-- Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't mine.

Inside and Out

It all started from nothing.

And then, now, it had become something very, very large. Maybe it shouldn't have become that way.

I glanced back at him again as I walked out of the door. Holding the knob with my right hand, I wondered if this was my fault. And when he realized where we were going too, he fell in love as hard as I did? Or did he know it first without really noticing it?

These were things you couldn't really predict in life.

You could fall in love with so many people and at so many different times. You couldn't control who you fell in love with, but what you did about it.
I wondered if I had done the right thing to be so insistent…

As I closed the door behind me, I grabbed a hold of my braid. Looking at my long hair, I wondered if there were other eighteen-year-olds that had hair as long as mine. He wouldn't ever let me cut it, that's why.

"Aki, don't cut your hair," he told me as he took a hold of it in his hands. With a chuckle, he put his face in front of mine suddenly and gave me a big grin.
"I don't think I could ever recognize Touya Akira without his weird hair."
"Weird?" I blink at him, already raring to go at the slight insult.
Still holding onto my hair, Hikaru laughed even more. "If you take it that way, then I'll have to make a bet with you."
"Over hair?" I sigh in exasperation. He always liked to compete that way also.
"Yes. Little by little I will take you," he said to me as the wind blew past us.

Giving him an annoyed, defiant look, I said, "And I wonder what you mean by that…"

Even more so, he caught me off-guard as he leaned over to whisper, "So don't ever cut your hair, Aki."

"What do I get in exchange?" I boldly asked him.

The wind had died and his face suddenly changed to a serious one. With determined and serious eyes, he told me, "My soul."

It was short and it was simple.
I didn't understand the implications or how deeply he meant by it, but he seemed very troubled by it at the same time. He believed in his own words and I forgave them just as much.

"What-" I was about to say, but he countered by interrupting with, "You've done something very wrong to me, Aki."

I blink at him, lost in his words and his eyes.
I've always been in love with the way he called me `Aki'. I wouldn't let anyone else call me that.

With a sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair while looking up to the cloudy sky. "I have to compete against everything."

But before he could explain that, he tugged on my sleeve and we went into the Go Institute for our matches.

That was a year ago today.
Did you remember that Hikaru? Could you possibly have imagined how hard it was all these years?

It took me three years to convince you.
And until now, there's something hanging over us.

It was like a sheet put in front of me. Only, it wasn't a sheet at all. It was an illuminated wall of white with you on the other side, knowing the answer to the riddle.
"You have to get through. Not around."

Today, you were tugging on my sleeve saying, "You're always so busy, and my schedule isn't any better."

"Why don't you just live with me, Hikaru?" I slipped into the conversation. Instead of giving me an answer, you avoided it. Strangely, in a way, I was a bit relieved. You jumped me, wanting to try something new in bed.

I wondered what it was that kept you away from me because I knew very well what was the obstacle, or rather, the obstacles, that stood in our way. You wouldn't have thought of external circumstances, so I knew it was inside of you. Buried way deep.

I was mad and upset at the unspoken answer and the overzealous attitude you gave to sex. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, but I felt more far away from you then closer.
I tried to kiss you to make you quiet, but it was also to calm down something deep inside your soul.

A part of you only I could touch.

I made some coffee and sat on the kitchen table with my arms on the table. As I stared out the window, it continued to rain relentlessly. It was like a woman crying until she couldn't do anything but cry. I didn't know why I thought of that all of a sudden, but it seemed appropriate.

"Your father and you. Always thinking of Go," my mother had again repeated when I visited her the other day.
I laughed because this time, I had `Hikaru' stamped on my brain and wanting to come out of my lips, but I dared not say a word.
Mother was happy to see me so cheerful. "You've changed," she said. "I'm glad you're back to yourself again."
"Back to myself?" I asked with my eyebrows raised.
"You're relaxed again. You have that bright look too, like when you were little."
"I don't understand, Mother."
She shook her head. "It's a mom thing. Just go to the Go salon before Hikaru-san and you fight all over again."
Drinking my tea and putting my cup on the table, I sighed. "No matter what, we always fight."
"Ichikawa-san tells me that you've not been getting along lately."
"He doesn't get the concepts I tell him."
As I got up to leave, she put her hand on my head. "Akira, I'm so happy you've found someone to become friends with."
At that, she let go and pushed me out the door. "Have fun!"
This was one of the few times that my mother was actually smiling in relation to Go.

I really wondered when competition became such obsessive affection… It was as childish as our spirits trying to battle each other on the Go board…

"Hikaru…" I sighed as I took a sip of my coffee and set the cup down with a tap. Looking at the rain fall harder and harder, I finished, "…how long can we keep this up?"

We're still fighting each other.
We're still fighting something deep inside of us.

And even when we look at each other, was that enough to get us through? Or were we going to fall apart because we think of one another too much?

I didn't know any of these answers.
The questions, the same as they had been years ago, were still the same.

Only this time, instead of how to get you to get to me…

I was wondering how to keep you.
Fighting with all I've got.

Because no matter how intense we were, there was something telling me that you wouldn't stay with me forever. Was that how life was supposed to be?

At that moment, Hikaru came into the kitchen and sighed at me. Putting his hand sleepily over his eyes, he opened his mouth to say, "Aki, what are you worrying for?"

He could read me so well with one look.

But before I could give a reason or try to protest against his single comment, he walked over to me and lifted me into his arms. Then, he sighed again. "Stop giving me that look! It's annoying!"

Hikaru always got mad, but I knew that he wasn't annoyed at all. He was frustrated too.
I hugged him back as he carried me back to bed.

Then, in a soft voice, he pleaded, "Aki…please stop worrying…just tell me what's on your mind then it'll save both of our sanities."

I held my breath for a moment.
I didn't know what to say.

I didn't know how to answer you, Hikaru.

Why was it that I could plan so much in my head but I could't even say one word about how I felt about anything?

People felt so much and words were so useless at the most important times.

I just grabbed onto his shirt with my fingers as we silently walked into the room.

"How am I supposed to understand when you don't explain anything to me?" He whispered into my ear warmly as he held me before placing me on the bed.

Tsuzuku… -- Author's note: After much contemplation, I have just decided to do this as a whole fic instead of splitting it into two fics that are related. I somehow found a way for everything to work together, therefore, this is just going to be a multi-chap instead. On the other hand, I will try a lot of new things and will jump back and forth. So if it gets too confusing, just be sure to pop me a question. ^_^ I will not try to put too many `techniques' into the story or else it will be too hard for me to write it, though.

if you'd like to leave feedback, please do so here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1604068&chapter=2 thanks!

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