Brian was nervous as hell. He knew Nick would be at this party and he wasn’t quite sure how he was going to hide from him. Sure, it was in some huge penthouse suite so one would think there’d be plenty of places to escape notice, but he’d been to parties like this before and he always ended up running into everyone else at one point or another. That wouldn’t be so bad except…he hadn’t seen Nick in seven years. But he was rather surprised that this random party was going to be the first time they’d be in the same place, being that they moved in similar circles.
After a few years in New York Brian quickly acquired better job after better job until earning the reputation as one of the most talented and most sought-after producers in the pop-rock genre. He was thrilled with his success and he truly loved what he did now. Occasionally he would miss the thrill of performing but never enough to want to do anything about it. After that last little tour in Florida, nothing else had ever really come of them as a group. None of them had really been upset, each of them moving on to bigger and better things, and remaining friends for the most part.
When he was nineteen Nick released his first solo album and became incredibly popular and successful. He was huge, scoring one of those ever-so-important first hit singles that made him a star overnight. Surprising many who scorned the music that lingered between pop and rock, Nick’s album wasn’t only popular with legions of teenaged fans but also with adults and even critics. He won several awards that year, including a Grammy for best new artist. Brian couldn’t have been more proud. And now, a little more than two years later, Nick was still on top of it all, his second album doing just as well as the first if not better, and he had just finished up a worldwide tour.
So being that Brian produced songs and albums for many people in the same genre as Nick, it was very surprising to him that the two of them hadn’t run into each other sooner, although Brian had tried his best to avoid places he knew Nick might be.
So now, here he was in the back of a limo with some friends headed to one of the many after parties for the American Music Awards. He was petrified. Seeing Nick on stage tonight performing one of the songs he loved most had wrecked his heart enough for one evening. He had no idea how he’d react to seeing Nick up close again. For the past seven years he had managed to be content enough with his life, but ever since he had left Nick on the beach that day he had lived with a perpetual sadness that he had never really worked through. He was happy, but he was also miserable. He missed Nick…terribly. He had missed him since the day they had said goodbye seven years ago. And he was so lonely. In the past few years he had suffered through a few dates here and there and had only had one real relationship, although that had only lasted two months. No one could compare to Nick, and truthfully, Brian didn’t want anyone besides Nick.
“Let’s go Bri, we’re here.”
Brian looked over at his grinning friend, Randy, and rolled his eyes as he got out of the car. He and Randy had recently become friends after Brian had produced several of his band’s songs on their latest album. It was an odd friendship being that the two of them had absolutely nothing in common. But they made each other laugh and for whatever reason they were just drawn to each other.
Once they were inside Randy grabbed Brian by the arm, pulled him over to the nearest bar and ordered them both beers. Brian looked around nervously, scanning the area for Nick while Randy waited on their drinks. He jumped when Randy tapped him on the shoulder with his beer. He laughed and pulled Brian away from the bar, stopping every few feet to say hi to someone he knew, or wished that he knew, on his way to a somewhat private corner of the room.
“Do you see any reporters?” Randy asked as he drank down most of his beer.
Brian laughed. “You’re such a media whore,” he teased, knowing how much his friend loved being in the paper or on MTV or…anything. Some celebrities shied away from such publicity, but Randy practically sent his address and phone number to the paparazzi.
“Hey, I’m just trying to get some free publicity,” he replied, grinning at Brian. But Brian didn’t smile back; he was too busy watching the flow of people, looking for Nick. He didn’t really know what he’d do when and if he did see him…. Randy sighed and stepped in front of Brian, blocking his line of vision. “Looking for your prince?” He asked, half-teasing, half-serious.
Brian quickly shook his head and did his best to scowl at his friend. “No smart ass, I’m just looking around to see…who’s…here…” he trailed off into a whisper, his eyes widening, and his face turning pale. Before Randy could question him, Brian grabbed his friend’s arm and pulled him towards the nearest exit he could find which led them into another slightly less crowded room.
“He’s here, isn’t he?” Randy asked. “You saw him…that’s why you dragged me outta there, isn’t it?”
