Confusing my Mind

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Chapter 1 The bitter-sweet smell of tobacco filled Goku's nostrils as he inhaled the scent from Sanzo's room.

It was late afternoon, and Sanzo was taking a nap.

The past few weeks had been very depressing for him.

Maybe Sanzo was feigning ignorance or something, but one thing was for sure.

He was being cruel to him, not at all loving.

All Goku could think of was why he was like this.

He paused outside the front door, wondering and waiting.

"Yo, saru!"

Gojyo stood behind him.

"You gonna move or not?"

Goku moved hurriedly aside.

Silence for a while, then a loud gunshot.

"GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" Sanzo's familiar voice screamed.

"What's wrong with me just using your lighter?!" Gojyo ran out, clutching his head.

"You'll probably contaminate it with all your kappa germs!" Sanzo fired again.

"Ahh!" Gojyo squeaked and ran downstairs.

"Hmph. And what are YOU looking at?" Sanzo snapped at Goku.

"N-nothing..." Goku turned his face away, as tears rushed to his eyes.

"Good. It better not be." Sanzo slammed the door in Goku's face.

Goku ran.

He ran, his tears blinding him as he collided into Hakkai.

"Ah! Gomen nasai, Goku."

Hakkai noticed Goku crying silently.

"Goku? Hey... what's wrong?"

Goku wiped away his tears with embarrassment, looked up into those green eyes for a moment, then tore his gaze away from that face that could see through anyone.

"N-No... nothing Hakkai."

Hakkai grabbed his arm. "Please tell me Goku! I know something's wrong!"

"It's nothing!" Goku wrenched his arm free of the green-eyed man's strong yet gentle grip.

"Goku!"

Goku ran up the corridor and locked himself in his room. Once he was inside, he curled up into the smallest ball he could and sobbed uncontrollably.

'What did I ever do?'

He had missed the softness of Sanzo's lips and his gentle embrace.

'Sanzo, what did I do to make you hate me?!'

He pounded the bed with his fists, tightly balled into fists.

'Why don't you tell me you love me anymore? You don't love me anymore, do you?'

He remembered the first time with Sanzo.

The beauty of Sanzo's eyes up close.

And the love in them.

'WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!'

Then his fists stopped beating the bed and his muscles relaxed.

A wave of sadness and exhaustion came over Goku and he cried his heart out.

Chapter 2 "Goku?"

Hakkai's voice.

"OI SARU!"

Gojyo's voice.

"Chc. Baka."

Sanzo's voice.

Full of annoyance.

"S-Sanzo! What did I do Sanzo?"

No reply.

"SANZO! TELL ME! WHAT DID I DO?!"

Goku woke up, sweating and shaking.

He looked over at the window.

The night air was fresh and cool and floated in.

"Goku? Goku, I'm coming in."

Hakkai opened the door and walked in.

"Goku, are you ok?"

Goku sighed loudly and looked down. Great, now Hakkai was worrying about him.

"There's dinner downstairs, Goku."

"I'm not hungry."

"What? Did I just hear the baka saru say he wasn't hungry?"

Oh fuck. It was Gojyo.

"Urusai, Gojyo!" he yelled.

"The great, almighty Sanzo-sama is downstairs ya know."

Goku looked up.

"Umm... ok. I'll come downstairs."

        ****

Sanzo didn't even twitch when the other 3 arrived at the table.

He turned the page of his papers casually and said "What's to eat?"

"The usual." said Hakkai. "Nikumans and such."

Goku glanced at him.

Sanzo pretended not to have seen him.

After dinner, they did their own thing.

Sanzo smoking and reading, Gojyo drinking, Hakkai cleaning up.

Goku stole several glances at all of them.

How could they be so ...normal?

Especially as Sanzo had become a totally different person.

To his eyes.

He was suffering, but he wouldn't admit it to anyone.

Hakkai would make too much of a fuss, Gojyo would scoff and say how stupid he was, and Sanzo... Sanzo wouldn't care enough.

He looked at Sanzo once more, then at which point Sanzo said "Why the fuck do you keep looking at me, baka saru?!"

"A-Ano..."

"You're fucking annoying, you know that? So just say it!"

"I-I... Sanzo, what's WRONG with you?"

What are you talking about?" Sanzo didn't even look up.

"Sanzo. Sanzo. WHY?! Why are you treating me like this?! I. I."

Sanzo put down his papers, removed his glasses and looked at Goku straight in the eye.

"Shut the fuck up."

"What. what did you say?" Goku's eyes brimmed with tears again.

