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Sorry for the lack of updates..it's been a while and I have been preocupied with other endevors that are non silly related. Work really isn't being done at all on the movie/skit production as of recent..there's still lots of stuff, and then next step is actually to do it I suppose..oh yeah and get a video camera..oh well whatever. anyways please sign the guestbook, check out the ole ponderplace and give me lots of feedback, thanks oh yeah and as usual..if you would like to help the production in anyway be sure to contact me (Tbone) at firstname.lastname@example.org. thanks so much.
Sign the guestbook and you could win an autographed copy of the drawing...Botswanna the horned african dingo...be sure to mention it somewhere in the guestbook entry!!!!!
yeah I did do a spell check along time ago on the rants..but I know there's lots of mistakes in the new ones so..use common sense to figure out what my insane bablly is about..well as much as possible that is..thanks
Well kids I realized that I usually have some free time when i'm on the computer, so I thought, hey why not create a webpage that allows me to share the questions that I sometimes ponder. As well as little things in everyday life that I find somewhat amusing or ironic..or both.
Well here goes nothing:
Right....picked up a bottle of that new dole orange juice the other day.. guess what, they've done now. Don't ask me how..don't ask me why...don't ask me anything, but somehow somebody figured out how to put more vitamin c into orange juice. Now I'm sorry...once you reach 100% I'm kind of thinking that you've made it...nope not for dole...These guys have 130% vitamin C in their orange juice...How in the hell do you get more then one hundred percent of anything into anything...did they like remove some of the orange juice and then drop in some vitamin C tablets and let them disolve....well according to the label, probably not since it's not only one hundred thirty percent vitamin C enhanced, but it's 100% pure orange juice. Now I would be forced to believe that if it's all orange juice then there's no way in hell that there could be more vitamin C in there then any other orange juice, it just makes no sense...I mean shouldn't all pure orange juice have the same damned content of vitamin C???..you think they like put their oranges on some kind of steroids?...like some kind of super oranges..hell maybe their cloning oranges now, you thinkn? and altering the vitamin C in it..hmm..interesting. And you know what else? why stop at 130% of vitamin C...by god why not go all out...blow peoples minds..put in 300% vitamin C..yeah i'm talking dangerous levels here..i'm talking the crack cocaine version of orange juice..let it all out..no holds barred my friends. Yeah, now that's how I want my orange juice..oh and maybe it could glow or something something..hell i don't know...hmmm instead of like using electricity you could just be able to like run cities power needs off like orchards of orange trees...wow......anyways, I think i'm done now.
Ah yes Valentines day has once again come and gone and Hopefully everyone who could be was with their sweetheart this year..anyways enough of that crap. Check this out I was looking at a box of choclates I got myself this year...and after eating several I noticed something very ironic and funny. You know how anything you eat has those lovely little nutrition facts...even the things that really have no nutrition at all...well just take a wild freaking guess where the nutrition facts were located on this specific box of choclates...go ahead..guess...did you guess?...good, anyways underneath the choclates...obscured completely from view lie the nutrition facts for this box of choclates. Boy no..I don't think that was intentional..do you? I mean come on why would they want to hide the nutrition facts on a delicious delicacy such as a box of choclates..I mean is it that fucking bad...that not only is it NOT on the outside of the box..not even on the inside of the lid...but beneath the god damned choclates...so like you have to eat the damned things to even realize that the facts are down there...very tricky very tricky indeed that's like putting the nutrition facts for a can of soda on the inside bottom of the can...crazy stuff..oh well crazy shit makes the world go around I suppose.
This next one here has props to a Mr. Chad Aden a fellow county market associate...Chad being employeed in the meat department...or coco as I refer to him affectionately...has random little jobs to be done regularly such as waiting on customers at the meat counter....making up baked potatoes...and then of course there is getting the breaded tenderloins ready. Well recently chad noticed something amusing on the boxes that the tenderloin breading come in. On the box there is a warning to the affect of...."Handle with care contents are fragile". Now lets think about this for a moment shall we? What is tenderloin breading anyways...hmm crushed up cracker type substance right?..right. SOOOOO how the hell is something that is already crushed up considered fragile..I mean what the hell is that all about...is there some kind of way to crush up or mangle the already mangled/crushed up breading..I'm having a hard time believing this. I mean please come on there is so much stuff that truely needs a fragile warning on the box it comes in...why not do us all a favor and distinguish what isn't fragile? I mean come on we gett pissy sometimes dealing with boxes of miscellaneous things..so why not say....do not handle with care...severe dropping and beating will not affect the contents whatsoever. I mean this would be alot better then going apeshit on a box of eggs. that's it. I'm out.
