A polar breeze scraped along Tea’s now-uncovered but clothed body, she curled in a fetal position for warmth, protection … the fire had gone out leaving her in darkness tinted with the deep-sea blue of a coming morning. Pulling herself up slowly to a sitting position, she rubbed her eyes, rubbed sore muscles in her arms. Somehow she’d made it to his bed - found herself surrounded by luxurious linens … cottons the color of cream and silks a silvery gray. She breathed fully and then noticed the window wide open - and of course, no Todd.
“Where’d you disappear to now, Diablero,” she mumbled, shivering as she moved to close the window, the lightest of snow falling delicately outside. Getting onto her knees on the sofa, she held the wood frames a while and watched the shadows of the craggy trees beyond the grounds, of the pine trees keeping guard beyond … an edge of a ghostly Llantano Mountain forest. Breathing in deeply, she listened for the wintry quiet, such peacefulness … she could imagine the infinite respite this place must give Todd. She found herself understanding the emptiness of the house itself - its simplicity. He needed it that way to balance out the chaos inside of him, the wildness. Made sense to her …
A sound broke the silence, however, and Tea tightened her grip, squinting her eyes to see better - a guttural breath she heard, the even crunches of snow beneath feet … or paws. The breaths intermingled with growls - definitely an animal. Where, though? The movement paused, quieted … and then the interloper revealed itself …
Situated mere yards away, a wolfish creature stared upwards, directly at her. Not exactly a dog, not exactly a wolf … not a bear … too big, too small. White heated breaths puffed from a parted jaw, the tips of canine teeth catching the last bit of moonlight. He took steps forward … began pacing … never letting her out of his sight. He then dipped his head and nudged something, pushed at it. Picked it up so it hung limply in his eager mouth. Tea swallowed a lump of fear, baseless because the woodsy animal posed no legitimate threat - he … IT … couldn’t jump up to the ledge, IT should be satisfied with the mouthful of meat … the bloody, bitten, soul-deprived carcass. Yet, Tea perceived a marked vibe of … discontent. The animal then whipped the condemned thing back and forth - making sure it was dead. Growled once more … and stalked away with the spoils, slipping back into the cover of trees and what remained of the night.
Tea shut the windows, still watching for the creature through the glass and then sat cautiously on the sofa. Couldn’t take her eyes off the horizon … couldn’t move … because that dog or wolf … IT had looked at her. Directly, unwaveringly - as if it knew her. As if … she would be its long-awaited satisfaction.
“That’s ridiculous,” she said in a voice a hair above a whisper. “You were here with me last night. I saw you afterwards … you were ‘you.’ Hurried sex … it made you vulnerable again. I saw you, damn it, I saw you.” She contemplated the view a bit longer, the snow beginning to cease its incessant fall and daylight beginning to seep across the sky. She imagined the animal now … perhaps finding a place to devour its kill, perhaps lying down to sleep in a corner of the forest where light never reaches. Or … in a bed … surrounded by the gentle cover of silk and cotton - next to her.
“Tea, get a hold of that huge imagination of yours,” she chastised herself, still cold. She crawled back in bed, easing herself under the thick comforter, pulling it around her. Considered sleeping more - thinking about the previous night. Wondering …
Maybe it had all been a game to him, maybe he had only let her think he’d unwrapped the layers of linens around his soul - sharing his barely functioning heart with her for that short time. Maybe he really hadn’t opened up like she thought. Seemed so real, though - they’d been intimate … on the floor there. Sitting shoulder to shoulder - talking a little, touching … a little. He talked about the baby - that he had given away what amounted to a bundle of blankets, a bundle of … warmed, soul-deprived meat. Shuddering, she cleared her head. No, she corrected herself, he believed he had given away … a bundle of nothing. Perhaps he’d experienced a psychosis - an psychotic episode. Sure, that’s what it must have been.
“He told me the truth - I felt it. I know when he lies.” Caught herself - he’d fooled her once. Not possible to do it again. “I know NOW when he lies … right? Right … right …”
And so at some point in the night, amidst sighs and unspoken thoughts, Tea had fallen asleep - except she couldn’t remember even being sleepy. Couldn’t pinpoint the time it had happened nor how she’d gotten to the bed. Amazing she could slip away like that, more than amazing. Impossible. Their ‘lovemaking’ hadn’t been the kind which would naturally lead to the slumber of satiated lovers. Quite the opposite. Every nerve of hers had been on fire afterwards, every sense heightened to an almost noisy level. She felt every part of him that made contact with her - his skin, his clothing, every word he spoke, every sound he uttered, everything. Their conversation had been a violent blast through a prickly, wintry forest.
