Yui Miyamoto 
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Disclaimer: Clamp owns Tokyo Babylon.
I just love Subaru so you couldn't
expect me to shut up and accept that that's it...
...and so I make
fanfics!Random Thoughts
Chapter 4 - Yuuki janai.
(No courage.)
As I was going to take the blow from the mad woman, I
crossed my arms over my face in defense...
Only to horrifically open them to
a swish that had reached my face and glass crashing to the ground.
There
stood Seishirou in front of me covering his bleeding eye with an evil smile that
scared me.
I'm just watching...unable to do anything while freezing in
my place...
As the woman was about to stab him, he twisted her wrist
slightly and calmed the woman down.
As they took him away, I fell to my
knees upon the ground.
What...what just happened?
WHAT THE HELL JUST
HAPPENED?!
As I saw him walking away with the nurses and the doctors
surrounding him. My wide eyes couldn't do so much as close or blink at all. I
wanted so much to reach out to him, but instead, I watched him walk away with a
bleeding hand as blood ran down his arm and onto his white
sleeve.
"Subaru, they're taking him to the ER which is in..." Hokuto-chan
said, but I was too dazed to say anything or even hear what she was saying while
placing her hands on my shoulders as we both watched Seishirou.
My gloved
hand is starving to touch your arm...and stop you from leaving me...
I just
want to hold you right now...
But I'm watching you leave me...
And
what am I doing?
Nothing...nothing at all...
Even after all the
commotion, there I stood motionless as if time had stopped itself for me. My
sister wanted to comfort me, but left understanding that I wanted to be
alone.
My eyes finally moved about the room as if in a daze. Up and down.
Down and up. Left to right. Right to left.
I tried to scan the room without
falling apart, but my knees were becoming weak. Shaking inside, I feared for
him.
Seishirou...
...because of me...
...because of me...
he
might...
In a burst of emotion, I ran towards the room they had taken him
to. In a fit of tears, I clenched my gloves and ran faster. When I got to his
door, I stood there watching the door.
But as the time passed, I shook my
head.
"Seishirou-san." I whispered to myself.
I had finally
spoken.
This shouldn't be happening.
Seishirou shouldn't be in there!
HE SHOULDN'T!
"Seishirou-san."
My rage finally came out and I
found myself pounding on the door helplessly as my sister ran to me and walked
slowly as she approached me. She placed her hand on me, but I violently slapped
it away.
Seishirou-san...oh, seishirou-san...
I didn't know if I
was screaming anymore inside my mind, but I kept on calling his name over and
over, "Seishirou-san!"
Pound pound pound.
Seishirou-san!
Pound
pound!
Seishirou-san!
On and on did I punch that door until I was so
numb that I didn't notice my hands bleeding and finally making an imprint on the
door. But I didn't care.
My blood was permeating through the gloves and began
to fall like little raindrops on the floor.
All I could say was,
"Sei...shi...rou" in a cracked voice...
Falling to the ground, I could no
longer even talk. Crying harder than before, my silence had gotten the better of
me.
As my sister pulled me finally to go home, I watched myself through
another person's eyes.
I am a doll...
I can't do anything
now...
I can't move...
I must stay here and make time wait for
me...
Sitting on the chair, I sat there looking like I was going to
die. A zombie among the living, I watched for nothing in particular. All I could
think was that Seishirou would...
...but like a doll, I wouldn't cry
anymore.
I was too shocked to.
So guilty...
As my sister came
in and out of the room to check on me, hours and god knows how much time passed,
my sister finally talked to me.
Crying in her arms, she held me.
My
trance was finally gone.
Finally, as I found the courage to go into his
room, I lifted my hand to the door...
Drip, drip. The blood on the
floor...
I'm still shaking...
...the crashing of his glasses to
the ground...
I can't...
but I suck in my breath and try to act normal
as I open the door to his room.
He's smiling at me...he's really smiling at
me...
...like nothing ever happened...
That smile...why do you always
smile even when you shouldn't, Seishirou?
As he tried to make small talk,
I could no longer hold it anymore.
And there I sobbed as I stood there
silently with a straight face looking directly at him. He slipped his fingers
through my hair.
Oh, don't touch me...I'll fall apart...
He then
brushed my tears away with his fingers...
Damn you,
Seishirou...why...
The dam had broken.
While holding his hand to my
face of where he had tried to wipe my tears away, I cried saying over and over,
"I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"
The more he did it. The more I
cried.
And I then stopped and smiled.
You are still the
same...
As he held my chin, I looked deep into his eyes. Even though he
had played a joke on me and I facefaulted to the ground...
...I knew you
were the same.
Later, I came back to visit him again. Closing the door
slowly behind me, I leaned back on the door as I watched his sleeping face as
the moonlight shone on it. Wanting to not wake him, I tiptoed slowly towards him
and took off my jacket to place it on the chair next to his bed.
Slipping
myself carefully onto his sheets, I watched him sleep peacefully.
But I
felt so incredibly guilty.
"Everytime I look at your eye, I feel so
guilty..." I trailed off as I looked down at him. My voice cracked again as I
began to silently sob in front of him.
Leaving all the discretion I had
before, I curled in a little ball as I laid my head on his chest.
I want
to pound right here.
Right where your heart is.
You're so cruel,
Seishirou...
I know this is not okay, but you still smile at me.
Then,
his arms wrapped tightly around me. With my gloved hands, I grab onto his shirt
and silently sob on him.
Kissing me on the forehead, he tried to comfort me.
In this darkness, I couldn't see...
I was as blind as his right
eye...
I am so blind whenever it comes to you, Seishirou...
No
words were spoken, but I could just feel his heartbeating in the deep silence.
As long as he was alive...
...that's all that counted, right?
I
wanted to say something. So many things were running through my brain without
words to conceptualize them.
All I could do was mumble softly,
"Seishirou."
Silence.
Unable to look at him as I closed my eyes, I
finally said, "You're killing me with your love."
But I couldn't say,
"Please stop it."
I didn't have the courage to.
--
Author's
note: Hope it wasn't too melodramatic. But it's more interesting to get the 'off
stage' stuff, ne?
>_<
Yui Miyamoto
Author
Pairing
Rating
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