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Thursday, 20 November 2003

How to Be a Cat


Now Playing: a piteous wailing sound by the front door

Yes, I am that sad piss-stained woman who ends up envying the cat.

1am: Sniff the air, repeatedly, like a Bisto kid. Do nothing.

2am: Abruptly scramble and plunge around the flat, sounding the drumming thunk of 18 paws, rotating on an axle.

3am: Chase other, evil, cat across the Vanessa's pillow. Do not fear to tread on face.
Dive under the duvet and try to nestle against a hot rump. If the Vanessa farts, claw her viciously.

3.30am: Try to find warmth and succour atop duvet for Phase One of Seventeen Hour Sleepathon. The archetypal arrangment will force the Vanessa's limbs into contorted circular shapes that afford fortress-like protection from enemies.
Other, evil, cat looks at you funny. Fight her.

4am: Cold will force you into an interim alliance with other, evil, cat. Dismiss your differences through ritual headlocks, bum-sniffing and grooming until able to comprise a Large Cat Puddle, of two to three feet in diameter.
Wake the Vanessa through vigorous over-grooming.

5am: Patrol the house. Wail piteously at exterior door - it may spontaneously open? Time for the Noisy Scratching Poo.

5.30am: Claw holes in the centre skull of the Vanessa. Try to find areas not already encrusted from yesterday.

6am: Other, evil, cat should join forces in unholy alliance, and support the cause by placing a wet muzzle against the Vanessa's lips; if fruitless, replace with rear end.
Become overwhelmed with curiosity as to what exactly other, evil, cat's rear end smells of.
Investigate.

6.15am: Demand profusion of Cat Pats.
Become wildly over-stimulated and develop twisty purring frenzy. Tail should bush out tempestuously, keeping other, evil, cat at bay.
If other, evil cat receives pats, hiss balefully. Time for the Stinking Scratchy Poo.

7am: Stare reproachfully from the Vanessa to the food bowl, to the Vanessa, to the cat litter, to the Vanessa, to the cat toy, to the Vanessa, to the door, until all targets meet your satisfaction.
Studiously and meaningfully aim to visualise tinned cat food. Biscuits are unacceptable. Should Biscuits occur, stalk away with nose in the air.

7.15am: Seventeen hours of slumber await. Break at ten to scrutinise local birds and make a chattering noise.

Apologies to Alex's Diary...

This page graced by sarsparilla at 8:54 PM GMT
Updated: Friday, 21 November 2003 7:22 PM GMT
Post Comment | View Comments (12) | Permalink | Share This Post

Thursday, 20 November 2003 - 10:48 PM GMT

Name: Kat
Home Page: http://www.mostlyfluff.blogspot.com

This sounds about right. Try it with a cat and a dog, though.

Friday, 21 November 2003 - 12:36 AM GMT

Name: Belle
Home Page: http://asortakindafairytale.blogspot.com/

Try it with two cats, a dog, a serial killer neighbor and while under the influence of mass quantities of Visine? and fabric softener. Wait, that's not my dog...

Friday, 21 November 2003 - 10:54 AM GMT

Name: Vic the sleeper
Home Page: http://jaynair.blogspot.com

My cat breaks all the rules. Well, it's either that or I just sleep right through all the indignities she bestows upon me. Once a-slumber it takes a lot to rouse me, but Tess never has a problem doing it for me ;)

Friday, 21 November 2003 - 1:48 PM GMT

Name: Lux
Home Page: http://www.shylux.blogspot.com

Large Cat Puddle... LOL

Friday, 21 November 2003 - 3:58 PM GMT

Name: Vic from earlier
Home Page: http://http:jaynair.blogspot.com

You see, read out of context the term 'large cat puddle' has a slightly more unpleasant meaning. I had to re-read the enty to work out at what time the golden-showers were administered.

Friday, 21 November 2003 - 6:24 PM GMT

Name: alfie
Home Page: http://alfredtheok.blogsspot.com

Cats! I love 'em. I used to breed them - a variety of Abyssinian called a 'Somali'. Dead, dead nice and friendly.
I've got 4 left after 'Tizzy-wizzy-woo' snuffed it last month. We were gutted. My very favourite is 'Tammy' I know she loves me because she jumps on my knee, pads up my chest and licks my nose. Then, she mostly yawns, right in front of my face, she shares her last meal with me as wafts of rotting cat food assault my nostrils...... hmmm 'Whiskas' - chickenish flavour...

Friday, 21 November 2003 - 6:47 PM GMT

Name: Vanessa

Ewwww .... Vic says his kitten suckles his lip. Yeeeuccchhhhh.

Friday, 21 November 2003 - 7:30 PM GMT

Name: Vic, the same one.
Home Page: http://jaynair.blogspot.com

She does, but she has lovely fresh breath and isn't minging in the slightest. She flosses sometimes too.

Friday, 21 November 2003 - 9:06 PM GMT

Name: sarah

no, it's worse when they spontaneously start licking your earhole. ewww!

Friday, 21 November 2003 - 10:48 PM GMT

Name: paul
Home Page: http://noxturne.blogspot.com

Okay, you've convinced me. Tomorrow the cat goes to the pound!

No, not really. She's not my cat anyway.

Sunday, 23 November 2003 - 8:05 PM GMT

Name: Alex Buell
Home Page: http://www.munted.org.uk

Hah! My kitty once licked me on my mouth whilst I was asleep dreaming a very lovely dream about a certain blonde woman. Sigh.

Wednesday, 26 November 2003 - 11:03 AM GMT

Name: Francesca
Home Page: http://www.frachelai.com/

Hilarious - I hope you don't mind, but it is so reminiscent of time with my cats that I am going to link this post in my blog !

Beautiful cats, btw. :)

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