I DID A REALLY STUPID THING LAST NIGHT!!
well, i worked 2-11pm last night (FEC) and one of the girls in the bakery had been there since the morning shift, and she had found out that her sister got into a car accident and no one was able to come in for her so she was stuck there. and none of the managers was really too willing to help, so i called billie in so she could go see her sister. she said that they had called him, but he hadn't called back so i called him from my cell phone and he answered of course, so i asked him to come in and he was like "why should i come in for 2 hrs!?" and i was like "please!?....for me?" so he came in!... see he thinks he's got me wrapped, but i still got him too!.. it works both ways but i'm way too stubborn to go back! ESPECIALLY NOW! well, everything was winding down for the night and he was leaving and i went out at the same time to check the lot for carts and we went the same way and he gave me a hug and that's when the stupid thing happened bc we kissed!!! it was like a 2 sec kiss, but it shouldn't have happened. i don't even know why i'm saying any of this, but i guess i needed to get it off my chest. i do know one thing, it's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN! ... it CAN'T!

ANOTHER DAY AT PUBLIX!!!
Not much really happened today...i worked 2-11pm but as always didn't get out on time (we did pretty good though only 20 mins late) i actually wasn't that stressed today, but then again there's always tomorrow and Thursday bc i FEC those days too! and Friday...(my "day off") i have orientaion at hcc for like 3 hours!! who knows if i'm gonna even make it into fall quarter! but oh well there's always winter! i'll just work more.
WOW! i just realized that it's almost 2am and mom's still on her date! DAMN! GO MOM!!! but right now were on what she calls "RED ALERT" bc Randy is in town! i really wish i could see my brother and sister! i miss them sooooo much! i still have picture of them in my car and purse.
anywhoo...i gotta get going to bed!!! i feel like there was something i forgot to do at work, but it's too late now... nighty night!!!!

miguel called me while i was at work today, but i'm still sticking to my original whatever attitude! speaking of work... Pepe won't stop telling me about his friend Junior that likes me... but dude I DON'T KNOW THE KID!!! so please don't give him my number! he always looks at me funny when he comes in the store. if he likes me he needs to actually talk to me. (it helps every now and then..lol) but there is one hottie that works at my store that i'd like to get to know! lol :) hopefully he won't quit like everyone else.
anywhoo... not much else going on really. i have to fec tomorrow 2-11pm again! I HATE IT!!!! since it's 1:42am and i can;t think of anything else or anything at all for that matter i'm gonna go sleepy night-night now! lmao.... SWEET DREAMS

ANOTHER DAY IN THE LIFE OF ME!!
Inverness was fun as always. We went to dinner with Cara's mom at AppleBee's and hung out at Cory,Mary and Martha's house. all i did was sleep almost the whole way there and on the way back to Tampa and then when we got to Cara's apartment I passed out on the couch! i don;t know why i've been so tired lately, but it feels DAMN GOOD to FINALLY get some sleep!
i talked to Miguel today, he was doing homework and said he'd call me back at 10pm, but HE NEVER DID!! (Thanks Miguel!) but that's okay i figured that would happen. he probably finished his homework and called either MaryKate or one of the new lil' girls he likes. whatever... i'm really starting to not give a shit and I?m really giving up...i don't want to but he just acts like he doesn't care about the friendship.
i helped out at another store today... it was sooooo much fun! I love it so much better then my store!!!! it's so much smaller...they have 9 isles including frozen...and we have 18 with frozen..BIG DIFFERENCE!!! plus, there's this lil' hottie, Casey, that works there..he's such a cutie! but he's a minor! that's okay, he's really nice and his sidekick Michael is a nut case! they're so freakin' funny together!...(RIGHT THUR OR RIGHT THUR?!?!)LOL I wanna transfer there so bad now...everyone is sooooo nice!
anywhoo... mom went out on another date...go mom! I?m glad she's moving on from that asshole Randy! I still miss my brother and sister like crazy... I?m never gonna know how Randal's 1st day of kindergarten went or who Jensen's 1st crush is. it's the little things that I?m gonna miss, besides watching them grow up. i didn't get to spend enough time with them and I miss them like crazy, but i don't want to let mom know, bc that's the last thing she needs to hear..she was just as attached to Randy's kids as i was. but i gotta stop thinking and writing about them, bc it just makes me sad and cry, so i'm just gonna so try and sleep it off now! nighty- night

