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Welcome to Tom Cladek's Home Page

Everything you need to know about Tom...

To the Max

I just realized something: don't look at anything on this site, because it's filled with like year- old crap, especially the movie and maybe some of the music. If I weren't so lazy, I would get rid of a lot of these crappy pages or update them or something, but don't judge me by anything on this site (the wisdom is still updated weekly).

If you like Metallica and play guitar, IM me.

What's New:

May 18th:

More lyrics and links added to the Metallica page.

May 17th:

New Metallica Page for lyrics, videos, songs, and information on St. Anger.

April 28th:

Check my car site, for 36 pictures (and about 16 more coming today) from the 2003 New York International Auto Show.


April 21st:

More quotes.

April 19th:

My words of wisdom.

Some more quotes, links here and there.

April 18th:

More quotes.

Coming soon: some music pages where you can listen to music and see the lyrics (first up: Metallica- Whiskey in a Jar, because I don't feel like downloading songs that I already have, and It's really good).

I've decided to share my knowledge with you, so this week's daily dose of Tom's wisdom is:

Just remember- POOP.

New Metallica Page


What happened when EDDIE interviewed me (from Useless Things and Hobos).

Useless Things and Hobos,  ( (EDDIE's and Nathananiel's site).

The Tale of a Certain Playmate's Special Journey

****Metallica CD out June 10th: St. Anger! Go to for information on new CD: cover art, video with NEW SONG on it! And news updated alot.

Stuff that people said, or something:

"I'd like to help, just... not as much as I'd like not to help." -Red.

Moe- "Marge, we better check Little Italy."

Homer- "I'll get our little passports."

"I think that every man should have a tatoo across their fanny that reads exit only." -Chris Parnell in Hardball on Saturday Night Live.

"Behold the rarest of the rare, the mythological two- headed hound, born with only one head!
ooo- and here, out of the mysts of mystery, the legendary esquilax, a horse born with the head of a rabbit...
and the body of a rabbit."

Zoolander- "I'm a ugugulizer."
Matilda- "What?"
Zoolander- "You know, a ugugulizer? One who gives speeches at a funeral? Did you really think I was too dumb to know what a ugugoly is?"

Marge: "First he wrecks your car, then he steals mine. Homer, your father has to be stopped!"

Homer: "Oh sure- when he does something bad he's my father!"

"This is my Woodstock!" -Moe, entering the Shoe Expo.

Homer (in the distance on a swing, looking over the fence):"D' oh! D' oh! ... D' oh! D' oh!"

Marge: "Homer, what's wrong"

Homer: "The grass is actually greener on Flanders' side!"

Marge: "That's because you keep on passing out on ours!"

Dark Helmet: "These are all Assholes?"

President Screw: "Yes... He's and Asshole, He's Asshole, they're all Assholes [the family].

Dark Helmet: "I knew it: I'm surrounded by complete Assholes!"

"Your Schwarz is as big as mine." -Dark Helmet in Spaceballs.

"I want to have my own scent... When I leave a room, I want people to say, 'Hmm- it smells like Hal in here.' ... But in a good way." -Hal.

"We have this saying in our family: if it's been an hour, eat without her... If it's any longer, something's wronger." -Hal.

Marge: "Homer, are you still attracted to me?"

Homer: "Why would I want Purina when I've got Fancy Feast right here?"

"Is Malcolm a robot?" -Dewey.

Louis: "Drink your milk."

Dewey: "It's lumpy."

Louis: "Then chew it."

"I'm not complaining, I'm constipated!" -Resse.

Can 50 little people pull an airplane further than an elephant?" - Fox's Man versus Beast commercail... seriousely, I mean...

"Cool beans!" -Amy Poeler as teacher in SNL.

"I am Lugash" - Lugash.

NRod (no longer jo Jo): "get your hand off my leg."

Greg: "that's not my hand."

Here's a quote from jo Jo:

"Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. 
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy. 

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl. 

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. 

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl. 

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test." "

Dr. Evil: "space was cool."

Something from a Seinfeld episode:

(phone rings, Jerry Picks it up):

"Jerry: Hello?

Caller: Hello, are you interested in a phone service?

Jerry: I'm sorry, I'm busy right now. But if you give me your home number, I'll get back to you.

