Chapter 3
“You’ll…you’ll call me, won’t you? Soon?” Nick asked softly, his eyes lowered, his hands clutching tightly to his bag.
“Yes,” Brian whispered, turning the keys to shut off the car and running his fingers through his hair. Neither of them really believed him.
That morning had been hard. Waking up in each other’s arms had brought back all the memories of the previous night. To Nick’s dismay, he realized that he was still scared and that maybe some distance from Brian would be a good thing. He had sat on the edge of the bed, his back to Brian, and told him that maybe they should spend a little time apart. Brian felt another stab of pain in his heart, but he had expected as much. He sat up quickly and turned away, not wanting to let Nick see his tears and had softly agreed to the teen’s request. There was nothing else he could do. He had brought this on himself. The two of them barely spoke the rest of the morning. They’d watch each other with sad eyes when the other wasn’t looking, both of them wishing things could be different.
“Brian?” Nick asked softly, working up the courage to turn towards his lover and look into his eyes. “I’m sorry…” he whispered. Brian shook his head and reached out and laid his hand on Nick’s shoulder.
“You don’t have to apologize baby,” he said softly, not even realizing he had called Nick baby. But Nick did and it made him smile sadly. He loved that…loved it when Brian called him baby, loved it when he kissed him, when he laughed…. Nick hated that he had to give it all up just because he couldn’t quite handle the intensity of their love. Not yet anyway.
Without realizing what he was doing, Brian slid his hand from Nick’s shoulder to his neck and let his fingers caress the boy’s soft skin. Nick shivered and leaned into Brian’s touch. He reached out and touched the older man’s cheek with his fingertips. Brian trembled and swallowed hard over the lump in his throat. Nick leaned closer and pressed his lips gently to Brian’s. The older man sighed softly and slipped his fingers into Nick’s hair. Nick slid his hand around to the back of Brian’s neck and pulled him further into the kiss, which he deepened just slightly. Brian felt his heart ache and tears threatened to spill down his cheeks. This was goodbye. He knew that and he wouldn’t stop it, but it was breaking his heart.
But it wasn’t the same for Nick. He regretted rushing ahead and making love too soon, but he didn’t want to give Brian up for good. He just needed some time. When their kiss broke, Nick smiled softly at the older man for a few moments, trying to show him, without words, just how much he cared about him. He looked so sad and Nick hated that. “I’ll see you soon Bri,” Nick said softly as he shut the car door and looked at his friend through the window. Brian nodded, unable to tear his eyes from Nick; drinking in his image as if this were the last time he’d see him. He knew that wasn’t true, but it felt like it. Nick smiled again and waved before turning away and walking up the driveway.
“Good bye Nicky,” Brian whispered to himself as he started his car and drove off. As he drove, he allowed his pent up tears to fall. He hated himself for what had happened, for what he had done. His soft tears soon turned into sobs and he could barely see to drive. Luckily, his apartment wasn’t far. He hoped to God that Kevin wasn’t home. He couldn’t deal with his inevitable “I told you so” and “You should have listened to me” remarks.
Brian and Kevin’s families both lived in the area, but after high school, Brian had decided to move out, but rather than live alone he had moved in with his cousin. For the most part it worked out fine. The two of them were very close, although they inevitably got on one another’s nerves from time to time.
When he pulled into their small parking area, he was grateful not to see Kevin’s car. He left his bags in the car and quickly went inside. After taking a shower, he settled himself on the couch with a bottle of water, a blanket and the remote. He turned the ringer off on the phone and switched on the television, hoping something could take his mind off what had happened. But he soon found himself in the kitchen again, rifling through the refrigerator, the freezer and the cupboards. Frustrated after a few minutes, he choked back tears that were again threatening to fall, ran his fingers through his hair, and looked up towards the ceiling. He stood that way for a few minutes trying to decide what to do and trying not to cry.
But then something caught his eye on top of the fridge and he knew he had an answer…something he wouldn’t have thought of if it hadn’t been there. He pulled down the bottle of vodka and grabbed a glass out of the cupboard. He poured a small amount into the glass and drank it down quickly, cringing as the alcohol slid down his throat. He set the bottle and glass down and opened the fridge again; looking for something he could mix the vodka with. They didn’t have much, being that they had been away the past few weeks, but he noticed a full container of orange juice and figured Kevin must have bought it yesterday. He mixed the juice with the alcohol, using more of the latter, and settled himself back on the couch with the glass, the vodka and the juice. Despite his hopes, he soon realized that he alcohol didn’t take away his heartache. All it did was make the room spin and make him sleepy. But if he laid down the room only spun faster. So he stayed sitting, flipping channels and drinking, eventually foregoing the juice and just adding more vodka.