Brian nodded and sat down on the nearest empty couch. He had seen Nick come into the room as he looked over Randy’s shoulder, and as he thought, it was an unbelievable shock. Nick looked so beautiful. It wasn’t as if Brian hadn’t seen Nick at all in seven years. Nick had been plastered all over the media that it was inevitable Brian see him and how he’d changed. But it wasn’t the same as seeing him in person…not by a long shot. In Brian’s mind, whenever he thought of Nick, he still looked the same as he had at age fourteen. And now Nick was so different from the boy Brian had fallen in love with, but one glance at this older, grown up Nick and he fell in love all over again. He wanted to talk to him so badly, but he was so afraid….
“Why don’t you just go talk to him?” Randy asked, sitting down next to Brian on the couch. Brian had told him, several weeks ago, after a few drinks, all about his past relationship with Nick. Randy had been offering to set Brian up with one of his friends but Brian had refused. When Randy had asked why, Brian had answered with a full history of his relationship with Nick, which had ended with him in tears and with Randy a little shocked that Brian had been in a relationship with the one and only Nick Carter.
“It’s not that simple Randy,” Brian said softly, looking around nervously. “I haven’t seen him in seven years and--”
“So? He hasn’t seen you in seven years either,” he pointed out. “And it’s not like you guys parted on really bad terms. I mean, you told me what all happened, but when you left…well it didn’t sound like you guys split up angrily or anything.”
“We didn’t, but--”
“Then go talk to him!” Randy urged, smiling.
Brian smiled back and shook his head at Randy’s insistent nature. “I’ll try,” he said softly.
Randy smiled back happily and stood up. “I’m gonna go get some more beer, find a girl…and hopefully someone with a camera. I’ll bump into you in a little while Bri, ok?”
Brian nodded and smiled at him. He was a little relieved to be left alone with his thoughts for a while, but at the same time, he wanted Randy to stay there with him as a shield…someone he could hide behind. He stayed where he was for a few more minutes, wondering what he should do. Everything inside of him was begging to stay and find Nick…talk to him, smile at him, maybe even touch him. It had been so long and Brian was so tired of not seeing him. After all this time he was still in love with Nick. His Nick. The boy he loved was now the man he knew he could love if he had the chance. But he was also afraid. What if Nick didn’t even want to see him? After all, Brian was sure Nick had at least heard his name mentioned a few times in the past couple years. He had to know what he was up to, yet he had never made an effort to seek him out. He was either as nervous of seeing Brian again as Brian was of seeing him…or he just didn’t care. If that was the case, Brian didn’t want to make a fool of himself by trying to get Nick’s attention…and he didn’t want his heart broken again either.
Sighing, he stood up to leave that particular room, still not sure what he should do. Slowly, he walked from room to room, always carefully looking around him for Nick, and talking to a few people along the way. He finally came across a room with only a few other people in it and that was relatively quiet. After getting a drink from the small bar in the room, he thought about taking the ultimate risk and go looking for Nick. He needed to see him…more than that; he needed to talk with him. It had been too long and he couldn’t let this opportunity go by without taking advantage. But when he turned around from the bar his world wobbled and he felt his heart expand in his chest.
“Nick…” he said softly, staring into the blue eyes he hadn’t gazed upon in so long. They were a few feet apart from one another, eyes locked, both of them looking nervous.
“Hello Brian,” Nick murmured, a faint blush on his cheeks, his eyes full of honest emotion. He was a little bit shocked to see his long lost love; Brian could see that easily. His heart was in his eyes, full of hope and anxiousness…but there was no trace of the bitterness Brian had feared. “I…I didn’t know you’d be here,” Nick went on softly, fumbling, just a little bit, over his words. It was true. He honestly had no idea that Brian would be at this party. He had hoped, just like all the other nights there was a chance they could be at the same place at the same time, but he hadn’t really expected his wish to come true.
Over the years he had followed Brian’s success quietly. At first through Kevin, but then when he had become so successful himself, he had learned just how well Brian had done for himself. He was happy. He loved knowing that Brian was living his dream and doing such a good job at it.
