Nobody Has to Know X
A Matter of Control

by Aries

X-files - M/K

August 2004

WARNING. This story contains some disturbing images of child abuse and non-con, m/m sex between and adult and a minor

Author’s note: I have no formal experience in the BDSM field. As with most specific topics in my stories, I had to wing most of it. Anyone out there who walks the walk and is reading this series thinking, "this chick is way off base", please forgive my inaccuracy, and I hope you manage to enjoy the story in spite of it. I should have added this note in when I first started the series, but mind is a void, I didn’t think to do it, so, there you go.

Disclaimer: Mulder, Krycek and Scully belong to 1013. All others are original characters. I wonder if CC would trade me?

The couple sat in silence, each looking at the patch of floor at their feet.

Finally, the woman spoke.

"I’m going to say something, Mulder, and I hope you believe me, because I swear it’s true...I’m sorry."

Mulder kept staring at the floor and said nothing.

"I’m not sorry that you’re not with him any more, but I am sorry that you’re hurting over it. I didn’t want to be right. For your sake I didn’t want to be."

"He didn’t have to love me back," Mulder murmured. "I could have lived with that, you know? It’s the lie...it’s the fact that he wanted me all on his terms. I’d...I’d given him so much...just about everything. I wanted to, Scully. I really did. I loved being his. I only asked for one thing. Not even. I only wanted the possibility of a balanced relationship." His head dropped even lower. "He said he’d always want me. What he meant was, he’d want me until something couldn’t go his way, and then he’d be done with me."

Scully slid closer and covered one limp hand with her own

"I really am sorry, Mulder. That son of a bitch." Scully eyes flashed blue fire. "I told him that if he ever hurt you, I’d..."

"Leave it alone, Scully," Mulder pleaded softly. "Please. Please, just leave it alone. It’s done. Over."

Scully studied her partner, taking in the dejected slump of his shoulders and incredible sadness in his eyes, and her heart ached.

"Okay, Mulder, okay. You uh...you wanna stay here tonight?"

"No," Mulder sniffed. "No. I just...I didn’t want to go home right away, but I have to sooner or later."

"It can be later."

"No. No later than tonight. I can’t let him do this to me. I lived just fine without him before. I can do it again."

"I know you can," Scully encouraged, unsure of the sentiment. "Okay, Mulder. You go on home if you have to. But if you get there and find it’s too much to take, you know you can come back."

Mulder lifted his head and cast a watery gaze on his partner. "Scully, I...I’m sorry about all the fighting we did. I should have listened to you. I’m sorry."

Scully pulled the distraught man into her arms. "It’s okay, Mulder. Don’t worry about it."

Mulder clung to Scully, accepting the comfort his partner offered. Several minutes passed before he pulled out of her arms and, sniffing back a few stray tears, got to his feet.

"Time to go. It’s getting late. Thanks for being here, Scully."

The woman shrugged and gave him a little smile.

"It’s my apartment. Where else would I be?"

Mulder tried to return the smile, but it fell flat.

"I’m gonna call you tomorrow, okay?" Scully asked as she rose and accompanied Mulder to the door.

"Would it matter if I asked you not to?"

"No."

"I didn’t think so." Mulder snapped his fingers as he remembered one of his reasons for coming. "Scully, can you give me your key to my place? I left everything at his apartment."

"How’re you going to get it all back?"

"I don’t know. I can’t think about that right now."

Scully nodded and retrieved Mulder’s key, pressing it into his warm palm. Mulder hugged her once more, thanked her again then left.

Scully shut the door softly, stood by it for a number of seconds with her fists clenched, then she stormed into her bedroom.

Mulder walked into the pitch blackness of his apartment, listening to the deafening silence. He turned a small lamp on and wandered into the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator door, he pulled out a half empty bottle of water and drained the rest of it. He tossed the bottle onto the counter and trudged in past the living room, straight into the bedroom. Flipping on another lamp, his gaze went straight to the bed, and he doubled over with the pain of the memory of the last time he’d slept here.

"Alex," he whispered brokenly. "Oh, God, Alex."

Mulder fell onto the bed and, hands clenched in his hair, rolled into a miserable ball.

The couple sat at the small table, eyes glued on each other despite the all the action around them.

"How’s your drink?"

"Good. Thanks. I uh...I was really surprised when you called me."

"Why?"

"I don’t know, I..."

The man’s sentence was cut off by the small, redheaded woman who’d come to stand behind his date.

"I want to talk to you."

C.J. turned around and looked up into determined blue eyes.

"Ah, shit. What’re you doing here?"

"Looking for Krycek. But since I can’t find him, you’ll have to do. Where is he?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"You haven’t seen him?"

"I ran into him and Fox earlier today at a store. I haven’t seen him since. Okay? Can I get back to my date now?"

"No. Where’s he live?"

"Forget it, lady. Fox is your friend. Why don’t you call and bug him?"

"Mulder is home, all heart broken because of that bastard," Scully grated. "Now, where does he live?"

"Wait. Wait, wait." C.J. turned to his date. "I’m sorry, Mick. But I need to find out what’s going on here."

"It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere."

C.J. smiled at his date then turned his attention back to Scully.

"Now, what do you mean, Fox is home and heartbroken?"

"Just what I said."

"That’s...that’s impossible. I told you I saw them this afternoon. They were shopping."

"I don’t care what they were doing this afternoon. Tonight, they’re separated. And Krycek’s gotta pay."

C.J. ran a hand over his bald head. "Shit. Ah, shit. What the hell happened?"

"I told you what happened. Krycek hurt him bad. And now I’m going to shoot him."

C.J. shook his head. "Listen, Miss...Scully, is it? I don’t know what happened, but you can be sure that Alex did nothing to purposely hurt Fox. I’m sure it’s just some kind of misunderstanding."

"Tell that to Mulder," Scully hissed.

"You know what? I will. As soon as I talk to Alex and get the straight dope."

"Alex has never been straight with anyone in his whole miserable life. Now, why don’t you just tell me where I can find him, and you can get back to your date?"

"You know I’m not going to do that. And I’m not going to go running to him as soon as you leave, so you can forget about following me."

Scully heaved a frustrated sigh. "But I know that sooner or later you’re going to contact him. "You tell that lousy excuse for a human being that he’d better keep the hell away from Mulder. He’s done a shitload of damage in a very short time, and I’ll kill him before I give him the chance to do any more."

Scully spun around and stormed off, and Mick raised his eyebrows at C.J.

"I do believe she’s serious. What’s she talking about, if you don’t mind me asking?"

C.J. sighed and rested his head in his hand. "Oh, God, a friend of mine...he’s so in love with the man she’s talking about, but for some reason he can’t tell him. It’s a long story, but I wonder if this supposed breakup has anything to do with that. Jesus, he must be hurting."

"Why don’t you go see him?" Mick asked.

"I will. Tomorrow."

"No, I mean now. If he’s in as much pain as you think he might be, he probably needs a shoulder to cry on."

C.J. smiled. "I don’t think Alex has ever cried in his life."

"Well then, an ear to bend."

"I don’t know if he’ll talk to me." He shrugged at Mick. "Alex is sort of a tough nut."

"Still. I know what it’s like to be hurt and have no one to talk to. Why don’t you go? I’m fine, really. We can go out again."

"...Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Damn, are you for real?"

Mick smiled. "Yeah. On our next date, maybe I’ll show you how real."

C.J. moaned deep in his throat. "I’ll remember that."

"I hope so."

C.J. looked around. "Ah, what am I thinking? I’ll just bet she’s lurking around here someplace waiting for me to leave."

Mick smiled at C.J. "Well, let’s see if we can find her before she finds you."

Scully lingered unseen in the shadows, keeping her eyes on C.J.

He was going to leave, she knew he was. And she was sure that when he did, he’d be going straight to Krycek.

"C’mon, you bastard. Come on out."

"Hey."

Scully turned around and glared at the man in tight leather at her back.

"Take a walk, pal. I’m not interested."

"Neither am I, honey. I’m just here to give you a message."

"Message from who?" Scully asked, turning back to watch the couple.

"Alex."

The red head snapped around, and Scully turned a heated stare on the man.

"What’d you say?"

"Alex. He heard you were looking for him. He says he wants to talk to you."

"Well, here I am."

"He’s downstairs. He won’t come up."

"Why not?"

"Hey, I don’t know. I’m just delivering the fucking message. He’s downstairs in the third room to your right."

"Why should I believe you?"

"I don’t care if you do. The message has been delivered. If you don’t want to talk to him, that’s your business."

The man turned and walked away, leaving Scully alone. She stared after him, debating on whether or not she should believe him.

Cursing softly, she found her way to the stairs and descended.

"Oh, my God."

She walked through the dark hall, cringing at the sounds that came from behind the closed doors, and when she came to the third door on her right, she took a deep breath, opened the door and peeked in.

"Krycek? You here, you piece of shit?"

"Yeah, sure he is."

Someone shoved her into the room and locked the door quickly. The moment she’d regained her balance, she lunged at the door, pounding on the heavy metal.

"Let me out of here!" she screamed. "I’m going to arrest every goddamn one of you, you assholes!"

Standing outside the door, C.J., Mick and a couple of the men they’d recruited congratulated each other silently, then C.J. whispered to the one called Frank.

"Give me ten minutes then let her out."

"You got it. I hope you can help Alex. He and that Fox babe are such a hot couple."

"I know. Thanks, guys." C.J. turned to Mick and smiled at the other man. "I’ll call you tomorrow," he murmured.

Mick nodded and stopped C.J. before he could turn away. Leaning in, he laid a long, hot kiss on him.

"Wow," C.J. breathed. "What was that for?"

"A sensitive man, who’s willing to go out of his way to help a friend, really turns me on."

"Really?" C.J. growled. "Glad to hear it." He came in for another kiss then backed off. "Talk to you soon."

Back in the room, Scully listened at the door, hearing muffled voices but was unable to understand what was being said. When it got quiet again, she started to pound.

"Who’s out there? Let me the hell out!"

When there was no response, she turned around and faced the room. Her jaw dropped when, for the first time she took stock of what was around her.

"Oh, my God."

Hand over her mouth, she wandered slowly around the space, gaping at the evil-looking contraptions. Free standing, attached to the wall...some hanging from the ceiling. And the other stuff...

Did Mulder...did he really let Krycek use these things on him?

"Oh, God," she croaked. "Mulder. Aw, Mulder..."

The buzzer rang insistently for the third time, but it went unanswered.

"Alex. Alex, come on. It’s C.J. I know you’re here. I saw your car. Alex, open the door. I’m not going away. I’ll stay out here all night driving you nuts...don’t think I won’t."

Nothing.

"Fine. I got a better idea. I’ll go visit Fox. See what he’s got to say about what happened."

He was five steps from the door when it swung open and a pair of bloodshot eyes set in a grizzled face glared out at him.

"You look like shit. You been drinking?"

"So what if I have?"

"Can I come in?"

"No."

