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Yui Miyamoto Author Pairing Rating Subject

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei's not mine.

Naritai (I want to become.)

Chapter 3 - Charity.

"Namida ga afureru," I hummed to myself as I entered an empty room to find some kind of peace. It was a song I had heard on the radio. That's right. Tears are overflowing.

Everywhere.

I sighed aloud as I slumped into a chair and took off my glasses to rub my face from the reality I had seen.

The child had died. Someone had killed that child with their own hands.

And when the woman cried in Tsuzuki's arms, his eyes looked at Hisoka. Then, he lowered them as he hugged her back.

But I knew. He himself wanted to cry.

Sometimes he doesn't understand himself and that's where I come in. I try to provide all the answers.

That's all I can do. Provide answers for you.

And yet, I never answer or deny my own.

Comfort? Do I really provide you comfort Tsuzuki? Your eyes look like they're going to cry. And I want to cry with you. But that cannot be.

It's not my place anymore.

"You take care of him," I said to Hisoka as I patted his shoulder. With that, I was supposed to give up on you, Tsuzuki.

I laughed to myself as I swirved the chair a bit and tapped my fingers nervously on the table in front of me. "Ha," I answered myself. "That's as easy as telling myself, 'You'll quit.'"

I almost did quit this business.

You know why? I couldn't stand seeing you.

I got jealous one time. Jealous to the point that I almost took you in my arms and kissed you. But when your purple eyes blinked at me, I knew better.

I couldn't take advantage of that moment. I was doing the wrong thing. My emotions shouldn't override good judgment.

It was the way you looked at Hisoka one time. And the way he looked at you.

My hands were trembling in my pockets as I saw this. Whether it was from pain, loss, anger, jealous.I couldn't tell at that moment.

I'm a calm and collected person. Only, I lose this somewhat whenever I'm with you. How long can I keep up this charade?

Behind my silence, there was much to bear. There is much tolerance. If you knew who I was before.

.would you accept me as you do now, Tsuzuki?

Even I doubt that somewhat. This is the stem of my insecurity.

"We must respect his wishes," I had said to Hisoka. I looked at him as he gave me a look of defiance.

I was a coward, I know. I didn't know if I was strong enough to stop you, Tsuzuki. But then again, I didn't want to see you like this.

You lost your mind. I had seen that before. That's why I knew what happened. Like that time I was with you in Kyoto when we were partners.

Last time. I was the one to save you. But in the process, I lost myself too.

You woke up after being unconscious, but I was the one to pull you from that fire. I saved you first.

It was then that I knew that I loved you more than as my friend and partner.

I hugged you and whispered, "It's all right. Don't worry. It is not your fault." But you trembled with fear and dazed eyes while protesting, "No.It is."

I shook my head.

There was nothing I could do.

But I can't just accept it. I can't just watch this like sand running through my fingers.

I want to become the one that comforts you. For always.

I want to hold you and tell you that everything's all right. But I can't. I would be lying to you. And that's the last thing I'd ever want to do to you.

I shook my head. But you wouldn't know that. I would never let you know.

This will stay where it should be. Locked in some place within my soul unable to opened. Only if you voluntarily come to me.

I'm so frustrated.

I love you to the point that I would let you do something that was bad for you. Under the pretense of 'I respect your wishes because this is the decision you have made.'

Was I wrong to say and do that?

I sighed. What the hell am I thinking about? Why now?

I put my glasses on and folded my hands in contemplation. At that moment, you came into the room.

"Tatsumi." you mumbled.

There. That's the look that makes me bleed.

He came to me and grabbed my shirt again with tears in his eyes. I embraced him with my head on top of his.

You only show me your inner most feelings. These are the emotions you never show the world. Your true self is when you're with me.

I know that. I know many things that you don't, Hisoka. And you must find them yourself.

Tsuzuki is a fragile person. As fragile as broken glass with a million pieces. Like an ice cube slowing melting away.

Then, you strangely asked at that moment, "Lie to me, Tatsumi." "I never cared about you," I answered harshly. He held me tighter.

This is all I have, Hisoka. Please don't take it away from me.

Please. Please don't take him away from me.

My eyes closed painfully as I hugged him tighter.

I'm too late.

Hisoka. You have Hisoka's scent.

I held onto his shirt lightly, but it was in desparation.

Little by little, I'm giving you away, Tsuzuki.

And it isn't by choice.

-- Author's note: I beat my personal record. Four fanfics! ^_^v Hope you like it though.

I know this perspective of Tatsumi is strange. He isn't so calm in my fic. But I thought that there must be a balance. Like Kasumi in Ranma. You can't be that way unless it's a reaction to something else. But if you must know, Tatsumi's my second favorite next to Hisoka in YnM.
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Yui Miyamoto Author Pairing Rating Subject