As for himself, no one had been more surprised than Nick that he had become such a star. He believed in himself and in his talent, but he had never dreamed he’d be where he was today. There were times when he had been tempted to use that star power to get to Brian. He knew he could. He could set up a meeting, find him at a party, show up at a studio, or something. But he never had. He had never lost his hope, and he firmly believed that someday, something would bring them back together.
“I knew you’d be here,” Brian replied softly, a shy smile on his lips, his eyes warm. Nick smiled back, which caused Brian’s heart to jump erratically in his chest. He looked so different and yet so the same. His eyes hadn’t changed at all. They still radiated innocence, warmth and love. Brian couldn’t help quickly glancing up and down Nick’s body. He wanted nothing more than to lose himself in the younger man’s arms. He smiled inwardly, loving the fact that Nick was taller than him now, bigger…and still so beautiful. And it was a relief to him as he realized that he found Nick just as attractive now as he had seven years ago, if not more so.
“I’ve missed you,” Nick said softly. He hadn’t meant to start out this way, but there was no avoiding it. Seeing Brian like this…not being able to prepare for it had really caught him off guard. Now wasn’t the time to fall apart or even to have a long talk that both of them needed. But his emotions were swirling around in his heart, making it hard for him to breathe let alone think and act rationally. As he looked into the older man’s eyes his smile faltered and he swallowed hard to prevent himself from crying. Without thinking about it, he stepped forward and reached out a trembling hand to touch Brian’s arm.
Brian bit his lip and jumped slightly as Nick touched him. His heart was beating so fast and the chills he felt throughout his body were making him shake. Nick shook his head and smiled sadly and Brian closed his eyes. Without really knowing how it happened they were suddenly pressed together, wrapped in each other’s arms, drinking in the scent and the feel of one another, and then, everything else disappeared.
“Missed you,” Brian whispered back, tightening his arms around Nick’s waist and nuzzling his head against his chest.
“We really can’t do this now,” Nick murmured as he laid his head comfortably on the older man’s shoulder.
“I know,” Brian replied, making no move to leave Nick’s comforting embrace. They had so much they needed to say to one another. Nick needed answers to some very old questions; Brian needed Nick’s forgiveness. Nick couldn’t describe the warmth that was filling him now. It was magnified so much from what he had felt as a teenager. The feelings didn’t scare him now, and there was nothing he wanted more than to have Brian back. And Brian, for the first time in so long, felt a flicker of hope again. Maybe he could find a happily ever after. He wanted and needed Nick’s forgiveness and, given the chance, he wanted to make it all up to him…to love him again.
The two of them reluctantly broke their embrace when they heard a few more people begin to come into the room. Among them were two giggling girls, obviously inebriated and being a little more than friendly with each other. One of them was a rather well known pop star who would’ve made tabloid headlines for her current behavior. The other, both Nick and Brian knew. But while Nick smiled at her and shook his head, Brian hid his eyes and moved slightly away from Nick. In his nervousness and excitement, he had forgotten all about her…Nick’s girlfriend.
Nick and Keira were everyone’s favorite celebrity couple. Always smiling, always happy, always willing to be interviewed…the perfect match. Him, the famous pop star, her, the wealthy hotel chain heiress. But what no one really knew, including Brian, was that they weren’t really a couple at all…not in the traditional sense anyway.
Since the start of his career Nick had made no secret of his bisexuality to the press, to his fans, or anyone else, and it hadn’t hindered him in any way. And Keira, though only a few knew it, was one boyfriend short of being a lesbian. Nick loved her, and she was probably his best friend. But he wasn’t in love with her; he never had been.
Brian hated her. He’d hated her from the moment he’d seen the first picture of her and Nick together in a tabloid. Jealousy didn’t suit him well, so he had always tried his best to avoid any mention of her at all.
“I’ll be right back Bri,” Nick said, his whole face a smile, his eyes bright and beautiful. Brian felt his heart ache as he watched Nick walk over to his girlfriend. Of course Nick was in love with her; he couldn’t stop smiling. Brian felt his hope slip away again to where he couldn’t reach it. But what Brian didn’t realize was that Nick’s bright smile was for him…not for Keira.
