A year in hindsight
Topic: God things
My mom loves my blog. But she doesn't do the internet thing or know how to work a computer. So last Christmas I printed out my blog and put it in a nice notebook for her to read through for the next year. Which then obligated me to do so again this year. =) Of course. I don't mind and love that she wants it, but it the experience of it was surprising to me.

She is going to have to be satisfied with January through June for a while. As I was going through post after post about moving, then about my dad and his struggles, it all got very heavy in my heart. There is a time to ponder things, but this is not a good time for me to get all heavy. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and there is celebrating to do. My brother is here in town for a week and we'll be getting together a lot. Maybe for the first week of the year I'll finish up printing those blog entries. July and August will be the most difficult to wade through for me.

I think it is partly my personality type that lets me lay aside something unpleasant for a while, then get back to it. (Hey, I can lay aside something really unpleasant for years and years!) But I realized as I was reading some of the entries today, that God's taken me (as well as my family) on a real journey this year. It's been one of the hardest years of my life. I hadn't realized how hard until I looked back.

And now I am even more amazed that God has given us peace and hope through these times. (after all, I could be a complete blithering idiot by now if it weren't for God's peace) One of the ways God has helped me this year is that I've been so busy, with all the events and new things, which I love. I haven't had the time to stay focused on myself and to do much wallowing. I don't think that kind of living (by the seat of your pants) is the healthiest way to live long term though, and I am trying to get a grip on this big city life now, but it's kept my mind occupied. There was always something else on the horizon, something besides myself to set my focus on. And even though it's been a whirlwind year and time has just flown by, God has made Himself so much more real and almost tangible sometimes to me, especially by seeing my dad go through mental illness and death. God's presence was right there, He was such a comfort.

I am not the kind of person who, as a habit, deeply contemplates my life and the events in it. (although I admire people who can do that...because I find it exhausting!) It's more of a gradual dawning of understanding that I get and it can be months or years after the event that I finally 'get it'. I feel kind of backwards that way, but I've come to accept it as part of who God made me. Hindsight is a very cool thing for me...God shows me things and grows me through it.

So as I go through the rest of the printing of the year's worth of typing and thinking out loud that I've done, I'm hoping to learn some worthy lessons.

Stay tuned.

I hope that you can lay aside whatever it is that you are struggling through for a while and enjoy the peace He wants to bring to your life and your spirit this year. Just take your eyes off of that distracting thing you are focused on...and fix your gaze on Jesus for a while. See if your spirit gets a breath of fresh air....I know it will.

p. s. Patrice, this is just the kind of entry you'll love...it's all personal and intimate....Merry Christmas. ;)