A FEW UPDATES
well, i talked to Miguel a few days ago and things seemed okay, but i'm still whatever about the friendship. we talked on my break and he called me when i was up front(FEC)but it was so busy that i really didn't get a chance to talk for that long! god my dad came in the same night and that was like the 1st time in like a week that i saw him and it was like hi and bye! but now he knows how i felt when he was too busy when i was a kid and he went out with his friend and worked and i was at home. now i'm on my own (well kinda.. more than him anyway.. i'm outta grandpa and grandma;s house) and he's stuck at home with them!
oh, about the whole me being over in the office $100, no one ever came back for it. but mike (one of my managers) said that he was just gonna make me FEC for 2 weeks and then write me up for it and then i can go back to the office. hey it's better then being FEC and being out of the office for a month! oh, and this week i got over time so i'm happy and waiting for my check!!! :)
today's my day off and i think i'm gonna go to Inverness with Cara, Camron and Cory and get DRUNK!!! i need to kick back and RELAX!! it's something i'm not too familier with anymore! gotta go...time to get ready...i gotta meet them at 3:00

SAME OL' TIRING BULL SHIT..DIFFERENT DAY!
i'm soooo sick of the bull shit in my life! i really need some change. i'll start with work first... i hate fec (front end coordnating) it sucks ass!! it's the fact that we're on this pay roll pilot crap at work and they're cutting hours left and right so that leaves me with no help. they leave me with like 4 closers almost everynight and i need 4 to mop alone!!! then someone to run the machines and to level!!! i hate this crap!!! i would be so much better if i just had HELP!!! the only reason i'm putting up with the fec crap is bc i wanna be in the office! GOD I HATE PUBLIX!!!
anywhoo.. on to a diff. alement... MIGUEL!!! this is driving me insane! i'm really starting to think that MaryKate writes all this stuff about hanging out with Miguel bc she knows that i read her live journal sometimes. i'm happy for her that she's so happy with her friendship with him but i really don't need to know every detail sometimes. maybe the guy dan who posted a comment was right maybe i am a lil "envoius" of their friendship!... do don't really ever get to hang out with him and he USED TO BE like one of my bestfriends. not MaryKate has him busy like EVERYNIGHT and he never even calls me! i mean what the hell!? he's my friend too!
On to Miguel!.. i'm just going to give up... it just seems pointless to try on a friendship that only seems to be working one way... Miguel obviuosly doesn't seem to even care enough to call but he's got plenty of time to hang out with his little "mary soup"! this is why i'm giving up on all the shit!... i refuse to be 2nd best.. sorry... i did it once in a relationship and i'm not gonna put up with it for a friendship! so if i sound like a bitch for that oh well, i can't help it. if someone's got a problem with it caom talk to me! anywhoo... i;m all bitched out for one night i'm gonna finish talking to Jeff about his girl issues! lol :) Jeff... stick with Kristen.. she's nice and Brooke's moving anyway! lol

continuing for the one below... read 1st entry of the day so this will make sence
okay, well i figured i'd read marykate's journal and i found out that miguel lied to me about something really stupid ... he said he went shopping with his mom NOT MARYKATE, so whatever and he fact that he just loves to hang out with her so much is kind of starting to ANNOY ME! so i'm not making the effort anymore ... it's nothing against her, but i;m just tired of trying to do things with him and i guess she's more important or something...i don;t know. and i;m DEF. GIVING UP! what-the-fuck-ever!!! i;m not gonna give two shits anymore, if something happens it happens! oh... by the way... GOOD LUCK with the girl from work that you like Miguel... thanks for the heads up MaryKate!...
NOW I'M GOING TO BED!... PEACE THE FUCK OUT! (can ya tell i;m a lil pissy!?)