“Babe…we just got here like an hour ago. How are you drunk already?” He asked, sounding amused. He was happy because he knew she was finally happy. She had finally told her family she was gay and knowing Keira, it was only a matter of time before the world knew. She had told Nick just last night, after the confrontation with her family, that it was because of him. He had set her free and given her the courage to face the truth. She’d never forget that.
When they had first met, Keira had been a bitch of a girl, always on everyone’s last nerve, always ready to pick a fight or cause a scene…stereotypical rich girl. But after getting to know her better, which hadn’t been easy, Nick had seen how hurt and confused she was under her act. Their friendship had grown quickly from there and eventually had turned into more. It had been Keira’s idea for the two of them to be a couple. She wanted her family out of her hair about getting a boyfriend, and Nick wasn’t looking for a serious relationship…or even a real one. And they needed one another, but Nick was always the stronger one. He helped her through her confusion over her sexuality, because he knew what that felt like. She listened to him when he talked about Brian and their past and tried her best to comfort him when his hope faltered occasionally.
Keira giggled and pulled her pretty, bubbly pop star friend closer. “Yeah, but we had drinks in the limo on the way over too,” she said, smiling and sounding proud of herself. “You weren’t paying attention!” She slurred, erupting into another fit of giggles. Actually, he hadn’t been paying attention because watching Keira make out with her latest girl fling in the limo would have gotten him way too hot and hard. He then would have spent the rest of the party trying to think of a way to get the two girls into some secluded spot where they could have some fun.
He and Keira, thought not technically lovers, had never been shy in denying their attraction to each other or to each other’s lifestyle. They’d had sex more than a few times, but they were truly able to separate sex and love and it had never been a problem for them. And despite Keira’s main attraction to women, she was wildly attracted to Nick and was always telling him he was too good looking for his own good and if he wasn’t careful he was going to turn all lesbians straight and all straight men gay. Nick hated her compliments because they always made him blush…and that was exactly why she gave them.
“Sweetie, try not to get too loaded ok? I…I need to talk to you later,” he said, his eyes becoming serious for a moment. It was time to end their faux relationship and he wanted to do it tonight. She caught the look in his eyes, nodded and gave him a quick kiss. He shivered as he licked his lips and pulled back. She smiled at his blushing expression, knowing he could taste the both her and the sexy blonde pop princess on his lips now.
Brian watched all this from across the room with a look of sadness and resignation in his eyes. “Hey B, whatcha up to?” Randy asked, back from another room, looking for a new girl now, having lost the last one after a nice make out session. It took Brian a moment to acknowledge his friend and when Randy followed Brian’s gaze, he saw the reason for his friend’s grave expression. “What happened Brian?” He asked softly, suddenly concerned that Nick may have rejected him.
“Nothing,” Brian replied softly, shaking his head and looking away. “I just forgot that he….”
Randy looked back and forth between his friend and Nick. When he looked in Nick’s direction he noticed the two beautiful girls he was with and suddenly understood Brian’s sadness. Not one to follow the sagas of celebrity couples, he hadn’t remembered Nick’s girlfriend either. But he recognized her from the magazines he always scoured for his own picture. He looked back at Brian sympathetically and squeezed his shoulder. Brian looked up at him and after a few moments smiled. He knew Randy didn’t deal well with sadness. Not that he didn’t care, he just felt awkward in situations like these.
“Randy, would you get me a beer?” Brian asked, relieving his friend who smiled brightly at him and nodded. He was happy to be able to help Brian without having to have any sort of discussion.
Once Randy was gone Brian looked over at Nick again and caught him staring. He smiled automatically and swallowed nervously when Nick came back over to where he was standing. Without thinking Nick reached out to Brian and ran his fingers through his soft curls as he smiled at him. Brian could barely breathe and it took everything he had to keep from visibly shivering.