I recently got a cell phone. Not so much because I feel that I'm just that damned important that someone should always be able to get a hold of me...mostly because for the most part no one gives a rat's ass what I am up to or doing...regardles..I decided that it might be a nice thing to have in terms of traveling and whatnot. My point however comes from noticing a salutation used by a big wig from a corporate office of the company who employees me. He was in the store kind of pretending to be important..big gold name tag and all..and all of a sudden his cell phone rings..His answering salutation was this "Steve speaking"...his name was Steve by the way. Anyways my whole point is isn't it kind of implied that Steve is gonna be answering that phone...I mean good lord, it is HIS damned phone..I mean you don't hand somebody your phone when it rings and be like.."if its for me toss here eh?" I mean its completely unecessary I mean the guy or gal on the other end of the line probably isn't gonna be like..."Steve? what the hell are you doing asnwering your phone you silly bastard?" I mean good lord just answer with a "hello." I mean or just to mess with people answer your phone and say someones else is speaking like say for instance your name was Bob...and your cell phone is ringing...don't disguise your voice or anything but just answer the phone like this..."Hello Earnest speaking"...just see what the other person says might be somewhat amusing..who knows.
I have seen the damndest thing...now in our store we have this new thing it's like a pepper shaker...a little plastic..or maybe glass I don't recollect, anyways, where like the lid is there is like a grinder thingy...like you're grinding you're own pepper. Now maybe I'm just totally out of sync with society's thinking here...but isn't the whole point of modern times to make things easier...it's like paying for someone to turn a light off right after you turn it on..I mean good lord, who the hell wants to go through all that damned trouble of grinding your own damned peppper...I mean god, come one now. And..yes that's right there's an and here....And if that's not enough to grind your own pepper you have the option of grinding your own...salt...mexican seasoning....italian seasoning..and something else I can't recollect currently. Now what the hell. who in the name of god would want to grind salt...my god is society like becoming ammish or something..(not that there's anything wrong with that, I got love for it)..but let's be realistic here...nobody wants to like get ready to eat that big meal and be like pass the salt pellets please..then it takes like two minutes to get like a little dab of salt..I mean I'm thinking this would piss people off tremendously. In my whole understanding the whole reasoning for salt shakers is to make the whole process of administering salt easier, and now somebody decided..hey you know what'd be cool?...hence the not so brilliant invention of the Grind and shake salt ...stupid I say..stupid. I mean what the hell is next are the gonna give you like whole fucking tomatoes and like but it in a ketchup bottle with a razorblade and call it "super fresh ketchup....num num good" lord I hope not. that's all I got...oh and just if you were wondering apparently society must agree with my views expressed, cause I know we haven't sold like any of these damned things....hmm I just realized a little stupidity expressed by myself on my in text apology to the amish..I mean how the hell are they gonna see it in the first damned place..as far as I know the amish aren't avid computer users..that whole no electricity thing...shit I don't know maybe they got like mules going around in cirlces to create the energy to run a computer..and like lag would be whenever the mules stopped walking..ok ok sorry I was being silly. I'll shut up now.
Well all you people with way too much sparetime who actually come here..it's been a while for an update..but that doesn't mean i'm out of things to rant about oh no....not in the least...for instance...You know what really pisses me off? Besides everything mentioned already here....pulling out kleenexe's from a kleenex box. Not so much in ordinary circumstances...but in circumstances where like the top kleenex isn't like positioned right so it is half exposed..you know..well anways, I like to be comforatble in driving..so in case of those occasional nasal passage blockage buildup situations I have a box of kleenex in my car. This works out nice..except for when you actually need to get one out of the god damned box. Here's a popular scenario...you're driving down the street and you need a kleenex..so you go to reach for one...I should mention that my box of kleenex is located behind the passenger seat..not so much hard to access..but it is a bit hard to see..none the less...you go to reach for one..and theres not that one top one available..so you dig a little deeper in the box (all the while keeping your eyes on the road), and you keep strugglin...reaching..stretching to get that one god damned kleenex..and then you think you have it...it seems pretty thin like there's only one kleenex and you pull it...oh...and then it happens..yeah that's right..you come away with this little damned bunch of kleenex..not one ..not two..but like five....and they just keep comming and like leaving a trail..and by this time any patience you did have while driving is gone..so your just like shaking the kleenex vigorously screaming out war cries...trying to get just one..I mean kleenex's are flying this way and that...it's just not a good thing...but oh let me tell you..that moment when you narrow the bundle down to just one....it's more satisfying then like ...well..something very satisfying...then comes the part where you try to drive and blow your nose at the same time...I honestly think there's no easy way to do this..I mean number one you have to be on a straight road..secondly going kind of slow..cause the one handed blow just isn't very facilitating...you gotta have both hands there..they work well together..so then you get the ideal driving conditions...nice straight road..nobody driving next to you...you give the car the hands free test to see if it will go straight for a bit..and then you give in a shot..I mean you got the god damned kleenex right there..both hands...it's to your nose..you begin to blow..and..and...YOU HIT A MOTHERFUCKING POTHOLE..oh it's no good now..you don't know what to do..you got one hand still trying to do the wipeafter the blow..the other hand is trying to correct the steering wheel..all the spare kleenexes are flying all over the inside of your car....you're in a state of panic. cause you still need that last deperation wipe of the nose after the blow and you have to try to do it one handedly...like utilizing the finger as a type of a "nasal sweeping" device underneath the protection of the kleenex..which then decides to break and tear...then you have to do the whole god damned kleenex reaching manuevor again..only to your amazement that you somehow forgot there's like thirty fucking kleenexes already all over the car...yeah that makes me mad. oh well
