Sandy: We Cohens are sexual beings.

The heights

Seth: I like to think I can convey everything with a look.
Kirsten: Well, you look adorable!
Seth: No.
Kirsten: Cute?
Seth: No.
Kirsten: Dope?
Seth: No.
Kirsten: Rad?
Seth: Please, please, this is so painful for me!
Kirsten: Hey Sandy, dosen't Seth look rad?
Sandy: Oh, you do look rad! Mad props son!

Seth: How do you do that? Convey your mood with a look?
[Ryan gives him a look]

Seth: The master race has been perfected, Ryan, and they all go to this school.

Anna Stern: Oh, so insulting him counts as speaking?
Summer: If it didn't we've never spoken.

Summer: Sailing is so not like the fastest way to get anywhere.

Sandy: You're brave to face the preppy little savages. And I mean the teachers.

The perfect couple

(Summer kisses Seth)
Summer: I...I just can't help it. And I certainly can't explain it - You didn't tell anyone?
Seth: Of course not.
Summer: 'Cause I'll kill you.
Seth: No, I believe you.

Marissa: Then what about dad?
Julie: Honey, we have no future together.
Marissa: Neither do we.

Summer: What is Seth Cohen doing with Tinkerbell? She's from Pittsburg. That's like the 909 of the East.
Marissa: Anna's cool
Summer: She's a little scammer; first thing she does is go after Caleb Nichols grandson. It's like totally obvious.
Marissa: Yes it is. That you’re jealous. You like Seth Cohen.

Seth: Yo.
Anna: What up holmes?
Seth: Chillin'
Anna: A'ight

Seth: So get this. Uh, Anna thinks all I ever do is talk about Summer. I mean that's crazy right?
Ryan: Want me to lie?
Seth: I'm that guy?, Dude how can I be that guy, I hate that guy. Well then no wonder Summer doesn't have any interest in me cause apparently all I do is talk about Summer although you'd think she'd like that.
Ryan: You’re doing it again.
Seth: Right.

Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic the Gathering.
Ryan: You still play Magic.
Seth: Yeah, but not as much.

Seth: Wait hang on, I'm not going anywhere until somebody tells me what happened last night, Mom please fill me in. MOM!! Oh I get it, I'm just here for the comic relief.

Summer: [explaining why she had detention] There was a Paul Frank sale. I figure that’s more important than the fall of the Ming Dynasty. I mean, what am I supposed to learn? That opium is gnarly?

The homecoming

Sandy: So Anna, what's the deal? Your parents don't believe in celebrating the genocide of the American Indians?

Kirsten: We're just working away.
Seth: If by "we" you mean "you," then someone violated the pact.
Kirsten: There's a pact?

Ryan: The new Titans is kinda cooler.
Seth: Are you kidding? He's in prison. Legion would be great. I mean, have you seen Oz? I'm sure that'll be fine.

Anna: So, this is your crib? This is where all the magic happens?
Seth: Well, if by magic, you're referring to the card game, then, sadly, yes.

Seth: Nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork.

Seth: Ryan. That's extremely minty of you. I didn't even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they had dancing. Or... laughter.
Ryan: That's because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
Seth: So, we finally agree I'm the funny one. Well look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving.

Seth: Hey did you guys hear? Ryan's funny now. Haha

Seth: You know what I dream about when I dream about Thanksgiving, which is often? I dream about eating so much deliciousness that all the blood rushes to my stomach and I pass out at the table. Please don’t deny me that!

Seth: Mom, you're uncomfortably close to the corn! Can you just back up a little?

Seth: I liked it so much better when you had no sense of humor.

Seth: Now, uh, despite what the Penthouse letters might suggest, two girls and one guy, uh, uh, no, no, it’s not really all it’s cracked up to be.

The secret

Luke: Maybe I should just blow it off. Hit the beach. Let people get it out of their systems.
Ryan: No, it doesn't work like that. It's been three months and I'm still the kid from Chino who burned a house down.
Marissa: And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.
Seth: Yeah ... and I'm still - I'm still - well, I'm still Seth Cohen.

Seth: defiantly I'm not scared of Summer and Anna. [pauses] Well, I'm not scared of Anna.

Seth: You and Luke? Holy unholy alliance!

Seth: Do I have a fever? I think I may have a fever and/or the chills. I can't go to school today.
Ryan: Maybe you have the Summer flu.
Seth: Yeah, its November, but its possible.
Ryan: Maybe you need some Anna-biotics.

Sandy: You have to go to yogalaties!
Kirstin: I think you just like saying that.
Sandy: I kind of do... yogalaties...yogalaties..