“You still live in New York right Bri?” Nick asked softly, wanting nothing more than to hug Brian again.
“I do, but I’m moving in two weeks. I love it here, but I miss home,” he said, smiling up at the younger man.
“So you’re going back to Florida?”
Brian nodded. “Yeah, I figure I’m good enough now to have people come to me when they want something produced,” he said, grinning. Nick laughed and Brian felt his heart do flip-flops.
“Listen Bri, I need to talk to you…but I have some things to do first that I can’t get out of. I’m coming down to Florida to visit my family in about two weeks, so…can I come see you then?” He asked, sounding hopeful, his fingers still moving idly in Brian’s hair. Brian sighed and nodded, already falling under Nick’s spell again. There were so many things he wanted to say to Nick, but he had no idea what Nick wanted to say to him.
“Good,” Nick replied, smiling softly. He wanted to have this conversation now. He wanted to tell Brian he still loved him, that he always had, and that he wanted to try things again. Besides that, he needed to get answers from the older man. He needed to know exactly why Brian had pushed him away seven years ago. If he could, he’d pull Brian away from the party right now and take him back to his apartment. They could talk for however long they needed and then fall asleep together…
Sighing, Nick forced himself out of his thoughts and stepped back from the older man. “Well, I guess I should go find Keira and see what she’s up to…” he said, noticing his girlfriend and her friend had disappeared. Brian nodded and smiled tenderly at him.
“I’ll see you in a few weeks then?” Brian asked, glancing over at Randy who he saw had returned with his beer.
Nick followed his gaze and couldn’t help being struck with a small stab of jealousy. He had no idea who that guy was but he seemed to be friends or…something, with Brian. He knew he had no right to interfere, but he hoped that they were friends and friends only. “Yeah…I’ll get your new address from Kevin. I…Brian, there’s so much we need to talk about,” he said softly, lowering his eyes.
Brian reached out and squeezed Nick’s upper arm. “I know Nick…” he whispered, wanting nothing more than to lean forward and kiss the blonde. But even if by some miracle, there was a chance for them to be together again, he didn’t plan on rushing anything this time.
After they said their goodbyes, Randy brought Brian his beer and smiled curiously at him. “So…how’d it go?”
Brian smiled and took a sip from the bottle. “He’s coming to visit me in Florida in like two weeks…we’re gonna talk then. I’m not exactly sure what to expect from him, but…I hope we can make things work,” he said softly, a hint of fear mixed with the tone of hopefulness in his voice. Nick wanted to talk, yes, but that didn’t mean he had any intentions of wanting to start a relationship with him again. Brian was as unsure as ever, but he was anxious to finally, after seven long years, talk to Nick again, and maybe, even if it was just friendship, work things out.
~*~*~
He’d been back in Florida for about a week and hadn’t heard anything from Nick. He knew he was being impatient, but he couldn’t help worrying. Why hadn’t Nick called him yet? Why hadn’t he come to visit like he had said he would? Maybe Nick had thought it over and had decided against seeing Brian in the end. After all, he didn’t owe him anything.
When Kevin received a phone call from Nick almost two weeks after Brian had moved back to Florida, he smiled, and as always, greeted him warmly. Over the years, Nick and Kevin had kept in close contact, even after Nick had moved away to New York and had become a rich and famous celebrity. Nick looked upon Kevin as his older brother, the person he could talk to about anything and who would always be there for him. He knew he could always count on Kevin to help him through anything. Kevin too, treasured their friendship. He was incredibly proud of Nick and everything he had accomplished, and the fact that, through it all, he hadn’t changed. He was still the same, sweet, talented young teenager Kevin had met so many years ago.
A conversation with Nick almost always inevitably led to at least some mention of Brian. Nick would ask how he was doing, what he was up to…simple questions that never really got to the heart of what Nick was feeling. And Kevin knew very well, that Nick could find out all of those things for himself…after all he and Brian were both part of the same crowd of people. But Kevin knew Nick would sometimes avoid Brian on purpose because he wasn’t ready to see him again. This conversation was no different. But to Kevin’s surprise, Nick told him that he and Brian had met up and talked a few weeks ago in New York.