You know I was thinking that it might be a good idea to try and put all these rants into some kind of classicafication system...I mean there' just kind of out here all intermingling in suspended states of peril....but then I got to thinking you know it's kind of nice like that I mean nothing I say is really that important or will teach you any life lessons...it's more of an example of why you shouldn't listen to those little voices in your heads.....I wish someone would have told me that..I mean I could have been something..let me tell you...the sky would have been the limit....SHUT UP!.....who said that...YOU DID YOU IDIOT! I didn't say that...YES YOU DID LOOK YOU'RE MOUTH IS MOVING RIGHT NOW..oh good god not the voices again...OH SHUT UP LIKE YOU'D KNOW ANYTHING IF IT WASN'T FOR US VOICES IN YOUR HEAD...what do you mean? he's right you know... who the hell are you now??... Who do you think you stupid bastard..I'm another voice..I'm the italic voice in your head...the italic voice what kind of idiotic kind of voice is that..you can't have an italic voice..it just doesn't make any sense.... well don't bloody complain to me about it, it's your messed up head..you bleedin little.... HEY KEEP IT CLEAN HERE MR. ITALIC... sorry mister caps locked...good god i thought my voices in my head would be a hell of a lot cooler then you pathetic idiots....HEY YOU BEST BE CAREFULL WHAT YOU SAY TO US... yeah you don't know who your messing with...What the hell do you mean I'm talking to myself.... oh...uh..yeah I guess I fogot... SORRY SORRY OUR MISTAKE..GO ON WITH THIS RANT YOU WERE GONNA SAY.....no dammit you've made me mad and now I'm not going to say it...miserable bastards... oh come one please? i bet it'd be really funny.. NAH I BET IT'D BE STUPID ALL YOU EVER DO IS WRITE THIS STUPID POINTLESS CRAP ABOUT HOW STUPID THINGS ARE...DAY IN AND DAY OUT..BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.... hey shut up..I created you're personality and by god I can take it out as well....YOU WOULDN'T!!!!!.....don't try me...FINE I'M SORRY.. yeah sure I bet..now would you two..i mean would I just..ah dammit shut up...you know what to hell with it I forgot what i was gonna say.
O.k. you're one the computer...and boy are you hurting it....no...anyways your on the computer and your doing, oh whatever, and then all of a sudden something screwy happens, and then there it is...oh yes...that little gray box informing of an illegal operation. Well I'm so goddamned thankfull this piss ass computer has the indecency to bitch at me for something it did wrong, it doesn't just come up all nicey nicey and stuff....it pope up there on the damned screen with that little red circle with the gray X though it. Why is it telling me, huh? it's not like it gives you any damned options...."close this program..blah blah blah". I think the damned screen should come up all politely and shit and read something to the affect: "umm...i'm very sorry but you see apparently I fucked up your program, not for sure what went wrong there....it may very well happen again...and...uh...well you know all that work you were doing in that program...well..heh..uh..funny story...it's kind of..well...gone forever...wow again I apologize, I mean I was just performing my tasks and all..and..well...I guess I got my wires crossed, so again I'm very sorry, I've been a bad p.c...and I'll try to do better in the future...sorry again"
Here's a little amusing thing I thought of while driving today when you come to like a intersection where say your only options are going right...or straight ahead, well just for shits and giggles put your right turn signal on...while you turn left. I imagine it would get some kind of a bewildered response...hell old people do it all the time when they're just going down a road, why aren't us, non-senile individuals granted the same rights. Do you think that the lack of pigment in hair has something to do with it....now, wait, i think I'm on to something here...follow me if you will. Without pigment in your hair, your head is bound to be ever so slightly lighter...this ever so small phenomenon may enduce a weary, unaware sense to the elderly. This foreign sense may be causation for the need to be overprepared..say they know that eventually..that somewhere during the course of the day they will need to make a right hand turn. But already having the signal on this weary sense caused by the lack of the pigment in the hair is now compensated for...however if an immediate abrupt left turn is neccessary, the old senile person with no pigment in their hair, should immediately put on some type of hat. By doing this the person's light headed weariness will be dramaticly overcompensated and a abrupt left turn...or series of left and right turns, with the occasional lane switching will be much easier. .....My god, I'm brilliant.
What the hell is going on with the whole born on date idea? I mean it all started from milk, and this was a great idea, but for the love of god, it is now out of control. Practically everything has a born on date now...Beer, Soda, and my god...eggs. What the hell? Beer and soda get me, because the date they give really doesn't tell you a whole lot. It basically says:” for the best taste drink my such a date". Now say you drink it like WAY before then, I mean is it not going to be quite as good as it might be if you let it sit a while. Or maybe you drink it two days after the date, how less of a great taste are you getting into here. I mean they should have a date that's no vague b.s. I mean the label should read, "You will not die imbibing this product from this date through this date, all other times you will mostly likely suffer and die from it". And then eggs, why eggs? Why born on dating at all? Am I supposed to know how the hell to judge how old an egg is, I mean my god they need to put like little keys and instructions on the egg cartons, for anyone to really understand how to decipher the damned date, or how longest time an egg can sit and still be edible. Oh well, that's it I guess.