For all of Brian’s self-loathing and convictions that he was a bad person, he was in fact, quite the opposite. He was kind and loving, helpful and caring, and he hardly ever deviated from what was expected of him. He was, for all purposes, innocent too. Before Nick, he had had sex only twice. Once with a girl, his high school girlfriend, and once with a guy, just after high school. Being bisexual, or gay, or whatever—he was still figuring that out—had scared him at first, and honestly still confused him somewhat now. And it had ultimately been his cousin who had helped him through the fear and made him see it wasn’t wrong.
Kevin found him about two hours later. He was slumped over on the couch asleep, empty glass in hand. Kevin quickly surveyed the situation and took note of the half-empty bottle of vodka, the almost-full carton of orange juice and Brian’s broken expression. Even in sleep he looked very hurt. Kevin didn’t have to try very hard to figure out what had happened. Sighing, he sat down next to his cousin and flipped through the TV stations until he found something worth watching. He’d wait for Brian to wake up because he knew he’d need someone to talk to. He’d also probably need someone to help him recover from his little drinking binge. Kevin knew Brian had never had very much experience with alcohol, and that now, he probably hadn’t even realized how much he had been drinking.
The thunderstorm outside had made the sky dark early in the afternoon. After a few claps of thunder Brian woke up and quickly moved to stand up, intending to move to his bedroom.
“Don’t get up too fast.”
He turned his head to see Kevin sitting next to him, smiling compassionately. “The room tends to spin more, the quicker you move,” he explained softly. Brian nodded and slowly put his feet on the floor and stood up. He wobbled slightly and reached out for something to steady himself with, but there wasn’t anything to grab. Kevin reacted quickly, stood up and grabbed Brian’s hand. He slid his other arm around his younger cousin’s waist to help him regain his balance. “You gonna be ok?” He asked softly.
Brian stood very still, squeezing Kevin’s hand and breathing deeply. He tried to focus on the TV in front of him but everything was blurry. He shook his head and leaned against the older man. “No,” he murmured, feeling even worse. As quickly as Brian would allow, Kevin lead him to the bathroom. When he came out fifteen minutes later, he was pale and clammy looking. Kevin got him a glass of water and had him sit back down on the couch.
After about a half hour of silence, Brian turned to his cousin and muted the TV. “Why aren’t you asking any questions?” He asked softly, confused and weary. Part of him wanted to tell Kevin everything that had happened; the other part didn’t want to be bothered.
“It’s none of my business,” Kevin replied coolly, not intending his words to sound so uncaring. He wanted to comfort Brian, but he had tried to prevent this from happening and Brian hadn’t listened.
Brian winced at his cousin’s tone and lowered his eyes. “Oh,” he said softly, feeling worse by the minute…if that were even possible. He felt tears welling up in his eyes again and he quickly turned away from Kevin and turned the volume on the television up. Kevin watched him out of the corner of his eye and felt his heart sink. Despite Brian’s efforts to hide them, Kevin could see tears slipping down his cheeks.
“Brian, I’m sorry,” he said softly, reaching out and squeezing his cousin’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean to sound so harsh. I know you’re hurting…tell me what happened,” he murmured. Hastily, Brian dried his tears and pinched the bridge of his nose. His head hurt enough from the alcohol and from throwing up; crying certainly wasn’t making it any better. Kevin took the remote from Brian and turned off the TV, waiting patiently for his cousin to begin. As eager as Brian was to talk about it, he was also rather apprehensive. After all, Kevin had tried to warn him from doing what he had done…what more could he say than, I told you so?
“You had sex with him,” Kevin stated softly, his voice calm and guarded. He didn’t want to sound judgmental. Brian nodded, glad Kevin had started things off.
“Yes…we had sex,” Brian repeated softly, not able to meet Kevin’s eyes. He was silent for a few minutes, not really sure how to continue.
“Bri, I’m not gonna yell at you,” Kevin said kindly, trying to calm his cousin. “Just tell me what happened.”
Brian nodded again, took a deep breath and shut his eyes. “We had sex and it was…amazing,” he whispered, his cheeks flushing at the memory. “Kevin, it was so good. I…I’ve never felt that way before,” he went on, opening his eyes to meet his cousin’s gaze. He stopped for a minute, letting himself relive those moments with Nick when everything had been perfect. “But it…it was too much for him Kevin,” he said sadly, his eyes turning sad and regretful. “It was so intense, so powerful…it scared me. I felt so connected to him…I could feel him breathe, I knew what he was feeling…I drowned in him.” He stopped for a moment and took a deep breath, trying his best not to cry.