Brian hadn’t mentioned that to him when he had moved back to Florida, which Kevin found a bit odd. Brian knew that Kevin and Nick had remained close long after he and Nick had ceased to be a part of each other’s lives, and he had always asked Kevin how Nick was doing as often as possible.
“Kev…we agreed that we’d meet again once I came down to Florida so that the two of us could talk. I mean, really talk…we didn’t get the chance since we were at a party. I just need you to tell me where he lives now,” Nick said softly, sounding surprisingly shy.
Kevin smiled to himself, wondering if, after all this time, the two of them could work things out. He knew, from staying so close them, how much they both still loved one another. But time, distance and the past had always kept them apart. “Sure Nick, no problem, but what--”
“No Kevin,” Nick interrupted, laughing. “I’m not saying anything to you until I talk to Brian. And don’t whine,” he went on quickly when Kevin tried to cut in. “This is too important,” he said softly, serious now.
Kevin smiled again, suddenly hoping very much that Brian and Nick could find their way back to each other. They both deserved to be happy. “I know it is Nick. When were you planning to go see him?”
“Now,” Nick answered quickly. He had only been back in Florida for a day, but was already impatient. As it was, he had told Brian he’d be there in two weeks, and now it was almost four. “I’ve been waiting for this day for seven years Kev. I really don’t want to wait any longer.”
~*~*~
Following Kevin’s directions, Nick was at Brian’s new home in about a half hour. It was a gorgeous house; big but not overly audacious, secluded, and set on the beach. It was exactly the kind of house Nick could see himself living in. He took his time walking up to the front door, admiring the lands and nervously preparing himself for everything that was to come. It was like their brief meeting in New York had never taken place. This was the first time he was seeing Brian again in seven years. And they would finally, finally be able to discuss everything that had happened between them.
He knocked and nervously shifted back and forth from foot to foot as he ran his hands through his hair. After the longest minute of Nick’s life, Brian opened the door and smiled softly at him.
Even though Nick had asked Kevin not to, the older man had taken it upon himself to call Brian shortly after Nick’s phone call and tell Brian that Nick was coming to see him. Kevin knew his cousin, and knew it would be better all around if Brian could be somewhat prepared.
“Hi,” Nick said shyly, his voice soft. He was mortified when he felt himself blushing.
“Come inside Nick,” Brian said softly, unable to stop smiling. Seeing Nick so nervous reminded him so much of the Nick he had fallen in love with.
They couldn’t jump into things right away. Sure it had been seven years, but they were both too nervous to start that particular conversation immediately. So Brian gave Nick a tour of his house first, then they talked about the high points of their careers, and Nick asked Brian to help him produce the new album he intended to start working on after a few months break. But once the two of them had something to drink and were settled on some deck chairs the things they needed to talk about could no longer be avoided. The tension between them had been building since Nick had knocked on his door.
Sighing, Nick set down his glass of iced tea and decided he’d be the one to make the first move. Looking over at his friend, he was struck at how beautiful Brian was to him, how beautiful he’d always been. Needing to be closer to him, Nick moved his chair so that they were side by side. “We both know why I came here,” he said softly, trying to smile when Brian met his eyes.
Brian nodded and swallowed hard, the nerves he had been feeling all day once again rose to the surface making his heart beat faster in anticipation. This is what he had both yearned for and feared for a very long time. “I know,” Brian answered in a soft voice.
There was really no other way for Nick to start this conversation than to just ask the question that had lingered in the back of his mind for seven years. “Why did you abandon me?”
Brian couldn’t answer him right away; too struck by the sadness he saw surfacing in Nick’s blue eyes. He knew what he wanted to tell Nick, but it was hard to start and to finally say everything out loud. He jumped slightly when he felt Nick cover his hand with his own.
“Take your time Brian,” he said softly. “Just know that I’m not angry with you,” he went on. “And I never was.”