i'm not sure things can get much worse!
okay i haven't written in a while so heres a quick up date on anything i think is worth writing about...
well, the other day Miguel called me out of the blue and we hung out and went to the movies again..this time we went to see Italian Job. (really good movie!) it was fun ...we had a good time. then yesterday he called me on his break and he was saying something and called ME MARYKATE!! sorry , but I AM NOT HER AND NEVER WILL BE... nothing against her, but i like my name and i like to be called my name. so i guess he got kinda mad bc he thought i yelled at him but i don;t think i did. so he wasn;t understanding why i called him Billie to prove a point. so that night mw and Stef hung out and we were bored so we decided to go see magoo and he didn;t even seem interested in hanging out for a few or talkin, he just said he was tired and was gonna go home, so i left and he hasn't called me.
on to my next problem... my ex...TOM.. i've changed and from the looks of it (I guess you could say) he hasn;t or anybe i changed too much...i'm just nit the push over/take shit from everyone kinda person anymore, so i didn't know how to tell him that things are just weird for me bc he makes it seem kinda like he wants things the way they were so i just stopped taking his calls. but finally yesterday i called back and told him that i've been working like 24-7 basically (which i kinda true) and that i've been partyin after, so i think he got the hint and got pissed and was like "well... i'm gonna go.. i don;t know... whatever.." i feel bad but i didn't know how to handle it or what to do! oops.. my bad!
oh my goodness... i never want to work another Saturday in my entire Publix career again... i worked today and it was SOOOOOO FREAKING BUSY!!! and then on top of that i was supposed to go on break and i didn't get to go until like a fews hrs after i was scheduled and i worked 2-11:30pm but didn't get out ;til like 11:45pm so that sucked ass. then on top of that shit i was $100 over on my cash drawer so hopefully someone comes back and gets it. it's just been a shitty day. and billie was staring at me earlier and i don;t know why..oh well he's getting better ... he's learning not to talk to me ...lol :) EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW.... Old Man River ... (i think his name is Tony) in the deli..i'm sooooooooooo tired of him hitting on me! he's like obsessed and he knows i'm 18 and NOT INTERESTED (HE'S like 26!!) and even still, he doesn't even have a car... there's something def. wrong with that picture!
okay...time for sleepy night- night... pray that someone comes back for that money or i'm stuck on the line/FEC for at least a month!...... nighty- night!

not much goin' on today
there wasn't much that went on today. i worked from 6-11pm. and then tomorrow i open 8-2pm... it really sucks when you have to close and then come back the next morning to open. (you can't really go out bc you gotta get some sleep) anywhoo.... i talked to marykate earlier today online and of course Miguel came up, so natually i had to ask and she said that she doesn't like him "like that" anymore. so that's good news for me. i still think she does though. but oh well whatever... the way i see it is if he liked one of us like that, then he would have made some kind of attempt by now so show us. i mean we never made it out to be a compititon and if he likes her then great... i'm happy for him with whatever he does... he's my bestfriend.
anywhoo... i really hate this morning fec shit... it sucks i gotta go to bed soon so i can wait up at the freakin' crack of dawn!! well time for sleepy night- night! sweet dreams everyone! and hopefully things get better!

p.s. i didn't know where to put this part but he (Miguel) wants to read this and i'm not sure if i should let him. i don;t want him to read it and take something the wrong way and then things become weird between us or something. oh well... i guess i'll take the chance.

I'M FRUSTRATED
okay, My Magoo( Miguel:) )was in Puerto Rico for a month and we talk the whole time he was there, so when he came back, on the 23rd I picked him up from the air port and it was all good and everything was like he never left. Then we hung out on Friday night and went out to dinner and hung out at my house afterwards for a little bit.
and i knew him and MaryKate weren't really talking but i encouraged him to talk to her. i even told him that she missed him and i told her to talk to him when he got back home, but i didn't think that when i called him while they were hanging out that MARYKATE would be answering HIS PHONE!!! i honestly forgot that they were hanging out last night or i wouldn't have bothered them. (it's just being respectful i guess)but it REALLY REALLY REALLY BOTHERED me that she answered when the phone was RIGHT NEXT to HIM. i mean, i know that he's not my boyfriend (he's not her's either though) but for some reason it just really got to me when she answered the phone! and i don't think i realized how much i really care about him until this happened!
it's my own stupid fault though, i guess, i should have gone out with him A LONG TIME ago when i had the chance instead of wasting my time with Billie. i mean look where he is now... he's stuck in a relationship with some girl bc he got her pregnant!! his life is basically over. i'm just glad i got out when i did. i can actually say that i'm moving on and not looking back when it comes to my relationship with Billie!!
i don't know what's going on with me but i had to get that off my chest. i don;t even think Miguel wants to be with me like that anymore, but i really want a relationship with him!