“But it scared him more Kev,” he went on after a few moments. “He cried when it was over…I held him and he cried,” Brian said, his voice breaking, his tears falling. Kevin could see the raw pain in his cousin’s face and he wished there was some way he could stop it. “He told me that what we had done scared him. I didn’t…Kevin, I never wanted to hurt him,” Brian pleaded, his voice desperate. “And I knew…my conscience told me over and over that I shouldn’t go through with it. But I thought it would be all right because…I love him,” he choked out, the tears flowing freely now. “And I know he loves me too…at least, he did…”
The thought that what had happened may have destroyed the love Nick felt for him was too painful. He pulled one of the couch pillows against his chest and buried his face in the soft material. Kevin bit his lip and watched the younger main for a few minutes. He hated to see Brian cry, to see him in pain. He reached out and squeezed Brian’s shoulder. Wanting to do more, Kevin moved closer and tried to pull him into his arms. But Brian shook his head and jumped up off the couch. “Brian--”
“No Kevin don’t…I don’t deserve it,” he said softly, angrily, his eyes full of hurt.
“Brian, don’t say that. You--”
“I’m a fucking pedophile!” Brian screamed, tears streaming down his face. “He’s fourteen! And I…I fucked him because I wanted to so badly, because it was all I could think of! Because I wanted to be the one that…that took his virginity…”
He broke down after that, unable to talk anymore from crying so hard. Kevin stood up and quickly wrapped his arms around the smaller man, holding tightly to him when Brian tried to struggle. Eventually, Brian gave up and let his cousin hold him. Never letting him go, Kevin pulled Brian back down to the couch. He rocked him gently, rubbing his back and stroking his hair, hoping in some way, he could make him feel better. Originally, he had intended to listen to Brian’s side of things and then comment on it…reproach him lightly and give advice. But it was obvious now that Brian was already beating himself up enough over this.
“I took him home today,” Brian murmured against Kevin’s chest after the worst of his sobs had subsided. He had finally let himself relax against Kevin’s warm body and give in to his embrace. He clutched tightly to the older man’s t-shirt and sighed softly. “It was so hard to say goodbye,” Brian whispered. “And he…he apologized to me! He apologized and he kissed me and told me he’d see me soon,” he said, sounding completely astounded. He could still see Nick smiling at him once more and waving goodbye when he had dropped him off. Why did it feel like that was the last time he would ever lay eyes on the boy? Besides stealing Nick’s innocence, he also figured that their friendship would be over. It certainly couldn’t be the way it was before. They had been so close and now…his heart ached with loss and regret.
It wasn’t long before Brian had fallen asleep. Kevin stayed with him for a long time, just letting him sleep in his arms while he watched TV. He didn’t want to leave him alone. But eventually, he was tired enough to want to crawl into his own bed so he carefully lay Brian down on the couch, made sure he was comfortable and covered him with a blanket. The pain that was still etched on Brian’s features made him wish, again, that there were something more he could do. He intended to watch Brian very carefully for the next couple of days. The younger man was broken enough to attempt something drastic and Kevin would do anything to prevent a tragedy.
He also wanted to talk to Nick and get his side of the story. The boy was probably feeling a little bit lost, scared and confused. All he wanted to do was protect them. He cared about them both so much and he wanted to make sure that they were happy. The idea that their friendship would suffer so much upset Kevin. He had never seen such a close pair of friends, and something told him that, maybe, with time and patience that things would work out. No one had ever seemed to be so meant for each other as they were.
A couple weeks later Kevin decided to pay Nick a visit. He felt safe enough leaving Brian alone for a while now, though he certainly didn’t plan on telling him where he was going. The past few weeks had been very hard. Brian had fallen into a deep depression that he just couldn’t break through. He was full of self-hatred and had begun to convince himself that he was truly a very bad person. The first few days after he had broken down and told Kevin everything, the older man had truly been worried for his cousin’s well being. He was nervous every time Brian went into the bathroom. Thoughts of taking every razor blade out of the medicine cabinet and hiding them had crossed his mind several times. And then, there was the alcohol. He had come home more than a few times, from the store or various job interviews to find Brian passed out on the couch with a bottle in hand. So he hid all of the alcohol in a closet in his room…although he could swear that sometimes it was out of place. But besides all that, he was just worried about Brian and what he was going through. He hardly ever smiled anymore. He was quiet and withdrawn and didn’t want to do anything. He spent his days inside, staring at the TV and his nights in his room crying or sleeping. Kevin tried several times to get him out of the apartment but it never worked. And the more time passed, the more worried he became.
So he thought that maybe if he saw Nick he could figure out a way to help Brian past his current state of depression. However, now that he was actually here, standing on Nick’s parent’s doorstep, he was unexpectedly nervous. But when Nick came to the door and smiled brightly at him, Kevin instantly felt much better. He told the teen that he and Alex were going to the beach and wanted to know if he’d come along. Nick was more than happy to agree. He really hadn’t been out of the house for the past few weeks.
Once there, Kevin and Nick decided to head straight into the water while Alex stayed on the beach to tan and, more than likely, check out girls. The water was unusually calm and allowed the two friends to float around and talk without having to fight waves and the current. Despite the few times that Nick inevitably got on Kevin’s nerves, the older man had always loved listening to Nick. He was so full of energy and always managed to make Kevin laugh. This time was no exception, and so they had an easy enough conversation until the subject that was on both of their minds could no longer be avoided. Kevin was a little surprised though when Nick brought it up first.