"I said SHUT THE GODDAM HELL UP!!!!!!!!"

Sanzo leaned forward and punched Goku in the gut.

Chapter 3 Sanzo carried Goku up.

Stupid bastard.

He didn't understand anything, did he?

He didn't understand that Sanzo had to stay by his beliefs, no matter who they were around.

But maybe... maybe he was a little harsh on Goku...

Because he couldn't stay mad at his little baka forever.

And he remembered the first time Goku had confessed his love for him.

Sanzo smiled one of his rare smiles.

Poor guy.

Sanzo couldn't help but feel a stab of guilt as he laid Goku on his bed and stripped off his shirt, examining the bruise he had delivered the boy.

He ran his fingers slowly over it, exploring the curve of his navel.

Gazing at Goku, Sanzo wanted nothing more than to fit himself around Goku's warm, comforting body.

Maybe later.

Sanzo drew away from Goku's peaceful body and lit a cig, relishing the smoky, earthy taste.

And somehow, that taste reminded him of Goku.

        ****

Goku woke up, chest bare, his eyes still wet with tears.

Sanzo sat by his bed, smoking.

That scent engulfed Sanzo and embraced Goku.

"Sanzo."

"What?"

"Do. do you hate me?"

Sanzo put his glasses in their case and sighed loudly.

"Tell me Sanzo!"

Sanzo looked at him in the eye, then pinned him to the bed.

"Baka." he whispered softly, so that it was no more than a breath.

"If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand."

The next few minutes for Goku were pure pleasure.

Sanzo's tongue dipped in and out of his mouth while his calloused hands buried themselves in his hair.

Goku let a content smile drift slowly to his mouth, lighting up his boyish yet handsome face.

Sanzo pulled away from Goku's soft, kissable lips and began nibbling his ear.

"Mmm, Sanzo..."

"Nani?" Sanzo began kissing Goku's slender neck.

"Harahetta..."

Sanzo laughed softly into his skin.

"You should've eaten something, baka saru."

"I wasn't hungry at the time!"

Sanzo laughed again.

"Am I the only one that can make you that depressed Goku-chan?"

"Yeah. Seems to be."

"Chc."

        ****

Hakkai smiled after hearing the moans from Sanzo's room.

"It's so obvious, isn't it?" Gojyo said.

"What?"

"The way they love each other."

"Of course." Hakkai smiled again.

"It's nice to know that that droopy-eyed dude and the baka saru can get along so well."

Hakkai laughed. "It had to happen to them some day ..."

"Uh huh? And what about us?"

"We're like them aren't we?"

Gojyo grinned.

"We're different." he licked his lips and pounced on Hakkai.

Chapter 4 Dark cinnamon hair that buried long, slender fingers.

Beautiful amethyst irises that wandered within the depths of large golden brown orbs.

One had to admit to the other; he was beautiful.

But in very different ways.

Sanzo's long eyelashes and lithe, slender limbs gave him an almost feminine appearance.

Goku's short brown hair, ruffled out to look untidy and uncombed and his huge golden eyes made him look childish, yet beautiful nevertheless.

Sanzo let his rough but gentle hands softly caress the boy's face.

Even though he would never admit it out loud, Sanzo would do anything for Goku. Die for him even.

Sanzo scoffed at his own loyalty.

'Aren't you going against your own word?'

Maybe Sanzo was.

But he realised he had never been happy until he met the boy and he... he regretted whatever he did to make his lover hurt.

"I'm sorry, Goku." he whispered softly.

Goku nuzzled Sanzo's pale long neck.

"It's alright Sanzo. I'm sure you had a reason."

"But I..." Sanzo tilted Goku's face up. "I feel guilt."

Goku blushed, crimson red staining those soft smooth cheeks.

Sanzo traced Goku's lean, muscled chest with his fingertips.

And even that, that gentle, loving caress sent a wave of pleasure crashing through Goku's body.

Sanzo had done far more than that before and Goku shivered with ecstasy when he thought of what Sanzo could do again.

Goku... Sanzo's only desire... his treasure... his everything...

Goku was thinking about how Sanzo had given him a better life at the exact same time.

Everything... everything between them would last forever...

'Kami-sama... let me hold him and never let him go... cuz he's just so fucking beautiful...'

Sanzo kissed Goku fervently, his lips wandering down his neck, savouring his flavour.

Especially when it was mixed with his own.

Their skin had rubbed tantalisingly together when they were making love.