I noticed something the other day; on a package of Charmin Toilet paper...there is an interesting little statement...perhaps even a slogan? Well at any rate, the company was obviously trying to stress the quilted quality in the Charmin...however in my opinion they chose and interesting way of doing so.... Charmin toilet paper...soft as pillows. Now personally I have to wonder why in the hell someone would compare toilet paper to pillows...I mean my god...what do these people use their pillows for..."Honey we're all out of quilted Charmin.... what? Oh that's right I keep several pillows in here just in case of that emergency!"...I'm thinking no. Let's see here, would you really want to sleep on these proposed pillows, I don't think so...gee what's that smell? Now Kleenex, that would be better then toilet paper. Am I the only one who finds this funny...I very well might be.
In Wal-Mart in the auto section there is a mirror for you car. This is not ridiculous, or funny...however the choice of subject material in the mirror is quite amusing in my opinion. What do you see in your rear view mirrors daily? Perhaps, cars, people, maybe even a school bus/crossing guard? Probably so, I mean of course your going to see these common sites, that anyone will see who is likely to be shopping at Wal-Mart, or anywhere for that matter...Well, how many times have you been driving down the street and while looking in the rear view mirror you see a...oh...I don't know.... a rhinoceros? I can't even begin to tell you the number of times this has happened to me, you know right after the car, and before the crossing guard, that' when I always see the rhino... Damn, that's right you heard correctly there's a God damned Rhinoceros in the rear view mirror, my god where are these people driving? Did they take a wrong turn at the highway and end up in Zimbabwe? Now perhaps a caged rhinoceros wouldn't be so damned absurd...but this one isn't caged, just a damned rhino standing there...and get this, in the middle of the road at that. Now personally, the only bit of the rhino you would see in my rear view mirror would be a tiny dot, because I sure as hell wouldn't be sitting still with a god damned rhino running loose...crap, that is odd.
Here's a quick one, out in the country upon passing a very small lake myself and a friend observed an oddity. Here we have a nice placid lake which I would guess is used for maybe some fishing, perhaps even livestock...however there was a boat next to the lake...now you're probably thinking, "What's so odd about a boat next to a lake"...Well...nothing. But this boat happened to be a Freaking Patoon boat, I sincerely hope the boat just being stored there, but then again couldn't you store a boat anywhere? However the chose the lake, the must have thought, well it is a boat...rather large however, but a boat none the less, why not put it next to a ridiculously small lake...just makes sense right????
This is a actual conversation that took place between a manager of mine...John Schaefer and an old lady at the work...Apparently there are bamboo rods in the floral department for sale, well this woman happened to be very disturbed that the county market would use such a violent thing as bamboo rods.... she thought. And stated "they beat u.s. army men with those in Vietnam and I just don't think it's appropriate with all the occurrences of late (terrorist attacks) now I never had any one related in Vietnam, but I just don't think that's right to be selling that bamboo"...my god lady get a freaking life, i highly doubt if Bin Laden as even seen a piece of bamboo...some people should just have their damned mouths sewn shut.
Another funny one, a guy calls in to the store...John takes the call and the guy says he's is in with this parade and his group is making a float. He enquires if he can possible borrow five Hail Bays for the float...I think it is right to assume that what he meant to say was Hay Bails...I hope so anyways, cause just imagine the disappointment one would have when they discovered that instead of five hail bays that they had their heart set on they had five hay bails waiting on them. I imagine that I would be crushed.
Saw a sign today, this sign was a big billboard, this is what it said, "Show your love...spade or neuter your pets." Let's see here, how in the name of god is that showing love...."here fido, I love you so much then I'm going to have this man do a little snip snip...you may not feel the love at first...but. Well...you probably never will actually in more, being that your basically going to be sexless.... but someday oh yes, someday you will feel the love" I mean what the hell were they thinking? Share the love...no. No. And some more no. Why don't they just say it as it is..."share the agonizing pain of a snip" I mean if that is showing love what the hell happens if you show hate?
Puffed Rice...Puffed Wheat.... what the hell is the word puffed. Is it a verb? "I puffed him" I mean it doesn't really work. If someone held a gun to my head and told me to puff.... i’d probably be a dead man. Perhaps the word "puff" would be acceptable in reference to puffing a cigarette and whatnot...but still this has no relation with breakfast cereal. I mean what do they have little elf toking and smoking the rice and wheat. I kind of doubt that. Do they blow the rice up? Is it like a Freaking balloon or something? I don't even think it's real rice to be honest.
And Now a bit of a distraction...the poll question!!!