Seth: Right, stupid I know. Let me start by saying nothing in my life, nothing prepared me for that fateful Thanksgiving. But I’m not going to make any excuses for what I did. I just want to say one little thing in my defense, which is, you can’t really blame me for wanting the company of either of you two. And I know that I hurt your feelings and I feel bad about that. I do. But, please believe me when I say it wasn’t intentional, okay? Because I wouldn’t do anything to ruin our friendship. Or ‘ships.' So look, I know I have no right to ask, I just hope that someday you both can forgive me. Okay, so yeah, thanks for your time.

Seth: Okay, it’s just that, after all the years of Luke calling me gay, I don’t know, I think it’s great that now the shoe’s on the other…actually it’s on his dad’s foot, but you get the symmetry I’m going for.

The best Chrismukkah

Seth: So, what’s it going to be, huh? You want your menorah or a candy cane, hmm? Christmas or Hanukkah?
Ryan: Um… I’m not-
Seth: Ah! Don’t worry about it buddy, because in this house, you don’t have to choose. Allow me to introduce to you a little something that I like to call… Chrismukkah.

Ryan: Chrismukkah?
Seth: That’s right. It’s the new holiday, Ryan, and it’s sweeping the nation.

Seth: I saved a spot for you right there. Put your muscle into it. Excellent. To the right a little. To the right, don’t hurt it. Those needles are brittle. That’s perfect. (Starts clapping) You guys… you guys… “A+”. “A+”. I love the holidays. I love them all.
Kirsten: We didn’t really know how to raise Seth.
Seth: Yeah, so I raised myself, and in doing so, I created the greatest super holiday known to mankind, drawing on the best that Christianity and Judaism have to offer.
Ryan: And you call it Chrismukkah.
Seth: [gasps] Just hearing you say it makes me feel all festive.

[Seth walks over to Sandy.]
Seth: You see, for my father here, a poor struggling Jew growing up in the Bronx, well, Christmas meant Chinese food and a movie. [He now walks over to Kirsten.]
Seth: And for my mom over here – WASPy McWASP – well, it meant a tree, it meant stockings and all the trimmings. Isn’t that right?
Sandy: We’re very proud.
Kirsten: I’m not a WASP.
Seth: Sure, you’re not. Other highlights include eight days of presents followed by one day of many presents. So, what do you think?

Seth: Hey, dip a toe in the Chrismukkah pool. There’s room for all of us.

Kirsten: Isn’t there something in the Atwood family tradition that you would like to incorporate into Seth’s uber holiday?
Ryan: Atwood and holidays is not a good combination.
Sandy: What did you guys do?
Ryan: No, seriously, thanks, but uh…
Seth: Come on, man. There’s got to be something.
Ryan: My holiday memories pretty much consist of my mom drunk and me getting my ass kicked.

Ryan: I was in the shower for five minutes. How did this place turn into Santa’s workshop?

Seth: Stop it, right now, okay? Don’t give up on the miracle that is Chrismukkah. What is happening to you…? You’ll see. You’ll see, too. You’ll all see. You’ll all see. [takes sip of drink]
Ryan: You’re really starting to scare me.
Seth: I’m okay with that.

Kirsten: You should be so lucky. Look, I haven’t taken a vacation in a while, and I’m… easing into it.
Seth: Oh, yeah. I don’t judge, okay? I only mock.

Kirsten: That you get from your father.
Seth: Oh, my God. They’re coming in? [checks his eyebrows]
Seth: Oh, that’s… I got you.

Seth: What? What is it? Is Grandpa going crazy with the company credit card again? What is it this time? Hookers? A little blow, perhaps? Grandpa likes to dance with you, white lady.

Seth: Ryan, that sort of reminds me of the story of Hanukkah, dude. Check it out. The lamp. You know what? I think you get the gist. How was the mall?
Ryan: Weird.
Seth: Yes. You’ve really painted a picture for me. I feel like I was there.

Seth: I have no idea. I don’t know. No female’s ever really offered me a, uh, choice, per se, I’ve really only know how to handle rejection. And ridicule. I have a really good handle on ridicule.

Seth: Oh yeah. They both know that. Come on, man, relax. Look, it’s a big party, okay? You might be all doom and gloom, but me, check it out: I’m snowflakes. I’m latkes. Chrismukkah is coming.
Ryan: And when Chrismukkah ends?
Seth: [gasps] I hate when Chrismukkah ends.