Brian smiled weakly at the younger man, appreciating his encouragement. “I think I’ve always known that,” he whispered as his smile slowly faded. “But I know I’ve hurt you.” Nick nodded in response, his eyes sad again. But he didn’t let go of Brian’s hand, knowing they both needed the touch.
“I was scared Nick,” Brian began, turning his hand so he could link their fingers. He stared at their hands, unwilling to meet Nick’s eyes right now. “After we…made love and you cried, I…I felt so terrible, so…guilty,” he whispered. Nick winced, feeling a twinge of pain in his heart. That was what he had always feared.
Absently, Brian ran his fingertips over Nick’s, sensing his distress. “Nick, I know that what we did scared you then, but…I know that…well, Kevin told me you ended up being fine. That you just needed some time to think things over…” Nick nodded and squeezed Brian’s hand. “But I was terrified,” he went on, looking up and meeting the blonde’s eyes again. “I couldn’t get past my guilt or my regret. They swallowed me up. I started to convince myself that I was a bad person,” he said, his voice full of distress now, his lower lip starting to tremble. Nick’s heart ached with desire to hold the older man in his arms. He could see the sorrow in Brian’s eyes and he wanted nothing more than to take it away.
“I felt that if I saw you, I would only do you harm. You were…God, you were only fourteen!” Brian exclaimed, his voice breaking in pain, tears forming in his eyes. “I loved you so much, but I was petrified by my attraction to you.” Nick began to shake his head softly, knowing exactly what Brian was going to say now, and what he had been feeling then. “Nick, sometimes I felt like…like a…pedophile,” he cried, the last word sounding dirty on his lips. It was what had always kept him inside, cowering in his room, trying to make the fear of that word go away. And it was worse because it cheapened their love and made it seem wrong. But love had found them then, and hadn’t let them go, and it was neither of their faults that they had given in at such a young age. Love was a hard thing to resist.
No longer able to look into Nick’s eyes, Brian broke away from his touch and stood up. He walked over to the edge of his deck, leaned his elbows against the railing, and dropped his head in his hands. Unmoving, Nick watched him for a few minutes, biting on his lower lip and blinking furiously to prevent any tears from escaping. He couldn’t believe Brian had harbored all of this pain for so long. While he had lived for seven years wondering what had gone wrong and always hopeful that someday they’d be back together, Brian had been suffering, tortured by an unjust guilt. But Nick understood. He knew why Brian had pushed him away. He had done it, believing he was doing what was right for Nick. And maybe in the end, it had been right for him. Would he be the same person he was today if he and Brian had stayed together? Most likely not. When he had been with Brian, he hadn’t had to do things on his own. Brian had always been there to protect and shelter him. He had needed to grow up on his own and find out exactly who he was before he could give himself to someone else. That didn’t make this any easier though.
Slowly, he stood up and walked over to where Brian was standing. Not needing to think about what he was doing, just knowing it was right; Nick pressed himself against Brian’s back and wrapped his arms around his waist. Brian tensed briefly, but Nick only tightened his grip and nuzzled his head against the older man’s neck, causing Brian to relax against him. He shut his eyes and let himself fall back into Nick’s embrace.
“It took me so long to be able to fall asleep without hearing you crying every time I shut my eyes,” Brian whispered. Nick squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the pain in Brian’s words, and pressed his lips to the older man’s neck. “I’m sorry that I hurt you though Nicky,” he went on, covering Nick’s hands with his own. “Kevin told me that I made you think I didn’t love you…that was never true. I always loved you.” He stopped for a minute and debated his next move. It might be the right thing to do and it might not, but his heart wouldn’t let him stay silent. “I still love you Nick,” he whispered, turning his head slightly to look into the younger man’s eyes.
“I love you too Brian,” Nick whispered, only a heartbeat behind the older man’s words. He smiled tenderly at Brian’s surprised expression and turned him around in his arms. He slipped his hands onto either side of the older man’s face and let his fingers caress his neck and cheeks. “I’ve waited so long to say that to you again. I never stopped loving you. I couldn’t…it’s hard to let go when it’s true love,” he said softly. Before Brian’s brain could make sense of or interrupt the situation, Nick kissed him and all thoughts fled his mind.
