How to Fight an Abuser Without Violence

Abusers are simply bullies and everyone knows that once you stand up to a bully, they either back down or kill you, neither an attraction option for the conclusion of a love relationship, but certainly an end.

Since I love using a video camera, I decided that every time my boyfriend started verbally abusing me, I'd drag out the video camera, telling him I was going to show it back to him when he was sober. Now, I caution against doing this while the abuser is REALY mad because they may just slap it out of your hand and damage your camera as it hits the floor.

But I persisted. If it hadn't been for the abuse being caught on video tape, it would have been his word against mine and some people have no problem lying, in court, to a judge.

Unfortunately, I didn't push the start button in time to catch the intial assault of June 26, 2002. But I did catch the threats thrown at me in July as I prepared to leave my own home, fearing for my life and escaping from the insults hurled with hate in my dierction. I knew then that I was a prisoner in my own home and struggled for freedom. This abuser was like a tick, a buger that won't let go no matter how many times you attempt to sling it away.

During my first assault, I was thrown backwards into a set of sliding closet doors in my bedroom we once shared. Our relationship was over, he was sleeping on the couch by now, and I was patiently waiting for him to move out and move on with his life.

After hitting the floor, he picked up by the throat into a standing position, squeezing off my air supply. I tried to get away by climbing backwards onto my bed and digging my fingernails into his tanned and tatooed forearm. I saw the extreme hate in his eyes as I began to grasp for air. Somehow, I squirmed away, and as I yelled for his friend to help me, he slapped me in my left ear and side of my face, catching my nose with his little finger.

I began to spit up blood and blood oozed from my nose onto my shirt. I screamed again for help so he grabbed me by my hair and buried my face into the mattress. As I struggled to get free, I realized my neck was hurting too much to resist my captivity.

Praying for my life, he unexpectedly released me as I promised to help him find his keys. The same keys I later found hanging in the key cabinet in the living room, where we always kept them.

Although I called the police to my home that night, I was so fearful that he would shoot the policeman and then myself that I left and went to the house next door. He had a Luger with a laser sight and I knew that sight could reach my neighbors' house, where I was hiding. I left with only the clothes on my back, no shoes, hair wet from my recent shower.

I left for a week, waiting for him to move out. He refused so I had to return home when I ran out of money. (Actually I learned later there were other options for me.) While waiting on a pay check, the one week we shared my home until his arrest was tenseful.

I remember waking one morning, early, and seing him standing in my bedroom doorway. The door was missing since he had ripped it off the its' hinges during the assault. I was totally vunerable to attack. I couldn't see if he had his gun or knife in his hand so I pretended to be asleep. Luckily he left.

Five days after the magistrate signed an arrest warrant, he was arrested and served with a restraining order which he immediately broke by calling my home from the jail 8 times in a row until I called the sheriff to complain. Instead of charging he with violating the order, he was simply told to stop calling.

He spent 30 days in jail because no one would pay the $300 bail for his release. I had to go to court 3 different times. Once to testify against him and twice to get a restrainig order. I was so scared testifying that all I could tell the judge was that "I feared for my life from that man."

Although I had threats on video, the District Attorney prosecuting the case refused to listen to my evidence. Lucky for me my lawyer and case worker listened and the abuser plead guilty.

Although he was charged with 2 counts of domestic violence, communicating a threat (to kill and burn me down), and destruction of property, he was released from jail after 30 days, slapped on the wrist with 2 years probation and sent on his merry way to abuse again, which he did only a few months later. Twice. While on probation. Results....the girl refused to show up in court so he got off.

Now I have been saddled with a lien and lawsuit against me and my property by this abuser, all of the tax bills from his business that I saved for 2 months, utility bills he refused to pay, and all of the damage he did to my property while living there rent free.

Bitter? How could you tell? It's bad enough that I lived in terror, fearing that I would be shot through the walls of my home, safety in no room. The year following the assault was so stressful that I didn't have a monthly "female friend" for a year.

It wasn't until I spoke with my previous minister, Rev, Carol O'Connel, about taking charge of my own life and to quit focusing on that situation. It was time to take back my power.

While surfing the web for a lawyer specializing in domestic violence, I stumbled across links to the "Face to Face" and "Give Back A Smile" programs. Those links have saved my life.

When I first met Dr. Marc Yune, I had no expectations of changing my life any more that erasing the lines and dropping on the left side of my face, the side in the way of my abuser's open hand. I wasn't even sure my case was bad enough to warrant surgery. I almost cancelled the appoinment.

When Dr, Yune began discussing having to operate on both sides of my face although it was the left side drooping, I thought he was going to say it was too much trouble and I should just go home and accept my faith. It was my fault, after all, for allowing that man into my life. That's what one of the cops told me, that it was my fault for dating him.

"THE 2005 PEAS PROJECT"Click on this link to share your ideas on endning domestic violence today.

Maybe if we had a nationwide data base on the internet listing domestic abusers, just like they list sex abusers, women could investigate any previous abuser and save themselves alot of pain and heartache.

But Dr. Yune was wanting to help me, something I wasn't use to. I began to see a light at the end of the tuneel. Had I suffered and survived the past abuse for 2 years to be lucky enough to receive a complete makeover?? I tried not to get my hopes up but if you've seen my before pictures, you'll realize the immediate need for facial beautification intervention.

I did once check into applying for the show, "The Swan." But seems the maximum age of 36 was over a decade too much to fake. Dr. Yune suggested I start by going on the South Beach diet and drink green tea so I stopped by Barnes and Nobel on my way home to North Carolina and bought the South Beach diet book. Since I didn't like all of the foods listed I simply cut out carbs completely for the first few weeks. I also substituted diet, decaf soda (they don't have the after bite of diet cola) for regular soda and sugar sweetend ice tea for Splenda sweetened ice green tea.

These are my before photos. Click on them later for my after photos. I lost 8 pounds the first 2 weeks. Wow. It almost seemed too easy until I realized I was sitting on a plateau, the scale wasn't moving down but it also wasn't moving up again.

I realized I had to get active. I admit my metabolism seems a bit higher since drinking the green tea. My cosmetic dentist, Dr. Dina Giesler, said I should get a set of 3 pound weights to work out with. She took off her white lab coat and showed off her toned arms. I laughed to myself, what good would 3 pound weights do but I dutifully went to Wally World and purchased a set.

If I say you could feel a burn using 3 pound weights, I know you would laugh too but after so many reps, even 1 pound weights would have caused my useless muscles to burn. But look at that toned look. I feel so powerful.

It's a shame that you can beat up another human being and get a lesser sentence for "Domestic Violence" if you showed that person love than you would receive if you walked up to a complete stranger on the street and step on their foot or touch them in any way.

I am standing up to Domestic Violence. What are you willing to stand up for? If you're not standing up for something, you're sitting on your butt for nothing.

Get Involved! Write your congressperson and demand tougher jail terms for Domestic Violence Abusers and a National Database of Convicted Abusers on the internet.

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HOW and WHY I FOUGHT BACK, SNEAKILY BUT LEGALLY