"Alex, I know that Fox is gone. Don’t just sit here drinking yourself into oblivion. Talk to me. Tell me what happened."

Krycek’s gaze went to the floor, and his body leaned heavily against the door frame.

"Don’t want to."

"Yeah, you do."

With a pout worthy of Mulder, he shook his head and pushed away from the door. Teetering a bit, he found his footing and trudged back into the apartment.

"Go ‘way, C.J.," he mumbled even as the other man followed him in and shut the door.

"Damn, I’ve never seen you drunk before," C.J. whispered. "Alex...Alex, sit down before you fall down."

When Krycek fell onto the sofa, C.J. took a seat across from him.

"Alex, tell me what happened."

Krycek shrugged. "He’s gone. I fucked up, and he’s gone. ‘Kay? Now get out."

"What’d you do?"

Rubbing a fist over one eye, Krycek reached for the mostly empty bottle of Vodka, but C.J. got there first and snatched it away.

"Gimme that."

"You’ve had more than enough, I think."

"Gimme it! Krycek shouted.

"Forget it."

"Gonna kill you soon as I’m sober," Krycek croaked.

"Okay, yeah, you can kill me if that makes you feel better. But right now, you’re going to tell me what happened between you and Fox to put you in this condition."

Krycek sighed heavily. "He thinks m’a selfish prick."

"Why?"

"Cuz I told him it was too soon to live together."

"You...you changed your mind?"

Krycek frowned at the other man. "No. But he thinks I did. Din’ change my mind." He leaned over, resting his head on the arm of the sofa. "I want him," he sighed. "Ah, Fox, I...why’d you go? Din’ want you to..."

Confused, C.J. watched as Krycek’s lashes dropped down over his eyes. He mumbled a couple more incoherent things, and he was out.

Shaking his head, C.J. got up searched the apartment. Finding the linen closet, he pulled down a light blanket and draped it over the unconscious man. Pulling off his shoes, he lifted Krycek’s legs up onto the sofa then reclaimed his seat. Resting his head in his hand, he watched the other man sleep.

"Love sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?"

"Ah, fffffuck."

Krycek lifted a hand to his pounding head and attempted to open his eyes.

"Headache?"

Krycek’s eyes snapped open, and he bolted upright, searching for the owner of the voice. When three C.J.’s came in sight, he moaned and slowly lowered himself back to the cushions.

"What’re you doing here? How’d you get in?"

"You let me in. Last night."

"What?"

"You were so drunk, you don’t even remember."

Another moan.

"I’m gonna go get you something for your head."

C.J. disappeared into the kitchen and came back a few minutes later, carrying a tray of dry toast, water, aspirin, a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice.

"Come on; sit up. Slowly."

Eyes closed, Krycek frowned. "Leave me alone."

"Like hell. Get up, Alex."

Glaring at the other man, Krycek surprised him by doing as he asked.

C.J. wondered if his luck would hold out. "Have some toast."

Krycek lifted a slice to his mouth and bit off a tiny piece. "You..." he squinted up at C.J. out of the corner of his eye. "...stayed here?"

C.J. lifted the mug from the tray. "Yeah."

"Why?"

The other man shrugged. "I wanted to make sure you were okay. It’s what friends do."

Krycek put the toast down and lowered his head, closing his eyes.

"What is it?"

The sable head shook slowly. "I haven’t...I haven’t had a friend since I was a kid."

"Well, that’s a shame." C.J. took a seat and stared at the other man. "Friends do something else too."

Krycek lifted his head a bit and ran a hand over his face. "What?"

"They talk. Tell me about yesterday, Alex. You said you fucked up. You said a couple of other things, but you were so fried, it didn’t make much sense."

Krycek lifted his head a bit more but kept his eyes closed. "Why did you come here? How did you know..."

"That little redheaded pit bull came gunning for you at the club last night. She said you’d broken Fox’s heart then demanded to know where you were. ‘Course, I didn’t tell her. Couple of the guys, my date and I lured her into one of the downstairs rooms and locked her in for a while so she couldn’t follow me."

"She must be pissed."

"Yeah, well, let her be. The last thing you needed was her on your ass about this...whatever the hell happened. Speaking of which...what did happen, Alex?"

Drawing a long breath, Krycek let it out then took the aspirin without being told to. He took another tiny bite of the toast then cleared the rubble from his throat. When he spoke, his voice was no louder or clearer.

"I...I told him that it was a mistake to ask him to live with me. I said it was too soon, that we...needed more time before we jumped into something so important. He took it all wrong. He said I was just trying to get rid of him because I didn’t want the nature of our relationship to change. I tried to convince him that that wasn’t the case, but...once Fox gets an idea in his head, it’s tough to convince him of anything different."

"And he just bugged out of here?"

"We were at dinner," Krycek rasped. "Hadn’t even ordered yet. He..." he looked up at C.J. "...you were right."

"About?"

"He was so upset. He...he said that he was going to tell me that he...God," Krycek whispered. "...That he loved me. Then he broke. I ran after him. Caught up with him in the parking lot. I tried to get him to come back here with me, but he wouldn’t. He was...C.J., he was so hurt. I couldn’t stand it. He...he told me to go to hell, and he ran. And I let him."

"Why didn’t you go after him?" C.J. asked.

"I couldn’t hurt him any more if I left him alone."

"I don’t think that’s true," C.J. murmured gently. "Alex, he’d just told you that he loved you. No matter how it’d come out, it was still a pretty heavy announcement." That you didn’t go after him..." C.J. opened and closed his mouth, trying to find the words he wanted. "...it just...it reinforced what he already thought to be true."

Krycek’s hands clenched in his hair.

"Why can’t you tell him you love him?"

"Jesus, are we back on that again?"

"Yes. We are. Because that is at the crux of your problems."

Silence.

"You need to come clean, Alex. If not with me, with yourself at least. Only then will you be able to settle this thing with Fox. Until then, you’re both going to miserable and lonely. Is that what you want?"

Krycek leaned back against the cushions, rubbing his forehead. He said nothing.

C.J. sipped at his coffee. "Finish your toast and have some of that juice. Maybe you’ll be able to think more clearly when you’re feeling better."

Half an hour later, Krycek was horizontal again on the couch, and most of his breakfast was gone. C.J. cleaned up and squatted beside the other man, placing a cold cloth over his forehead.

"Listen, I’m gonna take off. I kinda broke up my date last night, and..."

Krycek moved the cloth away from his eyes and blinked at the other man.

"You cut your date short to come over here?"

"Yeah. He was very understanding." C.J. smirked. "He thought my sensitivity to a friend in need was kinda hot."

"So, that’s it," Krycek droned. "You’re not here for me, you’re just looking to get some new tail."

C.J. laughed. "Yeah, that’s it." The smile faded from his face. "Alex...promise me you’re going to think about what I said. Don’t lose Fox because you can’t bring yourself to face up to whatever it is that’s got you spooked."

"I’ve already lost him," Krycek whispered. "Or haven’t you noticed?"

"I don’t believe that. You go to him with the truth about how you’re feeling. Tell him you love him, and you can’t live without him, and he’ll fall back into your arms."

"You reading romance novels in between dungeon sessions again?"

"Just follow my advice, would you? The least you can do is make my death at the hands of that Scully chick count for something. She’s probably staking out the club right now, just waiting for me to come back."

"Be careful, C.J.," Krycek warned. "She’s a nasty little thing when she’s pissed off."

"Great." C.J. started toward the door, stopping when Krycek called to him. He turned to face the other man, who was carefully sitting up. "Yeah?"

"Thank you," Krycek said softly. "If nothing else, it’s good to know that I’ve got a friend."

C.J. pounded twice on his chest and flashed Krycek the peace sign, then he opened the door and walked out, leaving Krycek alone with his throbbing head and a hell of a lot to think about.

"How’re you feeling?"

Mulder stood at the door after Scully had already entered, rubbing his face.

"Peachy. You?"

"Pissed as hell."

"Still?"

"Oh, yeah. I went looking for Krycek last night at that club."

Mulder spun around, ready to say something, but Scully cut him off.

"I know you told me to leave it alone, but I couldn’t, Mulder. Look what he’s done to you. I couldn’t in all good conscience let it go unanswered."

"God." Mulder closed his eyes and leaned up against the wall. "Did you find him?"

"No. Found his buddy C.J., though. He wouldn’t tell me where Krycek was. He didn’t know what had happened, so I gave him the very short version, figuring he’d go to Krycek for the full story, and I’d follow him. I gave him less credit than I should have. He figured that’s what I’d do, and he and some of his friends set a little trap for me."

"What trap?"

"They sent someone to find me, and he told me that Krycek was downstairs and wanted to talk to me. I thought it was true, because the guy couldn’t seem to give a shit whether I went or not. Anyway, I went downstairs to the room he’d told me to go into, and they locked me in."

Mulder stared in silence.

"I was only in there for about ten minutes when they let me out. Just long enough for C.J. to leave. And long enough to get a gander at some of the tools of the trade. Mulder..."

"Did you catch any of them?" Mulder asked quickly, cutting her off.

"The cowards unlocked the door and scattered like mice, so I didn’t catch anyone."

Mulder pushed away from the wall and moved slowly into the living room, where Scully now stood.

"So...are you pissed because they tricked you, or because you didn’t get to rip Alex’s throat out?"

"Both."

Mulder sighed and sank to the sofa, curling up in one corner.

"I’m asking you again, Scully. Leave it alone."

"Aren’t you pissed, Mulder? You should be!"

Mulder shook his head and hid his face in a cushion.

"You’re not under his thumb any more," Scully urged. "React!"

"I am reacting."

"How? By hiding in your couch? You’re a fighter, Mulder! You’re stubborn, and you’re tough and..."

"I’m hurt," Mulder broke in, his voice choked with unshed tears. "Can you understand that, Scully? I feel like my heart’s been ripped out of my chest. I don’t have the energy to be pissed."

Scully groaned and dropped onto the sofa beside her friend. "Okay, Mulder," she said, patting his thigh. "Okay...did you sleep?"

He shook his head slowly.

"Why don’t you try? I’ll be here if you need anything."

"I don’t think I can."

Scully pulled Mulder away from the corner and made him lay his head in her lap. Stroking his hair, she spoke softly to him.

"Close your eyes. Relax. You’ll feel better once you’ve rested."

Mulder closed his eyes and a short while later, did fall deeply asleep.

The room was mostly dark. And warm. Humid like an August night. It was hard to breathe, even harder to see, but he heard.

"We have company today, Alex. Isn’t that nice?"

Three men stepped out of the shadows and surrounded the boy, whose wide, frightened eyes seemed too big for his youthful face.

"No. Please. I don’t want to. No more. Please, no more..."

"We’ve been through this, Alex. Haven’t we?"

"...Yes."

"Are you supposed to speak before you’re spoken to?"

"No."

"May you refuse to do anything I direct you to do?"

"N-no."

"What happens if you do?"

He began to cry.

