SETTING: In Monkeemobile

Peter: (coughing)

Nesmith:  Man, I've heard of out of town jobs before, but this is ridiculous.  
          How far do we got to go?

Micky:  Did we pass the gas station with the drugstore on the corner yet?

Davy:  Yeah, about a hundred and fifty miles back.

Micky:  Ah, that's where we should have turned left.

Nesmith:  I can't help wishin' you'da mentioned that a little bit sooner, man.  
          We're almost out of gas.
          (engine sputters and car stops)
          Yup.  We're out of gas.

Micky:  (looking around at ghost town)
        Well, it's a nice place to visit, I wouldn't want to live here.

Peter:  Cross at the green, not in between.

Davy:  He's been out in the sun too long.

Micky:  He was no bargain in the shade.

Nesmith:  Hey look, ah, Peter, you and Micky go up this end of town and Davy 
          you and I go down this end for some gas or something.

Davy:  See ya later.

Nesmith:  (to Davy)  Do you see anything?

Davy:  No.  I don't mind telling you it's making me nervous.

Black Bart:  (Nez dressed as bad cowboy) Nervous, eh?  You're a yella liver'd 
             coward, Slade.

Slade:  (Nez dressed as good cowboy)  So, Kincade paid a hired killer to come 
        and get me.

Kincade:  (Davy dressed as a cowboy) That's right, Slade.  I paid him five 
          hundred dollars for your life.

Slade:  Five hundred dollars, huh?  Well, I've got three words for you, Black 
        Bart.

Black Bart:  Yeah?  What are they?

Slade:  Six hundred dollars?

Black Bart:  Kincade, you're a yella liver'd coward.

Kincade:  Waah.

Slade:  Whew.

Peter:  (looking at a large triangle)
        I guess they used this to call cowboys to supper.

Micky:  What do you want that old thing for?

Peter:  I used to play one of these in high school.
	(bangs on the triangle)

George:  (to Lenny)  There's somebody out there.

Micky:  It's really neat.

(Monkees' Theme -- Intro)

Peter:  Micky?  Mick-Micky?  

Micky:  I've got ya now, Marshall.

(shots)

Davy:  Hey man, if this is a ghost town, what d'ya call that?

Nesmith:  Off-hand I'd call it a circle of bullets around our feet.

George:  Alright, you guys, hoist 'em.  You heard me, reach!

Nesmith:  Hey, you're pretty tough with a gun in your hand, aren't ya?

Lenny:  Heh, heh.  You think so, huh?  Well, you oughta see him with a cigarette
        hangin' out of the corner of his mouth.  George, show them that mean 
        look you get when you squint your eyes.  Go on, George.

George:  Oh, come on!

Nesmith:  Hey look.  We gotta split.

George:  Lenny, give 'em your famous line.

Lenny:  You ain't goin' no place.

George:  I'm not so sure they're alone.  You keep these two on ice while I look
         around.

Lenny:  Hey, hey.  But George ...?  Where am I gonna get ice in the desert.

Nesmith:  Hey, look.  What d'ya want?

Lenny:  What do I want?  I want what any man wants.  A job and security and a 
        home.  Goin' to PTA meetings and cookouts on weekends.  That's what I 
        wants.  Can, can you give me all of that?

Nesmith:  Well, no.

Lenny:  Then shut-up!

Nesmith:  Okay.

Lenny:  Now come on get out of here.  Get out!

Peter:  First we get lost and run out of gas and then Mike and Davy disappear 
        and then someone starts shooting off a machine gun and now this guy is 
        searching the town.

Micky:  That's for the benefit of any of you who've tuned in late.  And now, 
        back to our story.

SETTING:  In Town jail

Lenny:  Heh-heh.  George, George.  Tell me how it's gonna be when the Big Man 
        gets here.

George:  Okay, Lenny.  I'll tell ya.

Lenny:  Heh-heh.  Go on, George.

George:  When the Big Man gets here, we're gonna take our cut and we're gonna 
         scram outta here.

Lenny:  And take our cut.