She’d thrown out defense ideas to him, ways and means of confronting the truth, of paying for the crime even … while maintaining his freedom and he had shot down every option but promised he‘d think on them more. But … something happened and now here she was, alone.
A sharp click caught her attention and she looked towards the bedroom door. It opened slowly at first, then flew open, and Todd strode in … Tea gasping at the sight of him. Couldn’t be …
“Todd …” she finally managed to squeak out. “What happened to you?”
“Needed to get some air,” he grumbled, grunting tiredly and rubbing his face. He stood a few feet from the bed, thoroughly soaking wet, hair hanging about his face, water from the ends dripping onto the floor … he had bare feet. Roughly he took off a sopping black shirt, the fabric far too thin for the inclement weather. When he got to the pants, though, he focused on her, tilted his head in a questioning way. Asking permission. Except the beginnings of a smile teased the corners of his mouth. She shook her head in disbelief - of course he wasn’t asking permission, he was challenging her.
She could hear him removing the rest of his clothes and the bed jumped as he plopped down heavily on top of the covers. She glanced over his long unclothed body, muscular as ever - slender. She noticed that he had closed his eyes. Tea had raised her knees up, hugged them, cold suddenly just from being near him. Like ice, his skin radiated coldness … and she impulsively reached her hand towards him, feeling the frosty air - seeing raw scratches on his shoulder … thin, spidery, blood-red ones beginning at the base of his shoulder and disappearing over the top. She pulled her hand back … regarding the ragged cuts against his pale skin.
A muffled voice said, “I’m fucking exhausted.”
“Where did you go?” she asked warily. “You’re hurt …”
He shrugged. “Went on a walk … more of a run, I guess. Needed to get out.” He popped his head up … licked his lips … his eyes moved from hers downwards. “It’s beautiful out there after a storm - it’s quiet. So … quiet.”
She swallowed, walking a line of nervousness. Asked, “How did you get the scratches?”
“An angry bush …” He chuckled, dropping his head back down, “No pun intended.” Started to laugh, but restrained himself. Tea didn’t like the way he made her feel - instinct pecked at her … she thought of the kill hanging from the creature’s mouth, nothing but a soul-deprived carcass. Shaking the image away, she touched the scratches and his countenance morphed from bemusement to … a halting seriousness.
“Does it hurt?” Like she suspected, his skin was icy … impossibly cold … the only warmth emanating from the cuts.
“Not really,” he said, his voice husky. “But even if it did - some peace is worth some pain.”
“Peace as in …?”
“Silence … shutting up noise.”
“How do you ‘shut up’ noise, Todd?”
“With everything I got.”
She pulled her hand back … and out of nowhere, she suddenly imagined Todd with his hand over Blair’s mouth, holding onto her from behind … shutting up her screams effortlessly. God, she could feel Blair’s fear - but it wasn’t a memory. No, this was different from her own experience, Blair feared for her life. Panic overwhelmed her - Todd wanted more than mere quiet, much more than that, and Tea could feel the lift he felt, the high from his work. It felt good, god … it felt deliciously good. The picture was too real, too precise, it came from outside of her, it seemed.
When she fired a look at Todd, languishing at her side, he grinned slightly, “Shhhhh. It’s fantasy - like a dream.”
She touched her chest, constricted by the images, almost not being able to breathe. He didn’t … know what she saw, did he? “What are you talking about?” she blurted.
“Shutting up noise.”
“Stop playing with me - please …”
“I’m not playing with you - I’m assuring you.”
More images came through, stones in the waterfall of her mind - Blair gasping for air, struggling against ferocious arms and hands … an impossible fight. Tea couldn’t determine what she felt more, who lay closer to her heart: Blair’s battle for her life or Todd’s exhilaration as he ‘shut up’ that noise … that … deafening, maddening noise. Tea covered her eyes, trying to reign in what could only be out-of-control worry, not-so-baseless fear.
“Oh god,” she groaned.
“Don’t be scared - they’re just thoughts.” He whispered, “It isn’t real, Tea.” She felt his hand on her back.
On the verge of tears … she understood too much … and suddenly, she could feel the freeing sensation of running wildly, running through the snow, the leaves and low-lying branches whipping out of the way, the overpowering smell of night air, pine, fresh dirt, then the warmth of hot blood, the taste of it - the relief. Tea woke herself up, forced herself out of an incredible waking dream, shaking … damp with the sweat of exertion and adrenaline.