"What happens, Alex?"

"I spend the night in the basement. Please...I...I don’t want to."

"Now, Alex. If you don’t bother the rats, they won’t bother you."

He sobbed harder.

"Tell you what. If you’re very nice to our company, I’ll consider suspending your punishment."

One of the men stepped forward, and the boy went to him, sniffing back tears.

"I do believe you’ve grown a couple of inches since the last time I was here," the man said, sounding almost like a favorite uncle. "You’re becoming a very handsome young man."

The boy shivered as his hair was ruffled by the meaty hand. "Come with me." The man led him past the other two, whose eyes seemed to bore searing holes into him. They entered a large office, and the man stopped in front of a grand mahogany desk and waited. With trembling hands, the boy began to slowly undress. He kept his eyes to the floor, not wanting to see the hunger in the man’s eyes. When he was naked, he moved forward, stopping in front of the man, who was at least eight inches taller than he was and had to outweigh him by a good hundred and forty pounds.

Breathing heavily, the man unzipped his pants and pushed them down to his knees. The boy felt his gorge rise but fought to keep calm as the man gently pushed on his shoulders. A damp, musty smell emanated from the region of his crotch, and the boy tried not to breathe much as he did what was expected of him.

The man grunted as he pawed the longish sable hair, and the boy tensed as his fingers tightened around the silky strands. He whimpered as the man began to thrust into his mouth, and as he went deeper, the boy gagged and instinctively tried to push away. His frantic actions only served to excite the man, and he held the boy’s head still while he began to buck quickly.

The boy was about to throw up when the man withdrew suddenly and pulled him by his hair to his feet. Shoving him against the desk, he held the boy’s head down to the mahogany surface and drove into him from behind. Pain exploded through the boy’s body, and he bit down on the inside of his mouth until he tasted blood.

"Do you love me, Alex?"

The boy squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

"...Yes."

The man emitted a low, wet growl. "Tell me."

Fighting back tears, the boy opened his mouth, making a pitiful, sobbing sound, then the words wheezed out.

"I...love you."

"Ahhhhh, yes." The man doubled his efforts, pushing the boy hard against the desk, and all at once, it was done. The man lay over him, panting heavily for what seemed to him like an eternity, then he grunted loudly and pulled out with a sickening, squishing sound. The boy felt the fluid the man had pumped into him run out and down his trembling legs.

The man pushed off of him and, pulling his pants up far enough so he could walk, he ambled into the washroom. The boy, still lying on top of the desk, heard the water go on, and a few minutes later, the man came out, fully dressed. His puffy cheeks were flushed, and he smiled down at the boy.

"Go get cleaned up," he said in that uncle voice. "But don’t get dressed. You’re not done yet."

He exited the room, and the boy wrapped his arms around himself, fighting the violent shivers that passed through him. He slid off of the desk and onto the floor, curling up there, not caring that he was sitting in a small puddle of the man’s stuff and his own blood. He was alone. For a moment at least, and he let himself cry...

Krycek opened his eyes, and he was shivering uncontrollably. It had been a very long time since he’d allowed himself to think about the horrors of his adolescence. The memories had left him so debilitated both mentally and physically that it would be days sometimes before he could do anything for himself.

Lying in a miserable heap on the sofa, he tried to struggle back from the darkness. He couldn’t let it take him this time. There was too much to consider. Too much at stake.

Too much to lose.

When Mulder opened his eyes, it was dark. Too dark to see clearly, and he sat up, blinking.

"Scully?"

She had been there. His port in the storm, his best friend...his only friend in the world. She’d been there; cool hand stroking his hair and his cheek, offering comfort and quiet.

But where was she now?"

The toilet flushed, and several seconds later, a widening slat of light swept across the floor. Scully appeared in the hazy yellow band, and she walked softly toward him.

"Welcome back to the living."

"How long..."

"Quite a few hours. It just got dark about twenty minutes ago."

Mulder ran a hand over his face and through his hair. "You been here all this time?"

"Yeah."

He lowered his head. "You didn’t have to do that, Scully. Once I was out, you could have gone."

"I know I could have. But you were pretty restless. I didn’t want you to wake up alone."

Mulder drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Thank you. But you can’t baby sit me forever."

"No, not forever. Just until you feel better." And until I’m sure that Mr.C.J. isn’t going to decide to drop in for a visit.

"That could be a long while, Scully," Mulder muttered, and the woman shrugged.

"I got nothing better to do with my weekends and after work."

"You should," Mulder replied quietly. "You should have a life."

"Well, I don’t have a death, so..."

"You know what I mean, Scully. Get out there. Meet a man. Fall in love... both of you. Be happy forevermore."

"Those things’ll happen, Mulder. When they’re supposed to. They will for you to."

Mulder shook his head.

"That love stuff isn’t meant for me, apparently." He gave his partner a heartbreaking smile. "Have you ever known anybody more pathetic and stupid?"

"Knock it off, Mulder. This sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is doing you absolutely no good. You’re better than this. You’re better than someone like Alex Krycek could ever deserve." Scully came and sat by her partner’s side. "There’s a life out there for you too. But you’ll never find it here, hiding out in your apartment. Don’t do that, okay, Mulder? Take a little time to brood if you must, but then get out there. Get back to your life."

Red-rimmed eyes focused on Scully, and Mulder reached out to caress her jaw.

"You’re a better friend than I deserve." He leaned in and brushed a chaste kiss across her cheek. "Thank you. But now, I really want you to go home. You’ve killed half your weekend sitting here with me, and I insist you go and try to enjoy your night before we get back to the grind tomorrow."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Eventually."

Scully heaved a hard sigh and reached down to slip on her shoes.

"I made you a light dinner. It’s in the fridge. Eat it. "Then go to bed. You look like you could sleep another ten hours."

"I feel like it," Mulder answered, rising to follow Scully to the door. "Thanks again, Scully. You’re always there to catch me."

"Mulder? Are you all right?"

"Yeah." Mulder opened his eyes, which had suddenly snapped shut, and he uttered a shaky sigh. "Yeah, I’m okay."

Scully eyed him suspiciously. "Okay. I’ll see you in the morning. Get some more sleep."

Mulder nodded, watched his partner go, then he shut the door, falling back against it. A couple of deep breaths to steady himself, and he shuffled back to the sofa. Falling onto the cushions, he curled up into as tight a ball as his six-foot frame would allow, and he closed his eyes.

Krycek groped for the ringing phone, moaning and dropping it when he saw C.J.’s name and number on the caller ID.

"Fuck."

He grabbed for the phone and hauled it up to his ear.

"What?"

"Is that how you answer your phone?" C.J. asked. "Well, I suppose I should be happy that you answered it at all."

Silence.

"Good evening. How are you?"

"Great. In fact, I was just on my way out."

"You were?"

"Yeah. There’s an orgy at my neighbor’s down the hall, and I was invited."

"Christ. Come on, Alex."

"Ask a stupid question..."

"Yeah, yeah, my bad. Do any thinking today?"

No answer.

"How was it waking up this morning without him?"

"I don’t want to talk about this, C.J. You called to see how I was. You’ve talked to me. You’ve seen that I’m still alive. So..."

"You sound like shit," C.J. observed. "Did you sleep?"

"Like a baby."

"My ass."

"Why can’t you fucking leave me alone?" Krycek moaned.

"Do I have to go through the whole friend thing with you again? You have to confront whatever this problem is, Alex."

"Don’t tell me what I have to do."

"Somebody has to."

"Listen, C.J. I don’t take orders from anyone, friend or not. I appreciate that you care, but nobody is in control of me but me, you got that?"

"I understand that, Alex, but..."

"I’m glad to hear it," Krycek said, cutting in. "I gotta go now."

"Al...Alex?" C.J. hung up and tossed his phone down. "Shit."

"Pfff. Yeah, right."

Determined to try anyway, C.J. picked up his keys and cell phone and left his apartment. Less than half an hour later, he was pulling up in front of Mulder’s building. Checking his watch as he got out of the car, he cursed the late hour. He entered the building, taking three steps at a time, and when he made it up to Mulder’s apartment, he took a deep breath and knocked.

Mulder’s head jerked up from the sofa cushion, and he stared wide-eyed at the door. His heart thrashed in his chest, and his mouth went dry.

It couldn’t be Scully; she’d only left a little while ago. So...

On suddenly weak legs, he rose up and wobbled to the door. Peeking through the security hole, he moaned softly, paused to get his respiration under control, then he opened the door.

Leaning in the doorway, C.J. stared at subdued man.

"You look as bad as Alex."

Mulder stood in the doorway, not allowing the other man to enter.

"What do you want, C.J.?"

"To talk to you."

Still, Mulder didn’t move.

"You think I could come in for a minute?"

"There’s nothing to talk about."

"You’re here brooding, Alex is at his place brooding...I’d say there was plenty to talk about."

Mulder lowered his head and shook it slowly.

"Fox, please let me in for a bit."

Mulder hesitated for a moment then stepped back. C.J. entered, looking around the almost completely dark room. Mulder trudged up ahead of him and dropped down on the couch.

"I know what happened. Fox," C.J. whispered. "Something’s bugging Alex. And whatever it is, it’s affecting his ability to have the kind of relationship with you that he’s dying to have."

Mulder let out a bitter laugh. "I’ll tell you what’s bugging him. He wanted me to live with him so he could use me at will, but because there was the slightest bit of a possibility that I might have wanted to change things at some point in the future, that was it. I was all done."

"That’s not it," C.J. insisted. "Not at all. There’s something much bigger eating at him."

"Yeah?" Mulder asked, covering his eyes. "What?"

"I don’t know. He won’t tell me. But it’s something. Something bad." C.J. stopped for a minute, studying the other man. "He’d tell you, Fox. I know he would...if you went back to him."

"Forget it," Fox muttered, drawing his hands away from his face. "I’ve been a fool for him too many times already."

"You’ve never been a fool as far as Alex was concerned," C.J. promised him. "I know you told him that you love him. He did not make light of that."

"I’ll bet."

"It’s true. It hit him like a ton of bricks, Fox. He..." Don’t say it. "...He uh...he was wasted last night, you know. Completely blitzed...over you. He’d lost you, and it was killing him. It is killing him. He misses you."

He didn’t know how much more he could say without blurting out the actual words.

"Go talk to him, Fox. Please find out what it is that’s so bad that it’s caused him to screw up what you had."

"I don’t give a shit what his problem is," Mulder said, trying his best to sound cruel.

"You don’t mean that, Fox. It’s the hurt talking. You wear your pain on the outside, my friend. It’s very easy to see."

"I’m not going to tell you I’m not hurt," Mulder answered. "It’d be a flat out lie. But I have to get over it. I can’t let Alex Krycek fuck up the rest of my life. Now...it’s getting late, C.J., and I have to get up for work tomorrow, so if you don’t mind?"

"All right." C.J. turned toward the door with Mulder following at a distance. He turned to face the other man before turning the knob. "Are you really gonna let this die?"