Secret Service........is really that big of a secret anymore? I mean hell.... you see a guy in a black suit and sunglasses with a earpiece you're usually likely to think "secret service". I mean o.k. Maybe at first this little "uniform" fooled people..."no no no they have nothing to do with the president, they're just well dressed people who coincidentally are walking right next to him, and they're obviously listening to some type of sporting event, while shading their eyes from the sun." Then some freaking genius must have put two and two together. But now... I mean for the love of god they're not fooling anyone. There's a shirt I saw the other day... navy blue shirt with Secret service written very large and boldly on the back. Now answer me this since the people in the secret service aren't quite as "secret" as they once thought they were, why not abandon the suit and just wear the god damned shirt, I mean hell that's gotta be more comfortable then the Armani.... better yet, keep the secrecy...instead of suits, they should be required to dress up like the Easter bunny...Santa Claus...hell even a freaking leprechaun. I mean anything crazy like that will work. Now a potential assassin is going to be so distracted by this completely silly insane sight that they will most likely miss their shot or miss the small window allowed for an assassination attempt. And hell it'd be fun for the President too. I mean what a freaking kick in the pants, your "secret service" agents dressed up like freaking morons and fictional characters and whatnot. Well I think I'll shut up now.
Saw a commercial the other day that just straight up shocked me... perhaps you've seen it, but never actually paid close attention to it. O.k. here we go, The commercial is for a birth control pill.... and that's all good and dandy, but they highly stress the fact that it clears up acne problems. I found myself thinking.... is this an under the table approach to attracting teenage clientele. I mean some teenage girls have acne troubles. I mean this commercial is basically saying..."yeah teenage girls shouldn't even be in the potential situation to even need to use birth control..................but.... if you dooooo...you gotta check out our shit man, clears up acne. Woohoo!!! Anyways that commercial just kind of got to me I guess. Oh well. Shit...just get some face wash.
The other night on the ten o’clock news this anchor made a joke...perhaps a pun...on a horrible series of gorings at the running of the bulls in Spain...some city I can't recall, Barcelona perhaps...anyways, the anchor was getting ready to go to a commercial break and to kind of preview the stories after the commercials she said something to this affect..." It's no BULL, four people were seriously injured due to gorrings at the running of the bulls today"...Mother of god do these people have no souls. Did a cue card guy get creative at the last second or something? Do you think the anchor said it and then milliseconds later realized what they just said? I mean that would suck...I mean they have to be pretty dependent upon the telemonitor or whatever. So you could pretty much slip anything on there you damned well please. And I'd say there's about a 80percent chance the anchor will say it.... or damn near say it. Can you imagine how much fun the general public could have with this? Slip a twenty dollar bill to the teleprompter controller.....later that night..." next on the local news the new business district is expanding the I'm a idiot who likes poop".....uh....wait a tic. . Huh?
I tell you what's fun. Going to the Vets home and seeing the animals...Damn that's a good time. I recommend it highly. . You can see the bald-assed moose, that’s right, this moose has no hair on his ass. Don't ask me why...I mean I'm sure I could go on and on about possible speculations about it but its kind of tedious I'm sure. You know what's funny the fact that the keepers of this place just throw all kinds of animals in there...I mean shit, there can't be much of a qualifying process.... hmm...there's a goat. throw that "som'bitch iner"..OOOH. A moose. Hell yeah. My personal favorite is the llamas. These are truly the hairiest creatures. I mean scientifically llamas are the same size as hamsters, only the hair increases they're size by ten times...it's a fact, don’t bother looking it up. There was this one llama that interests me. I call him the great llama of the lake. He just stood in the goddamned lake the whole time. My suspicion is the Moose was horny..and that this particular llama had more than just a bald ass...but I'm probably wrong. Oh and there was a donkey too...I didn't really look at the ass's ass. I think his name was Jack. any who....hmm..wonder why ducks and geese are always so damned pissed off. I mean they'll pick a god damned fight with a freight train...mean sons of bitches…oh well...yeah that's all I think.
You know what would be funny...if you emptied out a Pepto-Bismol bottle and filled it with strawberry milk.... that would mess with everyone. Just sitting there chugging that shit left and right….ha ha ...or not.
Ok so in this local pizza place there's is this sign that says watch step.... the amusing thing in my opinion is that the sign is directly above the conspicuously hiding step...what a freaking brilliant idea. Instead of putting the sign like a foot before the step they put it in the exact place of the step. Now by the time it's way to late to take warning of the sign, oh yes that's right your on your ass wondering where it all went wrong, now you know it's possible to act like nothing happened when you stumble or something, but for the love of god these are no small steps, you'll be lucky to even get up after a fall like that, oh well stupid people will have stupid ideas I suppose. Chow
You think the inventor of the Spork is pissed off? I sure as hell do. I mean you look at every other eating utensil and you'll find it in silver and other fancy metals in fancy dinner sets...but no spork, oh no the only way you'll find a spork is wrapped in a lovely plastic baggie in all it's plastic glory. I mean that's bullshit, it's like the spork is like that clear Pepsi crap they tried out not too long ago...I mean yeah whoopdeeshit, it was nice at first, but nobody ever said, "damn I could sure use some clear Pepsi" such is the spork, nobody ever says..."yeah I could use the fork and the spoon in variating patterns. But why when I have the super little time saving Spork!!!! Wonder who invented the spork, I bet my now he's a pissed off senile old man who mumbles repeatedly about how the spork will someday rise to be equal with all other eating utensils.... or maybe not.
