When I first came to AA (4/19/92) I was afraid of change.  I didn't come to AA because I was an alcoholic.  I came to get a court card signed for my 4th Drunk driving.  I was busted disgusted and I couldn't be trusted.   I had lost everything I valued in life and still feared change.

My saving grace was that I was in a lot pain.  The thought of giving up alcohol was to frightening for me to conceive.  It would mean that I would have to deal with all the pain of life without medication.  It would mean that I would have to interact with you on my own.  How could I interact with out my liquid courage?   The fear of going to jail or having my life further deteriorate was not enough to motivate me to quit drinking.  Simply put my fear of living without a drink was greater than any other fear at the time. But PAIN is the thing that got me sober.  I just couldn't stand the pain of being where I was at one more time.  

I saw people come to meetings and share about dealing with the problems of life without a drink, and they usually could even laugh about it.  I asked people if life was better, and they would say life is life but it's OK today.  It was the pain of my self-loathing and the hope that you gave me that finally gave me the willingness to change. That was over 8 years ago and since then almost everything in my life has changed. 

Today because of a result practicing the 12 steps in my life it's OK to be me.  Today it's even OK for you to be you.  I have learned that just because you don't agree with me that it doesn't make you wrong. I have learned to agree to disagree on certain issues and leave it at that.  I have learned that if you disappointed me and I'm developing a resentment to take a look at my expectations, and to try and limit my expectations of you.  I remind myself constantly about what Dr. Paul said about people, places and things.  That they will always let you down, and when I'm less than perfect I accept my humanness.  When you let me down I remind myself that you're a people and that's what your supposed to do. 

I have changed my attitude about myself and have become less selfish and comfortable just being a part of and not having to run the entire show.  I have come to have a loving relationship with a Higher Power.   I believe today that I only need do my best and then leave the rest to God.   I accept that my best some days isn't very good and that's OK as long as it's my best.

Today my life is so much better than I could have ever imagined it because of a direct result of putting our 12 step program into action.  Most of the time I feel so good that I refer to my sobriety as Ta La La Sobriety, but that doesn't mean that shit doesn't happen.  It just means I handle it without ruining my sobriety.  Every once in a while I look up to heaven and say, "God, I know you have and plan and I just wanted you to know I think it sucks".  After doing that and confirming my belief in a plan I feel better and just leave it there. Today part of my change is to know that I'm not perfect and I do my best and leave the rest to God. 

Yesterday my best wasn't very good. In sending out the newsletter for my traveling group I sent it to all the people on my Morning Meds list.  Yikes...  and then to top it off I had an old Link to our home page and got several letters about that.  I would have thought the world was ending by making those mistakes in the past, but thank God today that I can just say....  Oh, Well.

Soberly submitted by Mark M. from Montebello, Ca.

So many of us were given back our abilities to think coherently that we go overboard with them!! Yet others hide their intelligence and wisdom behind false humility and "powerless over people, places, and things".  We need the opinions of the group to gain a group conscious, all of them!!!   Especially the unpopular ones, they make us think the standard answers through in a new vein.  But the minute we become the "flaming phrophet of the AA way of Life" then we need to be pulled in check immediately.  So many intimacies are shared at meetings that to indecriminately divulge them at will could literally kill.  Death by Gossip.  Even a casual mention of a celebrity name or a cop's identity, could destroy that individuals chances at a new life, we are so sensitive in new sobriety.

Our disease still carries with it a "moral" stigma that has not diminished much through the years.  Public awareness and flat overwhelming numbers of treatment options and facilities has made it easier but not completely. Normies looking in don't know who the "best examples of a bad example" are in our group, they judge us as a whole for the most part.  This hinders our effectiveness to those very same people that need help for their loved ones dying of this disease.  Yet at the same time my kids are telling everyone they know that I am a drunk in recovery.  (That's exagerated, because that's how it feels at times)  When one of their friends has a problem with drugs its usually "let's go talk to my mom, she's been sober for "x" number of
years and might be able to help."  More of the dichotomy of this program and its wonderful way of working regardless of how well we work it, on all levels.

Now at the same time if I chose to campaign for a canidate, then go for it!!!  When I use the name of AA in relation to that, I need to be stopped.  We are allowed opinions, this isn't a mind control cult.  We are even allowed to express them freely, just don't use AA's name in the process.  Even this is "suggested", there isn't a sobreity gestapo that is going to come out of the
woodwork and torture you!!  (Although a good sponsor is close).  It seems to me the fires of hell is stupid.  We were given the gift of life anew, use it to make something better, to do that you need to think, to form YOUR OWN OPINION and act on it.