"It’s already dead," Mulder rasped, lowering his eyes. "Krycek killed it."

"Krycek," C.J. repeated. "Great. Well, you go sleep, Fox...if you can. Have a great day at work tomorrow. Have a great life...alone...without the man you love."

Fox shut the door as C.J. moved away from it. Staring at the floor for several seconds, he ran a hand slowly through his hair then shut the light off and walked into his bedroom.

a week later

The couple moved through the dancing mob and found a little table in a far corner of the club. They ordered a couple of drinks then turned their attention to each other.

"You look fabulous tonight," Mick said, "in case I haven’t told you."

C.J. lowered his head and smiled. "Thank you." He lifted his head and trained a smoldering gaze on his date. "So do you. I’ve been waiting all week for this."

"You thought about me this week?"

"How could I not? The things you did to me Monday night were..." C.J. slouched against his chair. "God."

Mick chuckled softly. "It had that much of an impact, huh?"

"Like you wouldn’t believe."

The drinks came, and the couple continued to chat and tease, then the conversation turned.

"Hey, not to change the subject, but how are things going with Alex?"

"Ah, Christ," C.J. moaned. "I don’t know what else to do. I tried talking to him once more on Wednesday...I don’t even think he heard me." He ran his fingers over the rim of the glass that had just been delivered to him. "He’s so fucked up, Mick. And though it’s because of Fox, there’s more to it than that."

"You can’t get him to talk about it?"

"Not a word. It’s so weird to see him like this. All any of us has seen of Alex Krycek is a mysterious, self-assured, arrogant man, who’d probably never known what it was like to not be in control. Fox has turned him inside out and upside down, man."

Mick shook his head. "I feel bad. Here you got two smokin’ hot guys, out of their minds over each other, and they’re going to let what seems to amount to a misunderstanding separate them. You haven’t tried talking to Fox since last Sunday?"

"No. I thought I’d just leave them both alone for a while. Let ‘em brood...have time to really miss each other. Maybe one of them will finally break down and go to the other."

"I hope so," Mick sighed. "I’m a romantic sap at heart, and if these two are as in love with each other as we think, they have to work their way through whatever’s wrong and be together." He smiled at the other man, who was staring intently at him. "What?"

"I’m a romantic too," C.J. murmured. "Something else we have in common."

Mick returned the smile and sipped at his drink.

"Wanna dance?" C.J. asked, still staring.

"Sure." Mick picked up his drink and followed his date out onto the floor.

Krycek sat quietly on the end of his bed, staring at the open closet at the end of the room. He hadn’t touched or looked at the clothing that hung in it until now. He sat a while longer then rose from the bed and moved cautiously toward the closet. He lifted one hand and stroked the charcoal gray suit for a moment before pushing it aside. The blue shirt that hung beside it was next to be caressed.

He loved Fox in blue. It did such wonderful things to those gorgeous, changeable, hazel eyes. His mouth turned into a sad hint of a smile, and he leaned his head against the wooden doorframe.

Beautiful, sweet, passionate, sexy Fox Mulder. His for such a short time. But long enough to leave the unbearable ache he now felt in his heart.

He walked away from the closet, hand clutched to his chest, and he lay face down on the bed, letting the pain have its way with him.

What hurt worse than his own pain was knowing that Fox was feeling the same agony if not more.

"I didn’t mean to," he whispered into the mattress. "I never meant for you to be hurt. What do I do? I don’t know what to do."

C.J. had known. To him the answer had been easy. Go to Fox. Open up. Tell him everything. Not that C.J. knew what everything was. If he did, maybe he wouldn’t think things were so goddamn, fucking easy.

Krycek tried to close his mind to the memory trying to batter its way in, but it won out, plunging him into yet another hellish episode.

The study. The spare light almost entirely blotted out by the thick cigarette smoke. That voice, soft and so matter of fact, giving the teenager his instructions.

"...And don’t let him keep you longer than half an hour. There are three more who’d like the pleasure of your company today, and we’ve important business to attend to later this evening."

Vacant green eyes stared straight ahead as the boy nodded and left the room. He passed down the hall and started upstairs, negotiating the long staircase slowly. Reaching the landing, he turned right and walked silently to the room at the end of the hall. He knocked on the door, and only seconds passed before it opened, and the slack-jowled man he’d known for several years now, leered out at him.

"Well," the man said, eyes roving over the boy’s naked form. "What a surprise." He stepped aside, and the boy entered the room. "A very pleasant surprise. Not to mention a time saver." He undid his pants and sat on the bed. "You know what to do."

Thirty-five minutes later, the boy walked out of the room. Bruised, incredibly sore but dry-eyed, he knocked on another door, and it began again...

In his mind, Krycek saw it all. His body felt every violation as if it were happening to him right then. He felt himself grow cold and begin to shiver as the boy limped back to his tiny room at the back of the house and curled up in the corner of his small bed, trembling and staring at nothing at all.

Mulder lay sprawled on his sofa, the flickering light from the t.v. washing over his half naked body. His hand was on his cock, his eyes were on the television, but his mind was somewhere else.

Alex, so dark and beautiful, walking toward him. The leather duster flowing out behind him like an evil, black river. The heavy thud of his boots, the only sound, and the only color in the torrent of black was the laser green of his eyes. As he drew nearer, Mulder could see an object in his hand. He stopped only a breath away, and he stared silently until Mulder lowered his head. Something smooth and cool slipped around his neck, and he realized that it was his collar. Alex fastened it then clipped a leash on, and he pointed to the floor.

Mulder sank to his knees and watched as long fingers undid the leather pants. His mouth watered as Alex slipped a hand inside and withdrew his swollen cock.

He needed no instruction. Gingerly, he place a hand on either side of the other man’s hips, and he sucked his cock down his throat as far as it would go. Alex started to moan and slowly move his hips, and the fucking phone rang.

Mulder snatched his hand away from his cock, groaning harshly, and he picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Mulder? Why do you sound so out of breath?"

Upset and incredibly frustrated, he told her the truth before he could censor himself.

"I was in the middle of jerking off. Was is it?"

"Jesus."

The distressed whisper brought him back.

"I’m...I’m sorry, Scully. It’s just that..."

"It’s okay, Mulder. Forget it. God knows you could stand to blow off a little steam. I’ll uh...I’ll let you go."

"It’s okay. You kinda ruined the mood now anyway, y’know?"

"Sorry. I was just calling to ask how you were."

"Do you want the generic answer, or do you really want to know?"

"I really want to know."

"I can’t stop thinking about him, Scully. The way he smells, his taste...the feel of him pushing into me..."

Scully gritted her teeth and let him go on.

"...His naked, hot body pressed up against mine...his arms around me...his voice, so low and velvety, whispering the most obscene things in my ear. I need him, Scully." His voice trembled. "I need him bad."

"My God, Mulder, you sound like an addict."

"Now you’re getting it."

"Is there anything I can do to help you over this?"

"No."

"You can’t stay like this, Mulder."

"I don’t think anything but time is going to help. A whole lot of time."

"I don’t understand how it is you’ve become so hooked on him in such a short time."

"It’s always been there, I think. It’s just now that conspiracy’s dead, I’ve got time to think about it." He went quiet for a minute then spoke again. "I never thought I’d say this, but I was better off when the world was in danger from alien invasion."

"The end of that stuff doesn’t automatically negate everything Krycek’s been and done over the years, Mulder. He’s still the same low down, manipulative son of a bitch he was before."

Mulder said nothing.

"But you still want him."

"Wanting isn’t having," Mulder answered. "And I don’t have him. I never will."

They talked for a bit longer, then Mulder hung up. He lay in the flickering light, staring up at the ceiling for a while before closing his eyes and resuming his fantasy.

four days later

Mulder opened up the file that had been sent down from Skinner’s office, and he began to read. Scully watched him, waiting to hear what their latest case was. He betrayed no emotion as he slowly closed the file and set it down.

"Well? What’s this one about?"

"Man found dead in his car on fourteenth street. Not an ounce of blood left in his body. None of it found in, on or around the car."

"How long had he been there?"

"He was found at three a.m."

"Do we know who he is or what he was doing there?"

"His name is Jim Mathers. He was the manager of a club just a few blocks down the street from where he was found. He had left the club at two, according to the people D.C.P.D. had interviewed."

"How the hell does all the blood drop out of a man’s body within the timespan of one hour, and there isn’t a trace of it to be found?"

"Looks like it’s our job to figure that out." Mulder remained in his seat, looking down at the file."

"Well...guess we should go, huh?"

No response.

"Mulder? Is there something else?"

Mulder took a long breath and let it out.

"The club is a gay sex club."

Scully sighed heavily. "You gonna be okay? If you’d rather, I can go on my own."

"No, I...if you’d rather, I can go do the interviews while you do the autopsy."

"As much as I’d prefer not to go at all, I know you feel the same, and I’m not going to let you do it alone. I guess we go together." She gave him a hint of a smile. "We’ll just keep looking straight ahead."

An hour later, the pair walked into the largely deserted club. There was no sound except for the hum of a vacuum cleaner and the clinking of glasses. A well-dressed man stood behind the bar, talking to another, and when the agents approached, both turned to look at them.

The well-dressed man’s eyes went from Mulder to Scully then back to Mulder.

"Can I help you?"

Mulder pulled his badge from the inside breast pocket of his suit and showed it to the man.

"I’m special agent Mulder with the FBI, this is agent Scully. We’re here investigating the death of a Jim Mathers."

"Yeah," the man said softly. "I’m Tai Davis. I own the club." His eyes stayed on Mulder. "Do you know what happened to Jim?"

"No. That’s why we’re here. DC police said that quite a few people in the club last night can confirm that Mr. Mathers didn’t leave here until two o’clock."

"That’s right. Unfortunately, I’m not one of them. I’d left a couple of hours before that. But Shane was here."

"Who’s Shane?"

"An employee. He’s here now. I’ll call him up, and you can talk to him."

Mulder nodded, and the man gave him one more lingering look before turning away.

"Okay, he wasn’t too obvious, was he?" Scully asked as she and Mulder waited.

Mulder said nothing. He looked up and around, surveying his surroundings.

This club wasn’t as large as the other, but the setup was quite similar. The familiarity of it struck a chord deep within Mulder, dredging up thoughts he’d really rather not have. He closed his eyes for a moment then opened them, and what he saw coming toward him made his heart skip a beat.

A well-built man in tight leather. Olive skin, dark hair and eyes. The man more prowled than walked in his direction, and he was reminded of the way Alex moved. He took a deep breath and met the almost black eyes as the man stopped in front of them.

"I’m Shane," the man said, directing his words to Mulder. "You asked to speak to me?"

"Agents Mulder and Scully. You were here last night when Jim Mathers left?"

"I was here. I saw him leave." Shane crossed his arms over his chest, sparing Scully a fleeting glance before refocusing on Mulder. "I heard that all the blood was drained out of his body. Do you know what happened?"

