Got God?

Below is a story related to me via email by a guy using the pseudonym "Reaper". I just felt it would be fun to share other folks' unhappy experiences with the bad kinds of Christians.
Let me first say that it will be I who will take over the world, not you. ] Okay, that said, I have to say that I agree with you. Especially here in God-fearin Nevada ( Gambling, prostitutes, and JESUS!) If you want some more examples to put on your page, I got a few: Once, when I was a wee lad, I used to go to the church around here. One day, the leader of our Sunday School class Valerie Stanley ( Oops, I said her name. Damn.) hosted a party for all of us. Well, part of the party was a scavenger hunt. I went on it but got lost ( I was SUCH a wuss!). Thankfully, I remembered that I could call Mom, and she said she'd come and get me. So, I got back and told her that I wanted to call my mom. " Why?" She asked. " Because my asthma's acting up." I lied. " I don't believe you, you're lying." She said. So I confessed. I said " Yeah, I'm lying. I just want to go home." Well, Valerie, who's always on some sort of Jihad or something, began trying to EXORCISE me! She began yelling " Out Satan! Get out of this young man's body!" The more I told her that she was scaring me, the louder she screamed. So, finally, I relented and said " Okay, fine, I'll stay." Here's another one: In Biology class last year, I was in a group of about two or three other people. Two of these people went to Youth Group. Well, one day I was talking about the Division Theory ( A really cool after-death theory) and they began bad-mouthing it. So I said to myself " Hey, this'll be fun!" So I told 'em that it said so right there in Ecclesiastics. And, I swear, they whipped out these tiny little bibles and began looking through it! I mean, it was coordinated and everything!

Hi!
OK, I thought I'd share this one with you if you want to put it up or even just to laugh (I do plan to put it on my page some time in the future.) My friend Jacob's parents are Christians to the point of scariness. Now, here I should stop and put in the fact that Jacob is gay, a wiccan, and not at all miserable about being so.. until his parents start in. They threw away all his wicca books, his new age CDs, anything you can think of that they might find "ungodly." His mother made "holy oil" with some cooking oil she had sitting around in their kitchen and sprinkled his things with it. But it gets better: they had him excorcised. Four times. They wouldn't let him drive his car. He was grounded pretty much until he became "ungay." And they showered presents on their "good" daughter (for example: a $2000 neclace. What 16-year old needs a $2000 neclace?!) Her punishment for getting bad grades (ie a non-C GPA) would be to go to public school instead of her ultra- religious private school, where she takes bible classes, tennis, and mabye an English class if she's feeling ambitious. Jacob is told constantly that he is going to hell. But it gets better! One day, during lunch, Jacob had several friends, one being me, over to chill. Just us, the rest of the house was empty. So he made a joke about his sister having so many clothes (lots of church and youth group t-shirts in that closet, btw) and showed us her room. No biggie. We leave, go back to school. Next day, his stepfather calls my house, asks me if there's anything I want to tell him (Yeah! You're an asshole!) and of course I say no, because I have no clue what he's talking about. He then proceeds to accuse my friend Patrice and I of stealing his precious spoiled daughter's expensive gold earrings! They even call the police and make them come over and take a report and all that crap. The silly little bitch probably left them in the locker room or some shit after tennis class. Now, here's the kicker. Patrice doesn't even have peirced ears. And I only wear silver. I hate these people. Hopefully Jacob has moved out by now.

Amanda the salamander

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity? ___ Newspaper ___ Bible ___ Torah ___ Book of Mormon ___ Koran ___ Divine inspiration ___ Dead Sea Scrolls ___ My mama done tol' me ___ Near-death experience ___ Near-life experience ___ National Public Radio ___ Tabloid ___ Burning shrubbery ___ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model Deity did you acquire? ___ Yahweh ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] ___ Jehovah ___ Jesus ___ Krishna ___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] ___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] ___ Allah ___ Satan ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature ___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer) ___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin) ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god ___ Other. Specify:____________ 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? ___ Yes ___ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: ___ Not eternal ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos ___ Not omniscient ___ Not omnipotent ___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) ___ Permits sex outside of marriage ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms) ___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched ___ Requires burnt offerings ___ Requires virgin sacrifices ___ Plays dice with the universe 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply. ___ Indoctrinated by parents ___ Needed a reason to live ___ Indoctrinated by society ___ Needed focus in whom to despise ___ Imaginary friend grew up ___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy ___ Hate to think for myself ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys ___ Fear of death ___ Wanted to piss off parents ___ Needed a day away from work ___ Desperate need for certainty ___ Like organ music ___ Need to feel morally superior ___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. ___ Mick Jagger ___ Rajanish ___ Baal ___ The almighty dollar ___ Bill Gates ___ Left-wing liberalism ___ The radical right ___ Ra ___ Beelzebub ___ Barney T.B.P.D. ___ The Great Spirit ___ The Great Pumpkin ___ The sun ___ Elvis ___ Cindy Crawford ___ The moon ___ TV news ___ Burning shrubbery ___ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, drugs, rock and roll __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton __ Tea leaves __ EST __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Human sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering in a desert __ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife Other:___________ 7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More divine intervention b. Less divine intervention c. Current level of divine intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's divine intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): Disasters: flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 Miracles: rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of beings entered). -- Golgi Apparatus.

An e-mail discussion on Electric Sheep:

Braz: The Saturnalia piece doesn't do it for me because it's religious propoganda. Its a one-sided portrayal of a difference in points of view that shows one side as smart, cool, polite, friendly, and attractive (the good guys) and the other as misguided, unattractive, arrogant, and stupid.