Their kiss was slow and warm. They savored the feel of one another’s soft lips before moving any further. After a while, Nick nibbled gently on Brian’s lower lip and slid his tongue over the smooth flesh. Brian slid an arm around Nick’s waist and pushed his other hand into the silky blonde hair he hadn’t touched in so long. When he opened his mouth, Nick’s tongue slid inside and tasted him. They both whimpered softly and struggled to get closer. Their tongues tangled and slid hotly over one another, taking and giving, exploring and devouring. The kiss grew deeper and more frantic, both of them starved for each other after a very long seven years. But eventually they came up for air, panting against each other’s lips; foreheads pressed together, fingers moving softly over their bodies.
“So are our seven years of separation over?” Nick asked softly, nipping gently at Brian’s lips and weaving his fingers through his hair.
Brian nodded and kissed him again. “Too long Nicky,” he murmured. “I never want to be apart from you again.”
It didn’t occur to either of them that they might be rushing things. How could it? They had waited seven years to be together again…there was no point in waiting any more time just for the sake of waiting. But hours later, after making love and talking and making love again, Brian suddenly realized something he had forgotten to ask before.
They were curled up in each other’s arms on Brian’s couch, having come downstairs about a half hour ago, desperate for something to eat. After some left over pizza and a shared bowl of ice cream, they were both content again to just snuggle together beneath a light blanket and savor each other’s touch. Making love again, this time, after so long…it only proved that they were doing the right thing by not waiting. It was still as intense, powerful and frightening as it had been the first time, but they were both ready to handle it now. And in being able to get past the fearful part that came when they could no longer feel themselves individually but only together, they were able to see just how strong and how good their love was.
“Nicky…what about your girlfriend?” Brian asked lazily. He was curious but something told him not to be worried. “Keira, right?”
Nick nodded and kissed Brian’s shoulder. “We’re not a couple anymore. We never really were.” He laughed at Brian’s confused expression and kissed the tip of his nose. “With the exception of me, Keira is such a lesbian,” he explained, attempting to sound modest and failing miserably.
Brian laughed and crawled on top of Nick, into his lap. “Well, no one could ever resist you,” he teased. But after he kissed Nick deeply again he whispered, “I can’t.”
Nick shivered at the tone in his voice and kissed him again, knowing it wouldn’t be much longer before he’d want to make love to Brian again. “I love Keira; she’s like my best friend. I helped her through some hard stuff and she was always there for me when I needed her. We uh…we did have sex, but our being a couple was always a charade for her family and for the media.” Brian giggled happily and kissed Nick warmly on the cheek. “Well what about you?” Nick asked, wanting to clear everything while they were talking.
Brian cocked his head to the side in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Nick poked Brian in the ribs and rolled his eyes. “Don’t be dumb…what about that guy you were with at the party in New York?” He asked, raising his eyebrow suspiciously.
Brian continued to look confused for a few moments until it dawned on him who Nick could be talking about…then he started to laugh. “Who Randy?!” He exclaimed. He shook his head at Nick’s confused look and kissed the blonde on the lips. “No baby…Randy is just a friend. I helped produce his band’s last album. We…trust me Nick, Randy and I were never anything more than friends,” he said, trying to sound serious but unable to stop giggling because the idea of he and Randy in a relationship was very laughable. “But seriously Nicky…I’ve had a few relationships here and there over the years, but nothing was ever serious. Nothing ever could be…it was always you,” he finished in a whisper, kissing the younger man tenderly and pulling him closer.
After making love again, the two of them fell asleep on the couch, locked tightly in each other’s arms. Neither of them were really very comfortable physically, cramped on the couch, but there was no where else they’d rather be than pressed tightly together, limbs tangled, and breathing each other’s breath as they slept.
The next morning Brian called Kevin and invited him over, wanting him to be the first to know of their newfound relationship. He was, as they had expected, thrilled. He had always been there for both of them and nothing made him happier than seeing them where they belonged.
Together.
No more obstacles, no more regrets.
Back to Chapter 3
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