She asked angrily, “Is she … okay? Did you hurt her?”
“Who?”
“Blair, damn it!!”
He chuckles, “Of course she’s okay. Well … she might have a slightly bruised …” He stopped.
“A slightly bruised, what?!”
“A slightly bruised ego. I told her a lot of shit yesterday … when she told me to go to hell.”
She let out a breath of frustration, covering her eyes again as if she could simply turn off the input - close him out. She wanted to get away from him … had to get away. She began to get off the bed but he grabbed her arm.
He asked gently, “Do you really think I’d … hurt Blair? I mean, sure, I’m a little … upset about this baby thing … but-”
“I don’t know you anymore,” she answered. “I don’t know your habits - I don’t know everything about you the way you think you know me, but I do have certain instincts.” She eyed him. “And they don’t disappear with the mild shudders of an orgasm.”
He chuckled again. “Mild?”
“Mild.”
“Look, you want to call her? I think she’s still alive. No, wait - I’ll call her and you’ll be able to hear her very-much-alive shrieks for yourself ...”
“I’m not -”
Now he laughed out loud. “Shit! You really think I killed her!” He rolled over onto his back and held his stomach, giggling. “Oh it hurts, Tea. It hurts … you hurt me. First the mild orgasm and now you think I’m a psychotic killer.”
Bristling, not finding anything funny about the images he sent her way, the ones he most definitely sent her way, Tea hissed, “Fuck off … AND get your naked ass off the bed. Now!”
Still laughing, he sputtered, “Hey, this is my bed. And if I want to lay my naked ass on it, I will. And as for fucking off … no way … I’m not leaving you ‘cause you know what? All this sharing makes me wanna fuck, yeah … I wanna fuck, don’t you?” He continued to laugh lightly, lying in a way which made rather obvious for Tea an insistent, physical declaration of what he wanted. He began poking at her ribs with his fingers, picking at her, touching her intrusively, whispering, “Say, yes, to me … say yes to the psychotic killer … come on, let’s fuck … I know you want to …”
Despite her protests, he kept prodding her … kept repeating the crude words to her, Tea all the while pulling away, trying to wrench her wrist out of his grip, she saying, no, telling him to stop … that she wouldn’t screw him if he was the last man on earth - not like this, no siree - except her fight only served to light more of a fire inside him, he getting way too much joy from her colorful ‘no’s,” though his erection didn’t scream amusement to her at all - no, it seemed just as angry as she was.
“We had fun last night, uh huh, we sure did,” he muttered in a breathy voice, caught up in his efforts to get to her, moving closer to her. She continued to fight him, tried crawling away from him … she could feel his hardness against her clothed thigh, he wrapping his arm around her, pushing her back on the bed with no work whatsoever - starting to get on top of her, murmuring, “… and don’t give me that ‘mild’ shit … you came damn hard, so hard that I could feel it inside of you …” He tried to grab hold of both her wrists, her arms like two whipping snakes in a pit, “… tell me you wanna fuck … say it, I like when you say that …”
At last she’d had enough of this and kicked at him, kicked him hard … crazed now with fury at him for his NERVE, for his goddamn nerve. “You want me to say, ‘fuck’?!” she screamed, “I’ll say it - get the fuck away from me!! GO!! GO!! DAMN YOU!!” She kicked at him fiercely and he finally hopped off the bed, he smirking at the whole thing.
“Don’t you laugh at me!!” She didn’t feel able to control herself anymore.
“Aww come on, Tea … I’m only trying to prove to you how much I love you - how SAFE you are from the psychotic killer …”
“I did not dream your rage!! I saw it, I heard it - I felt it! I feel it NOW!! You want people dead - you’re like an angry, fiendish child caught with a suffocated kitten in your hands … so mad, so mad, you could kill someone! Someone, plural! That one cursed kitten - it’s just not enough, is it?! You need MORE - more blood, more, more, more!! Damn you!!” As a choked, wordless yell erupted from her, she smacked at the sheets in frustration and … with an anger beyond herself. After some moments, she quit - sat there, disbelief at her inability to decipher him, his words, his actions …
He licked his lips, pulled his hair back - that wolfish creature … it lurked behind flashing eyes. “An ‘angry child’? A ‘suffocated kitten’? My, aren‘t we poetic this morning. What’s the matter, Tea, don’t like losing your sense of control over me? That’s such … a fuckin’ bitch, isn’t it?”