Why the hell do pizza places need butter knives? Seriously, when's the last time you requested extra butter on your pizza. I mean goddamn you can't cut the pizza worth a crap with that dinky f'ing knife; you'll have better luck smashing the shit out of it with your fork. Why even have the knife at all, it's like a gizzard or something, nobody ever uses the damned thing...(mostly because we lack one), However the fact remains the same, butter knives should be used only in places where there is an abundance of butter. By the way I stole the knife and plan on using to butter my bread.... and I'm spent.
I don't usually take other peoples thoughts, but this one is a good one, dues to Eric Coulter, someone who is beyond the human understanding of fucked up in the head, I mean seriously sometimes aliens just go ewwww, and drop him like he's hot, or something anyways, he's way messed up, I mean..Uh..Yeah..Alot of messed-up-ed-ness and whatnot. Regardless. What the hell is going on with the "For sale by owner" signs isn't this a bit odd and silly? I mean well no shit Sherlock of course the owner is selling it, I mean for the love of god, when's the last time you saw a "for sale by thief" sign?..yeah that's what I thought. In all fairness there should be for sale by thieves sign, it's just politically correct. The end.
What the hell is up with mall walkers, I mean come on now it's ok to exercise, but christ these people walk like somebody is chasing them with a machete, I mean for the love of god, do they realize that not everyone in the mall is their to burn fat, I mean one time I almost literally got run over by a large mall walker, I mean I guess I can understand, I mean momentum and all, once something gets going that fast….which is large, it's like a train, you hit the brakes but it ain't gonna be a dead stop. I was walking towards an exit and all of a sudden i heard those step....or stomps as the case may be, anyways, I'm like o.k. no biggie somebody walking...keep in mind the mall is not crowded at this moment and this person has a good ten feet of clearance on both sides of me, however they feel it is imperative to walk on the identical path as me. Maybe they need lanes in the mall...I mean it's somewhat of a high ceiling I say we put a freaking catwalk about ten feet high and let all the dangerous mall walkers go crazy, and leave us poor shoppers alone. I was scared...so.... so scared. Oh well.
You know what gets me...yeah didn't think so...anyways, let me present a scenario. You’re sitting down be it at home or at a theatre waiting to watch a movie, and before the movie starts you always have the movie makers little logo thingy time...like there's one with a horse that runs up and crap, or one with lightning and shit. I mean these are ok, because they're neat. However you get some companies that have like a three letter abbreviation, and these companies feel they must make a stirring reveling introduction of these letters, I mean for the love of god, who cares, it's three letters, show the damned letters and get the show on the road. But...NOOOOOO, it takes like five minutes, first of all a mystic L appears from the blackened sky and then...and then the ominous M miraculously presents itself from the hands of god himself, and then by way of a chariot of fire pulled my golden dragons, a B joins the L and M. I mean, jesus, this isn't a monumental event or anything, its three freaking letters, just show the damned letters and get on with it. Hopefully you have somewhat of a clue what I’m talking about...While I'm thinking about movies and what no do you remember how at the beginning of movies in the Kerasotes Theatres they used to have like a little segment where they'd say "blah blah blah, refreshments are available, please be quiet during the movie, and some other horseshit, well why don't they do that anymore? I mean did they just give up on the whole idea, is it ok now to put your feet up on the chairs of the rows in front of you, is it...kosher, to yell and scream for no apparent reason, I just don't know. But you know what I miss most about that part...the little part where all the employees are lined up and they do this little jump thingy, I'd love to go up to the employees, and be like.... um...yeah…. you know that little jump thingy.... DO IT NOW!!! Then again I'm all messed up.
This one is from my Manager John Schaeffer at County Market, a funny son of a bitch.... You know the fruit drinks "squeeze its" well if not these are little drinks that have silly creative names like "silly Billy strawberry" and what not. Well every flavor has an amusing name like this except for one.. The tropical punch. Now I can just see the design people for squeeze its sitting around a table thinking of all these amazing flavor names, however soon the creativity runs dry and all of a sudden it's quitting time and they still have one flavor to go...tropical punch. So they're just itching to get out of there and someone half mockingly says "how bout tropi?" and everyone inside is thinking...that's horrible that's not creative. However one glance at the clock and they're like "Yeah damn straight, you go man" and they get the hell out of there, hence "tropi tropical punch's not so brilliant name"
Know the part of a wooden ladder on the opposite side of the steps that says "not a step" well you know what I'm going to do someday? I'm gonna make a ladder that has a freaking step right there, not lower.... not higher, but in the same damned spot and I'm gonna put in big ass bold letters "yes that's right this is a step, no really I'm not kidding step on it, you'll see, it's so safe and supporting, You know you want to step on it" and you know what else I'll do just to fuck with everybody’s mind...I'll put a "not a step" on every other step just to make people wonder. Oh yes, it will be mine, oh yes.