One of my favorite sayings is: "Some of histories greatest strides have been made by people that held unpopular opinions." ----Adele Stephenson

I know I'm on a soapbox, there's reasons for it.  I was raised in the military, individual thought is not encouraged.  When I got sober my old farts challenged my thinking and forced me to investigate the principles that I had followed by rote for so many years, out of convience.  Life was simpler if I kept my mouth shut, but my guts, my spirit and my soul suffered. Alcohol and drugs helped me to live through it, till it quit working too. With no alcohol to dull the aches, I had to face them or perish that slow insane death.  Survival has its price too, mine was to learn from it and help others.  This could only be accomplished by examining my life closely and the mis-conceptions that ruled my existence.  If Bill had ignored this same task then we would not be here now, the choice is ours to continue the work or "let it ride".  As long as I don't take the name of AA into the public arena then I feel I am entitled to voice my opinions as I feel them.  This is definitely not the softer easier way, I don't recommend it for newcomers, but the ones of us with time have a responsibility to speak up.  It is our strength, it is our hope and if its based on our experience then its ours period.

Ghandi used passive resistance to unite an entire country, Martin Luther King used peaceful resistance to right a centurys of wrongs to a people, so effective change is possible without having to "fight anybody or anything".

Like most of the principles of this program the best stuff has been around for a long time and simply paraphrased for modern use and specific need.

Step ten is easy---I have a conscience, it doesn't let me sleep if I have been a jerk.   I have a gut that tells me quickly if I am wrong.  I have a "still quiet voice" that YELLS if I am being out of line.  I have a God that is not very subtle......LOL.  I have you people to reflect back to me when I am ready to see it the things in me that need to be changed if able.  Or accept if need be, the things about humans that are just simply part of being human.

Most of my resentments were tied loosely to the incident at the time, and more wrapped up in the priciples I was ignoring or allowing others to destroy in me that were the real issue.  More often it was me going against my true nature that was causing the real problem, rather than recognizing the love at the base of my pain.  The fear in my gut  that stopped me from being the me my Creator intended.

Step ten simply makes me touch base with my principles and beliefs.  Did I violate or was I untrue?  Simple, but it opens a whole can of worms when I ignore it.  And right now I would love to be able to say I practice this step religiously!!!!! Yea right!!!!   I can't walk on water yet!!!  But I try, and occasionally succeed, its easier now that the major wreckage is cleared away to see my faults and wrongs.  In the beginning it was a constant state of being overwhelmed with them all, so I made more to correct.....lol.

(Soberly submitted by Jorene from Phoenix, AZ)

Positive Energy

It's so easy to look around and notice what's wrong.  It takes practice to see what's right.

Many of us have lived around negativity for years.  We've become skilled at labelling what's wrong with other people, our life, our work, our day, our relationships, ourselves, our conduct, our recovery.

We want to be realistic, and our goal is to identify and accept reality. However, this is often not our intent when we practice negativity. The purpose of negativity is usually annihilation.

Negative thinking empowers the problem.  It takes us out of harmony. Negative energy sabotages and destroys.  It has a powerful life of its own.

So does positive energy.  Each day, we can ask what's right, what's good - about other people, our life, our work, our day, our relationships, ourselves, our conduct, our recovery.

Positive energy heals, conducts love, and transforms.  Choose positive energy.
...................................................................

Damn, can I relate to all of that.  My entire life while I was boozing and abusing was nothing but negativity.  And I thought that was just fine because that was all I ever knew.

By working and living the 12 Steps I have been able to knock down those walls of negativity and replace that attitude with a positive one.  The Old Man calls it a "taste of the honey."

I have learned that as long as I am looking for the "good" in every thing, regardless of whether I find it or not, I don't seem to have time for the "poor me's" or time to once again be a "victim. I still have occasional bad days but I usually just "be still" and say to myself:  "I am POSITIVE that this is a fucked up day."  Then I remember what The Old Man told me in the beginning.  He said that we can start a day over just anytime we want to.

Sure do love all of you folks.  You are all a very big part of my recovery.  Thank you, God

Remember, we set the sail, God will send the wind.

(Soberly Submitted by The Mav somewhere out there)