George:  Hey, what about the kids?

Davy:  Yeah, what about the kids?

Nesmith:  Yeah.

Lenny:  Why should you get a cut, you've never done nothin'!

George:  I mean about knockin' 'em all off.  Never mind, we'll let the Big Man 
         worry about that.  It's his caper.

Lenny:  We never seen him, I wonder why he gave us this job.

Micky:  Hey, I got an idea.

CAPTION:  STAY TUNED FOR MICKY'S IDEA

Davy:  I wonder what happened to Micky and Peter.

Nesmith:  Maybe they'll come see us on visiting day.

Lenny:  Hey, George, I wish the Big Man was here.

George:  Take it easy, Lenny.  He'll get here when he's ready.

(Peter enters room dressed as a gangster)

Peter:  (in a gruff voice) He's ready.  Okay, boss.

(Micky's dressed as a gangster too)

Micky:  Alright, hnn.  Where is everybody?  This place is like a ghost town.
        (laughs)

George:  Who are you?

Micky:  (laughing)  That's rich.  Bright boy wants to know who I am.  I like 
        that.  Spider, the bright boy.

Lenny:  You ain't -- the Big Man?

Peter:  They don't come no bigga.

Lenny:  Well, boss, sure am glad to see ya.

George:  We didn't think you were gonna make it.

Peter:  Nobody touches the Big Man's trigga finga.

Micky:  Alright, where's the dough?

George:  Oh, it's right over here, boss.

Micky:  Who are they?

Lenny:  A couple of kids who stumbled in on us.

Micky:  Oh, give Spider the keys and he'll take care of the kids in the cell.  
        Won't ya, Spider?  Won't you, Spider?

Peter:  What?  What?

Micky:  Right, Spider?  The kids in the cell.

Peter:  Yeah, the kids in the cell.

George:  Wait a minute.  I didn't hear no car.  How'd you get here?

Micky:  How'd we get here with no car?  We -- ah -- coasted up, we coasted up, 
        because that saves on gas.  Inexpensive during the getaways, y'know.  
        Yeah.  Which reminds me, I think we left the motor running in the car, 
        Spider.  We better go check on it.  Guessin' we'll see you guys later.

George:  Wait a minute.  Gimme your famous line, Lenny.

Lenny:  Huh.  You, you ain't goin' no place.

Peter:  Wait a minute.  This is the Big Man, and I'm Spider.

Micky:  Yeah, I'm the Big Man.

Lenny:  (???)

Peter:  You can't step on a Spider!

Lenny:  Why not?

Peter:  It'll rain.

CAPTION:  STAY TUNED FOR MICKY'S NEXT IDEA

Lenny:  Yeah, you guys.  I'm real upset about that.  Tryin' to fool George and 
        me.  Right, come on.  You in there.

George:  Oh, and boys.  I wouldn't try to get out.  There's nothing around here
         but miles of desert.  Have fun.

Davy:  Fun in the desert.  That's all we need.

Peter:  Yeah, fun in the desert.


Romp: Tomorrow's Gonna Be Another Day


Micky:  A shovel!

Peter:  So what, we don't have a sandbox.

Micky:  Hey Lenny, can we see you a minute?  If we get that shovel we can dig 
        our way out.

Lenny:  Yeah, whad'ya want?

Micky:  What kind of jail is this anyway?  There's no exercise period!

Lenny:  You want to exercise before you get bumped off.  Well, you just jump up
        and down and up and down right there in your cell.

(Peter starts jumping up and down)

(Mike hits him)

Micky:  Well, we wanna play baseball.

Lenny:  Now I ain't got no bat.  Now don't bother me.

Micky:  Well, we could use that shovel.

Lenny:  Wha- how could you play ball in a cell?

Micky:  Well, we'll bunt a lot.

Peter:  Ah, thanks.  Thanks Lenny!

Micky:  Yeah, thanks a lot.  Hey, can we use your ball?

Lenny:  Yeah, but don't you lose it.

Micky:  Oh no.  I won't lose it.  Hey, we won't.  Don't worry.

