Bloopers: The *Relena* Closing Scenes

EUGH!!!

After the guys had so terribly destroyed their wardrobes, the Director was forced to put Ririnasama into the Closing Scenes... It couldn’t be helped. She was a spoiled brat bitch. So, now we get to see the BLOOPERS from those damned stupid closing scenes. Warning: If you’ve never seen them, don’t bother reading this. You probably won’t have a fucking clue what I’m talking about. Anyway, onto the bloopers:

The entire cast was sitting in their small folding chairs outside, watching the show. They weren’t very interested in seeing the Bitchcrap prance around stupidly, but they were forced to be there, so... they just made the best of it.

Quatre and Trowa were making out, much to the Girls’ dismay. Dorothy didn’t really care, cause she’s a lesbian and really doesn’t give a shit about Quatre, but Cathrine, on the other hand, was very possessive of her brother. Seeing him make out with that bad influence, problem child Quatre made her writhe in her seat. She snorted at the display and chose to join the game of strip poker that Duo and Heero had been playing. Duo had Heero down to nothing but a pair of spandex shorts and one sock. *Moment of drool for the hentaii...* Of course, he was cheating...

Anyway, Relena stepped out of her trailer, wearing her stupid safari outfit. She even had the dumb hat to match it. The director showed her to her spot and told her what to do. It was simple enough. Lean in towards the parrots and smile. Assari shita, ne? Not for the Bitchcrap.

The first shoot went horribly. The parrots were so freaked out, they flew away, sqwauking like mad. The director sighed to himself, and called for some more parrots. Some "better trained" parrots.

"Get me some parrots that aren’t afraid of buggy eyes!" he screamed to the crew. Someone went into a trailer and brought out a huge cage, opened it up, and perched the parrots on the branch.

"Okay, take two!" he screamed. Relena straightened out her clothes and hat.

"Uhh... sir..." the man who had brought out the cage whispered to the director.

"What is it? Don’t tell me those parrots are going to be afraid of Relena’s buggy eyes!?"

The man paled. "Oh, no... it’s not that. Those parrots aren’t afraid of anything. It’s just that... they’re a bit..."

"What?"

"Tempermental??"

"What do you mean...?"

A shrill scream suddenly echoed upon the distant hills. Everyone stared at Relena, running around like mad. She had two killer parrots following closely behind, pecking at her head.

Duo jumped up and shrieked. "Oh my GOD! Someone call Alfred Hitchcock!" Heero pointed at the blonde and laughed.

"Someone help me! These birds are going to peck my eyes out!" One of the birds took that as an invitation, and swooped around to her face, immediately pecking at her eyeball. He popped it out of its socket and ate it. "That thing just ate my eye!" Relena shrieked.

The Director sighed to himself for the umpteenth time today. "Go get your birds under control," he ordered the animal trainer.

Harvey, the animal trainer immediately ran to the birds and shooed them back into their cage.

"Someone get Relena a glass eye, please?" Shirley, the make-up artist (You remember her, right?), came out of nowhere and popped a glass eye into Relen’a empty eye socket, blowing cigarrette smoke into the stupid girl’s face.

Relena wailed and clawed at her new glass eye. "They ate my eye, they ate my eye!" she screamed, still clawing at it. Heero shot her with his water gun, and she shrieked even more. "Now they’re peeing on me!"

"Relena, they’re in their cage, you idiot," the director bellowed.

"Oh."

"Harvey, can you tie those damned birds’ feet to the branch?"

"Yessir," Harvey mumbled, and did just that.

