It’ll be on your head the hell that comes raining down on Llanview … on YOUR head.
The return of electricity, the music crawling through the chilled air of the house, and Todd’s ominous words, held Tea in place, she digging her nails into the doorframe with lurching indecision. Instinct screamed at her to not let worse happen - too much had gone bad already, an innocent child let go, a mother’s irreparable hurt over forever-lost time with a newborn. She felt compelled to do something to head off further destruction, to soothe Todd’s building fury, to protect vulnerable ones from a raging storm over which she might have control.
And yet, she couldn’t let El Diablero get inside her that way, threatening her, pointing his sharp bloody claws in her direction … laying blame on her for his future wrongs. One thing is for a devil to get on his knees and admit that love could set him free, laying down weapons … it’s quite another for that same devil to promise a greater hell unless he gets what he wants, because there would be no end to his threats. There would be no way for Tea to determine his point of satisfaction - she’d be trapped for an endless period of time.
She set her jaw tight, tapped her fingernails.
“So what’ll it be … Teita? Delgado? Huh? Gonna walk out into the night, gonna risk hell … or are you gonna be with me?”
Tap, tap … the long hallway in front of her made her think of the Penthouse hallway, the chasm between the desirable insides of those rich rooms and the emptiness of the elevator leading to the outside, deprived of his love, deprived of life with him. The darkness reminded her of the many roads she’d taken leading away from him - she always running breathless, always bearing a heart torn in two about staying behind. Even now … she could hear the scratching neediness in his voice - behind the threats lay bits and pieces of who he’d once been to her.
What’s it gonna be, Teita?
“I don’t know,” she murmured. Todd didn‘t argue further, choosing to settle noisily into the sofa again, arms spread out along the backrest, his silken shirt partially open, rumpled. He watched the flames in the fireplace, appearing to know that he gained a minor reprieve. She turned fully to look at him, she leaning now, folding her arms across her chest. Protection against the power he had over her - because not surprisingly, she wanted to love him again, to touch him. Madre de dios, she sighed to herself, still clutching onto that old hope that her love could cure him of his pain.
When she had originally left Llanview with Todd, she hadn’t believed he committed all the wrongs he took responsibility for. She had taken his false confessions as his way of proving that she loved him no matter what. She conceded the argument, giving him her “acceptance” as a gift … until several weeks later when unpacking a suitcase in a tiny motel somewhere in Utah on their way to California. There, she discovered a rather hefty semi-automatic pistol with a silencer still attached, the weapon wrapped nice and neat, obviously not meant for her eyes. She had held it up to him, confused … only to be met with the coldest eyes she’d ever seen on him. So started the path to separation … the fights, the evident absence of his humanity.
“I thought you accepted me … crimes and all,” he had countered to her upset.
“I did … I do … but … you tried to kill R.J. I can‘t get over it. You TRIED to kill him.” She had searched his face desperately for the same hurt she had seen when the Armitage bombing had been brought up in the past, searched for the remorse, the sad glancing away, the brief shutting of his eyes trying to make that mistake disappear. Except … she never found those things.
“You shot him - you tried to kill him!” she had fumed.
“We went over this already … I missed ’missing’. A mistake. He’s not dead, what more do you want? More importantly, why the fuck do you care?”
“You never tried to kill someone intentionally before, Todd … I don‘t understand …”
“There’s a first time for everything. Get over it.”
And so her supposed “complete acceptance” of him had been flung onto the chopping block. Tea sniffled at the memory and Todd slowly looked over at her - his eyes had softened and he shrugged slightly, about to speak but deciding against it. Shook his head and resumed his study of the fire. With a heavy sigh, she moved towards him. Got down onto her knees, laying her hands on the tops of his thighs.
“Tell me your plan,” she said, “what kind of hell are you threatening me with?”
Gently, he placed his fingertips under her chin, lifting slightly. “Are you afraid?”
“Yes, a little.”
He smiled, barely. “I wouldn’t ever hurt you.”
“How do I know that?”
“Because I’m telling you. I … I wouldn’t lie about that.”
“I’m afraid that you will hurt Blair or Paloma … I’m afraid you’ll kill them.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes - you tried to kill R.J. outright and he never did anything to you. I have good reason to worry about … these others.”
He chuckled and ran his hands through his hair, letting his head drop back - letting his hands fall to his side. “Shit,” he said.
“Shit, you’ve been caught … or, shit, you’d never do such a thing?”