She bit down on her tongue to keep it still - because what she would say would do nothing … she’d get nowhere. In her peripheral vision, she watched Todd slowly walk the perimeter of the bed, coming closer to her, taking a blanket and wrapping it around himself - a sudden and surprising show of modesty. When he got near enough, he kneeled down. Watched her a bit. Then, nodded a sincere-sounding, “I’m sorry.”
“Not nearly good enough.”
“I’m REALLY sorry. I’m being an asshole.”
“Go to hell.”
He smiled, “I love when you talk dirty to me.”
“I’m not playing games, Todd. You’re confusing me … as usual. I’m feeling things … that scare me. I’m worried - about everything!”
“What you saw … were just pictures.”
“No - it was more than that. How did you know what I was looking at anyway? What I was seeing? You’re making me crazy!”
“I knew - because I know how you think - I could see it in your face. The whole story played out … you’re remembering things that happened between you and me. Mixing it up with … irrational fear - stuff I said yesterday. And you’re tired, to boot. And … you’re sleeping in my house. That alone is enough to make anyone nervous.” He hesitated, then added, “I didn’t kill her - I didn’t even see her last night. She’s fine … the ‘kittens’ are fine.”
Tea sighed, nursing a bruised sense of self. She could smell the woods on him, she could see the scratches reaching down from his shoulder to his chest. She pushed him away, saying, “Sit over there.”
He did - got up and strolled to the sofa. Then he reached for the side table and picked up the telephone, dialing a number. Tea heard him grumble, “Gimme Blair.”
Had Tea been in a different frame of mind, she would have laughed when Todd held out the phone, held it in the air towards her - Blair’s shrieks flying across the room … all the way to the bed like spit. He hung up the phone. “Told you, she’s so very much alive.”
“She certainly is.”
“Okay? You better?”
“No.”
“What can I do? Tell me. Can I sit by you?”
“NO! No - you … you stay there … you and your nakedness. Stay there.”
“Okay, okay. Me and my nakedness will stay right here.”
“It’s you, you know. You’re the one who can’t stand to lose control.”
“Well - it’s good to know they don’t hand out law degrees to just anyone.”
“Don’t mock me - control to you has reached new levels … whole new levels. Spooky levels.”
“Yeah, I know - the baby thing.”
“It’s really nothing to you.”
“Psychotic … episode.” He glanced out of the window. Then asked, “How did it feel to you?”
“How did … what, feel?”
“Killing her - how did it feel?” He looked from the white of the glass to Tea. “How … did … it … feel?”
She didn’t want to remember - choosing instead to live with the relief that Blair remained with the living. Todd cleared his throat, breathed in deeply, answered for her. “Bet it was like jumping out of a plane - a rush of wind all around you - your stomach in your throat … like being on the edge of both laughing hysterically and crying like your lost your mother. Right in between worlds … this consuming sense of out-of-control … control.”
I’m relieved, Tea kept saying to herself, just fantasy … just … a dream.
He got up, gripping the blanket … took steps, small steps … never losing sight of her. “It’s better than sex … it’s better than a shot of whiskey - two shots. Better than being lifted onto shoulders when you make the winning touchdown - when the opposing lawyer says, ‘You ought to represent the devil himself - you’d win him a place next to GOD.’”
Tea lifts an eyebrow at him, “I don’t think so.”
“Come on, if some flunky Harvard lawyer said that to you, you’d be feeling pretty good.”
“Killing someone isn’t like that.”
“You misunderstand me - I didn’t say that killing someone felt that way - I asked, what did the dream feel like to you?”
Moments passed by and then … as soft as the sound of snow falling onto storm wreckage, she answered, “It felt good.”
“Total … and ultimate … control over your mind, manipulating the world around you, winning, being powerful - feels fucking GOOD. Especially when the reality is the exact opposite - when you‘re trapped by … rules, regulations, laws, people stronger than you … prison walls.”
“Yes.”
The bed shifted with his weight … he carefully sitting next to her. His fingers ran from her shoulder … downwards to her hand. He laid his hand on hers. “I lost control when I gave the child away. Simple. A mistake … a mistake that I can‘t take back.”
“Did you think about the options I gave you?”
“Yes …”
“And?”
“None of it will work. I need comfort - some assurance that the midwife isn’t going to come back. I can’t live knowing this … thing is hanging over my head. Do you understand that?”
“Yes - which is why the person who needs to be told and who needs to be dealt with is … Blair. She’s the one who holds the key to ending this for you.”
“Which is … an impossibility.”
“I suppose.”
“We’re at an impasse.”
“Yes.”
Tea turned at last to him - and he returned her gaze. “You don’t have to be afraid of me,” he breathed.