"Get ready... take three..."

~~~~

The rhino scene was up. Everyone watched intently as Relena timidly approached the rhinocerus. They were all hoping she’d get impaled and die. After the incident with the birds, Relena had suddenly decided she didn’t like animals very much.

"Action..." the director sighed.

Relena timidly reached out and grasped the rhino’s tail. The rhino, who’s name was Tom, by the way, turned and stared at her. She gasped and backed up. "He’s going to eat me!" she squeeled.

"Relena... this was your idea. If you can’t do it, I’ll just have the ending be shots of Heero and Duo making out."

Relena gulped. "No! I can do it! Take two! Action!"

She grabbed Tom’s tail and pulled *hard.* The rhino, who had eaten large amounts of greens recently, farted loudly, then proceeded to crap on Relena’s shoes. "Oh, my, God..." Relena whispered, totally disgusted. Then the smell wafted over to her. She took one sniff and passed out... falling right into the pile of rhino shit. Face first.

Everyone, "Ewww"ed then turned away.

The director ordered Shirley to clean her up. Shirley picked up the limp body of Relena and scurried into a trailer to ‘clean her up.’

"That was pretty good!" Duo said jovially. Heero "Hn"ed in response.

"Oh, Heero, step out of character for once, will you!?"

"Hn. Baka."

"You’re the baka!"

"Why don’t you step out of character and quit being so hyped up?"

Duo smiled. "What are you talking about!? I’m always this happy! That’s why they gave me the role!"

Heero slapped his forehead and shook his head. "*What* have I gotten involved with?" he asked himself.

His answer was a loud moan from Quatre, who was busy makeing out like mad with Trowa.

"Eugh.. PDA..." Wufei moaned. Zechs slid closer to Wufei on the ground.

"Oh, Wufei.. don’t act as if you’re so modest... I remember the last time Treize and you and me were together, you ripped off you clothes, and.. what was it you said...?"

Wufei mumbled something inaudible.

"If I recall correctly," Treize chimed in, scooting closer as well, "he said, ‘I am the Master Dragon Sex Machine! I want you men to bend over and take your medicine from the MASTER!!’ "

Wufei mumbled again and picked at the blades of grass between his legs.

"What was that, Wufei?" Zechs queued.

"I said..." Wufei growled, "I only did that because you two WHORES GOT ME DRUNK!!!!!!"

Treize and Zechs shrunk back. "Yeah.. but only because you’re so cute when you’re drunk," Zechs ventured.

Wufei let out a war cry and charged the two men, who jumped up and scampered off as fast as they could.

Duo shrugged at the scene. "Those guys are weird."

"Hn."

"She’s clean!" Shirley bellowed, stepping out of the trailer. Relena followed behind, holding her head in pain. She still had blobs of shit clinging to her face and shirt front.

"Take three?" the director asked plainly.

"I don’t think I can do this."

The director smiled to himself. "Good! I’ll just get Heero and Duo to make out! Oh, HEEEEEEEROOOOOO!"

"No!!!!! No! Anything but that!!! I’ll do it!" She straightened her clothes proudly, smearing the blobs of poopy on her clothes and getting it on her fingers. "Eww... Take three..."

She stormed over to the rhino and grabbed its tail and pulled. Then, for reasons unknown, she stomped her foot impatiently, as if waiting for Tom to poo-poo on her again. He didn’t. She smiled and flicked her hat triumphantly. "I did it!" She screamed. The Director sighed. Too bad...

~~~~~

Now.. for the lions. Unfortunately, the lions only liked Trowa and were barely able to tolerate the likes of Cathrine. They growled as Relena approached them. Relena, threatened by the fact that her honey would be making out with another boy on camera if she didn’t get this right, stepped up to them with no fear. She grabbed them by their necks and hugged them to her chest. Simba, the lion on Relena’s right, scratched her stomach. Nala, on her left, opened its cavernous mouth and swallowed her whole.

Relena’s screams could be heard eminating from inside the beast. Something along the lines of "It smells awful in here," was heard from Nala’s tummy.

The director sighed again. "We’ll just have to wait until Nala poops her out, I suppose." Relena’s life was much less important than the lion’s, of course.