Sandy: Well, Chrismukkah’s ruined.
Seth: Ah! Don’t even say it, man. Come on. Chrismukkah is unruinable. It’s got twice the resistance of any normal holiday.

Seth: All right. I’m going to go make magic happen. I feel like my hair is working for me tonight.

Seth: Anna. Hey.
Anna: Mistletoe.
[he holds up a piece of mistletoe and gives him a peck on the cheek]
Seth: Oh. Oh, that’s very festive of you. Uh, I thought we were meeting there. I’m going with my parents.
Anna: Well, I was thinking maybe we could go together.
Seth: I would love to do that. You know I would. But don’t you think that would violate our little Geneva Convention of dating we have going on? ‘Cause I told Summer that, you know, I’d meet both of you there.
Anna: Well, how is Summer ever going to know?
[The doorbell rings again, door opens]
Summer: Mistletoe. What is she doing here?
Anna: What are you doing here?
Summer: I thought we had a deal, Cohen.
Anna: Which you clearly violated.
Summer: As did you.
Seth: She’s got a point.
Anna: You’re on her side?
Seth: No. There are no sides, you guys. There’s only um… rides with my parents. We’ll all go together. Hmm?
Anna: Fine.
Summer: Fine.

Ryan: You better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle.
Seth: I’ve got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.

The countdown

Sandy: You guys need anything?
Seth: Yes. Ryan needs a tear in the space time continuum.

Sandy: She's crammed that poor Tivo full of every E! Hollywood Special ... I think she's looking for tips.
Sandy: She's either run out of money, or ... she's run out of money.

Seth: Okay, that's a lot of genitalia in my pool.

Seth: Separate seats, you guys. Come on, there's no sex in the champagne room.

Ryan: Well I didn't want you to be alone.
Seth: I'm not alone. I have Captain Oats and Carson Daly.

Sandy: I should really learn how to knock..... In case there's a threesome going on in my bedroom.

The third wheel

Sandy: Anyone going to be doing drugs?
Seth: I hope so. Otherwise it'd be a lame rock concert.

Luke: New year's resolution: punch people less. Ryan: Yeah. Mine, too.

Seth to Ryan: You forgot your balls.
Hailey: I'm broke and sleeping at my sister's.
Jimmy: I'm broke and my wife is sleeping with your father.

Ryan: You're a coward.
Seth: Am I? Or am I just too sensitive to the feelings of others?
Sandy (to Kirsten): She's cluttering up the TiVo. A clear TiVo is a clear mind.

Seth: to a singing Luke Hey man, you know who sings this song?
Luke: Rooney!!!
Seth: Yeah. And it should stay that way.

Summer: Well, Anna, I have to say that Rose never would’ve pulled that New Year’s stunt on Blanche. Although Blanche would’ve done it to Rose, so…

[Luke singing in background]
Oliver: So Luke...
Seth: Yeah we don’t let him out much.

The links

Ryan: I don't play golf.
Seth: Not true, buddy! You don't play golf very well.

Anna [to Seth]: How come when she says 'friends' it sounds like a threat?

Anna [to Seth]: Looks like Summer's not the only one whose lost their balls.

Hailey: Julie, your hair.
Julie: Hailey, you're here.

Ryan: I don't do nice and easy.

Seth: Oh, dinner at six, in bed by eight. Anna, my old Jewish man is very happy right now.

Seth: Okay, they can put a man on the moon, correct? And they can’t serve Egg McMuffin past 10:30 a.m.? Can’t figure it out. Doesn’t make sense!

Sandy [to Kirsten]: Oh, God. The ugly Americans are coming home back. So when's your father and Julie coming in?

Summer: I was just trying add a little culture to our lives.
Seth: The audio version of the 'Da Vinci Code' is not my idea of culture.
Summer: But it's a true story!

Seth [to Anna]: If the orthopedic shoe fits.

Seth [to Summer]: I'm not weak, just delicate.

Summer: What are you? Like 70?
Seth: On the inside yes.

Summer: I was being sarcastic.
Marissa: So was I.
Summer: Which we never were before Cohen showed up and introduced us to irony. Jackass.

The rivals

Seth: Embrace the friend.
Oliver: Marissa and I have the exact same schedule. What are the odds?

Ryan: What if he's violent?
Seth: Gee, new guy shows up, violent, angry, prone to punching people...that would be really weird.

Seth (to Ryan): That letter is like THE RING, anyone who reads it is going to die.

Sandy: I'm Sandy.
Danny: Why don't you take a shower.

(Discussing Danny)
Sandy: Whoa, that kid is not funny.
Seth: Thank you. I know.
Sandy: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.
Sandy: Gentiles. I love your mother more than words, but not funny. Get yourself some funnier friends.