You know what I think would be funny... If a grocery store put some kind of product on sale for a ridiculously low price...however it would be damn near impossible to reach or get to. Like say you have canned veggies on sale, you suspend them from the ceiling with fishing wire and keep it so that even about 13ft. above the ground. I mean give these puppies away at like 5 cents each, and just watch madness ensue.
I saw a shirt today...this shirt was a shirt mandatory for a certain employer I have gotten a job with...anyways, on the inside tag where the size is, there was a note saying that the shirt was not flame- resistant, or fireproof. Now let me tell you I was pretty sure I had an idea of what my job was going to be. However I must have missed the part about where I have to jump through flaming hoops...or the occasional blowtorch assessment. Let's just say I'll be extremely cautious when working next to...pyromaniacs...fire...the person who tests the shirt...or anyone who doesn't like me.
I think a thick rubbery crash resistant layer should surround all cars. I'll tell you why, with the hype over road rage and what not It would be one hell of a stress reliever. I mean say some jackass pulls out in front of you and does like 20miles per hour. Wouldn't it be fun to momentarily brake and then just floor it and ram that son of a bitch...wow that would be cool. I mean you wouldn't have to worry about damaging the car, but to see the look on the driver's face...oh priceless I tell you, priceless indeed.
I think old senile people are some of the most amusing things on earth, now before you start labeling me as a mean person let me explain. In my experiences some old people just need a reason to be pissed off...anything will do...it's cloudy...pissed off.... someone says have a nice day instead of thanks for shopping here...pissed off... One of my personal favorites is the old people in a grocery store now this next thing has happened to me more then once. Being a stocker, as you all probably know, I get asked where things are alot in the store. Now several older individuals have asked me where the bread is...and I'll be damned if every time they ask they're as far away from the bread as humanly possible. So while answering they're question in aisle one I nicely explain it is aisle fourteen...the very last aisle. Now's where the fun begins, the old person always gets pissed because the bread is sooo far away, and then they usually mutter something about how we keep on moving it. I mean for the love of god, we don't move it for at least four years it's been where it is now. I mean it's not like we secretly switch aisle around just to piss people off...although that would be fun. Then other times people will question my knowledge of where stuff is at in the store. I mean they'll tell me something's not where I say it is...let me tell you there is no greater satisfaction then when you lead them right to whatever they were looking for and politely say they must have missed it when the whole damned time it was right in front of their noses. About nine out of ten times the customer will act like they don't need it after all and then as I start to walk away I can see them quickly grab it suspiciously and meander off. O.k. I think I'm done now
Here's an interesting question I pose. Why can't scientists figure out a way to put calcium into soda? I mean they got orange juice covered, why not soda? In all honesty most kids drink a heck of alot more soda then o.j. It can't be that difficult, I mean calcium o.j. tastes the same as reg. o.j. so whose to say putting calcium in soda would be a bad thing...wait...what's that sound...did you hear it...OH! That was the sound of every milk producer falling to the ground due to a massive heart attack.
There is a Jello product called Flan...now maybe it's me, but does that really sound appetizing "Hey kids eat all your dinner, or else no flan for you". In all honesty it looks pretty decent, actually very good, however the name just kills it. Flan, let's analyze this word... Flan, sound like Flam...mmm yummy. Flan with the exception of MEAT 4-letter words in food, is not a good thing take for instance...oh I don't know, maybe SPAM. However flan does sound like the perfect dessert to a nice hearty meal of Spam. I can almost here the phrase "Sam I am" being thrown into a conversation at that table.
I think the yield sign should be eliminated. All yield signs should be replaced by stop signs. I mean come on do we really all make complete stops at stop signs anyways? I would imagine not. A yield sign basically means, "hey watch yourself, but don't stop if there's no need" Therefore hell, use all stop signs. Also when is the last time you heard yield used? It's been a while for me...at the site of a red light I don't think to myself yield!!!! i think better stop. Yield is silly; it means basically the same thing anyways. Therefore I propose that all yield signs be eliminated.
At my job there are boxes of things such as napkins and paper towels.... stuff that requires caution when opening, to avoid hurting the product. Alot of cereal boxes have this. Anyways, as a warning sign there will usually be a little box cutter, (a very small device containing a razor blade to enable stockers to open boxes easily), with a giant X over it...similar to that of a no-smoking sign. Well, recently one of my managers pointed out something amusing...instead of a small box cutter with a X through it there was this huge freaking knife...I mean crocodile Dundee would have been proud to carry this thing. We all started laughing immediately. I don't know how other people run stores, but at the store I work at, No one uses a machete to get into a box of cereal...we only use the machetes on the really annoying customer...er...uh...I mean to crush boxes...uh...yeah...that's what I mean...yup.