So.. they waited... and waited... and waited... and waited...

~~~~~~

Two Hours Later:

Relena emerged from the bum of the beast, looking very gnarly and shit-covered. She moaned and wailed. Everyone else stared. "Take two..." she shouted, and grabbed the lions again. This time, Simba ate her. But he quickly threw her up, because she tasted like shit.

"Take three..." Relena moaned, now cleaned up by Simba’s saliva and stomach liquids. She grabbed the lions and smiled like a fool. Neither of the lions ate her this time, seeing as how she smelled so awful. A mix of Tom poo, Tom fart, Nala poo, and Simba saliva. Not a healthy combination.

The lions just kind of sat there, looking amazed and bewhildered by this girl’s tenacity. "Baka On’na..." they muttered to themselves in lion language. Relena interpretted it as a purr and hugged them tighter, nearly causing their eyes to pop out, then released them. "I think they like me!" she announced.

Trowa ceased his making out with Quatre to say, "... No..."

"What do you mean, ‘No?’ " she questioned.

"They called you a stupid woman," he said simply before continuing his kissing with Quatre.

"Yeah, right..." Relena muttered. "What’s next?" Relena asked the director.

"Dog..." he said, pointing to the huge, furry mutt that was Oompa the sheep dog.

"Simple enough," Relena muttered, and walked over to the dog. The dog, smelling the poo and such on Relena, went up and immediately began licking her. Apparently, he likes Tom’s poo... Relena smiled and hugged the beast. Then, Oompa began gnawing on Relena’s hair. He sucked it into his mouth, slurping it up like spagghetti. Relena ended up bald, the wig hanging out of the dog’s mouth. "You mongrel!" she screamed, and ripped at the wig. It finally came out, icky and drool-covered.

"Shirley, clean up..." the director sighed. Shirley hefted the Relena onto her shoulder and carried it into the trailer.

~~~~~

Roughly an Hour Later:

Relena emerged from the trailer, clean and poo free, with her wig replaced, wearing her stupid summer dress and ugly, floppy, dorky hat.

"How do I look, Heero-kun?" she asked, modelling the monstrostity.

Heero sweatdropped...

"You look dumb," Duo chided.

"As if I’m going to listen to someone who wears BLACK all the time!" Relena shot back.

"What’s wrong with black?"

"Nothing, except the fact that it’s not pink."

"As if I would wear pink!!" Duo shrieked, getting to his feet. "Pink is for sissy little girls, like you!!"

Quatre shouted, "HEY!" in protest. "I wear pink! Don’t forget!"

Duo sweatdropped. "Sorry, Q-tip..." He sat back down.

"Maybe Quatre is really a girl?" Heero questioned, an odd look finding its way onto his face.

"I heard that, YUY! Don’t make me go Zero System on your ass!!"

Heero gulped and grabbed up the deck of playing cards, intent upon winning back his clothing from Duo.

"Relena, get your sorry butt over here!" The director shrieked, stomping his foot.

Relena rushed over. "What do I have to do?" she asked.

"Well, it’s going to make your eyes look even more BUGGY than usual, but, just look downward at the camera, Billy Joel."

"Billy Joel?"

"Just forget it... Action."

The camera scanned across Relena’s face as she looked down at it. The director, watching the monitors, suddenly yelled for the cameras to stop. "What’s the matter?" Relena asked.

"You’ve got a booger in your nose," the director answered simply. "Get it out." He handed her a tissue.

Relena ignored the offered tissue and jammed her finger up her nose, digging around for the snot-wad. She pulled her finger out and stared at it. "Ah!" She said, and flicked it. It landed in her own chair.

Everyone made a disgusted face. "Is it gone?" she asked, sticking her nose in the director’s face.

"Yes. Take two."

~~~~~

After the Shoot:

Relena slumped into her chair, exhausted. "What a day!" she whined. "Acting is so tough."

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Well, I’ve got to go! Dorothy and I are going to the movies tonight." She got up and went to her trailer, the booger she had flicked in her seat now attached to her butt.

"She had a booger on her butt," Heero stated.

"Don’t worry, Heero. With the way Dorothy gropes her in the theatres, she’ll find it."

"You wanna go to the movies?" Heero ventured

"Really!?" Duo squeeled, his eyes glistening and sparkles suddenly appearing around his head.

"Sure... we’ll go see that new Final Fantasy movie. Those computer animated guys are cute..."

Duo went goggle-eyed. "Heero.. sometimes you scare me..."

"That’s the way I like it," Heero smiled.