June, 6, 1999.
I got a reading last night. And although I was totaly sceptical, I have to say, These women were right on!
They were seeing Shane, they were hearing him speak. The things they said, there is no way, no way at all they could have known.
I want to put up what was said, but I am waiting on word from them, for thier permission to use names, but otherwise,
I will put it up, omitting names. I know, Shanes death was a total and complete accident.
I knew in my heart, but last night these women told me, yes accident.
And proceeded to tell me just how it was an accident, and I believe Shane was telling them to tell me.
I dont know if knowing it was an accident made my pain worse, or better.
What I do know is, it still doesnt bring him back.
The post will be up by at the latest 6/12.That will give me the time I need to put it up.
It is about an hours worth, so if you want to read it be prepared to be here awhile!
And be prepared, to believe in life after death, if you dont already.

June, 13, 1999.
I have had a great week! I have felt Shane around me, and have felt his approval, with me going ahead and living. I know he would not want me to sit here, and whither away. I am not seeing anyone, it is not time for that yet. But I am meeting people, friends, and having a blast. I know shane is with me laughing, and having the blast with me. He is so wonderful, and I cant wait to see him again, but until it is my time to go. I will hold him in my heart, and keep him close to me. And love him always. As he loves me. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I am halfway there. I am not saying I dont have my bad moments, where the grief overpowers me, and i break down. But then Shane hugs me, and I litteraly feel him there, and all is better. I know I am never alone. I miss him every moment. But know his most precious spirit, is with me, and within me!

August, 3, 1999.
Today would have been Shanes 28th Birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING. I MISS YOU! So many things have happend since I last wrote here. I am moving on with my life. I have made new friends, actually went on a couple of dates. I am starting to feel alive again. I miss Shane everyday. I will never forget him, and will always have him in my heart. He is afterall, the love of my life. But, I have to live, and I deserve to be happy. And I will be, oneday. Unfortunatley I would have loved to share my happiness with Shane. But, that is not possible, physicly. Yet i know he is sharing all with me. Because he is with me, every second of every day.

August, 31, 1999.
I am starting to FEEL the REALITY now. Of just what happend, and what I have been through, what Shane MUST have gone through. A friend of both Shane and I, who didnt know what happend, until just the other day, a chat friend. Was saddend to hear what happend, yet he told me something so wonderful, yet so sad. I woould like to share that with you. Marko wrote: "He told me of his great love for you, what he did was due to a great hate of himself. Depression is anger turned within, it was nothing about you, he loved you but could not overcome the profound sadness and self hate. If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.'...H.W.L. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: Believe me, every man has his secret sorrows, which the world knows not; and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad." What a wonderful thing to tell me, really. I so much felt and will still im sure, guilty. Thinking there is something I didnt or did do. Why oh WHY!!!! but there is no answer, only us survivors trying every moment to cope, and go on. Shane loved me, I never doubted that, I may have said how could he love me and do this. But my heart knows. He is my love, my precious Husband, who could not deal with the pain inside. I pray, oh how I pray, that this website and all the pain in it, and soon all the memories, of love we shared will help save even ONE person, from this terrible thing, Suicide.

May 11,2002.
A long time has passed. Shane died three years ago last month. On the first anniversary of his death, I put an announcement in the paper down in Phoenix. Luckily some people sent me a copy. That was pretty hard, and I wanted to do it so badly I spent my last $65.00 to do it. Well worth it, let me tell you. The 2nd anniversary of his death was spent quietly at home with my new husband Rick. And This year, I took a little time out of that day (4/21) it landed on a Sunday this year, so I didnt have to work, thank goodness, and I remembered Shane as vividly as I could. I cried, I cried hard, and then I smiled and giggled remembering him, the first time we met, our first kiss, our first easter, our first time camping....Shane meant so much to me, he never knew. And even three years later, and another husband, I STILL LOVE YOU SHANE! Always ....... ALWAYS!

April 20, 2003
It is the eve of the 4th anniversary of Shane's passing. I am seperated from my husband Rick. Today is his birthday, and easter. I have to work tomorrow, hopefully my work will keep me distracted from the day. I don't get as sad anymore, I am taking anti-depressants. But I am very lonely. Not lonely for just anyone, but lonely for Shane. I miss him VERY much still. I went to his grave last month. It would have been our 4 year wedding anniversary on the 4th of April. Some people say I shouldn't say I was married 3 times because I was only married to Shane for 17 days. I was his wife damnit! I wont forget that! He died my husband. And I love him as much today, if not more, as I did when he was alive. I just miss him so......

June 28th, 2005
Yes, I am still here. I come here every so often to read my pages, and what I was feeling back when the pain was so deep and new. It is still here, just burried deeper and deeper every passing day. I am still very much in love with Shane, and miss him every day- miss him most when I hear a certain song, when I remember something he did, or something he said. Miss him so much when I do something that I know he would have enjoyed, it hurts so much when that happens. I saw his mom in February this year. I drove down to Phoenix and gave her the box that I had, containing everything I kept of Shanes. I hope she takes good care of it. I still have our pictures- I wont give those away.
I have a boyfriend, Brian. And I love him, but totally different than Shane. I dont think I will ever be able to love anyone like that again- because people die, sooner or later. And that is a pain I prefer not to feel again. I would be devistated if anything happed to Brian, even if we just broke up.... ok I am fooling myself- we cant control our feelings or how much we love someone, no matter what we tell ourselves. Losing someone, regardless how they die is hard. Losing someone who died by thier own hand is the worst! It is the worst betrayal to those left behind that loved that person.
I hope if you are suicidal, you read pages like this and the hundreds, thousands other pages of loved ones left behind after a suicide. And you CHANGE YOUR MIND! It isnt worth the pain you will leave behind. Please get help, talk to someone, you are not alone, and you dont have to go through it alone!!! Visit this site: 1000DEATHS for more info on getting help, if you are suicidal or lost someone to suicide.

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