Intense sighs coming from each other's mouths, tongues entwining...it was all so perfect...

"Are you still hungry, saru?" "I had my fair share." Goku grinned naughtily as he eyed Sanzo's crotch.

"You are such a bad saru...."

"But my fair share wasn't enough! SAAAAAAAAANZO! HARAHETTA!"

Sanzo laughed softly and lay Goku down again.

"Ok, let's try again."

        ****

Hakkai gasped for air as Gojyo released him from his tight grip.

"Ahh... was that hard enough, Hakkai?"

"Yes." Hakkai smiled his beautiful, tender smile that he knew Gojyo admired.

Gojyo lit a cig, his lungs inhaling the sweetness of the tobacco.

Not anywhere near as sweet as Hakkai's scent though.

Gojyo finally understood why all he had ever wanted with a woman was a one night stand.

He had always loved this youth with the smiling, serene face and the piercing green eyes.

Plus, Gojyo loved the way Hakkai always cared about others and put others first before himself.

And he admired the way he could drink.

Gojyo let a small smile take over his face as he remembered the time that they had won that drinking contest because of Hakkai.

Hakkai crawled over and nibbled Gojyo's collarbone.

"Hey, I'm smoking. Wouldn't want the bed to catch fire, would we?"

"No, of course not." Hakkai buried his face in Gojyo's neck.

Gojyo rested his hand on Hakkai's head and sighed.

He couldn't help but wonder what the other two bakas were up to...

        ****

"What are you thinking of now?"

Goku snuggled closer to Sanzo.

"You. Why anything else?"

"You could be thinking about food or something..."

"But you're way more important then all the food in the world, Sanzo."

"Hmph. If you insist..." Sanzo leaned over and kissed Goku.

"Ya know something Sanzo?"

"What?" "I don't think it'll matter if we die. Cuz I believe that you and I will be together forever. And Hakkai and Gojyo will be too. For all I care, we could be dead right now."

"What makes you think that?"

"We can't be alive. Especially not you and me. Because..."

Goku let cherry red flush his cheeks again.

"Because this is way too good to be real. This surely, has gotta be heaven."

The boy looked up at the young monk with smiling eyes that beamed with happiness so much that it almost rivalled the sun.

Sanzo smiled back.

The baka saru was right. But maybe he could prove him wrong again...

"No." he said softly. "This ain't heaven. It's just a little bit of it."

"Yeah. That's it. A little bit of heaven."

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Chapter 5 Ohio! There have been so many requests for me to continue my fic, so I'll do just 1 more chapter! But if you have any good ideas, I'll be glad to hear them ^^ And I'm not gonna concentrate on First Nite for a while until I get some good ideas Arigatou *bows* AHC ^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^

Forget his solitude.

Forget everything.

Sanzo knew it would be hard, too hard, to become a different person.

But for Goku's sake...

He never ever wanted to hurt Goku the way he did again.

He hated himself for wounding him so much, almost to the point of breaking him.

Sanzo opened one lavender eye and looked straight ahead, gazing at Goku's peaceful, sleeping face.

The monk reached out and fingered the youth's youryoku limiter, then brought his face closer and kissed the bridge of his nose.

Goku's eyes were beginning to open, his eyelashes brushing against Sanzo's cheeks.

Sanzo's thumb lingered lovingly on Goku's plump, soft bottom lip and brought his chin closer so he could kiss him.

And he did, Sanzo's tongue slowly running from the tip of Goku's nose to slide into his mouth, drinking from Goku.

Goku wrapped his arms around Sanzo, running his hands along his spine.

"I love you Goku." Sanzo whispered into his mouth. "I never want to let you go."

Goku drew away and sat up, the bottom half of his body covered by the sheets.

"Do you mean that, Sanzo?"

"Baka saru!" Sanzo's fan came out of nowhere, hitting Goku on the forehead.

"Ow!! Sanzo!"

"Never ask me a stupid question like that again."

".........So do you?"

WHACK!

Goku sniffed and pouted.

"Baka." Sanzo scolded, his tone softening. "Of course I love you."

The childish frown on Goku's face vanished and was replaced by a large, beaming smile.

"I love you too, Sanzo!" he almost cried with happiness, launching himself into the blonde's arms.

Sanzo, within himself, sighed.

He wouldn't be able to change, especially since his little saru was so naive.

Chc.

He wished the baka would hurry up and mature so that he could leave himself and be more loving.

They heard a faint knocking at the door.

"Time to go, saru."

Goku laughed while pouting childishly.

"Don't call me that!"

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