Seth: He watches Leno. That explains everything.

Summer: Believe it or not, Betty and Veronica had a huge influence on me.

Marissa: Well that’s what Ryan does. He punches people, he doesn’t talk to them.

Summer: I guess I really will end up bitter and alone.

The truth

Juile: We're celebrating my new position.
Sandy: I'm not gonna touch that one.
Oliver: She's gonna get a restraining order against you.
Ryan: Really, what's that like?

Julie: Really? The boy who lives in the pool house is warning me about the boy who lives in the penthouse?

Seth: You don't think that's a little crazy?
Luke: Dude, have you met Oliver?
Anna: So I guess you and mrs cohen have a lot in common
Sandy: Sure sure, we both love...uhh....seth

Summer: Woh, Coop. So that means that we're both single now. Which...ROCKS?

Julie: Wait till you see your furniture, kiki. It's very fresh, danish, helllloooo.

Seth: You don't think that's a little crazy?
Luke: Have you met Oliver?

Seth: You know how excited I get turning people on to comics.
Anna: I know how excited you get turning Summer on.

The heartbreak

Seth: I was like a fish flopping around on dry land. I was like Nemo and I just wanted to go home.

(Summer removes her shirt)
Seth: Whatever you say, Summer. Yes. Yes.

Sandy: It's great that you hung in there after all the foreplay.
Seth: Fore what now?

Ryan: What did you do to your eye?
Seth: It's just a little bit blurry. Summer poked me in it with her big toe.
Ryan: What, why?
Seth: I don't know man, it was an accident, there were limbs everywhere, I'm lucky I can still see.

Seth: Well, Ryan, I'm a man now. Not just like an after-your-Bar Mitzvah-man, but a man man. I had sex with a girl. Summer to be more specific.
Ryan: How was it?
Seth: I had sex!
Ryan: That bad?
Seth: No, not that bad, just kinda weird.

Marissa: Are you limping?
Summer: Yeah, Cohen kneed me in the leg.
Marissa: Why?
Summer: Must have read it in Kama Sutra.
Marissa: So you guys had sex again?
Summer: If you can call it that. There were like limbs, everywhere.

Seth: Do you have any tips or words of wisdom?
Ryan: Do it again.
Seth: I was afraid you'd say that.

Sandy: We Cohens are sexual beings.

Seth: She's just Captain Oats' type.
Summer: Tell him to keep his hooves off.

Marissa: He hates me.
Summer: He doesn't hate you.
Marissa: He turned down sex.
Summer: You might be on to something.

Sandy: What are we fighting about?
Kirsten: I don't know, but it's serious!

Sandy: I'm sorry I'm late, crusading for the rich and dysfunctional is extremely time consuming.

Summer: I'm busy, studying, naked.
Seth Cohen: Is that supposed to keep me away.
Summer: Cohen?

Seth: One day when I'm reflecting on my life, I think I'm going to remember these chats before the big events as my favorite times.
Sandy: The appetizer is as good as the main course.
Seth: Swallowing a little throw up.
Kirsten: Sometimes you make it hard to hate you.
Sandy: I know, it's part of my charm.
Kirsten: And sometimes you make it easy.

Seth Cohen: So, that was sex.
Summer: Yup.
Seth Cohen: I'm going to go.
Summer: Me too.
Seth Cohen: But you live here.
Summer: I meant downstairs.
Seth Cohen: Oh, okay.
Summer: Perfect.

Seth: Things with Summer now are more messed up than they were before the awful fish sex.
Ryan: I wouldn't refer to it as "Fish Sex" again.

Sandy: Hey I got you.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, drunk.
Seth Cohen: Hey, only child here.

Seth Cohen: See I feel you didn't get your money's worth last night.
Summer: If you make a bang for your buck joke right now, you're gone.

Summer: No more talking, Cohen.
Seth Cohen: Whatever you say Summer.

Summer: That's her.
Marissa: That's her.
Summer: She's hot. For Chino.

Haley: Asbestos and Champaign, what could be more romantic.

Summer: That other night... when we... had sex.
Seth Cohen: Yeah.
Summer: You weren't the only virgin in the room.
Seth Cohen: There was someone else in the room, like filming us.

Seth [to Captain Oats]: Not to rub it in, man, but I think Princess Sparkle was your type.

Seth: [on having a protection] Oh. Yeah! In my wallet! I was beginning to view it, as, uh, a rabbit’s foot, for good luck only, but that’s…

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