-- Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't mine. Gundam Wing isn't either.

Inside and Out

I woke up because my naked body was cold. Hikaru's once _again_ taken the covers, hasn't he?!

"Shindou…" I grumbled with too much familiarity with this scolding tone. I reached out my hand towards his side of the bed with a groan. He had slept in my bed so much it wasn't even mine anymore!

Not that I minded too much, but still…

As I reached out, I grabbed the sheets, but they didn't seem to have the feel I expected. I let go of them and I patted the spot where Hikaru should have been.
Where he should have been!!

I blinked my eyes as my head registered the fact that it's cold.

"You know I hate it when you leave me alone…" I whispered to myself, still too proud to admit that my possessiveness over him wasn't a healthy rivalry after all.

It was simply that he was mine since the day he defeated me.

I might as well as have been told that I had been cursed for all the days of my existence. I sometimes regretted in a joke about why I even thought about pulling him into the world of the pros. If it meant that all we ever did was fight, then what was the point of being together? Weren't we driving one another apart that way?

Somehow, it did. And somehow, in the end, it worked out also.

But, at the end of everything, I couldn't let go.
Go took most of my life, but you, Hikaru-

"Oujisama! Oujisama!" someone said as soon as they entered the room. "Okimasu!"
I heard the sound of the curtains being pushed to their respective sides, but I refused to get up. "Hikaru, why are you always so genki in the morning?"
I groaned into my pillow while holding it over my head.

"Hikaru, you-" I stopped and realized that it wasn't Hikaru's voice at all.

And it was then a woman with formal kimono wear stood at the side of my bed and smiled at me. "Oujisama, ohayou gozaimasu!"

My eyes looked sleepily from side to side as I took the pillow off my head. I thought I was dreaming when I saw myself in my room that seemed as if it weren't. It seemed to be as if he were in a palace.
Everything looked so archaic, but looked so modern too.

The only way I could have described it was that it was a mix of the past and present.
This definitely had to be a dream…

…or at least that was what I _hoped_ it was…

"Ow," I said as my arm throbbed in mild irritation at being pinched.

Calmly, I looked at the girl and sighed. I didn't know what was going or if this was a joke, but if someone didn't tell me where Hikaru was, I was going to be VERY grumpy.
I was cordial, indifferent, and bearable most of the time, but put Hikaru into the picture and all my calm thoughts were as damned to the Lotus Pond as that Relena in Gundam Wing was to Heero. (I personally believed he was secretly dating Duo, but that was just my opinion. Anyway…)

"Hikaru." I said his name aloud as I asked, "Where is Hikaru?"

"Hikaru…sama?" The girl blinked at me with a confused face as she told me, "There is no Hikaru-sama here."

I nodded my head as I looked at her with my eyebrows touching one another. How many times did I have to repeat myself?!

"Yes…I must be drunk…" I tried to reason to myself as I sweatdropped and sat up in my bed. I didn't feel like explaining anything relating to my nakedness especially since I had drunk so much the night before `Shindou-sama' tried one of his-Never mind.

Just thinking about it made me blush. He totally took advantage of my vulnerable state. Damn that rival of mine…

But that was beside the point.
Whether this was a dream or a joke, I wasn't having fun either way.

I looked around sleepily as I rubbed my eyes.

The servant called Maya called another girl named Ari into the room. She shook her head as she folded her hands tightly. "Please calm down, Oujisama. There really is no one by the name of Hikaru-sama."

Getting up immediately, I pulled my white sheets to wrap around my waist as I looked at the two servants who had put their eyes down to the floor. I sighed as I said, "Please tell father that I will be going out."
"But Oujisama, you have…" Maya said as she glanced at Ari in desparation. "…an omiai today. Miyako-sama is coming to visit you today."

I shook my head as I stubbornly said, "I will leave like _this_ if I do not have my way. No one will stop me from leaving today."

They bowed as they both left my room and I was left there to look at the walls of the room. Then, I looked at the bed.

This had to be a dream. Why couldn't I wake up? Dammit, usually I was much better about this.

I sweatdropped. I never used to swear until he came into my life. I sighed even more.
How could I have loved such rowdiness???

I dressed up and I ordered Maya and Ari to leave me alone.
"But we must come with you, Oujisama!" Maya protested as she sighed with exasperation.

"No." With that final word, I left the house, despite everyone's chagrin rising behind me.