“Kev…how’s Brian?” He asked softly, avoiding the older man’s gaze for a few moments. Kevin noticed the change in Nick’s demeanor and wondered, not for the first time, how this whole situation had affected him. From what he had been able to tell so far, Nick appeared to be handling everything better than Brian, but he couldn’t be sure. His eyes held a hint of sadness and regret and he seemed to have become a little bit older and not so innocent. But there was nothing to indicate the anguish Brian was suffering.
“He’s ok,” Kevin lied. He didn’t want the teen feeling guilty for something that wasn’t his fault or feel like he had to interact with Brian again before he was ready.
Nick nodded solemnly and was quiet for a few minutes before asking Kevin another question. “You know…don’t you?” He asked softly, nervously, looking at Kevin and waiting for him to meet his eyes.
The older man swam closer to Nick and laid his arms on the raft that Nick was using. “Yeah I know…Brian told me,” he said, looking into the teen’s eyes. Nick looked away from him out into the ocean and sighed. “Nick, would you tell me what happened?” Kevin asked softly. “I mean I know what he told me, but…would you tell me your side of things?”
Nick nodded in response. He wanted to talk about what happened so badly and there had been no one to tell since he had been home. “Kevin, I love Brian,” he started softly, looking into the older man’s compassion-filled eyes. Nick had always been somewhat intimidated by Kevin and a little shy around him because of their age difference. But he didn’t feel that way now. Kevin’s eyes were full of patience and kindness, and Nick needed to talk about what had happened. He also wanted to see if he could find out more about Brian…more than him just being ok.
“I love him so much and I thought…I thought I was ready,” Nick said softly, his eyes shadowed by sadness. “But I never expected it to be so intense. I never thought that…it would scare me!” His voice was a whisper now, his eyes wide. “And then when it was over I…I couldn’t stop crying.” He looked away from Kevin, his cheeks flushing in embarrassment. “It was so weird…I needed him to hold me, but…but I was still afraid of his touch,” he said softly.
Almost unconsciously, Kevin touched the boy softly, laying his hand on his arm, trying to offer comfort. “Nick, it’s only natural that you were scared,” he said softly. “Everyone’s a little scared their first time.”
“I just wish that I hadn’t…told him we should be apart for a while,” Nick said sadly, his voice full of regret. “I think that I really hurt him. But I just…I needed to be by myself for a little bit and…slow down for a while.”
Kevin sighed, wishing they weren’t floating in the water so he could hug his younger friend. “It’s ok Nick,” Kevin murmured. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I think that Brian needs some time on his own too. You guys don’t have to rush anything,” he said, smiling tenderly at the teen, hoping to make him feel better.
“Is he really ok Kevin?” Nick asked after a few moments. He had been able to see how sad and upset Brian had been the day the older man had dropped him off at home. He had worried about him ever since but had been too nervous to call. Kevin looked away, debating how he should answer Nick’s question. But he wasn’t quick enough in hiding the look in his eyes. “Something’s wrong…isn’t it?” Nick whispered, his eyes wide with fear now. Was Brian upset, lonely…what? Nick was so worried that he may have hurt the one he loved most. “Kevin please tell me what’s wrong,” he asked softly, his voice trembling slightly.
Kevin sighed and met Nick’s eyes again. He was a little surprised by the amount of worry he saw in the teen’s eyes. He honestly believed that Nick loved Brian, but he never thought the depth of that love ran very far. After all, he was only fourteen. Was it really possible to find your true love so early in life? “He’ll be ok Nick, he will,” Kevin insisted, not wanting to upset Nick. “He’s been taking this a little hard though. He feels guilty and--”
“Guilty?” Nick interrupted, the worry on his face changing to hurt. Kevin cursed himself, wishing he had chosen his words more carefully.
“He’s hurting Nick,” Kevin went on slowly, trying to find the right thing to say. “And he’s scared that he rushed things too much with you…he’s just worried about how you’re taking this,” he explained. What he said was true, but it was just the tip of the iceberg. He didn’t intend to tell Nick that Brian was drinking more than he should or that he almost always cried himself to sleep. He’d never tell him the things Brian said…that he hated himself, that he thought he was a pedophile…. And Kevin certainly wasn’t about to confide his fear to Nick that for a while he had feared Brian might take his own life. The teen wouldn’t be able to handle that…and he shouldn’t have to.
“Do you think I should call him?” Nick asked softly, his eyes worried again. Kevin thought about it for a few minutes and then shook his head. Too much, too soon had been their mistake in the first place. He didn’t want them to jump back into everything again right away.
