Artificial Intelligence

• If all else fails, it's because you're a loser!
• If you gave me a dollar for all my good thoughts,and taken a penny for all my bad thoughts, then I'm filing for bankrupcy!
• If life is a highway, then I must have missed the detour.
• If life hands you a lemon, make lemonade...but if it hands you a tomato, throw it back at the media.
• See a nickel - pick it up...Then all day, you'll have 5 times the luck you would normally have if you found a penny.
  

Sarcastically Stupid Stuff to Say in Certain Situations
(Say this 5 times, like, reeeelly fast)

• If your sister's friend walks out of the bathroom wearing only a towel, walk up to her and say, "Excuse me...I just dropped my load - will you bend over and lick it up for me?"
  
• If you see an ex walk by you with a new 'love toy':
  if you're a woman, look at the guy and say, "...so...is she the reason why you now can afford that new sports car?"
  if you're a man, look at the girl for a moment, then turn to the guy and say, "Nice babe! How much?"
  
• If any of your friends have ever engaged in anal sex, tell this friend, in the most ironic voice possible, "You should stock up on some SPF 30 cause you're goin' ta Hell!
  
• If you are riding in an elevator full of people, stare at someone for a long time and when they notice you, jump back, as in shock, and say, "Oh no! You're one of...them!
  
• If you are in a long line at the bank, tap the shoulder of the person in front of you and whisper this in their ear: "Excuse me...do you know how to clean the barrel of a .357 magnum?" Follow it by grinning in the most evil way possible.
  
• During January, if you are late for a class (or work), and if you are asked why, respond by saying, "I couldn't run or anything...my pubes are froze to my legs!"

Wise Wisdom from Forrest Gump

• "Ma mamah used ta sayee thayt life eis like uh box uve chocolates...wharevah thayt maens. Ma papah sayeed thayt ma mamah wuz like uh box uve chocolates tew...he alhwayees sayeed everywun wonted uh pieece uve hurr."
  

• "Ma mamah alhwayees sayeed thayt steuped eis az steupid duhhs...ma papah just used ta sayee thayt ma mama wuz a steupid bitch."
  

• "Nowh, ma mamah alhwayees sayeed thayt ma papah reaeih luvd mae...then she just sayeed thayt thayt wuz just a li'l white lie, ahnd thayt eit wooden't hert anybodae..."
  

• "Jenny, ei hayve uh raaht hayend - ei noh whut luv eis."

Imagine what it would be like if I was on Jeporady...

Alex: "Randy, you go first."
Randy: "Ok...let's start with 'Medical Breakthroughs' for $100, Alex."
Alex: "Alright. 'Doctors recommend that you have this at least twice a year to maintain normal health'".
Larry: "What is sex?"
Alex: "If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you!"
Randy: "What is a shower?"
Alex: "Correct. Select again."
Randy: "Let's try 'American Presidents' for $100."
Alex: "Alright. 'He was our first President'".
Waldo: "Who was George Washignton?"
Alex: "No! That's incorrect! And God that was so stupid!"
Larry: "Uh...who was...um...Abraham Washignton??!"
Alex: "Correct. Select."
Larry: "Let's try 'American Presidents' for $200."
Alex: "Alright. 'He had a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky'".
Waldo: "Who is William 'Bill' Clinton?"
Alex: Good question. Whe the hell is this 'Bill' charactor, anyway?"
Larry: "Sinner you! Sinner you, Waldo!!
Randy: "That's kind of a trick question - Lewinsky's had sex with every President we had after Jimmy Carter!"
Alex: "Good point...Correct again..."

Your ass...kinda

Everyone uses those li'l smily faces ( :) ), but have you ever thought of other things? Here are a few you can try.

(_!_).........A regular ass
(__!__).......A fat ass
(!)...........A tight ass
(_^^_)........A bubble ass
(_*_).........A sore ass
{_!_}.........A swishy ass
(_o_).........An ass that's been around
(_x_).........Kiss my ass
(_X_).........Leave my ass alone
(_zzz_).......A tired ass
(_o^^o_)......A wise ass
(_E=3D3Dmc2_).A smart ass
(_$_).........Money coming out of his ass
(_?_).........A dumb ass

...what's the difference between a smart ass and a wise ass?

The Life of an Egg

If you think life is bad.......How would you like to be an egg?

• You only get laid once.
  
• You only get eaten once.
  
• It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
  
• Only 2 minutes to get soft.
  
• You share your box with 11 other guys.
  

  But worst of all.....

• The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!
So tell this to someone who you feel can use a good lay...I mean day.

Only In America...

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
  
• are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
  
• do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions...
  
• do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet Coke...
  
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
  
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage...
  
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
  
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
  
• do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

And now, a message to the racist bastards in this world:

A Black Man's Observations

When I was born.....................I was BLACK
When I grow up......................I am BLACK
When I am sick......................I am BLACK
When I go out in the sun............I am BLACK
When I go out in the cold...........I am BLACK
When I die......................... I am BLACK

But you white folk:

When you are born....................You are PINK
When you grow up.....................You are WHITE
When you are sick....................You turn GREEN
When you go out in the sun...........You turn RED
When you go out in the cold..........You turn BLUE
When you die.........................You turn PURPLE

...and you have the nerve to call me "COLORED"?!!

(note: this is placed here in the hopes that people will read it and realize that we may be different colored on the outside, but, when we are cut, we all bleed red blood...we are the same in the inside. --Randy)

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