“Both … neither. What do you care about Blair’s life anyway?”
“She’s a person … a human being.”
“You haven’t spent much time with her, then. She’s an evil, lying bitch. Deserves nothing less than death … for what she did to me.”
Tea didn’t move from her purposefully submissive position - instead, she moved her hands upwards along his strong thighs … he looking down at her. She grinned slightly, “I’m reminded of a time …”
“… on the back porch of that bungalow.”
“Yes.”
“You unbuttoned my jeans …”
“I made you feel good.”
“Oh yeah,” he whispered hoarsely, caressing her hair, pulling her ever so carefully towards him.
Swallowing hard, Tea knew she had the power of the moment. He weakened always at her not judging him - always. Since the day they had met, he had this need to confess sin and be loved in spite of it, most definitely a curious twist of his self-image. Yet, for some reason, she had ultimately balked at the intentional act on R.J. - she attributed her repulsion to the fact that she had once loved R.J., but more likely, possibly, it was because she herself had been seduced by the attack, it being evidence of how far Todd would go … for her. On some level, she had left him because she couldn’t accept her OWN darkness - that his lack of remorse over what he’d done to her former lover had in fact seduced her - she loved that he’d committed a crime FOR her. Perhaps … he knew that.
“I want to make you feel good again,” Tea said. Placating the beast, she … rationalized.
“In exchange for what?” he asked.
“Just for old times’ sake.”
He laughed openly - catching on to her turn-around. “Shit,” he then chuckled. “You tempt me to take advantage of you, to … use that mouth of yours.”
She climbed onto his lap, straddling him, placing her hands on his cheeks. Stared intensely at him and said, “Talk to me.”
“’bout what?”
“Tell me what to do with the information I have.”
She suddenly became aware of his shivering, she felt it throughout her body, and she squeezed her thighs against his, wrapping her arms around him. “Are you scared of me?” she said softly.
“Nothing scares me - nobody scares me.”
She pulled back to study his features, to see that coldness once again. “I can’t leave,” she said, “… every time I try to walk away, I end up right here. On you.”
He smiled a tad and nodded.
“I see you again,” she whispered. “You come and go … like cloud-cover.”
“I don’t want to go to prison, Tea … I don’t really want to kill Paloma - but then I do because I don’t like being … cornered.” He spoke calmly, as if explaining why Italian food would be better than Chinese. “I have to do something. She will not go away - her knowledge will not disappear. Her overblown sense of morality is more than persistent.” He’d settled on Chinese.
“And what about Blair? Let’s say you take care of the Paloma angle - will that resolve your anger towards Blair?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I just want her to stop … existing … reminding me of the lies. Reminding me of my own hatred for her. I want that over with so I can breathe - ‘cause right now … I can‘t fuckin‘ breathe knowing she‘s taking up room on this earth … ‘cause she made me hate that kid, she made me -”
“Okay, okay,” she said, holding him a little tighter, pulling him to her. He laughed slightly, relieved or … vulnerable. She could hear his ragged breaths, so angry. He’d been pushed, he was trying to say. Perfectly clear, he explained, just how far he’d been pushed … pushed over the edge. Didn’t Tea get that?
“I get it,” she answered.
“No … no, you don’t.”
“Explain more, then.”
Too late … she felt him close off, his whole body relaxing. She looked again into his eyes and … like that cloud-cover, the coldness had returned. He swallowed, then said, “I can’t explain more than I already have. You know the kind of hate I’m talking about. You know … those girls who made fun of you? Remember watching them doing their lessons at the bar … remember wishing that you could use the switchblade you carried in your bag … on them? Remember … stretching your muscles and imagining their screams? It felt good, it felt relieving. It brought a smile to your beautiful face.”
“God …”
“What, you’re shocked? You’re morally outraged? You never felt those things?”
“Did I tell you about the switchblade?”
“Not intentionally, no.”
“Then how did you know?”
“I’m a sorcerer, Tea. There isn’t anything about you that’s hidden … or unknown to me.” He chuckled in a private way, taking back some of the power she’d had. “It’s why I love you - because I know everything about you.” he concluded.
“Are you going to kill Blair?”
“Maybe. I dream about it … I think about it often. I sometimes think I’d like to bury her in the backyard. Under a cherry tree …”
“Now you’re teasing me.”
“Am I?”