When I stepped outside, I felt a wave of relief. It was as comforting as the wind that was passing. I felt so constrained in that household I almost couldn't breathe.

Wandering the narrow streets among the marketplace, which was still Tokyo weirdly, I leaned my head forward to cover my face a bit. I was searching for him.

Hikaru _had_ to be here.

I could feel him around what felt to be multitudes of people. Where was he though?!

In the end, I couldn't find him anywhere no matter how hard I tried.
It reminded me of the time he didn't come to the Wakajishisen. I was so upset that I pounded my hand on the wall. Maybe his friend Waya, who was standing behind me, thought I was doing it out of Hikaru not showing up.

It was more than that.

Go didn't mean anything without him.
I had learned that by then, even though Hikaru didn't quite think of it like that.

And when he said he wasn't going to play Go anymore, I freaked out. That's why I had shouted at him.

I wouldn't be able to find you if you didn't play Go, Hikaru.
Without it, I couldn't find you.

I didn't know why that was, but I knew that the answers laid there.

Filled with more determination, I desparately wandered over to a flowing river and sat down on the grass. Sighing, I looked at my reflection.
I looked a bit older than seventeen, which I thought was pretty strange. Usually, people didn't dream that they were older, but of their own age.
My hair was longer and it touched half of my back. The tips were touching the water because I was leaning in too close.

"Hey! HEY!" someone called to me, but then someone's hands pulled me backwards.

"That's a pretty lame way to commit suicide!" The boy sighed in relief. As I turned around, my face instantly lit up as I heard Hikaru's voice.

There was no doubt about it!

With no discretion and relief encompassing every part of my heart, I wrapped my arms around him. "Hikaru! Where did you go, Hikaru?!"
"Huh?"

Then, I pulled away as I shook his shoulders with my shaking hands. "Why did you worry me?! Did you think it was funny to leave me?!"

Pushing himself from me, he shook his head as he looked at me with horrified eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

His bangs were violet? "Hikaru, why is your hair violet?"

Then, I blinked at him and saw that he had violet eyes also.

At that, the person with Hikaru's face shouted, "My brother's name is Hikaru. My name is Sai."
With frustration, he added as he crossed his arms, "Maybe I should have left you alone to kill yourself, you weirdo."

I looked at him incredulously. I didn't know if I was more hurt at the fact that it wasn't `him' or the fact that he had insulted me.

With much uncertainty, I repeated his name to myself. "Sai?"
Wasn't that the name of the famous Internet go player my father and I had lost to?

"Please take me to your brother," I said with a desparate, but calm tone.

With eyes that I couldn't read, he told me, "You can't, Oujisama."

Looking at him incredulously, I asked, "Why can't I?"

"He isn't here anymore."

It shocked me more when he looked at me with angry eyes, telling me as if I were the cause of it.

My face went pale.
And my heart cringed and twisted itself within me.

You could have taken anything from me… Even my life… …but not Hikaru…

Never Hikaru…

It equated to the same thing to me…

That much I knew the moment he stepped out of the Go salon that day five years ago… His chaos disturbed my tranquility so seductively.

I pursued him not because of defeat, But I wanted him to follow me.

I didn't understand why I wanted him to.
I just knew he had to.

Because either way, I was going to make him remember me.

Tsuzuku… -- Author's note: I don't know why, but I had this strange obsession with putting their dialogue in Japanese. I don't know why. Or maybe it's related to the fact that Akira turns me on whenever he shouts at Hikaru. It's just the way he shouts. @_@ So sexy! Never shows any emotion except when it comes to Hikaru.

With this fic, I hope to go through a short spectrum of emotions before preceding towards the longer multi-chap of angst. You are so supportive and I had done only one part. ;_; I was so touched! Even though the first part was very strange…

These days, like my Seishirou-centric fic called `Rikoteki na yume' (selfish dream), I am aiming to evolve a different kind of story telling so that I can become more diverse. Hopefully, I will and chapters will be longer, even if it will take much more time to produce them. I am prolific, but trying very hard to produce quality fics (even if I am bad with grammar and proofreading) which have a set of different emotions from shocked to sad to happy to whatever as well as presenting different perspectives on life.
I've been personally struggling with some things so these feelings and thoughts have splattered all over my fics more than ever before.

oujisama - prince omiai - formal marriage meeting

if you'd like to leave feedback, please do so here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1604068&chapter=3 thanks!

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