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Ref Jokes

Heavy rain

A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.

However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.

The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment's thought, said, 'OK - we'll take the shallow end!

Spare whistle

A well-known footballer and his wife recently decided to take a holiday at a nudist camp. He was asked to referee the camp football match but, surprisingly, he declined the offer.

'Why did you refuse to referee that match?' asked his wife.

'I wasn't too happy about where I had to carry the spare whistle,' replied the husband.

Referee's daughter

Did you hear about the England international player who had a date with a referee's daughter?

She penalised him three limes - for handling, interference and trying to pull off a jersey.

Refereeing the old firm game

Referees at Celtic Rangers matches always have a particularly hard time. One poor unfortunate, officiating at his first fixture, was checking in with the team managers before the kick-off.

'Well, that seems to be about everything,' said the Rangers boss.

'Now, if you'd just like to give us the name and address of your next-of-kin, we can start the match.'

Three friends

The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. 'May I see your tickets, please?' said the club secretary at the door.

'We haven't got any tickets,' said one of the men. 'We're friends of the referee.'

'Get out of here!' said the club secretary. 'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends

Saying or thinking

The angry captain snarled at the referee. 'What would l happen if I called you a blind bastard who couldn't make a correct decision to save his life?'

'It would be a red card for you.'

'And if I didn't say it but only thought it?'

That's different. If you only thought it but didn't say it, I couldn't do a thing.'

'Well, we'll leave it like that, then, shall we?' smiled the captain.

Care to join us?

We're starting up an amateur football team. Would you care to join?'

'I would, yes, but I'm afraid I don't know, the first thing about football.'

'That's all right. We need a referee as well.'

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