The two looked at each other, Tea finding herself oddly comfortable. She’d been ready to run, ready to risk hell … but here she was, on him. Without warning, he kissed her, his tongue immediately finding hers. Their hands roamed eagerly … again. Wrong, wrong … wrong. Tea felt her wrists being pulled behind her back and then held there with his one hand, his other reaching under her sweater, his thumb running across her nipple, then across the other. She shook with sexual excitement, held in place by him.
“I can’t do this,” she breathed out.
“You want it, it’s why you came to me in the first place.”
“No … I’m not ready to be this weak,” she said.
“I am.”
He bit her neck tenderly, bites of a playful tomcat, and Tea tried to free her hands but his grip didn‘t allow it. “Nope,” he taunted, his free hand grasping onto her lower back as he eased her onto the floor. She arched her back, lifting herself above her pinned wrists as Todd writhed on top of her, grinding into her. She couldn’t move, couldn’t stop him - didn’t want to.
“You want it over with fast? Or you want this to be … renewing, slow re-discovery?” He had said this under his breath, tugging on her earlobes delicately - in between words.
“Fuck you,” Tea mumbled, her head lolling back on the hardwood floor, the knot of her hands digging into her lower back. She felt him unbutton her slacks and pull them down - then off in a jerky, hurried motion. Just as quickly, he undid his own pants and pulled his cock out, Tea trying to wiggle away - she wasn’t sure, she wasn’t ready - this wasn’t what was supposed to happen …
“Fast, then,” he grumbled as he entered her, grunting slightly. Tea moaned with relief and immediate regret - it had been too long and they were making love again for all the wrong reasons - tears ran down her cheeks out of sheer panic and over-stimulation. Todd let go of her hands so he could lift himself, so he could push more freely and … harder. He then grabbed onto Tea’s leg, pressing her thigh against him. He then fell onto her, reaching his hands beneath her buttocks to thrust deeper inside of her, making her cry all the more - not out of pain but because the sensations were too concentrated, the emotion of being with him this way, too powerful.
“Oh … god,” she groaned as an orgasm began to overtake her, exploding throughout her at last, intensifying with the increasingly urgent movements of Todd’s body - he getting ready to come, too, she knowing him well enough. Tightening all her muscles for him, wrapping her limbs around him, she heard him finally growl from deep within his throat, thrusting once, twice … shaking with his own feral orgasm.
Within seconds, he pulled out of her, almost scampering away. He yanked his pants back on, buttoning them angrily and then sat back against the couch, catching his breath - while Tea got onto her side, eying him curiously. Still mostly unclothed. And there in the fire’s light, she saw Todd, her Todd. They sat that way for what seemed to be a long while.
“I see you,” she said, her voice breaking the silence.
He shook his head and looked away.
“What’s wrong?”
He shrugged, lifting his knee and placing his arm on top.
“Todd? Talk to me - you wanted this, right?”
“God damn it,” he mumbled.
Tea sat up and reached for her clothing.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I … uh …”
“You … what?”
“I love you.”
“I know you do.”
“You gotta understand - I did what I did … because … the baby wasn’t a ‘baby’ to me.”
Tea said nothing … simply letting him know that she was there - listening.
“I held it in my arms - it … didn’t move much. I didn’t clean it much - I‘d kind of wiped stuff off his face. Blair … she still was in a … birthing position, legs apart … exposed, you know? I remember the blood … I could see her … I wasn’t close though - and she reached for me, kinda blind with … tiredness, I guess. Asked for the baby. I looked at the stuff I was holding and saw nothing even close to resembling a ‘baby’, Tea … I would have given it to her if I had. I think. So I walked away. Handed the thing to Paloma who’d just gotten there … and told her to get rid of it. I felt nothing. Not a fuckin’ thing. I really don‘t know why. For some reason, right now … at this moment, I can‘t seem to recreate the kinda hate a person would have to have to … you know … do that.”
Tea wiped some errant tears away - loosened emotion. She got dressed. Then sat next to Todd. He slid way down and placed his head on her shoulder.
“Shit,” he muttered.
“You got that right.”
“I don’t want to kill anybody - okay, I do … and I don’t. What did you do to me … I’m completely fucked up right now.”
“Shut up and let me think.”
The music had long since died down and quiet haunted the rambling house. The storm gathered strength outside, snow whipping against the windows accompanied by a lonely howl of wind. Tea reached over and caressed Todd’s hair, whispering, “I love you, too.”