“Give him some time Nick…things will work out, ok?” He said softly, smiling warmly at his younger friend. As much as he wanted to talk to and to see Brian again, Nick still needed a little more time to himself. And he believed Kevin when he said Brian would be all right.
He and Kevin and Alex spent the rest of the afternoon together at the beach. By the time Nick got home he was feeling much better about everything with Brian. He trusted Kevin and believed him when he said that everything would work out between them. It had to…because Nick knew, even at such a young age, that he’d always be in love with Brian.
Kevin, however, was still worried about his cousin. He was relieved to know that Nick was ok; that what had happened with Brian hadn’t affected him in a bad way. But he didn’t know when, or even if, Brian would be ready to resume his relationship with Nick. Kevin knew that Brian had managed to convince himself that he was a bad person and that he didn’t deserve Nick. Neither of those things was true, but it was going to be hard to change Brian’s mind.
Three months passed and the two lovers still hadn’t spoken. Nick had tried calling a few times, but he had either left a message, that Brian always tearfully erased, or spoke with Kevin, who reluctantly lied for his cousin and said he couldn’t come to the phone.
“You’re going to have to talk to him sometime,” Kevin snapped as he hung up the phone after Nick’s latest call. He hated lying to the boy. He could always hear the hurt in Nick’s voice when he told him Brian couldn’t talk and it upset him. He was sure that Nick knew he was lying, even if he gave him no real reason to think that. Nick wasn’t stupid; he had to know that something was wrong.
But Brian couldn’t face him. No matter what he did, he couldn’t break free of his depression, of his guilt. Kevin had told him several times that Nick was fine, that their having sex hadn’t harmed him in anyway. He was just a little scared and nervous and needed some time by himself. He didn’t want Brian out of his life by any means. But Brian never listened and refused to believe him. And the part of him that did believe his cousin just told him that it was better for Nick if he stayed away anyway.
“He’s having a birthday party next weekend,” Kevin continued, sitting down across from his cousin at their small kitchen table. “He invited us both.”
“I can’t go Kevin!” Brian said quickly, sounding panicked. He stood up and walked over to the large living room window. The two of them had always joked that they had ocean view property, but really, in order to see the ocean you had to lean your head out the window and strain to see past two buildings. Now, Brian just stood there, hugging his chest and staring out at the yard of the apartment complex. Kevin stayed at the table and watched him.
“It’ll break his heart if you’re not there. You know that, don’t you?” Kevin asked wearily. He was getting so tired of having this conversation.
“It’s better for him if I stay away,” Brian said softly, swallowing hard over the lump in his throat. He hadn’t known it was even possible for someone to cry as much as he had in the past four months.
“Damn it Brian, no it’s not!” Kevin yelled, standing up and striding over to where the younger man stood. He grabbed his shoulder and forced him to turn around. “He loves you so much.”
“But it’s better if--”
“No, it’s not better if you stay away,” Kevin interrupted angrily. “Don’t you see what you’re doing? He loves you and you refuse to see him or even talk to him. You’re throwing his love back in his face every time you turn him away. I guarantee that your silence is doing him more harm than if you’d talk to him,” he said. “He thinks he’s done something wrong. He thinks you don’t want him, that you don’t care about him…you, the person he so willingly gave his heart and his virginity to. How do you think that makes him feel Brian?” Kevin asked. “You’re too involved in wallowing in your own self-pity that you’ve never even thought about what Nick really needs.”
“That’s not true,” Brian replied, his voice low, his eyes downcast. Kevin’s words made sense, but Kevin couldn’t really understand what he was going through. He didn’t know what it felt like to make love to Nick. He didn’t know how much it had hurt to hold Nick afterwards, listening to him cry and feeling him tremble. That had shattered Brian’s heart and he never wanted to go through it again.
“Yes it is,” Kevin snapped. “But you won’t admit it, or you can’t see it or…something. If you’d just talk to him you’d know he’s ok, but I know you won’t. You’re being too goddamn selfish!” Kevin turned away angrily, walked into his room and slammed the door without giving Brian a chance to answer.
“I’m sorry,” Brian whispered, not sure if he was apologizing to Kevin or Nick or both of them. He sank down on the floor where he stood and pulled his knees up to his chest. He hated feeling this way…so sad, lonely and hurt all the time, but he honestly didn’t know what he should do. What Kevin had said was wrong. He did think about what Nick needed. In fact that was all he ever thought about. He had spent all of his time, thoughts and emotions on Nick and worrying about what was best for Nick. Not for one moment had he explored his own feelings over what had happened. He had, as Kevin said, wallowed in his self-pity and self-hatred, but he had never thought about what he felt that night or what he had felt since then.
Their lovemaking had been so intense and he had never worked through his own lingering emotions from that night. All he kept thinking about was that he was older than Nick and therefore had to be the responsible one. But what he subconsciously refused to see was that he was barely grown up himself. He was only nineteen and he had never been in love before either. And the things he had felt that night with Nick had scared him too. It hadn’t just been the other way around.
