching himself hopeful that somehow she was his child, a product of the love he shared with Tea, instead of the creation of the beast that had so ruined his life. He knew that he had no right, nor invitation to be this child’s father, and history would show that he had no entitlement to believe that good things could ever happen to him. Her soul was always exposed to him, making him reflect upon his own soul. Did he have one? Could he have one? How would he be if he did, in fact, find out that he was human? He approached the child, apprehensive of what her needs might be in this particular moment.
Todd: Are you having fun?
Marissa: (licking the spoon she had been stirring the batter with) Yup.
Todd: Is that good?
Marissa: Nope.
Todd: Then why are you eating it?
Marissa: I don’t know.
Todd: But you’re having fun?
Marissa: Yup.
Todd: Then keep on doing what you’re doing.
Marissa just smiled. He realized that she smiled at him the same way Starr did. The same way Tea did.
Todd walked into the library and found Moose upside down on his perch.
Todd: I hope you do better today than you did yesterday.
Moose twirled around and sat perched up, almost at attention.
Todd: Good. Time for you to listen, time for me to do the talking. (Pause) Paternity is just biology, right? I was never any good at biology. (He paces back in forth in front of Moose, his arms expressively talking along with his mouth. He glances at Moose then looks away all during this somewhat conversation.) I don’t have to be her creator for me to be her Daddy. I mean, we all have one Creator when ya think about it. She can’t help her biology any more than I can help my biology. Do people hold my biology against me or do they just not like me? (He stops in front of Moose and points his finger at him.) Don’t answer that! Would people hold her biology against her? I’d kill them. I’d kill the bastard that would say anything to her about who her father is. Especially when her mother is Tea Delgado. That’s a point in her favor…okay, more than a point. That’s actually a good start.
Moose: Pretty girl.
Hearing a mouse like noise and catching Moose’s hint that a “pretty girl” had entered the room, Todd turned and watched as Marissa stood behind him, listening to his conversation with Moose.
Todd: Your mom used to do that too. You miss your mom, don’t you?
Marissa: Yes.
Todd: Do you like living here?
Marissa: Yes.
Todd: Would you like to live here with your mom?
Marissa: Yes.
Todd: Cuz I can make that happen.
Marissa: (her eyes lighting up for the first real time since he met her) You can? Oh yes. Please.
Todd: Please. Well it’s kind of hard to fight with please. (Mumbling to himself under his breath) Your mom used to do that too…fight dirty with niceness.
Marissa: Will you and Starr live here too?
Todd: Is that what you want?
Marissa: I want what will make mommy happy.
Todd: That’s what I want too.
Marissa: Then why don’t you? Starr says you can do anything. Make mommy happy.
Starr ran in the room.
Starr: Marissa, come on. Judith and I found a Freddie for you. You can have your own Freddie the frog.
Starr and Marissa ran out of the room, smiles on their faces, ready for mischief, dirt and fun.
Todd: (turning back to Moose) See! It’s just so simple to a kid. Just make it happen. Damn the cost, damn the emotions, damn it all. Just make it happen. I’m no, whatever her name is Sullivan. I’m no damn miracle worker. Could it be as easy as they think? Am I really capable of making it happen? Why do so many people have faith in me when I don’t have it in myself?
Moose just squawks. Todd turns around again, this time seeing the one and only person who has all the answers.