"Not yet," Mulder answered. "What was he doing before he left?"

Shane shrugged. "He was in the office, filling out the order forms for liquor."

"You know this for sure?" Scully asked, watching Shane watching Mulder.

"Yeah," Shane answered without looking at her. "I was there too, checking my schedule."

"What is it exactly that you do here, Mr....Shane?"

Shane took a long, deep breath, his gaze burning into Mulder’s. "I’m in customer...relations."

"Customer relations," Scully repeated. "Yes. Well...did he leave after that?"

Shane glanced her way then his eyes went right back to Mulder. "Yeah. He put his work away, picked up his stuff, and said goodnight."

"So, you didn’t really see him leave the club?" Mulder asked after he’d cleared his throat.

"I didn’t see him go out the front door," Shane said, "but he gathered up his things and said goodnight."

"I agree it sounds as though he left, but we don’t know that for absolutely sure. Do you know of anyone who saw him get into his car and leave?"

"No. You’re going to have to check around, I guess."

Mulder nodded and reached into his pocket. Withdrawing a card, he held it out to the other man. Shane stared for a moment more then reached out to take the card, making sure his fingers brushed Mulder’s.

"Please contact us if there’s anything more you remember."

"I certainly will do that, Agent Mulder."

Scully couldn’t help but think there was more implied in those words than anyone was letting on.

Shane stalked away, and Mulder turned to face Scully.

"Let’s talk to the few people who are here then go down to the police station."

A while later, the pair was walking back out into the sunlight.

"So, people saw him leave but no one saw him get into his car."

"But he did, obviously," Scully said.

"Yeah. Question is, did he do it before or after he was exsanguinated?"

Scully sighed and walked on. Then she changed the subject.

"That Shane was a piece of work, wasn’t he?"

"What d’you mean?"

"He was like...a walking advertisement for sex. And he sure had his eye on you."

Mulder said nothing.

"I suppose you didn’t notice that predatory gleam in his eye."

Again, nothing.

So, he either thought nothing of it, or he thought plenty of it and was just too uncomfortable to discuss it.

Without another word on the subject, the couple continued on to the police station.

The elevator door opened, and C.J. made his way down the long hall toward Krycek’s apartment. He stopped in front of the door marked ninety-five and knocked softly. When there was no answer, he rang the bell. Before he could call out, the door opened, and Krycek appeared. A blank stare met his eyes, and he stepped in past the other man.

"I’m here to get you the hell out of this apartment. Let’s go get some dinner."

Krycek ignored him and wandered into the living room, looking out the picture window.

"Okay, fine. How about take out?"

"I already ate."

"What’d you have?"

"Food."

"God, what a pain in the...how about a movie?"

No answer.

"Couple of hands of gin? Go fish?"

Zip.

"How’ve you been sleeping, Alex? From those red rims around your eyes, my guess would be not very well. You haven’t contacted him, have you?"

"Why would I?"

"Oh, I don’t know. So you can sleep? Eat? Live again?"

And again, nothing.

"Go to him, Alex." C.J. turned and walked to the door. "Do it. Before it’s too late for one or both of you."

Krycek heard the door open and close, but he continued to stare out the window.

"You don’t get it, do you, C.J.? It’s already too late."

Mulder lay sprawled over his desk, a half-drunk glass of milk and a barely eaten ham sandwich by his arm. He’d spent every waking moment of the last two days reviewing the information of his last case and come up with absolutely nothing so far. He was exhausted, but he was busy, and that was what he wanted. It was what he needed to do to keep his mind occupied.

The ringing cell phone startled him, and his head jerked up off of the desk. Groping around the cluttered surface, he found the phone under some papers, and he pulled it up to his ear.

"Mldr."

There was a brief silence then a low, husky voice sounded.

"Agent Mulder."

Mulder froze. "...Yes?"

"It’s Shane. You remember me?"

"Yes, I...do you have some information for me?"

"I’m sorry, I don’t, but...I’ve been thinking about you."

Mulder shifted uncomfortably.

"W-what about?"

"Please tell me if I’m out of line, but...I saw something in you the other day. It interested me very much."

"...What would that be?"

"Call it a need. I think I might be able to help you with it."

Mulder said nothing.

"Your silence tells me a lot. I’ll be at the club Saturday night. If you’re interested, put something appropriate on and come down. You can use the back entrance on Welsely."

"I...it’s late, and I’ve still got work to do."

"I’ll let you go, then. Hope to see you on Saturday."

There was a soft click, and Mulder took a shuddering breath and placed the phone down. He sat staring at his hands for a long while, then he picked up the paperwork he’d been sleeping on and read it over for the tenth time.

Saturday

"What, no Mick tonight?"

C.J. smirked at the man who’d just come into the room as he readied his tools.

"Later. Gotta work to do."

"Ah. Well, I gotta go. Got a couple coming in, in a little while."

"’Kay. See you later."

C.J. finished preparing and, putting his game face on, he let the client in.

The man shuffled in, glancing once at the big bald man with the stone face.

"Strip," C.J. said, "Then go over there and face the wall."

The man followed his instructions, and he looked over the skinny, naked body, shaking his head as he snapped his leather gloves at the wrists.

"What’s your name?"

"Stu."

"Stu." Picking up a ball gag and a paddle, he walked over to the man. "Okay, Stuey...let’s go over the rules..."

Shane sat quietly at the table in the virtually empty employees lounge. The smoke from his cigarette swirled around his head. He flicked the ashes into the tray in front of him then looked up as the door behind him opened. Staring straight ahead, he waited until the person who’d entered stopped behind him, then he rose to his feet and turned around.

"So, I wasn’t wrong."

Mulder stood before the other man, dressed in leather pants and a black tank. He kept his eyes averted and said nothing.

"I knew there was something damn sexy lurking under that suit." He back up a step. "Let’s go."

Mulder looked at him. "Where?"

"Into the club."

"I..."

"It’s okay." Shane gave him another smirk. "It’s like on that commercial. What happens in the club, stays in the club."

Mulder sucked the corner of his lower lip into his mouth and chewed on it thoughtfully.

"Anybody ever tell you that you’ve got an amazing mouth?"

Mulder lowered his eyes.

"No games, Agent Mulder. I see you in a harness and chains at my feet. Doing everything and anything I tell you to." Shane raised one dark eyebrow. "You up for it?"

Mulder’s heart pounded.

Mulder lifted his eyes to the other man’s, and he nodded.

"Say, yes, master."

Mulder’s lower lip twitched. "Yes...master."

Chuckling softly, Shane turned and started toward the door.

"Let’s go."

The couple stood fused together, barely moving to the music. All around them, similar couples writhed against each other, kissing and groping.

"I love this song," C.J. murmured, and Mick nodded his agreement as the other man’s hand roved up and down his back. "It turns me on."

"What doesn’t turn you on?" Mick asked, amused.

C.J. was about to answer when he felt an urgent tap on his shoulder. He turned around, and the anxious face of his friend Lucas met his gaze.

"I’m sorry to bother you, but I thought you’d want to know. I was over at The Board Room, you know, just to see what was going on, and...C.J., Fox was there."

C.J. came to an abrupt halt and turned to fully face the man.

"What’d you say?"

"He’s there. And he was with someone."

C.J. cocked his head and gave the other man a suspicious look.

"What d’you mean, he was with someone?"

"You know Shane?"

"Not personally, but I’ve seen him, and I’ve heard some stuff. He chews men up and spits ‘em out, doesn’t he?"

Staring, Lucas nodded, and C.J.’s jaw dropped.

"No. Oh, fuck no."

"Oh, fuck yeah. I’ve seen how he treats subs. Believe me, we don’t want Fox around him."

C.J. rubbed at his forehead. "I understand, but...he’s a big boy, Lucas. I’ve tried talking to him. He didn’t listen. I don’t know what else we can do."

"We can go over there and drag him out."

C.J. looked to Mick in surprise.

"Well, we could try."

"I don’t know, babe. Fox is about as stubborn as Alex. He just might dig in his heels or do something he might not have been planning to do, just to show us that we can’t push him around."

"Somebody’s gotta get him out of there," Lucas fretted, "or he will be doing more than he’d planned...a lot more."

"Is this Shane that bad?" Mick asked, winding an arm around C.J.’s waist.

"Worse. He doesn’t take no for an answer. Or stop, or no more, or I’ve had enough, or...do you get what I’m saying?"

"We gotta get him out of there, C.J.," Mick said. "I mean, I’ve never met the man, but I can’t stand the thought of anyone being taken advantage of or hurt. And if he’s a friend of yours, he’s gotta be worth the effort. Now, what are we gonna do?"

C.J. rested his folded hands on top of his head and thought.

"I don’t...everything I think of ends with Fox digging himself into a deeper hole. There’s only one person I know of who can get him out of there."

"Go talk to him, C.J.," Lucas said. I’ll go back over there and keep my eye on them."

"I’ll go with you," Mick told Lucas. He planted a brief kiss on C.J.’s lips then waved him off. "Go. And don’t take no for an answer."

"Easier said than done," C.J. muttered as he turned and stormed off.

"Whoa. Nice pet, Shane. Where’d you get him?"

"He just sort of wandered into my yard," Shane murmured, stroking the hair of the man kneeling by his seat.

"Shit," the other man grinned. "I’m gonna leave my gate open and see what strays in. Hey, uh...you break him in yet?"

"Not yet."

"Hmm." The man looked Mulder over. "Feeling generous tonight? Buddy?"

"Oh, like you were feeling generous when you had that cute little blonde last week?"

"I told ya, he was shy."

"Uh huh."

"Come on, Shane. I promise, I’ll share with you for the next month if you let me in on this one."

Mulder forgot all about his aching knees when he heard what Shane’s friend had just said. He turned a shocked stare from one man to the other, and Shane turned to him.

"Not up for groups, Fox? That’s a shame. See, my mom taught me that I should always share my good fortune with others."

"Oh, yeah," the other man growled, reaching out to skim Mulder’s jaw with his fingers. "We’re gonna have a good time, sweet thing."

Mulder’s eyes closed, and he tried to take a steadying breath. Unbidden, images of Alex came into his mind, and his lower lip began to quiver.

"Hey, Shane. Brad. What’s up?"

"Carly! Where you been, man?"

"Here and there. What’ve you two been up to?"

"Nothin’ much." The man named Brad pointed to Shane’s newest acquisition. "Shane’s got a new one."

Carl cocked his head and squinted at Mulder, whose head was again bowed. "Something about him looks familiar. Lemme see his face."

Shane slipped his fingers under Mulder’s jaw and lifted his head. Carl’s eyes widened.

"I knew he looked familiar." He repeatedly jabbed his finger in Mulder’s direction. "You know Alex?"

Mulder’s heart immediately started to thrash.

"Alex, who hangs out at the place on seventh sometimes?" Tall, green eyes...fucking fine?"

"That’s him. This was his slave. His name is Fox, right?"