Maybe he should go to Nick’s party…he had no doubt that seeing the boy again would make him feel better, at least on the immediate level. But fear and nervousness still lingered in his heart and he didn’t know if he’d be able to go through with it.
In the end, Brian didn’t go. He stayed home, locked in his room, refusing to come out when Kevin threatened him and called him ugly names. He refused to come out when Kevin pleaded with him and told him he was going to hurt Nick by staying away. He didn’t want to hurt him, but the thought of seeing the beautiful blonde again; of touching him…it terrified Brian. He didn’t know how he’d react or what he would feel, and he wasn’t strong enough to find out.
Kevin was definitely not looking forward to Nick’s party. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see the teen or celebrate his birthday. He just didn’t want to face the hurt he knew would be in Nick’s eyes when he found out Brian wouldn’t be there. Unfortunately, he didn’t have to wait long. Seconds after he rang the doorbell, the door opened to reveal a happily smiling Nick. Kevin smiled back weakly and wished Nick a happy birthday. But the boy’s smile and bright eyes faded quickly as he glanced past Kevin and saw no one else.
“He’s not coming is he?” Nick asked, his voice flat.
“Nick, I tried to get him to come, but…”
Nick said nothing in response, opting instead to turn away from Kevin. He stood very still for a few moments not doing or saying anything. Kevin bit his lip and debated on what he should do, but before he could do a thing Nick went back into his house, pushed past his mother and ran upstairs. Kevin winced when he heard a door slam upstairs and then smiled feebly at Nick’s mom. “I think I know what’s wrong Mrs. Carter,” he said softly. “I’ll go talk to him…if you don’t mind.”
She nodded and smiled. “Yes, thank you Kevin. He’s seemed a little sad these past few weeks, but when we ask, he says there’s nothing wrong. And then today, he was so happy…well, until now,” she said softly, concern etched on her face.
Slowly, Kevin walked upstairs and found Nick’s room, being that it was the only one with a closed door. Standing in front of the door, he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before knocking. “Nick…can I come in?” He asked softly. When he didn’t get an answer he opened the door slowly and peeked inside. Nick lay with his back to the door, his body curled around a pillow. Kevin could hear the boy crying softly and he wondered if he even knew he was there. Carefully he sat down on the edge of the bed and squeezed Nick’s shoulder. Neither of them said anything for a while. Kevin didn’t know what he could possibly say to make Nick feel any better.
Nick wasn’t even sure he wanted to talk to anyone. His heart was broken. There were no other words for it. He didn’t know what to do or where he was supposed to go from here. Why didn’t Brian want to see him? He loved Brian and he had believed with all of his heart that Brian loved him too. Now, for the first time since he had fallen in love, he wasn’t so sure. Brian’s kisses and touches had always been so real and so potent. Nick could feel the love behind each kiss and every touch. Had he been wrong? Maybe he had only been feeling what he wanted to. His darkest, most insecure thought had always been that Brian didn’t love him at all. That all he wanted was to sleep with Nick and then be done with him. Nick never would have really believed that before, but now it seemed it was true.
“Why does he hate me?” Nick asked, his voice soft and small. He didn’t turn around to look at Kevin, nor did he stop crying. At that moment Kevin hated his cousin with a passion. Why couldn’t Brian see what he was doing to Nick? He was breaking the boy’s tender heart and tearing his trust to pieces.
Before Kevin could answer Nick turned around, still clutching his pillow, and looked up at him with teary eyes. “Do you know what I did wrong?” He asked softly, his eyes pleading for an answer.
Kevin bit his lip and shook his head. Tears pricked at his eyes as he pulled Nick into his embrace. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said softly, stroking the boy’s hair when he started crying again.
“But why does he hate me? Why doesn’t he want to see me?” Nick cried as he clung to the older man, needing some sort of comfort, although it was more than obvious he’d rather be in Brian’s arms than in Kevin’s. Kevin didn’t have an answer for Nick’s questions. He honestly didn’t understand why Brian was behaving the way he was anymore. Why couldn’t he see that all he was doing was hurting Nick?
Nick didn’t move from Kevin’s embrace for a long time. Kevin let him cry; knowing it was what he needed, and tried his best to keep him comfortable. Eventually Nick’s tears faded and he sat up and rubbed his eyes. “He doesn’t love me…does he?” Nick asked in a soft voice. Kevin had never heard the boy sound so sad and without hope.
“Nick, he--”
“Did he ever love me?” Nick interrupted, his voice now laced with an edge of anger. “Or did he just want to sleep with me?”