Have you noticed that more and more kids today eliminate syllables from words? I noticed this today early at work when I heard several conversations of the night crew. Don't get me wrong, they're good guys, but there's a reason why they're night crew. Anyways, a whole paragraph worth of speaking was basically cut down to one sentence. Instead of "Hey man how's things going"..you hear "sup man" In a way everyone does this thing, which is perfectly fine, but if conversations continue to dwindle into one syllable words I think we're all in trouble..."The forecast calls for slightly cloudy skies and cold winds. Everyone is advised to stay inside"...ah ha this is around what you expect to hear on the weather of the news, however, this conversation with the next generation would probably go like this..."yo, what it be like out there" "man, it be cold dog, best be in the crib" Seriously the dictionary is going to loose half its gerth or girth depending upon which one is spelled correctly.
One of my favorite little things is to see a non-edible emblem on a garbage can. I can kind of see this if the trashcan was out on the street...but the one that I reminisce about resides in my store's break room. Let's see, where do I begin...O.k. number one who the hell is gonna eat something that is in the trash can...number two, why doesn't the trash can specify that the stuff inside the can in edible, I mean do the makers expect people to think "oh no, it's inedible, I guess no plastic trash cans for me today...ah shucks". In all fairness if there is an emblem that says inedible...shouldn’t there be one that says edible? I mean in all fairness...just in case you were hungry… really hungry and intended on digging in to a nice garbage can of mystery lunch."Hey john, don't go eating out of that trash can can't you read it says inedible...eat out of this one the one that says it is edible."
Cop cars have to be the most annoying sound in the world. I remember when a simple siren would suffice, well it seems those days are over. Anymore you'll hear what sounds like a reggae perfomer on heroin. You have all kinds of squeaks and squaks, then it sounds like damned machine gun fire. What is wrong with the old classic sirens? Perhaps cops decided, "Well the sound of our cars is just so annoying that perhaps crime will decrease in an attempt to avoid hearing this most irritating sound". I think criminals in jail should be forced to listen to the sirens for like 2hrs straight a day. Now that would either correct their problems...or you know...make them psychotic, either way. As long as somebody has a little fun I suppose.
What is the big need for camouflage lighters...they make them, but come on in all honesty if you hunt or need to be camouflaged alot, why would you have camo on the lighter, I mean when's the last time you heard a hunter talking about how he scared the animal away because of his non-camouflaged lighter. Plus, christ it would be hard to find the lighter if you dropped it...wrong I tell you camouflage is wrong for lighters.
Why is coffee so hot? I wish I knew. Out of all drinks to be made boiling hot why coffee. The most frequent coffee drinker is usually someone who is waking up early in the morning. Is it really an intelligent idea to give someone who is still drowsy flavored boiling water? I'm thinking no. Well, regardless, cold coffee may very well taste like poopy but still I'd rather not take my chances waking up with hell water.
Over my years of working at county market, it seems that for some reason a few select people must feel that canned foods are freshest from the bottom of a display. I mean for the love of god, it's all the same; it's no different from the ones on top, not to mention taking stuff away from a base of a display is not exactly a good thing for everything on top of it. This irritates me alot.
True story: One day when I was "behind the wall" in the dairy department filling milk I nearly scared the crap out of an old lady...the reason being, I was wearing these gray gloves. And "naturally" she thought my hand was a mouse. Now maybe every mouse I've ever encountered just likes tropical climates...but does anyone know of mice that enjoy being in a refrigerated area....or any mouse that could survive in a refrigerated area...I think not.
Would a cow eat it's own cheese?
Another recent true work story: It's 7a.m. and I'm finishing up night crews job of stocking stuff in the pet food aisle...for this reason I wasn't very happy. Then this old lady comes up and begins testing squeak toys for dogs. I'm thinking o.k. So she's seeing what it sounds like...Well ten toys later I had to leave the aisle before I did bad things. Christ they're all the same...it's the same damn squeak as the one before, no dog gives a damn what kind of squeak it is, just as long as it squeaks.
Next time you’re in the pet food aisle of a store check the Whiskas canned cat food. There is a good chance you will see instructions on how to open the pop-top lid...maybe it's me, but isn't that really freaking pathetic? If you can't figure that one out, how the hell did you get to the store in the first place?
One time on my way home from a trip we passed a construction site, and to my amazement there was a gigantic piece of machinery called an earthmover on sale right there by the road. Frankly I had no urge to yell stop the car, that's just what I always wanted a gigantic piece of machinery I would never use...shouldn't it be advertised in a construction magazine, and not on the side of a highway? And another thing, why would a construction company sell a big thing like that, I mean there's got to be something wrong with it.
Please give me feedback on this next one...
If anyone gets gas from Missouri as well as Illinois, maybe you can relate, is it just me or does Illinois gas last longer, in my car I can go about four days longer with Illinois gas. My theory is that Missouri gas is cheaper, but not without a reason, I have no proof of anything, but I wouldn't be shocked to see Missouri gas companies watering down gas. Please let me know your opinions.
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Being as it is I'm very rarely motivated, I wouldn't expect a whole heck of alot, then again who knows.