"Right." Shane raised his eyebrow. "So. What happened, Fox? Why aren’t you his any more?"

Carl started to laugh. "I was there, man. I couldn’t hear everything that was said, but something happened, and Fox here gave Alex a rash of shit. Took his collar off and flung at Alex and stormed out."

Shane grinned at Fox. "Really?  How interesting. I don’t know much about Alex, but I’d heard he was a real bad-ass. Guess all the hype was just that, huh?"

Mulder kept his head down and said nothing.

"So...you’re hard to handle. This should be fun, then. I promise you, Fox, that you will not misbehave with me. You see, it’s all a matter of control." Shane looked to the newest arrival. "You got any place to be, Carl?"

"Nope. Why?"

"I was going to take Fox in the back and get started, and Brad was going to join us. How ‘bout it?"

Carl perked up. "Sure. Love to."

"Cool" Shane ran his fingers through Mulder’s hair and tightened them in the thick fringe at the base of his neck. "Hear that, Fox? Looks like we’ve got us a party."

"Christ, not again."

Krycek shuffled out of the kitchen and went to the door. Looking through the peephole, he groaned.

"What, C.J.?"

"Alex, I gotta talk to you."

"I’m tired of hearing it, okay? Just go away."

"No. You don’t understand, Alex. This is important. Really important."

Krycek sighed and unlocked the door. As soon as he opened it, C.J. barreled in.

"What’s so important that you’re here on a Saturday night instead of somewhere playing hide the salami with your boyfriend?"

"It’s Fox."

"Dammit, C.J..."

"No. You don’t get it, Alex. This is bad. He’s in trouble."

That got Krycek’s attention.

"What do you mean?"

"He’s at The Board Room."

Krycek’s jaws clenched, but he refused to bite.

"And?"

"He’s not alone."

Krycek suffered the knife through his heart in silence.

"You know that asshole Shane?"

"...Yeah?"

"He’s got his hooks in Fox, Alex."

The hair stood up on the back of Krycek’s neck, and he fought to stay cool.

"What has that got to do with me?"

"What do you mean, what’s that got to do with you?"

"Just that, C.J. What Fox does and who he choses to keep company with is none of my business."

"The fuck it isn’t! You know Shane’s rep. You know what he does!"

Krycek’s fingers dug into his palms.

"Fox is well able to take care of himself. Shane can’t do anything to him that he doesn’t want him to..."

C.J.’s cell phone rang, and he answered it quickly.

"...What’s going on, Lucas? ... What? Ah, fuck. Okay. Okay. See what you can do to get back there....I’m trying. Yeah. Call me back."

C.J. disconnected and gave Krycek a pleading look.

"That was Lucas. Shane and two other guys just took Fox into the back. Alex...please. I know you think Fox can take care of himself, and maybe that’s true under ordinary circumstances. But against three of them, and in his frame of mind...Alex, whether you believe this or not, he is still way strung out over you. If you don’t get down there, something really bad is going to happen."

Krycek plunged a hand into his hair and turned away from C.J.

He was right. Every day he saw Fox in his mind the way he looked that day at the restaurant. The excruciating pain in those beautiful eyes. He heard the profound hurt in Fox’s voice as he told Krycek to leave him alone, and he fled the parking lot. He knew there was no way in hell that Fox was over it, and knew the things that could happen when he wasn’t thinking clearly.

C.J. jumped back as Krycek whirled around to face him.

"Go. I’ll be right behind you. Tell your spies that if they let anything happen to him in the meantime, you’ll all have me to answer to."

Breathing a sigh of relief, C.J. ran out and left Krycek to quickly prepare for his visit to The Board Room.

"Hey. Where you two going?"

Mick and Lucas stopped short as a mountain of a man stepped in front of them.

"We uh...have an appointment."

"Yeah?" What’re your names?"

"We’re not on the list," Mick said quickly. "It was sort of a last minute thing."

"That right? And who’s this appointment with?"

"...Shane."

"Now I know you’re lying. Shane is busy the rest of the night. Get the hell out of here."

"Come on," Lucas pleaded. "We just want a little time." He reached into his back pocket, withdrawing his wallet. "What’s it worth to you?"

"Are you trying to bribe me?"

"Maybe. Would it work?"

"Last guy who tried to bribe me ended up in traction for a month."

"Okay, maybe not." Lucas looked at his anxious companion and motioned to him with a short toss of his head. They moved away from the man and began to whisper to each other.

"What the hell are we going to do?" Mick asked. "There’s no way we’re going to get by him."

Lucas pounded at his forehead with his fist as if it would help him think.

"Maybe...maybe we can do something out here. Y’know, start some sort of ruckus that’ll put a halt to whatever’s going on back there."

"That’s an idea. Okay, what?"

"We could start a small fire in the men’s room."

"Are you nuts?"

"All right, never mind. Uh...ah, shit, Alex is gonna skin us if we don’t do something."

"So, what you’re saying is, no matter what we do, we’re gonna wind up dead," Mick said.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Great. Well, let’s flip a coin. Heads, we try to get in there and get killed by the mountain over there, or tails, we sit tight, hope for the best and get killed by this Alex if anything happens to Fox."

Lucas was about to pull a coin out of his pocket when C.J. arrived.

"Oh, God. Thank God." Mick threw himself against C.J. "Tell me he’s here."

"He’s right behind me. What’s going on?"

"We got a bit of a problem." Lucas pointed toward the entrance to the back room. "You see that?"

"Holy Christ, he’s huge."

"He’s sitting down," Mick informed his lover. "Wait till he stands up."

"God. He won’t let you back there?"

"No. You got any ideas?"

C.J. drew a deep breath and let it out. "Yeah. You two go distract him, and I’ll sneak by."

"How?" Lucas asked, staring wide-eyed at the guard.

"I don’t...pretend to have a fight. Push and shove each other around. Maybe that’ll get his attention just long enough for me to slip past."

"This ought to be fun," Lucas moaned. "Let’s go, Mick."

C.J. moved out of sight as the other two came within earshot of the guard.

"...You promised me!"

"Well, what can I do? I tried! You saw I tried."

"You didn’t try hard enough! You’re nothing but a lying prick!"

"Hey, listen. You’re hot and all, but I don’t need to take that kind of shit from you."

"Oh, no?" What’re you gonna do about it?"

"Let me show you."

The big man jumped out of his chair and ambled over to the fighting men.

"I’ve had about enough of you two." He grabbed one then the other by the backs of their necks. "Time to go."

As he started dragging Mick and Lucas away, he caught sight of C.J. out of the corner of his eye, making a beeline for the back.

"Fuck. He dropped the other two and went after C.J., who’d almost made it to the closed door.

"What the fuck do you think you’re doing?"

C.J. was a large man, but he was eclipsed by the moving mass in front of him. Still, he gave off all the attitude he could.

"Listen, Kong. A friend of mine is in there, and I have every reason to believe that there are things being done to him that he really doesn’t want. Now. Do I go around you, or do I go through you?"

Most other people would have been properly intimidated and done exactly what he’d asked. This man apparently didn’t care what most other people would have done.

Just as he was about to answer C.J.’s challenge, a low, menacing voice sounded behind him.

"Boys? Do you think you could take this outside? Fights in the club are bad for business."

Sweat prickled and rolled off of every part of Mulder as Shane held the lit candle over his testicles. The hot wax dripped off and hit with a sizzle, and the veins in his neck stood out as he groaned harshly around the too-big ball gag.

Don’t fight the pain, Fox," Shane cooed. "Embrace it. Let it envelop you."

"It’s ready, Shane," Carl’s voice sounded from somewhere on the other side of the room.

"Good. Bring it here."

Mulder couldn’t turn his head far in the full body restraints, but his eyes found Carl as he came closer. He handed a large needle to Shane, and then what looked like a tiny barbell.

"God, this fucking turns me on," Brad panted. "I don’t know how much longer I can hold it."

Shane chuckled. "So impatient. Okay, you can have him first, but I get a part of your action for the next two months."

"You got it. God, hurry up and do it."

Mulder’s eyes snapped shut, and he screamed around the gag as the needle passed through his left nipple. The barbell followed right after, and Shane screwed the ball in place.

"Pretty. You’re mine now, Fox," he murmured then flicked at the other nipple. "We’ll do your other one next weekend. "Okay, Brad. Do your thing."

Cackling, Brad moved in. But before he could lay a hand on Mulder, the door slammed open.

Furious green eyes quickly took in the scene, and the man belonging to them emitted an enraged snarl as he went right for Shane. The other two men backed away and tried to flee the room, but C.J. was there, back up by Mick and Lucas.

"What the...how’d you..."

It was all he could get out before Krycek slammed him brutally against the wall.

"You’re going to need a new watchdog. That one’s going to be out of commission for a while."

Shane’s eyes widened in fear. "Listen, Alex. I...I didn’t..."

"Oh, you know who I am? Then you know who you’ve got here, don’t you?" He moved in closer. So close, Shane could feel his breath fanning his mouth. "And you know what I’m going to do to you."

Shane stumbled behind Krycek as he was dragged over to the wall. Lucas ran over and helped him cinch the stunned man up. Krycek forced a huge ball gag into his mouth then turned to tend to Mulder while the other three restrained Shane’s friends similarly.

"Fox," Krycek whispered, his voice breaking when he saw what the men had done to him. "Oh, God." Gently, he removed the gag then released Fox from the restraints. Shivering from cold and shock, Mulder wrapped his arms around himself and lowered his face, unable to look at Krycek.

Krycek removed his leather duster and wrapped it around Mulder, tenderly petting the other man’s head before turning his full fury on Shane.

"Look, Alex," Carl croaked, speaking for his gagged friend. "Shane asked him. He had the chance to leave, and he didn’t. You got no call to be pissed of with us."

"Shut up," Krycek hissed. Picking up the needle Shane had used on Fox, he whirled around and stalked over to Shane. Not bothering to remove his glove, he grasped the other man’s nipple between his thumb and forefinger. Yanking it away from the terrified man’s body, he shoved it through. The scream that tore from Shane’s throat filled the room, and C.J. turned around quickly to make sure no one from the front of the club had heard. When he was sure no one had, he shut the door and stood in front of it.

"How’s that feel?" Krycek spat, his eyes blazing with hatred. "You like that motherfucker?" He backhanded the sobbing man so hard, it practically knocked him unconscious. "Isn’t this fun?" He stepped back and turned an evil glare on the other two. "I think your friends are jealous. You wanna play too?"

"No," Carl whimpered pathetically. "No, please. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t..."

"The fuck you didn’t," C.J. said. "You’ve been at our club. You’ve seen them together."

"Is that right?" Krycek asked, looking at the man with new interest. "And you let him do this? You took part in it?"

"No! No, I swear. I was just...I didn’t do anything."

"You were here. That’s enough."

Krycek showed Shane’s friends no mercy. When he was through, they wore similar wounds to that of their cohort, and Carl had passed out from the pain.

"Damn, he’s an evil bastard," Mick whispered to C.J., who nodded eyes glowing with admiration.

