Bloopers: The Closing Scenes

And the explanation as to exactly ‘WHY’ Relenabitch is in them...

It was a sunny day that day. They’d just yesterday finished shooting the scenes for the opening sequence, and now it was time for the Closing Scenes. The director had described it to the cast members with great detail. He had been very excited about the ideas.

Who would have imagined that this man could be such a genius? He had planned upon having each of the Gundam pilots dress up in tuxedos. They would all be guests at a large party at Relena’s house. Heero would be dancing with Relena, Duo with Hilde, Trowa with Cathrine, Quatre with Dorothy, and Wufei with Sally Po. Then, the song playing would stop, and the closing theme, "Just Love," would begin playing. Each of the boys would stop dancing with their female partners and would begin dancing with each other. Heero with Duo, Quatre with Trowa, and Wufei with Treize, who would suddenly appear from nowhere with Zechs. He’d left it to be assumed that the two had been in the closet with each other... (Hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more...)

The song is, of course, kind of slow... though kind of fast at the same time. They would all waltz to it. There would be shots of the girls’ faces, and how flustered they were becoming to see their masculine men dancing with other masculine men. Ever play Final Fantasy VIII? Remember the scene when Squall dances with Rinoa (That’s my favorite scene)? Well, that’s the kind of dance they’d be doing. Only, it would be Squall and Seifer... or Zell... or even Irvine... you get the idea... ^_^

It had been a great idea. Everyone loved their wardrobe. Duo had gotten an all black tuxedo. Heero had gotten all white. Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei all had regular tuxedos, though Wufei’s had those little tails in the back. It looked kind of stupid. The girls had all gotten nice dresses, but we really don’t give a shit about them...

Everyone scurried off to their changing rooms, eager to begin the shoot. That’s when it all went wrong...

*Duo’s Dressing Room*

Duo: Black! An all black tuxedo. Heero, this is so cool.

Heero: *Changing in the corner* Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Duo takes off his shirt, then begins taking the tuxedo off the hanger. It’s stuck. He pulls on it, very hard, as you can guess, seeing as how Duo is always overdoing things... and it rips. It rips from the neck to the sleeve, right along the seem.

Duo: Oh, shit mother-fucker!

Heero: What now?

Duo: I just ripped my fucking tuxedo, man! Dammit!

Heero: You have such a foul mouth, Duo.

Duo: Yeah, I know. But wouldn’t you be pissed!?

Heero: Just go tell the costume designer. She’ll sew it up for you.

Duo leaves the room and goes to find Mary, the costume designer, and get his stitches restitched, just as Heero is sliding on his pants...

Heero: Ungh... *grunt* Ow! FuCK! *RIIIIIIPPPPPP*

Heero: Oh shit mother fucker...

That’s right. Heero’s pants ripped. His large package had made quite a large rip in his fly. I guess it’s not true that all Japanese men are small...

Heero leaves the room and walks awkwardly down the hall, his zipper still busted and hanging open. Luckily, he was wearing his infamous black spandex under them, so nothing was hangin out...

He turns left, then right, then, after another left, comes to the Mary’s door and shoves it open, denting the wall with the doorknob.

Heero: These damned pants are too small, Gadammit!

Duo: Heero, you have such a foul mouth!

Heero: Fuck you...

Duo: Maybe later tonight... ^_^

Mary looks up from her work, as she had been hand-stitching Duo’s ripped tuxedo shoulder. "What happened now!?" she asks , exasperated,, lying the clothes down in her lap and stabbing her finger with the needle. "Shit," she says plainly, still staring at Heero.

Heero takes this as an insult and glares at her. "Bitch," he says, staring at Mary.

Mary now knows she’s been insulted, and for no reason, so she decides to throw the tuxedo on the floor and step up to Heero. She was a rather large woman. I suppose I should just say fat. She was fat. And very tall and muscled, for such a hippo... er... husky person. "Are you calling me a bitch!?"

"Well, now that you mention it, no. I’m calling you a dumb bitch!" Heero retorts.

Duo stares. Heero was trying to be threatening to this woman who was twice his size, all while his zipper was ripped open, and he was needing her help. He couldn’t help but laugh at this. Heero suddenly turns on the boy. "What’s so fuckin funny!?"