Kevin couldn’t seem to form a reply, too shocked by the cynicism he heard in Nick’s voice. Nick took Kevin’s silence as an affirmation of his worst thoughts and he nodded slowly, trying to keep his lower lip from trembling. Kevin watched the teen as he stood up and ran his fingers through his hair. The look in Nick’s eyes upset him. Where was that sweet, trusting light that had always shown there? Brian had destroyed it. In the end Brian hadn’t, as he seemed to think, stolen Nick’s innocence by sleeping with him. But he had taken it now by abandoning him.
Kevin left a very solemn Nick a few hours later. The boy had gone through all the motions of happiness on his birthday, for his family and friends’ sake Kevin assumed, but the older man could see that there was nothing behind his smile.
After leaving the party, Kevin drove around for almost an hour before going home. He was so angry with Brian that he knew he couldn’t civilly face his cousin if he didn’t cool off first. As it was, when he walked in the door and found Brian waiting for him on the couch, he could barely look at him he was so angry and upset. He said nothing as he grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and then joined Brian in the living room.
Brian watched him anxiously, desperate for Kevin to say something and tell him about the party. But after almost fifteen minutes he still hadn’t said a word and Brian couldn’t resist asking. “How was the party?” He asked timidly.
“Fine,” Kevin replied shortly, not even glancing in Brian’s direction.
When Kevin didn’t elaborate on his answer Brian grew frustrated and quickly switched off the TV so he’d have Kevin’s full attention. “Kev…how’s Nick?” His voice was nervous and he wore a hopeful smile on his face.
“What do you care?” Kevin retorted.
Brian flinched at the look in his cousin’s eyes and his words. Nervously he began picking at the pillow he was holding. “I…I just--”
“Shut up Brian,” Kevin snapped. “Nick’s terrible, ok? His heart is broken. What else did you expect me to say?” Brian bit his lip and turned away from Kevin’s glare, his heart aching. Kevin got up and moved next to Brian on the couch. He grabbed his shoulder and forced the younger man to look at him. “I don’t know why the hell you wouldn’t listen to me before, but you’re going to listen to me now,” he said angrily. Brian wanted to get away. He didn’t want to hear what Kevin had to say because he didn’t think he could face it.
“He cried,” Kevin started, his voice hurt and angry. “He asked me why you hate him, what he did wrong.”
“Stop Kevin please,” Brian begged tearfully.
“No!” Kevin yelled, shaking Brian by the shoulders and forcing him to stay where he was. “You’re going to listen and see what you’ve done to him! He asked me if you really loved him…if you ever loved him at all or if you just wanted to sleep with him. Nick said that! Nick! I was shocked. He looked so…so cynical! And you did that to him!” Kevin yelled, ignoring Brian’s tears. “And it wasn’t because you slept with him Brian. It was because you abandoned him! He loves you, he gave you his virginity and then you refuse to see him. How do you think that feels?”
“I n-never wanted to…to hurt him!” Brian cried, trying to catch his breath as he choked on his sobs.
Kevin sighed and let go of his cousin’s shoulders. He shut his eyes for a moment and ran his hand through his hair. When he looked at Brian again his eyes were full of pity and compassion. “I know that Brian,” he replied, calmer now. “But you have hurt him…badly. And it’s up to you to do something about it. You have to make up your mind. Either see him and take him back or see him and tell him that it’s over. But you have to see him. He needs to know what will happen either way. Don’t you think he deserves that?”
Brian nodded, still trying to control his tears and stop shaking. Kevin sighed again as he stood up and walked away, returning moments later with a bottle of water and some tissues for his cousin. “Here…stop crying. You’ve done that enough,” he said softly. “Are you gonna be ok?” He asked a few minutes later. Brian nodded and drank down the rest of the water. “Ok…I’m going to bed then. I’m exhausted. Bri…don’t wait too long, ok?”
Brian nodded again. “I won’t.”
Brian was dreading today. It was almost a month since the day Kevin had gone to Nick’s birthday party. Brian had lived in his own hell since that day; dead, for all purposes on the inside, but now making his first real move to finally change things. He knew exactly what he had to do…and he was not looking forward to it at all.
About an hour ago he had asked Kevin to go to Nick’s house and bring him to the beach. When Brian told him why Kevin had wanted to protest, it had been written all over his face. But he knew this was Brian’s choice to make and there was nothing he could do about it.
He sat down in the sand a good distance away from the water and pulled his knees up to his chest. He was filled with an overwhelming sense of loss and regret. There was nothing he wanted more than to be able to go back and change things. He would have resisted Nick…or he would have at least tried to. More than that he wished that he could go back and change what he’d done more recently. He had been so afraid of his own feelings, so wrapped up in his own guilt and regret that he had ended up deserting Nick when he had needed him most. He knew he’d live with his regret for a very long time and there would always be a piece of his heart that would be broken.
“Brian?”
He froze at the sound of that soft voice behind him and took a deep breath. He waited a few moments before standing up, trying to compose himself but knowing nothing would prepare him for what he’d feel once he looked into Nick’s eyes again. He wanted to cry the instant he turned around. He hadn’t seen Nick in so long it was almost like he was dreaming. The boy, so beautiful, still took his breath away, yet there was a sadness in his eyes now that had never been there before.