Caller: I can't give you that.

Jerry: Why, you don't want people calling you at home?

Caller: No.

Jerry: well now you know how I feel."

Nathananiel's buddy Info (at least on 12-5-02):

"Me Nathaniel Big Man. Me hunt bug animals. Me Wear animal dead Head on my head. Me run around and get Womon!!!! Nathaniel King of the land. Me Wear nothing but tiger skins. Womons love tiger skin. When Me Full mE Burp. Everyone hear and Chant Big Nathaniels name. Me rule the land and get lots of WOMONS."

"This week, Kenny G. released his new Christmas album... Happy birthday, Jesus, hope you like crap!" - Norm McDonald in Weekend Update.  

"Damn Mongowians, knock down my shitty wall!"- the funny Chinese guy from that South Park episode

Some links:

(yeah, i know there's already a link page, but iv got so much extra room, what better way to take up space??)

okay, that's enough space and I've really just lost interest. 



Email me at or use my sn, jackassmidgit. 

Check out some of my other sites:, for car pictures and info, and my rock sites coming soon, and topRock2. 


  Didn't see That  one coming!

Go to the What if... page.


go to News Archive

2-18-03 (tuesday):

Last night, Evan on Joe Millionaire chose Zora, a teacher from Lambertville to be his wife. I also hear as a surprise, some bald guy gave them 1 million dollars. Has it ever occured to any body that not only is Fox paying him for the show, but wasn't the whole point of the show to see if the winner would marry him without all of this money? It's just a thought.

2- 17- 03 (monday):

This week, 3 TV channels (NBC, Fox, and ABC) are airing special interviews with Michael Jackson, focusing on mainly his face and little boys. In one part, he claims he only had 2 nose jobs, and then when the doctor was interviewed, he says that he had near 50 plastic surgeries, and that his nose was collapsing in (this is actually true). Also, Michael admits that he occasionally likes to stay in the same room as little boys. You may ask where I am going with this. Well, I really don't know. I just thought all of this was a little obvious. 

Anyway, to waste space, I decided to make a list of signs of Michael Jackson's insanity. Enjoy:


has had 50 plastic surguries.


his nose is actually collapsing in on itself as a result of so much plastic surgury.


he likes to spend the night with little boys.


has long, curly hair.


have you ever actually seen him in any clothes that weren't shiny?


about two months ago, he would only wear one shoe because he claimed to have been bitten by a spider.


has a child named Blanket.


lives on a freaking amusement park called THE NEVERLAND RANCH, and sells paintings of him surrounded by children.


is known as "The King of Pop." 

That's just how bored I am.

12-5-02 (thursday):

This week, once again, Micheal Jackson showed his insanity in many ways, including making devil- horns with his fingers, and only wearing one shoe because he claimed to be bitten by a spider. Well that would explain alot. 

11-23-02 (sunday):

This week Micheal Jackson was questioned about his right to have children after he held one of them over the edge of  a balcony over a crowd of fans. But most people say they are glad, because this can be some early signs of Post- Pardom Depression. 

He then was seen in a zoo, with vales draped over his children's heads. But he claimed that he just wanted his family to show some respect to his fellow Black- Headed Sagui Dwarfs [see pictures below].     

11-6-02 (wedsday):

Yesterday, New York Governor George Pataki was re-elected for a third term in office. This still did not surprise New Yorkers, seeing how everyone just loves the way he sort of lies back and doesn't do anything. In fact, now with the economy failing, many people say they just can't wait for nothing to happen. 

This year, many people may have noticed the absence of CBS's Temptation Island. This may sound like good news, but if you think about it, now there's probably no chance of them making a lesbian version: dammit- the only crappy show with promise is canceled; if only people would think ahead. like me...















LOOK AT IT! It's funny- that's why I posted it.








Okay, Evan- I finally put this picture up. Now everyone leave me alone! A webmaster needs his peace and quiet too! ah- screw it... hey- does webmaster still sound gay?


New monkey species: Black- Headed Sagui Dwarf; just who does this remind you of? (lemme give you a hint: what would happen if you cross- bread Britney Spears with Snoop Dog).



Hit Counter hit counter (starting from November 28, 2002).