Duo simply points at the busted zipper.

Heero turns red and storms out, slamming the door and breaking it off of its hinges.

Mary sits her rather plump be-hind back into the squeaky rolly chair and resumes her work on Duo’s tuxedo, all the while mumbling to herself. Unfortunately, she is so flustered, she does a horrible job. Duo frowns at the thing when she hands it back to him. "That looks awful," he says simply.

"Well, tough nuts, pal! Get that little jerk to come back here and apologize, and I may be able to think straight enough to fix it right..."

Duo frowns, know Heero would never apologize, and leaves the room, returning to his dressing room.

He opens the door and sees Heero kneeling on the floor with his back turned, working intently on some project. He peers over his shoulder and sees that the boy is trying to hand-stitch the ripped zipper. It doesn’t seem to be going too well, seeing as how Heero has not a domestic bone in his body. The stitches are all crooked and there are large gaps between each of them.

Duo giggles to himself and goes back to getting changed. He tries to pull his shirt off of the hanger, but, of course, it’s stuck. He pulls and pulls until finally...

"Oh, SHIT MOTHER FUCKER!"

*In Trowa’s changing room*

Trowa: I think these pants are a bit too short for me...

Trowa steps in front of the full length mirror and stares. The pants are within mere centimeters of the center of his calves. "I look like PeeWee Herman."

"Nonsense," Quatre chides from his place on the other side of the room, then turns around to see. How awful could they be? "Shit mother fucker..." He whispers to himself. "Those things really are short... maybe you should go get them lengthened."

"Quatre, you can’t lengthen pants."

"Yes you can. Just undo the hems."

"Quatre, there isn’t enough hem in these things to make them near long enough."

"I’ll bet you there is!"

"No, there isn’t."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

This continues on for a while...

*Wufei’s dressing room*

"This is injustice!" you-know-who screamed at himself in the mirror. "I look like a penguin. There’s no way I’m wearing this."

*Treize’s dressing room*

"*Schlurp* You look so sexy, Treize," Zechs mumbles.

"*Schlurp* *Schlurp* I know I do... So do you. You’re like a big sexy sex machine-thing!"

Zechs takes another sip from his Big Gulp soda and busts out laughing. The Mr. Pibb goes flying out his nose with the laughter and lands flat on Treize’s shirt front.

Treize, in his great disgust at the action, expectorates his Minute Maid Lemonade with great force, and the saliva-mingled liquid decides to direct itself promptly to the crotch of Zechs’ pants. In other words, he looked like he pissed his pants, people.

Both: EWWWWWWW!!!!!!

*Back in Duo’s dressing room*

"This looks really awful."

He’d gotten his shirt stitched up, sure. Even had Mary get the pants off of the hanger for him, so that he wouldn’t rip those, as well. Unfortunately, her stitching job was far from up to par. The left shoulder of both the shirt and the jacket had been ripped and shoddily sewn back together. Now, as he wore his jacket, he realized just how shoddily...

The left shoulder was lumpy and deformed, and the left sleeve was about two inches too short. Who knows how that could have happened.

Heero had, by now, finished sewing up his own zipper, and was slipping the pants back on. He tugged at the little metal thingy that’s attached to the zipper (does anyone know if that thing has a name!?), but it didn’t want to seem to budge. He pulled harder and harder until finally, *SNAP* The little metal thingy broke right off. Now, this really pissed him off. He threw the metal thingy onto the floor and stomped on it, then proceeded to grasp the tips of his fingers around the zipper itself and pull. It slowly began to make its way up... a little higher... just a little bit more, until...

"Heero, don’t you think this looks stupid!?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh, shit mother fucker!! Call 911!!"

*Back in Trowa’s dressing room*

They were kissing passionately, when, out of nowhere, a scream that could break the sound barrier with its force nearly broke their eardrums.

"Shit mother fucker!" Quatre cursed, then shrugged his shoulder and continued kissing Trowa. He pulled at the boy’s restraining pair of pants, trying with all his might to get the button undone, when, *POP* off came the button.

"Quatre, you broke my pants..." Trowa pouted.