“And why is that?”
“Because you know me and the only thing that you’re afraid of is the unknown - you’re afraid of what you don’t understand. And there’s nothing about me that you don’t understand … you’re inside of me - you feel what I feel … you see what I see.”
“No … there’s so much I don’t understand …”
“Name it … and listen to that always-right internal voice explain it.”
“You’re crazy, Todd - every moment I’m with you, I walk hand-in-hand with the executioner … he’s ready to chop me into bits, to tear my heart out … and throw it to the wolves.”
“And you love that … you love the risk of it … it’s why you’re here. The executioner … he’s the one everyone’s fascinated with - he‘s the one people fear and love. He can save the day by getting rid of the bad guy - but you pray that he never comes knocking on your door.”
He ran his fingertips up and down her arm, she finding herself trembling at his touch … reluctantly …
“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” he purred, “… what can I do to you that I haven’t already done? You know me … you know the damage … you know my secret high.” He leaned over and kissed her neck and she weakened at it, not wanting to let him do this … yet not being able to stop him either. His tongue, it wet her skin and she felt him suggest without words, without physical expression, that she lie back - which she did. Lifting her shoulder, trying to say something, trying to object. She felt his hand reach across her and press her arm, moving down to her hand. Intertwining his fingers with hers.
“Nothing to be afraid of, Tea,” he whispered, as he slipped a hand beneath her sweater, caressing her abdomen, slowly circling his way to her breasts - finally pinching an erect nipple - so sweetly, so gently. He didn’t kiss her on her mouth - not yet - that was too intimate for her now - too close. He bent and suckled at the other nipple, Tea barely breathing …
“You’re not scared of anything,” he murmured, “… you’re brave … you’re a warrior … like me. Look what you did - you heard about the kid and you came here with guns blazing - you came yourself - to see the devil’s fire for yourself. A warrior.” He kissed her skin along her side. Kissed across her belly … he removed her sweater now and she shook with anticipation, with … indecision …
She felt the coldness of his body - then touched him - took both hands and grazed the side of his head, that wet, wet hair … touched his cheeks, moved down to his shoulders. He glanced up at her and they studied one another.
“You cold?” she asked softly and he nodded in response.
“I don’t understand you the way you think I do,” she said.
“Listen to your instincts. What do they say?”
“That you’re dangerous … that …”
“That you love me anyways. That I love you …”
“God …”
He unbuttoned the top button of her slacks … and she put her hand on his - but then let go and freed him to undo the rest … and removed the rest of her clothes, the fabric smooth against her skin, everything sliding off like nothing. He climbed on top of her, holding her, warming her - and they stared at each other - mesmerized by what they saw.
“I’m not scared of you,” she said.
“’Course not - you know I can’t hurt you … the power’s all yours. You can do anything … you can be anything …”
“A wolf? A bird?”
“An executioner … a condemned woman … anything …”
“And where will you be?”
“With you … inside of you. Next to you. Wherever you want me to be.”
He bent and kissed her, their tongues reaching for the other … their mouths opening, getting more eager for the other. Tea placed her arms around him fully - pulling him to her, grasping onto him, wishing this moment wouldn’t pass … not so fast. She felt him swell in between her legs and he moved ever so slightly - he stopped kissing her to watch her. She rocked her hips upwards, her back arching, she opening up for him and in a quick motion, he entered her, both breathing in sharply at the feel of it - at their intense need for it.
Tea could hear him grunt gently with each slow thrust and she touched his lips, she feeling their increasingly heated, messy kisses. She placed her palms against his cheeks and made him look at her, he stopping his movements. He shuddered with restraint, saying beneath his breath, “I missed you … I missed this …”
“I know … me too.”
“It’s not perfect …” He closed his eyes and buried his face in her neck, shaking his head back and forth, saying, “Things … aren’t perfect.”
“When have they ever been?”
“They should be … they should be fucking perfect.” He pushed into her a bit harder at that, deeper at that … then grabbed onto her, rolling over so she lay on top of him. He moved her rhythmically against his body, his head leaning back, she kissing the muscles along his neck, kissing the scratches the forest had given him - the punishment night had justly issued for his daring to be working against nature …
The two writhed against each other and groaned and loved the best they could … and at the end, they let go - shivering with seemingly endless orgasmic waves, tightly wrapped in each other … beneath the cotton, the silks, the grays and the color of cream …
“You’ve got nothing to be afraid of,” Tea said.
“Yes, I do. I’m afraid of morality … righteous, earthly … morality.”
