May, 28, 1999.
Well a little over 5 weeks since Shane passed. I am doing ok, Would like the mood swings to stop, but dont want to forget him, or who we were together. I know Im not that person anymore, unfortunatley. But who I am, is ok too. I have learned alot, since this tragedy came into my life. We must hold on to today. And whatever you do, Let those people in your lives KNOW how you feel, tell them I love you. Don't let the opportunity pass. It may never come again

June, 1, 1999.
I have renovated the pages, and now I dont know what to do. I cant seem to say enough about my Shane. Do you know anything about him, from viewing these pages? Do you see the wonderful person he was? I cant say enough. I cant put enough of his pictures up. Please read all about him. He is so special.
I love him still, even more. And miss him terribly. I hope I can make it to tomorrow, if it gets here, If I am soposed to. Life without my Shane, is hell. Know this much is true.

June, 2/3, 1999.
I had the most amazing day! I stumbled upon a channel in IRC. And found the nicest people there! It was a spiritual place, and these people are truly gifted. When I left that place tonight, well it is still tonight to me, 1:30am (I just am too excited to sleep!) I was filled with such a peace,and so much love! I know My Shane is here with me, he never left. Our souls dont die! Only our 'shells'. We get new ones.in paradise! New perfect ones. But we are always around those we love. Isnt that the essence of God?
Love, pure, unchanging, everlasting, unending! Now I know, I will have my sad times, still. I am just so happy right here, right now, that I had to share! Be still, and know that I am God.
What an amazing thing! Wow. God is Awesome! :) I will forever cherish, and be thankful, for being blessed with Shane, and having been given the opporunity to love such a man. He will be with me always. And I with him. Wow, what a wonderful thought! :) Well I will write, forever if I dont stop now. Peace! yes wonderous, fullfilling Peace! :)

June, 5, 1999.
I am in an e-mail support group, and I wrote a note to one of the survivors letters. And I wanted to share some of it with you. So maybe you can see some of the confusion, and pain, we go through, minute to minute.
((((((((((((((((Betty))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you for sharing Mia with me.
I know how hard it is to write what happend down, yet I also know how writing about the one we love and lost, makes me feel better.
To tell everyone I meet, about Shane, gives me, you know I cant describe the feeling. But I get it!
I have this almost uncontrolable, need, to keep him alive in my writing about him.
To feel our love, coming through with each letter I type.
I have only survived my tragedy, a little over 6 weeks. And I think I am doing good, most of the time.
Sometimes it scares me how good I feel, thinking that if im not crying all the time,
or at least look sad, then I dont, didnt love Shane, as much as I thought, or felt, or enough.
But no one knows, what is inside. The things you cant show. The wounds that cant be seen.
I know it is not even the same when the one lost, is your child.
Just as your loss is not like mine, that of my husband.
i do however beileve, we as survivors of suicide, no matter who the person lost is to us, share a bond,
that I would like to give back if no one minds. But that is out of my hands.
My point is I understand, unfortunatley.
I am rambling, and probably not making any sense at all so I will stop.
i just really wanted to say thank you, for sharing your precious daughter Mia with me, and when you can, or want, I would like
to hear more about her. Maybe one day, I can say, I know Mia. :)
And I will through your words. God Bless You, Heather
Loving Shane 8/3/71 - 4/21/99
Then in response to my email, my new dear friend in deed, Stephi, who also lost her love, replied with this:
(((Heather))
You touched on such a wonderful point that I, myself, grapple with.
I, too, feel as though I somehow need to be crying every moment, and in pain with
every breath to trulylove Thomas.
I told my therapist that I don't want the day to come wheer I have no tears..
because, then I am afraid i will have forgotten Thomas.
But, she assured me.. that I will *never* forget Thomas.
That the memories will always remain with us, and that I will always know the love we shared.
But, that I needed to just let myself go on the "up and down" roller coaster.
some days.. I will feel good, and I shoudl rejoice in them. And, some days, I will feel down.. and I will take comfort in them.
But, through it all.. my love for Thomas (just as your love for Shane) will not waiver.
You are SO right with this one. It is so helpful to hear you say it aloud.
Or outward grieving has nothing to do with how much we loved someone.
Everyone grieves differently.
But, the love... it stays the same, and is JUST as strong as ever.
I am going to go take care of Thomas' flower garden now. (smile)
Lots of hugs.. love Stephanie
Missing my Thomas. 6/25/67 - 2/26/99
And I cant say anything more. This sums up the past two days for me. Bless you all.

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