Celebrity Jeopardy
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Alex Trebek: Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy" It's been an exciting first round. That being said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has negative 16,500 dollars. Sean Connery: Damn you and your daily doubles you brigand! One day it'll be my turn, Trebek! Alex Trebek: Great. Calista Flockhart, with an amazing negative $58,000. Good job. Calista Flockhart: [ quietly like all of her lines ] Thank you. Alex Trebek: And finally, Nicholas Cage is in the lead with $8. Nicholas Cage: You got lights, you've got cameras - bitchin' technology! Alex Trebek: I don't know how anyone could get $8, but better luck to all of you in the next round. It's time for Double Jeopardy. Let's take a look at the board. The categories are.. Potent Potables; The Pen is Mightier.. that category is all about quotes from famous authors, so you'll all probably be more comfortable with our next category..; Shiny Objects; continuing with Opposites; Things you Shouldn't Put in Your Mouth; What Time is It?; and, finally, Months That Start With Feb. Mr. Cage you're in the lead, so let's start with you. Nicholas Cage: Hmm.. what? Where... Alex Trebek: Okay, Calista Flockhart, why don't you pick a category? Calista Flockhart: Um no.. pass. Alex Trebek: You'll pass. Very smart. Mr. Connery, why don't you pick? Sean Connery: Ah! Well met! I'll take Months That Start With Feb, Trebek. Alex Trebek: For how much? Sean Connery: Surprise me, you filthy bastard! Alex Trebek: Okay, that's completely unnecessary. Months That Start With Feb for $800. This is the only month that starts with Feb. [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery? Sean Connery: Febtober! Alex Trebek: No. [ Calista Flockhart buzzes in ] Calista Flockhart. Calista Flockhart: What is.. Febturday? Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery: She said turd! Alex Trebek: I hate you! The answer was February. That's the month that starts with Feb. It was last month! Sean Connery: Aha! A trick question! Alex Trebek: Yeah, it was a trick question, Mr. Connery. Why don't you pick a category? Sean Connery: I've got to ask you about the Penis Mightier. Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier. Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man? Alex Trebek: It's not a product, Mr. Connery. Sean Connery: Because I've ordered devices like that before - wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you. And if The Penis Mightier works, I'll order a dozen. Alex Trebek: It's not a Penis Mightier, Mr. Connery. There's no such thing! Nicholas Cage: Wait, wait, wait.. are you selling Penis Mightiers? Alex Trebek: No! No, I'm not. Sean Connery: Well, you're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek! Alex Trebek: Right, right.. say, let's move on to Final Jeopardy, that should be a lot of fun. And the category is: The Federalist Papers. Wait, wait, I'm sorry, that's my bad. That's for regular "Jeopardy", which we'll be taping later today. Your category is: Horsies. All you have to do is tell me "Are Horsies pretty?" [ the Final Jeopardy music starts as the celebrities scribble some answers ] Yes or no, we'll except either answer. "Are Horsies pretty?". Keep in mind, there's no wrong answer. [ music stops, Alex approaches the podiums ] Let's see what all of you wrote, starting with you, Mr. Cage, and you wrote.. and you're podium is gone.. Nicholas Cage: I don't know where it went, I'm confused. Alex Trebek: You lost you podium? I don't see.. you know what - I don't care. Let's move on. Calista Flockhart. Calista Flockhart: [ louder than normal ] What? What? Alex Trebek: Settle down, just relax. You wrote.. nothing. And you wagered.. nothing. Calista Flockhart: [ in a whisper ] The pen was too heavy. Alex Trebek: Fair enough. Mr. Connery? Sean Connery: We meet again. Alex Trebek: Let's see your answer.. [ screen reads "Buck" ] Oh, I'm sorry.. that must be you wager. A Buck. And you answer is.. [ screen reads "Futter" ] Futter. Buck Futter, I don't get it. Sean Connery: Ohhhh.. I think you do, Trebek. I think you do, indeed! Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us.. Sean Connery: [ yelling ] Buck Futter!! Alex Trebek: Fine, whatever. That's it for "Celebrity Jeopardy".. [ shaking head ] I don't know..
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