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taken from www.saturday-night-live.com

"Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."

"And I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories..."

CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "This week First Daughter Jenna Bush was given community service after pleading no-contest to underage drinking charges. Her father insists Jenna is going through a rebellious phase and just like him, she'll grow out of it in 27 years."

CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "A group of New York lawyers is demanding that Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum remove a statue of Yasser Arafat from their exhibit. Museum officials, however, insist that the statue is actually just Beatle drummer Ringo Starr."

FEY: "Massachusetts governor Jane Swift gave birth Tuesday night to twin girls, making her the first governor to have twin girls since Bill Clinton was running Arkansas."

FALLON: "Researchers are testing a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn't get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, 'Thank you?'"

FEY: "At a high school in South Dakota this week, an undercover police officer roamed the halls with an unloaded gun to test the response. The school passed with flying colors when concerned students spotted the officer and shot him."

FALLON: "Researchers at Yale have found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The number one most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model."

FEY: "The editor of 'Out' magazine this week revealed that his boyfriend is a major league baseball player, but will not reveal the player's identity. Baseball insiders, however, point to the gayest guy in the league ­ John Rocker of the Atlanta Braves."

FEY: "A new e-mail computer virus is sweeping across the globe that automatically opens pornographic Web sites on the victim's screen. Authorities say they intend to track down the hackers responsible for the virus just as soon as somebody complains."

FEY: "Former President Bill Clinton has reportedly lost close to twenty pounds since leaving the White House. The pounds were taken from him by British whores."

FEY: "The LA district attorney's office said Monday that Robert Downey, Jr. will not go to jail for his drug arrest last month. But to save time, they went ahead and sentenced him for his drug arrest next month."

FALLON: "Christian Browning, the son of Daphne duMaurier, who wrote the story 'The Birds,' was attacked by birds outside his home in England. Very worried right now, the son of whoever wrote 'The Blob.'"

FEY: "Saudi Arabian police have arrested seven teenage boys for leering at women. In accordance with Saudi law, the boys will be whipped and the women will be stoned to death."

FALLON: "Director Todd Solondz is complaining that the producers of his new movie made him edit out a scene in which James Van Der Beek is on the receiving end of anal sex. When asked for a comment, Van Der Beek said, 'They were filming that?'"

FEY: "Massachusetts governor Ted Kennedy is denying reports that his marriage is on the rocks, although he admits that does sound delicious."

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."