"Now you understand what I meant when I told you that he was out of mind in love with Fox?"

"He can do this, but he can’t say the words to the man?" Mick shook his head. "He’s definitely got some issues."

When Krycek was finished, he bundled Fox up in his coat, threatened to kill all three of the men he’d just fucked up if they so much as breathed in Fox’s direction again, and the group left, exiting through the back.

As Krycek gently settled Mulder into his car, he turned to the group and thanked them.

"No problem, man," C.J. said as the other two backed away. He handed Mulder’s clothes to Krycek. "Just take care of him. And when he’s better, get this shit straightened out. Please."

Krycek took a long breath and walked around to the driver’s side of the car. He climbed inside the small compartment and looked over at Mulder, who sat with his face buried in the leather coat. Even through the leather, Krycek could see that he was still shivering. He turned the heat on, warming the interior to a toasty eighty-five degrees and, running his hand once more over Mulder’s head, he started for home.

The first thing Mulder felt when he awoke was pain. He moaned softly and rolled onto his right side, drawing his knees up to his chest. He went still as the feeling that he was not alone, struck him. Slowly, his eyes opened, and the first thing his glazed eyes focused on was Alex’s face, drawn tight with concern. The memory of what Shane and his friends had done to him came flooding back, and he closed his eyes and buried his face in the pillow...Alex’s pillow.

He sat up quickly, and the room began to spin. Whimpering aloud, he squeezed his eyes shut again and lifted his hands to his head. The agony of that single action lanced through his left pec, and he felt himself falling. Before he could hit the pillow, he felt warm, strong arms come around him and guide him gently back to the mattress.

It took several minutes before he could gather enough strength to speak, and when he did, it was in a soft and breathless voice.

"Why am I here?"

"Because you needed someone to take care of you, and I didn’t think you’d want Scully to know what happened."

"How did you know what happened?"

"A little birdie told me."

Mulder managed to squeeze some bitterness into his tone. "So, you just had to ride in to my rescue."

Krycek kept his tone even and emotionless. An enormous task, for all the emotion he was feeling at the moment.

"You’re welcome."

Mulder said nothing.

"What were you doing, Fox?"

"What’d it look like?"

"It looked like you were being reckless yet again because you were hurting, and you didn’t know how else to handle the pain. Tell me. Does creating another pain really do anything to cover up the one you already feel?"

"Fuck you."

Krycek lowered his head and clasped his hands together.

"Fox...we need to talk. Not now. Now, you need to rest. Maybe tomorrow you’ll feel a little better, and we can..."

"Like hell," Mulder muttered again, trying to get up. The sheet fell away from his chest, and Krycek’s gaze went to the bar through his red and swollen nipple. His jaw clenched, and his eyes closed as another wave of pain and anger washed over him.

He should have killed the fuckers. He should have, he...

Mulder looked down at the reminder of his night with Shane and the boys, and a shudder of humiliation ran through him. Unscrewing the ball, he took a deep breath and pulled the bar out. His loud sobs opened Krycek’s eyes, and he flew to the bed when he saw what Mulder had done.

"Jesus, Fox." He pulled the hardware from Mulder’s grip and whipped it across the room. "Lie back."

Mulder went down without a fight, and he lay in a trembling heap as Krycek got up and hurried into the bathroom. He returned quickly with an armful of first aid supplies and a glass of water. He tended to the older man’s wound as he crooned softly to him.

"It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. Sit up a little so you can take these painkillers, all right?"

Too overwhelmed to put up any more of a struggle, Mulder obeyed then lay back quietly, letting Krycek take care of him. By the time the younger man had finished, he was asleep.

Krycek smoothed the sheet around the unconscious man then gathered up his supplies and returned them to the bathroom. Upon his return, he doused all the lights but one, and he sank into the chair he had pulled up to the bed. Watching Mulder until his eyes grew too heavy to remain open any more, he let them close, and he slipped into sleep.

"Nnnnnnh."

Mulder opened his eyes, blinking in the filtered sunlight, and he groaned again as he shifted in the big bed.

His nipple was on fire, his balls were incredibly sore, and he hated himself for being so goddamned fucking stupid last night.

Then he remembered where he was.

He struggled into a sitting position, and the first thing he saw was not what he’d expected.

"C.J."

"The one and only. How’re you feeling, partner?"

"Like death. What’re you doing here?"

"Keeping an eye on you while Alex goes to the store. All he had in his fridge was a carton of two week old milk and some hairy grapes."

"I hope he’s not shopping on my account," Mulder murmured. "I won’t be staying."

"You’re not going anywhere until you’re better, and you two talk."

"Don’t start with me, C.J. I’m not in the mood."

"Yeah, well, guess what? Neither am I. You know what we went through last night to get you away from that fucker? Do you know what would have happened to you if we hadn’t?"

Mulder sighed. "Listen, C.J...I’m sorry you got dragged into that. Thank you. I do appreciate what you did for me."

"How about Alex? Do you appreciate what he did?"

"I guess you were his little birdie."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"You should have seen the look on his face when he found out what was happening. There was murder in his eyes, Fox. I don’t know how with it you were last night, but let me tell you what happened. First, he chopped Shane’s guard dog down, then he fucked Shane and his friends over worse than they’d done to you. I promised you they won’t be piercing anyone else ever again." C.J. stared at Mulder. "And why do you think he did all that? What do you think made him so crazy?"

Mulder said nothing, but from the expression on his face, C.J. could tell he was thinking.

"Don’t leave here without talking to him, Fox. There are things he needs to tell you. I don’t know what they are, because he won’t open up to me. But I know that it’s pretty heavy. And I know it’s got something to do with why he said what he did that night at the restaurant. He’ll tell you. I know he will. He wants to. It’s just really hard for whatever reason.

"He’s always there for you when you need him, Fox. Be there for him now."

Krycek returned home two hours after he had left. Carrying six bags of groceries into the kitchen, he set everything down and went into the bedroom to check on Mulder. He peeked in cautiously and found the older man sitting up and alert and talking to C.J.

"How long have you been seeing him?"

"A few weeks. I really like him. He’s thoughtful, and he’s sweet, and he’s hot."

"Always a help."

C.J. smiled. "Yeah. And very caring. He was there last night, you know. He threw in without a thought, and he doesn’t even know you."

"Thank him for me," Mulder murmured. "And Lucas."

"I will. I’d like for you to meet Mick one day. He’d sure like to meet you."

Krycek cleared his throat and entered the room, glancing Mulder’s way before turning to his friend.

"I stopped at that little luncheonette on the corner and picked up some sandwiches if you’re hungry. They’re in the kitchen with the groceries."

"Yeah." C.J. glanced from Mulder to Krycek. "Yeah, I’m starved. Thanks. Fox, you want anything?"

Mulder shook his head. "No. Thanks."

"Alex?"

"Nah."

"Okay. Well, I’ll be in the kitchen should either of you change your mind."

C.J. quickly took his leave, and the two men were alone, neither one looking at the other.

"How do you feel?" Krycek croaked softly, looking down at his shoes.

"Pretty sore," Mulder answered in an equally raspy voice.

"Are you sure you’re not hungry? I could..."

"I’m not," Mulder cut in. "M-maybe later."

Krycek nodded and said nothing.

"C.J. told me what you did last night...to Shane and those other guys."

Krycek shrugged and looked away.

"They’re assholes who deserved what they got."

There was silence for a while, then Mulder spoke again.

"It seems like you’re always coming to my rescue. How is that? Why is that?"

"Because you seem to always need rescuing, I guess."

More silence.

"C.J. told me something else." Mulder stopped and shifted uncomfortably. "He said that you had something on your mind...something that has to do with what happened that day at the restaurant, and you really need to get it off your chest...and...and that it was me you needed to tell it to."

If C.J. hadn’t been such a big help to him, Krycek would have snapped his neck.

"Is that true?"

"...Yes. But...it’s a long, drawn out, complicated story. I need to go get those groceries put away then take care of your wound. Then we’ll talk if you’re up to it...is that okay?"

Mulder nodded and Krycek backed away, slipping out the door as quietly as he’d arrived. Moving into the kitchen, he snapped quietly at C.J. the moment he was through the door.

"You couldn’t keep your mouth shut, could you?"

"Was he as hostile toward you as he has been?"

"...No."

C.J. folded his arms across his chest and gave Krycek a self-righteous arch of his eyebrows. Krycek said no more. He spun around and began to put the groceries away while C.J. finished his sandwich.When he finished, he made up a tray for Mulder.

"Is he hungry?"

"No, but I’m hoping the sight of food will tempt him."

"What about you?"

"I’ll eat."

"Sometime today would be nice."

Sighing heavily, Krycek put the tray down and picked up the sandwich he had bought for himself. Eating half of it, he wrapped the other half back up and raised his hands.

"Okay?"

"I’m sure it’s more than you’ve been eating, so..."

Krycek picked the tray up again, and C.J. pushed away from the table.

"I’ll get out of your hair now, but I’ll call later to see how you’re doing."

"I’m sure you will...C.J."

The other man stopped at the door and turned to face Krycek.

"Thanks."

Smiling, C.J. walked out, leaving Krycek alone with Mulder and a whole boatload of anxiety.

Taking a deep breath, he headed into the bedroom. Mulder was lying on his side, eyes closed, and Krycek thought he might have gone back to sleep until the long, golden-brown lashes lifted, and Mulder’s eyes searched him out.

"I brought your lunch in case you get hungry."

Mulder nodded and watched Krycek set the tray down on the dresser. He struggled to sit up, and Krycek rushed to help him. He allowed the other man’s touch, and when he was seated comfortably, Krycek retrieved the things he needed from the bathroom to take care of his wound.

Gently, Krycek cleansed the area and examined it before applying the antibiotic ointment. Mulder winced, and he jerked his hand away, apologizing softly. When he finished, he moved everything to the dresser and took a seat in the chair.

"Let me know when you want to eat."

"Umm...I...I guess I could eat a little right now," Mulder said, and Krycek was up in an instant, getting the tray. He watched the other man eat a third of the sandwich, drink down all of the water with the pills he’d laid beside the glass, then he removed the tray and sat quietly.

"Do you want to talk now?"

Krycek chewed on his lip for long moments then cleared his throat.

"There’s something...something I’ve kept buried for a very long time. Something I’d never planned to tell anyone. Ever. But I never... you weren’t in my plans either, Fox. But all of a sudden there you were, and it all got so complicated."

Mulder listened quietly.

"It’s come back to me recently. Since you’ve been gone, and...I...I can’t...I can’t........handle it...alone. I can’t tell you how tough that is to admit, but...I have to. I don’t like my life without you in it, and telling you the absolute truth is my only chance to make you understand."

His heart thudding heavily, Mulder waited. And waited. So much time went by in fact, that he thought Krycek had changed his mind. But then the younger man began to speak. And the tone of his voice was so tortured, it frightened Mulder.

