Once upon a time there was a college student who hadn't had a date in about three months: enter Dave's buddy Marc. Marc is a wonderful guy who takes dave's love needs at heart and sets dave up with his acquaintance, Shelley. Shelley is a mormon. Now, anyone who knows mormon girls REALLY well will agree; there's only two kinds: the ones who stay to their beliefs and never put out (and wouldn't date us anyway), and the ones who are neurotic, possessive nymphos. Maybe we're beginning to see the problem here. Any guy like myself, who hadn't had any in three months would jump at the chance of getting a nympho girlfriend. That wasn't my mistake; screwing nymphos is fun no matter what religion they adhere to. No, my fatal flaw was falling in love with the psycho. What follows is a two year relationship followed by a year and a half of stalking that still gives me nightmares and keeps me watching my back.
I'll spare you the boring crap about how we fell in love and vowed to spend eternity with eachother--ok I'll spare you from some of it. Three weeks after proposing to her way too fast I went to San Luis Obispo to spend two weeks with my best friend, Joey, and his wife, Misty. Shelley didn't come along because her parents wouldn't have approved (Danger sign #1). So, the whole two weeks are spent enjoying Avila and Pismo Beach, and talking to Shelley on the phone, renewing and strengthening our love. But, one night, one of her co-workers convinces her that I'm the kind of guy that would cheat on her, that I was cheating on her, that she should dump me and get with him. So she gets with him and waits to dump me until I get back. On the morning of the great dumping, she finds out the truth about how devoted I was to her and how their had been no infedelity and she returns to me. This marks the first time I forgive her for cheating on me. I get a job at her employers and with the exception of arguing over the fact that I moved up the ladder faster than she, and she was positive I was screwing all our female co-workers, everything was OK for a few months. Then our friend Richard was leaving for the Air Force. We threw a party for him, which Shelley didn't go to because of, you guessed it, her parents. So, with her permission, I go to the party. Our friends Erica, Angelic and Amy are there; the Shelley-monster was very jealous of these three ladies, and interrogated us upon our return from the party to insure my fidelity.Now, enter my cousin, Matt.
Matt was a sad soul who for a reason that remains mystery to us all, decided to take his own life. Distraught, I turned to Shelley, only to be pushed away because of the "unholy" nature of his death, and how her parents wouldn't approve. Rejected by my love, drowning in despair, I turn to MY good friend, Erica. Erica buys me popcorn and a Super Big Gulp and we go to a park, sit on the merry-go-round, and talk the night away until the sun begins to rise. She spends hours telling me of her family, of the rift between her and her father, of her late mother, of her wild times in highschool. All in all, I leave the experience feeling much better about life in general; upset with Shelley, but still loving her, I go on, and so does life.
Now, I forgot to mention that Shelley was a highschool senior. She tells me she's decided not to go to the prom because her parents didn't approve of me and she wouldn't go without me. OK. A few days later one of her friends narcs on her and tells me she went to the prom with some fat cowboy she met at a church dance that she forgot to invite me to, and that she and this fat cowboy, Josh, had a DANDY old time. After confronting Shelley I learn she's been seeing him on the side for some time now, that he was great, treated her better (better than the doting slave she had turned me into?). So we dump eachother and I start messing around with Roberta, a friend from work that Shelley had been accusing me of cheating with. Two weeks later I get the call: he's an asshole, he treats her so much worse than I ever did, and only wanted her for sex. Dummy that I was/am, I ended my liaison with Roberta and got back with Shelley against the long-standing advice of all of my friends. Weeks pass and I discover her continued infidelity with Josh. Finally, I get smart and dump the bitch. Now begins her nightly harrassment over the phone as I make plans to move to San Luis Obispo and live with Joey and Misty.
Despite all the psycho-Shelley horrors that followed, that summer in San Luis Obispo proved to be the best in my life. Although Shelley was still calling nightly around 1-2 am, angering Joey & Misty towards me,I was enjoying myself. I immediately get a job, meet two of the most wonderful women I've known: Tina L. and Tassy B. If you know/knew either of theseladies, you're blessed, e-mail me. Tina and Tassy taught me to get over and forget Shelley. The psycho continues to call, however, until one day I get a phone call from some guy. He's pissed and wants ME to quit harassing HIS girlfriend (Shelley), we fight over the phone about how his bimbo-slut was the one harassing me, not the other way around. Finally, he threatens to drive the five hours to SLO and fight me, which makes me very happy-- by then I could have really used a good fight and looked forward to whupping some cowboy ass.
Alas, the fat cowboy never showed up. So I went out and drank and danced with Tina, Tassy, Mark (not Marc), and "Rhondi". I will always hold fond memories of those times, those ladies were the greatest.
Eventually, circumstances had me move back to Yuba City at the summer's end. I tell no one. I move in with marc's family to maintain my secrecy. The day I come back, Shelley is waiting for me. I allow her to seduce me after she swears she's single, then I find out the truth and dump her again. She starts showing up eberywhere I go in public. I scream at her, curse her, wish her dead--nothing works. One night I go out with my new roommate Allen,after moving out of Marc's, to look for some posters for the walls. At Target we run into my friend, a girl I was trying to work on at the time, Thasha; and so I walk with her, talk, and flirt. The next night at work I get a phone call from, you guessed it, Shelley! She demands to know who I was with, and warns me to stay away from her or she'd kick Thasha's ass. This I would have loved to see; Thasha is buff, she played half-back on her highschool varsity football team, Shelley was an anorexic little twig with no tone. Finally, the gods bless me and she moves to Utah!!! Yay!!!!!
From Utah she continues to stalk me for a year, i won't get into it, you probably have a good enough idea from what you've read so far. A nice postscript--some other schmuck gets her pregnant and marries her. I don't know who to feel more sorry for, him or the baby. Finally, Shelley leaves my life. For good?
I'm still expecting her to show up on my doorstep in Chico someday with the kid and a sob story about how horrible the guy was, how much she regrets losing me,begs me to take her back.....
Thank God I'm married now with a kid of my own.
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