Nick felt his lower lip start to tremble as he looked into Brian’s eyes and he knew things couldn’t end happily ever after for them. So he did the only thing he could think of to feel better, even if it was just for a moment. He stepped forward, threw his arms around Brian’s back and buried his face in his neck. Brian responded instantly and wrapped his arms tightly around the boy. Neither of them was able to prevent their tears from falling; the feeling of finally being in each other’s arms again was overwhelming.
Nick wanted to ask him why he had been avoiding him, why he had refused any contact with him. He wanted to tell him how hurt he’d been and how much he had missed him. But now wasn’t the time. He didn’t know exactly when that time would be, but he knew it wasn’t right now. For a few minutes he lost himself in Brian’s embrace, memorizing every detail of him. He shut his eyes and sighed softly, feeling Brian’s warm body pressed against his own, his arms around him and his fingers moving slowly in his hair. He shivered when he felt Brian’s lips press softly against his neck. Why wasn’t this right? Why wouldn’t it work? Nothing had ever felt so good or so right and he wanted to feel this forever.
Brian was so close to giving in. He didn’t know if he’d be able to let Nick go again. Just like before, he was falling prey to the feel of Nick’s warm body in his arms. He ran his fingers through his silky hair and breathed in the sweet scent of him. He kissed his neck absently, unable to resist. Unfortunately, Brian knew this couldn’t last and he’d have to let him go eventually. When he pulled back so he could look into Nick’s eyes, the boy wouldn’t let him go completely, so they stayed pressed together, arms around each other, looking at each other with a mixture of love and sadness.
“Nick, I asked Kevin to bring you here today because I…I had to see you again before…”
“Before what Brian?” Nick asked, reaching up and running his fingers through the older man’s curls.
The boy’s soft touch sent chills all over him and then left him with a poignant sense of regret. “Before I leave,” Brian replied softly. “I had to say goodbye.”
Nick lowered his eyes and unconsciously tightened his hold on Brian. He couldn’t honestly say he was surprised. From the moment Kevin had showed up at his door and told him Brian wanted to see him he had known things weren’t going to end happily. But he hadn’t been able to stop himself from hoping.
“Where are you going?” He asked softly, still not meeting Brian’s eyes. He couldn’t. If he looked into his eyes he’d cry and he didn’t want to cry anymore.
“New York,” Brian answered, his voice low. He ran his fingers through Nick’s hair as he continued. “I…I’ve been looking for jobs and I found one with a record company. It’s just entry-level stuff right now but hopefully I’ll be able to go somewhere with it. You know I was always more into the behind the scenes things than performing.” Nick nodded and smiled softly. They had argued good-naturedly about that a couple times. Nick had never understood Brian’s desire to be more involved with making and producing music rather than performing it.
He looked up into the older man’s eyes and smiled again. “Good luck Bri,” he said softly as he pulled him closer, once again resting his head on his shoulder. He wasn’t ready to let go.
“I couldn’t leave without seeing you. Nicky…I’m so sorry for what I’ve done and--”
Nick pulled back, pressed his finger to Brian’s lips and shook his head, stopping Brian’s apology. “Not now,” he whispered, not wanting to taint their last moments together. Somehow, in his heart, Nick knew they weren’t quite finished with each other. There’d be another time for apologies and explanations, another time to find each other again. Brian however, was desolate, not fortunate enough to be blessed with the hope Nick had. He believed that what he was doing was right. He wanted this job, this experience…and he knew Nick needed time to grow up on his own. But it hurt so badly to finally let the boy go. He knew he’d never love anyone else the way he loved Nick.
Smiling sadly he ran his fingers over Nick’s cheek and into his hair. Nick tightened his grip on Brian as the older man kissed him. Both of them shivered and sighed as the kiss deepened. It was slow and brimming with love. They tried to get as close to each other as possible, both knowing that they were going to be apart for a long time to come.
“I love you,” Nick whispered against Brian’s lips when their kiss broke.
Brian squeezed his eyes shut to prevent his tears from falling. He hugged Nick tightly again and gently kissed his neck and ear. “I love you too,” he murmured. Not willing to say goodbye just yet, the two of them sat down in the sand, their arms around each other, and leaned their heads together. They didn’t talk, knowing there wasn’t enough time to say all the things that needed to be said, and even if there was, what then? Brian was leaving and they both had to learn to start over.
A few hours later they finally said their goodbyes…not with words but with tears, kisses and hugs. Neither of them had ever had to do something quite so painful; they had to learn to live apart. But where Brian was filled with sorrow and regret, Nick held steadfastly to his hope. It was unwavering and powerful. They loved each other and Nick believed, with all of his heart, that someday the time would be right for them to be together.
Chapter 4
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