Nesmith:  Thanks Lenny.

Micky:  Hey give me the shovel.  We'll take turns.

Peter:  I thought we were going to play baseball.

Nesmith:  First we'll escape, then we'll play baseball.

Davy:  We're going to have to cover up the sound of our digging some how.
       They're going to hear us!

Nesmith:  Well, we could play.


Romp: Papa Gene's Blues


Peter:  Hey guys.  The cell next door is much nicer.

Micky:  We gotta find another way to escape.

George:  Where'd they get that shovel?

Lenny:  They only wanted to play ball.

George:  Gimme that!  You guys'll be using this shovel to dig your own graves!

(They hear a car pull up)

Lenny:  Who's that?

George:  The Big Man.

(Bessie comes in)

Bessie:  Okay punks, where's the loot?

George:  Come on lady, the PTA meetin's down the block.

Bessie:  You gotta be George.  You got a big mouth.

George:  That's right.  Who are you?

Bessie:  I ain't the Welcome Wagon.

Lenny:  You - uh - ain't the Big Man.

Bessie:  Nah.  I'm the Big Woman.  The Big Man's wife.

Lenny:  Then where's your husband?

Bessie:  My husband got too big.  Now I'm the Big Man.

George:  I don't believe her Lenny, any more den these kids.  I think you gotta
         be der mudda!

(Bessie slaps him)

George:  Hey!

Bessie:  Don't ever call me that.

George:  Why you ... Hey!

Monkees:  (Cheering)

Bessie:  What's this?  A Boy Scout camp?  Never mind, get rid of 'em.

George:  You heard the Big Man!  Go knock 'em off!  Quick, before they start 
         singin' again.

Bessie:  Singin'?

Lenny:  Yeah, they were singing before.

Bessie:  Oh yeah?  Hey, you boys singers?  You ever worked professionally?

Nesmith:  Uh, yes ma'am.  We're a group.  We're "The Monkees".

Bessie:  Oh, chimp act, huh?

Nesmith:  (shakes head) No.  Hey, it sounds like you know show business.

Bessie:  Show business?  Sonny, thirty years ago the name Bessie Kowalski 
         brought a throb to millions of hearts.

CAPTION: BESSIE WHO?

Peter:  Oh, I bet you had a lot of heart, Bessie.

Bessie:  Thank you, sonny.  You're a nice, sensitive boy.  Lenny?

Lenny:  Yeah?

Bessie:  Take 'em out an' shoot 'em.

Micky:  Hey, wait a minute.

Davy:  Maybe, as one singing act to another we could have a last request.

Bessie:  I don't do requests.  Lenny?

Micky:  (overdramatically) In just a little while, we'll be up in the palladium
        in the sky but before we go, we'd like to do one last number.

Bessie:  Sure, sonny.  I know how it is.  Once a trooper, always a trooper.  
         Lenny?  Let 'em do their number.  Then shoot 'em.

Peter:  Bessie.  We'd be honoured if you'd do the number with us.

Nesmith:  Phoo.

Bessie:  (Singing) Everybody loves my baby,
	           but my baby don't love nobody but me
                   nobody but me.

Nesmith:  Well, that's alright Bessie, we'll try something that's a little more
          up.

Bessie:  Oh, good idea.  Good idea.
	 (singing)  Hi, neighbour, Hi, neighbour!
                    Whad'ya know, and whad'ya say.  
                    Hi, neighbour, Hi, neighbour!
                    Throw all your troubles away.

Nesmith:  (to Davy) There's a telephone over there.  Go use it.

Indian:  Hello.

Davy:  We're being held prisoners in a ghost town.

Indian:  Me cannot help.  Me primitive indian chief.  Know nothing about white 
         man's problem.

Davy:  You've gotta help!

Indian:  Wait a minute, other phone ringing.  Me put you on hold.

Davy:  Hello?  Hello?

George:  Come on.  You've got to listen with the rest of us.

Davy:  Oh, hello.