Kel: I can't argue with that but I don't completely agree with your other points. See below.

Dave: I won't argue with that, but as a former Protestant, a former Mormon, and a child of a Catholic family with Jews married in, I will point out that it's no different than the one-sided portrayals that are quite often found from their end of the religious spectrum as well. Does that make any of them any more right for doing so? Nope.

And yeah, I know you pointed this out earlier guys, but you did invite me to come drop my two pence worth...

Kel:(snip) The church lady (LOL!) went away not thinking of converting, but with some nagging doubt that maybe, just MAYBE, there was something appealing on a personal level for her about this ritual and these believes. She didn't abandon her Christian ways and did not agree with "us". She just had her mind opened a little. That's my opinion, anyway.

Dave: Personally, I think she had a bit too much alcohol mixed into her eggnog, maybe a drop of acid or two thrown in for her to have such visions...

Kel:(snip) But it's similar in my opinion to a homosexual issue, where society kinda wants it hidden. Sorta society saying "sure you're allowed to be gay/pagan but don't let us see it!" I don't think that's right either.

Dave: Knowing y'all are much more tolerant up north, I just want to point out that while the US Constitution protects my right to believe what I'd like, the general populace here, nearly all from one end of the spectrum, and still quite a few from the liberal spectrum as well, would rather be rid of pagans, and gays, than have them just stay on the down-low.

Braz: We can't compare real-life Christians and comicstrip Pagans Kel! In the Christian propoganda comics the Christians are always portrayed as accepting and unconditionally loving towards the "sinners" and never push their beliefs.

Dave: By creating such a comic, regardless of which religious group is doing it, they are pushing their beliefs. If the comic/propaganda were circulated ONLY within the confines of the congregation I would agree it is not pushing their beliefs, but the minute they wake me up on Saturday morning to hand me a Watchtower, the minute they post such a strip on the internet where everyone can see it, they're pushing their beliefs.

Braz: ((Points enumerated by Dave for easy reference)) The characters in the comic did respect freedom of religious expression, (1)but putting a huge religious icon on your roof top, (2)offering people penis-shaped cookies, (3)and having ritual sex in your back yard (4)(which as any urban or surburban dweller knows is far from private) is about as in-your-face as you can get. (5) But my point was not to suggest that the characters in the story were disrespectful of other belief systems, I am saying that the creators of the comic, through the underlying themes and images of the comic, are portraying a one-sided story that does not show respect for the "other" beliefs. (snip bit about how unselfrighteous and open minded Braz is)

Dave: Coming from the viewpoint I do (wife is pagan, I suppose I am too, but don't identify with any group, as I mix them together to form a gestalt appealing to my beliefs) I have to chime in now and say that I *SERIOUSLY* doubt this comic was done up by a true pagan. In this day and age no sane pagan would place such a comic up in any serious context (noted that Jay has pointed out he believes it isn't meant to be taken as such). Certain things lend credence to this. Now on to the enumerated points:

(1) Stars of David, Nativity Scenes, and yes, even Santa are just as guilty of pushing religious beliefs on anyone with the ability of seeing them. There is no guilty party here (save all the nice Eastern religions that don't celebrate their rituals as rakishly as we do); however, A. No sane pagan in this day and age would put such an icon up on their roof, for reasons much more dangerous to their livelihoods than legal implications due to the "obscene/pornographic" nature of a horned god idol. I challenge any of you to place a bumper sticker labeled "Born Again Pagan" on your car, drive through a US state or two, and see how long you go without 1- someone deliberately rear-ending you, 2- someone vandalizing your car, or 3- someone physically assaulting you. With things as small as that proving so dangerous to pagans in Christian nations, the whole idol on the roof bit is rather laughable. One reason I doubt this strip was actually created by a Pagan.

(2) We don't cook penis shaped cookies. Reason #2 comic wasn't pagan scripted. A pagan altar is filled with enough phallic symbols (both the wand and the sword, and the priest/priestess's athame), that there really is no point to baking something that even pagans would find more than a little lewd.

(3)Well, that could happen. Though they'd risk the violence annotated in point (1) above. Adding to this however, I want to toss in on the concept of child safdety now, rather than further on. EVERY pagan religious text I've read (and we have a reasonably extensive library), even the ones *I* hate (part of the reason I'm not a pagan in any "traditional" sense) point out instances of conduct that is acceptible, and that which is not. Having children partake of sexual rituals, as observers or participants is out of the question. Another highly innacurate portrayal on the comic. In the celebrations that do have fertilization rituals (Winter Solstice and Beltane [May 1st]) the sexual part is done after the other rituals, ONLY between those who are already sexually active and consenting adult, and off somewhere away from children. Both rituals would typically take place in a farmer's field to help perpetuate a good growing season as well. Nowadays, it's reccomended one do it in the privacy of their room. (I'll touch on nudity later, though)

(4) Regardless of where you live. In the US, if your fence is at least 6 feet high, and not chain link (or other style one could *easily* see *thru* then *ANY* action done in the blocaded yard (or whatever) if not visible from the street, is protected by privacy laws, and folks who go up to the fence and watch over the top can (and in my case WOULD) be prosectud for voyeurism. A police officer can't even come look over your fence without probable cause or permission from the owner. If I had such a yard, where someone had to walk off the public walkway, onto my private property, and then make themselves peer over my fence to see something, I wouldn't consider it something that is "in your face."

(5) Refer back to my comment above about how typical this is of all western belief systems, and how it doesn't make it any more right for any of them to operate in such a manner.

Continued on the next page...

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Psycho Dave's Dark and Scary Place
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Mister Happy's Pit of Despair