"I grew up in an orphanage. I came there as an infant. I was told that both my parents died in some kind of accident, and..." He shrugged. "It was the only life I knew.

"I had friends. We lived together, played together, went to school together. Thinking back, they were more like my brothers. Anyway, one day the nuns told us that a man was coming. He wanted to adopt a little boy, and three of my friends and I were within the age range he’d specified. We were shocked. No one ever adopted bigger kids. They always went for the babies.

"We were excited, and we were scared, and we promised each other that if he picked one of us, the rest of us would be so happy for him, and we’d never, ever lose touch.

"The man came later that day. He looked us all over, talked to us a little, but I noticed he took special interest in me. So did the others. They kept telling me that I was the one he was going to pick, but I couldn’t let myself believe it. I’d resigned myself to the fact that I’d never be adopted.

"Two days later, one of the sisters came and told me to get ready. The man was coming for me that afternoon. I remember standing there long after she left, just staring. My friends flocked all around me, slapping me on the back and congratulating me. They envied me, they’d miss me, but they were so happy. I packed my little rags and was ready when he came.

"I walked out the front gate with him, and I remember how my jaw dropped when I saw the long black car waiting at the curb. Not only did I suddenly have a father, but he was rich to boot.

"We got into the car, and my excitement turned into discomfort. He didn’t talk. Didn’t say a word to me. He just sat there, puffing on his cigarette and staring at me. When we got to his house, he got out of the car first and finally talked. He welcomed me home and led me up to the front door. It was such a big place. So quiet. Like there was nobody else there. But a few minutes after we walked in, a man in a dark suit appeared. My new ‘father’ told him to show me to my room, get me settled, then bring me to his study.

"I remember the stench of smoke hitting me in the face when I opened the door and walked in to that room. He was there sitting behind this big desk. He put that cigarette out, lit up another one and told me to sit down.

"The other man left, and he asked me if I was hungry. I told him I was, a little, and he said I could get something to eat in the kitchen when he was through talking to me. For the next hour at least, he gave me a period of instruction on my duties. By the time he finished, I felt more like I was there as hired help than a son."

"I spent my days alone in a classroom with an impatient teacher, who believed strongly in corporal punishment as a means of encouraging me to learn. When my homework was done, I helped out in the kitchen, mucked out the horse stalls, raked leaves...then..."

Mulder listened intently, afraid of what was to come.

"...One day he called me into his study. Said we were going to have company. Some men were coming from out of town. A couple from out of the country. He said..." Krycek stopped and closed his eyes. His face stretched taut with pain, he took a stuttering breath. "My...m-my job while they were there was to.......entertain them."

The last couple of words were spoken with barely restrained anguish, and Mulder felt his insides contract. He wanted to stop Alex right there. Spare him the pain of continuing, but he knew it wouldn’t have been the right thing to do. Painful as it was, Alex needed to get it out.

"I didn’t know what that meant. He didn’t explain it to me. But I found out soon after they arrived."

Mulder clenched his hands together tightly and bowed his head.

Krycek got out of his chair and walked stiffly to the window. He stared out into the cheerful daylight as he continued.

"I was just ten years old when I had my first painful lesson in sex."

Mulder gasped softly, and his stomach turned at the sickening thought.

"They...took turns with me," Krycek said. "They came into the room one at a time, and they...I was scared and confused and in so much pain. They...they tore me up...they made me bleed. And when they were done with me, they just left me there. No one came to comfort me and carry me back to my room. No one apologized, and no one cleaned me up or took care of me.

"I lay on the floor...in the dark, for a long time. I remember I was so cold, but I couldn’t move. Nothing worked. Finally, I was able to sit up. I pulled my clothes around me and tried to get to my feet." Krycek squeezed his eyes shut. "It hurt so much. I’d never felt pain like that. I...dragged myself down to the small bathroom off of my bedroom and ran hot water in the tub. I didn’t add any cold water. I remember the way it scalded my skin when I got in, but I didn’t care. I had to get the smell of them off...the feel of them on me...in me.

"I stayed in the tub, scrubbing myself almost raw until the water got cold. Then I crawled into bed and stayed there. I was left alone all the next day, but the night after that, I was sent for. The smoker told me that the men were leaving the next day, and they wanted to...to say good-bye to me. I cried. I begged him not to make me go to them. I told him that they’d been mean to me, and they’d hurt me. He just sat there with that smoke swirling all around him. I refused to go, and he insisted. He said he’d certainly paid enough for me, and I’d damn well do what he wanted...he didn’t adopt me, he... bought me. He laid down some cash, and they let him have me." It took him a moment to get past that, then he continued.

"He had me dragged down to the basement. I was locked down there in the pitch blackness. I could...I could hear things skittering around in the dark. I was so scared. I screamed until my throat was raw. I pounded and clawed at the door. No one came."

It was as if he’d been transformed. The self-assured, arrogant, ill-tempered son of a bitch known to most was gone. His tone, his curled posture, his face...everything about him spoke to the very real pain he’d suffered as a young, terrified boy. It was enough to make Mulder weep, and he did. But Alex wasn’t finished with his story. And Mulder was determined to see it to its bitter end.

"I don’t know how long I was down there. Hard to keep track of time when everything’s so dark. I know it was the same night when they let me up and took me back to his study. He asked me if I was ready to behave, and I had to chose. Spend a little time in the company of the old men or spend the rest of the night in the basement with the rats.

"I don’t know, I...I guess it was something about the unknown...I couldn’t go back down there. I couldn’t.

"They were waiting for me. It hurt even worse this time, because I was still so messed up from the first night....they left in the morning, and I thought that was it. I thought I’d never have to do that again." Krycek leaned his head up against the window and stared straight ahead. "Kids don’t think too far ahead, you know?"

"How long did it go on?" Mulder asked, afraid to know.

"Until I was nineteen."

Mulder’s mouth dropped open on an anguished gasp, and he buried his face in his hands.

"He never touched me, you know. To this day I don’t know why. But his friends...he had a lot of them, and they took full advantage of his hospitality...every last one of them. Sometimes another boy would come with one of them. They’d make us do things to each other while they watched. That didn’t happen too often.

"The guests varied. It wasn’t the same ones all the time except for this one. Fat, sweaty man. After a few visits, he made me suck his cock. He showed no mercy to me. He held me by my hair and made me take it all. I couldn’t breathe, and I kept gagging..."

He was as close to crying as he’d been since beginning his story.

"Then he pulled out of my mouth and fucked me hard. He...he wanted..." Krycek slid his hands up through his hair, and his fingers clenched in the strands. "...He wanted me to tell him that I...I...that I l-loved...him while he was fucking me. I had to do it or he’d hurt me even worse.

"As horrible as it was...being touched by all those men, that was the worst. Having to tell that bastard that I love...loved him. No amount of hot water or scrubbing could make that go away.

"The next time he came, I was about twelve. I refused to go to his room, and the smoker ordered me to the basement. It took two men to get me there, and they didn’t have an easy time of it. I fought them all the way. Finally, one of them backhanded me. Blood filled my mouth, and things went a little dark for a minute. They dragged me into the basement, and I spent the night there, curled up in a damp corner, afraid to move, listening to the things that lived down there.

"The smoker’s men pulled me out in the morning, waited while I cleaned up then escorted me to the man’s room. I spent the whole morning there getting fucked every way imaginable." Krycek’s eyes took on a glassy, distant appearance, and he was silent for a while before going on.

"I said it went on until I was nineteen. It all stopped abruptly then...because the last time he visited, and I was forced to go to his room...I killed him."

Mulder’s head snapped up, and he cast a shocked stared at the other man.

"I hadn’t planned it," Alex whispered. "It just...happened. I mean...it was no accident. I meant to do it. He’d finished with me...and he was lying there, face down. This big, sweaty lump on the couch in the meeting room. I walked over to the desk, and there was this letter opener. I picked it up and went back to him. I remember being so calm about it. I...raised my arm above my head, and I...I used all my strength, and I stabbed him. He screamed only once. I stabbed him again. And again. There was blood everywhere. All over him, all over me. I put the letter opener down and walked out.

"Someone found me walking down the hall, naked and bloody, and...the next thing I knew I was standing in the shower in my bathroom...watching the red water go down the drain. When I was clean and dressed, I was taken up to the smoker’s study. I felt no fear, in fact...I felt nothing. I just sat down and stared at him. He smoked almost a whole cigarette before he said anything to me. And when he did, he never mentioned his friend. He just told me that if I wanted to learn to kill more efficiently, he could teach me. And if I learned well, I’d never have to go back to taking care of his friends again." One sable eyebrow arched upward. "And I never did."

Krycek lowered his head and went silent, and Mulder stared at him from the bed. Slowly, painfully, he climbed down and walked over to where Krycek stood. Both hands came up to rest gently on the younger man’s shoulders, and he struggled to find something to say. Failing miserably, he stood there in silence.

The gentleness of Mulder’s touch reached Krycek and pulled him back to the present.

"I don’t expect forgiveness," he said softly to the man at his back. "I don’t expect you to say to everything’s okay now. I just...I just hoped you’d understand that it wasn’t you. It was me. I thought I was in control. Finally and completely. I didn’t know. I...I didn’t know that sixteen years after it had stopped, they were still fucking me...or maybe I knew and I just let it happen...because if I admitted to it, it’d mean I was admitting to being weak and out of control. And that’d make me someone other than the Alex Krycek everybody knows. It’d make me unrecognizable...a fraud."

"You haven’t turned into someone completely different for me. I still know who you are," Mulder murmured. "It’s just that now I know more of you."

"After you left, C.J. kept after me," Krycek said. "He didn’t know any specifics, but he knew something was eating at me. And he kept on me and kept on me, begging me to let you in. I stayed in denial. Until one day it just...it found its way to the surface. I’d worked so hard at keeping it buried, but...it was excruciating...every bit as much as when I was a kid.

"C.J. saw me in some pretty bad states of mind. And still I couldn’t unload. Yesterday was the bash upside the head I needed, I guess."

"Why yesterday?" Mulder asked, his voice low.

Back still to Mulder, Krycek drew a long, shaky breath.

"I really fucked things up that day at the restaurant. I hurt you bad. And you were still carrying all that around with you. You wouldn’t have ended up in that situation with Shane if you were still here, happy with me. It was because of me. The things I wouldn’t talk about or even admit to that pushed you away. I had to try and make it right. Even if it was too late."

Mulder said nothing.

"I won’t delude myself into thinking that now that I’ve talked about it, all these years of shit’ll magically disappear. I have a long way to go with this," Krycek said to the window. "I don’t know how well I’ll do. But I’ve made a start, now. And that’s something, I guess."

Mulder stood quietly for quite a while, hands still resting on Krycek’s shoulders. Then they moved downward, stroking gently over his upper back before he wound his arms around the younger man’s chest.

Wrapped in the warmth of a tender embrace, Krycek felt Mulder’s head come to rest on his shoulder, and he closed his eyes.

END

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