"So, I’ll let you break mine later," Quatre panted as he deftly pulled down the zipper and yanked the too-short pants off of the boy’s granddaddy long legs.

Trowa took that as an offer and grasped onto the sides of Quatre’s pants and pulled down... while they were still buttoned and zipped. This, unfortunately, ripped the button and the zipper...

*Back in Wufei’s dressing room*

He had to get those tails off. He just had to. A pair of scissors! Yesssss! Wufei went to work chopping the flippety-flop tails off of the back of his tuxedo. Unfortunately, he was not the brightest bulb in the pack at this moment, and he left the jacket on while he was doing it.

Needless to say, after mucho des minutes of spinning around in circles like a dog chasing its tail, or, tails, for that matter, he ended up with a very gnarly-looking, jaggedly cut jacket. "Shit mother fucker..."

*Back in Treize’s dressing room*

We don’t even need to go there. They’d both stained their wardrobes terribly and, being as proud as they were, they both refused to wear them.

*Back in Duo’s dressing room*

"Just hold still, k? I’m gonna count to three..."

"okay," Heero said meekly, fighting back tears.

"One... two..."

"Wait!" Heero screamed, panicking. "Are you going to pull on three, or right after three?"

"What?"

"I mean, are you going to say, ‘one, two,’ then pull on three, or are you going to say, ‘one, two, three,’ then pull?"

"After three."

"Okay." Heero grasped the small teddy bear tightly in his grasp, wringing its fluff-filled neck until the stuffing was nearly popping out its eyes.

"One... two..."

"Wait!!" Heero screamed again. "You’re going to pull after three, right!?"

"Yes, Heero," Duo ranted, getting aggravated. "After three, okay?"

"Okay, just... don’t hurt me..."

"I don’t think I can help it hurting, Heero."

"I know, just... try not to... I need that, you know!?"

"I know. Ready?"

"Ready," Heero sobbed, wringing the teddy bear’s neck even harder.

"One... two... *YANK, RIP*"

"SHIT MOTHER FUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! YOU FUCKING BITCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

Heero punched the boy and knocked him out cold.

*Roughly an hour later*

"So, what does everyone think of their costumes?" the director asks, scanning over the group.

Duo pinched his bleeding schnoz, trying to stifle the flow. "NE SOCK!" he ranted nasally.

The director stared at them. They really did suck. Everyone had either ripped pants, lopsided jackets, or gnarly scissor cuts on their clothes. Treize and Zechs weren’t even wearing them.

The director sighed to himself. "Well, I guess I’ll have to come up with a new idea..."

Relena raises her hand politely.

"Yes, Relena?"

"I have an idea. Well, I’m the star of the show, so I think I should be the only one in the closing scene. You could have me playing around with the animals in Trowa’s circus! That would be great! Think about it... I could wear my summer dress and that nice hat I have..."

"You mean that big, stupid, ugly floppy one?"

"That’s the one! And I could pull on a rhino’s tail!!"

"Why the hell would you want to do that!?"

Relena blinks stupidly, as if this is the strangest question she’s ever heard. "Why not? Doesn’t everyone?"

The director sighs to himself again and rips out about one-sixth of his hair. It was going to be a long day of shooting...

***********

Marin: And that is why Relena is in the closing credits.

Duo: Actually, it’s because the Director was hoping the rhinoceros would impale her with its horn.

Heero: We were all hoping that, Duo.

Duo: I know. I certainly was...

Wufei: My jacket really wasn’t that bad after I cut it, was it?

All: Yes, it was...

Wufei: *Pout*

Zechs: There was no way I was going to let that bitch Duo make fun of me and say I pissed my pants... Treize and his stupid lemonade obsession...

Treize: *Looks up from an ‘Assmaster’ porn magazine* Huh?

Zechs: Shut up, bitch.

Treize: Sure.

Marin: O.o Kay.... well, anywho... onto the plugs: Next up: Bloopers from the closing sequence! We get to see Relena get attacked by killer parrots, farted upon by a rhino, eaten by a lion...

Duo: Don’t give it all away!

Heero: Yeah! (Does a Brisk Iced Tea commercial imitation... you know the one!) Save some o’ that for the sequel!

Marin: K... Bai bai min’na!

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