Bessie:  Okay, Lenny, now let's rub 'em out.

Nesmith:  Bessie, do you know you could get the chair for this?

Bessie:  No, I don't think I remember that one.  Let's do "Everybody Loves My 
         Baby" again.  That's a good one.  Come on.

Lenny:  You know George, I think I'm falling in love -- with the big man.

George:  You know how she bumped off Mr. Big?  She sang him to death.

Bessie:  Okay, fellas, the recital's over.

Nesmith:  No, Bessie, you're doing beautiful.  Uh, look, we do things different
          now-a-days.  See.  And, uh, try this!  (Shows her some sheet music)  
          You can do this, uh.

Bessie:  I can do this.  Hit it!
	 (sings Monkees Theme)
	 Hey, come on you mugs, join in.

George:  Ah, come on.

Nesmith:  Come on, Lenny.  Come on up here and play with us.

Bessie:  Come on.

Lenny:  (???)

Monkees and Bessie:  Come on, George.

Davy:  Come on, man.  Here y'are Lenny, try these maracas they're ...

Lenny:  Whaddo I do?  Hold this.  (Hands Davy his gun.)

Micky:  You've got the gun!  Use it!

George:  Don't shoot!

Nesmith:  Keep singin' Bessie, keep singin'.  (Turns on the player piano)

(Bessie sings Monkees Theme)

(George aims gun)

Lenny:  Careful there, you might hit the Big Man.

Peter:  Hey we shouldn't be here behind the bar.  We're too young!

Micky:  So go out then.

(shots are fired over their heads)

Peter:  That's what I said.  We're fine just right where we are.

Micky:  (as carny) Very very good.  Now knock the rest of the bottles off the 
        shelf and win a cupie doll.

Micky:  Now this is the moment when the calvary usually rides up.

(Calvary rides by, playing Monkees Theme)

Micky:  Hey!  Here we are!  Don't trust the calvary.

George:  They can't hit us from there, we'll just wait 'em out.

Peter:  Hey, doesn't that gun every run out of bullets?

Davy:  Hey, it can't.  We're the good guys.  
       (gun runs out of bullets)
       I guess we're not so good after all.

(Davy throws the gun, and a bullet fires out, knocking George's gun from his 
hand)

George:  Hey Lenny, I never seen shootin' like that in my life!

Lenny:  He's good, George!

George:  We give up -- don't shoot!

Micky:  (gangster voice)  Alright Spider, give 'em your famous line.

Peter:  (gangster voice)  You guys ain't ...

Lenny:  (mouths) Goin' nowhere.

Peter:  (nods)  You guys ain't goin' nowhere.

(Cops cuff Bessie)

Bessie:  You wouldn't do this to Barbara Streisand.

Cop:  You boys performed a real public service.

Bessie:  Right, they brought me out of retirement.  You'll be glad to know that 
         while we're in stir the boys and me are gonna work up a new act.

Monkees:  Alright.

Bessie:  Whaddya think of the name "Bessie and the Bullets"?

Micky:  Yeah.

Davy:  "Bessie and the Bullets".  (laughs)

Bessie:  Yah!

Monkees:  (say goodbyes)

Cop:  Hey fellas.

Davy:  Yeah?

Cop:  You'll be happy to know there's a reward for the capture of this crowd.  
      Take this down to the police station.

Davy:  Oh, well.  Gee, thanks!

Nesmith:  Yeah ... we can use the money.

Cop:  (laughs)

Davy:  Bye bye.

Cop:  Is that your car?

Davy:  Yeah, isn't she a beauty?

Cop:  Well, boys, she's in a no parking zone.

Monkees:  No parking zone.

Cop:  You crossed against the light.

Micky:  What do you mean, parking.  

Cop:  And one more thing.  Performing in a cabaret without a license.

Peter:  Without a ... We don't ... there's no cabaret ... it's a ghost town, 
        man!  You can't ...

Nesmith:  (hands the cop the reward ticket)  Well, I guess that'll about take 
          care of it.

Monkees:  Well, that's show business.

(End Credits)