Everything went smoothly when I reached there. Dr. Hilal was waiting for me in the examination room and after light conversations; I was down to my hospital gown. He frowned when he took my temperature and decided to take another one.
"You have a slight temperature Nick, are you feeling sick?"
I shrugged. "Just a little sore."
His eyes grew wide; like I just told him I had grown a sixth toe. "Is your stomach hurting?"
I nodded. "A little."
"Okay, lay back, let me check." That was when I found out that the flying file had caused a very nice bruise. Like a patch of pale yellow and a little hint of purple just around the belly button.
"Did you hurt yourself Nick or did this bruise appear by itself?"
"Will it make a difference?" Just checking you know.
"Yes it does. If this bruise develop on it's own then the Hernia is much worst than I thought."
"Er, no, it was a little accident actually. It didn't bruise by itself." Phew.
"Okay, that's a little relief. I'll have to get another X-ray though, just to be sure."
The X-ray showed some swelling on the intestines that were clogged on that space near my belly button. I was told that the surgery was a no go cause they didn't want to risk it. They did however; want to have me put under observation for a day or two to check on the swelling.
By three in the afternoon, I found myself already in my designated room, trying to hold down a bowl of soup. Howie and AJ were there by then so I wasn't that lonely anymore. You know how it feels like to have something pulling from inside of you? Have you ever got that kind of pain where it felt like something was pulling at your belly button? Like something is attached to your belly from the inside and was pulling at it. You know that kind of pain? I was feeling it.
"I'm done." I said, pushing the bowl away. Not that I was full, because I was very much hungry for food. But all appetite were gone when the pain start to kick in. I wasn't given any medication or painkillers because they wanted to make sure what the swelling was doing to me before giving me the drugs.
"No you're not. Come on Nick, you barely touch the food." Howie urged.
"Maybe that's what you call this thing." I said. I consider burgers, pizzas and pastas not to mention Twix, as food. Edible food.
"Nick, if Kevin is serious about flying down here to father around you, you'll get worst than this man." AJ said, cringing as if he was the one having to go through it.
"Then make sure he don't get on that flight. Howie, you go tell him, I don't need a babysitter, I'm 19!"
Howie shook his head. "Have we ever win an argument with Kevin before?"
-
It's amazing what long sleep and good drugs do to you; well at least to me. I woke up the next day like any other normal day. The pain was nothing more but a dull throb that made its presence known once in a while and other than feeling a little bit weak, I was okay. Howie would come by in an hour to take me home and had surprisingly managed to convince Kevin that things were taken care of down here. It means, our dear brother Kevin will not be flying down. Not that I don't like him being here, in fact, there were more than one occasion where I found his domineering act on me a sign that he cares and love me. But I honestly don't need three guys to take care of me. I need my lone time, cause as much as I was feeling better, one thing kept troubling me.
The thought that Mandy was still MIA. I could have been well yesterday and went through with the surgery and something could have happen and I died and what did I leave behind for my girlfriend? A sticky note on the fridge?
Back to where I was. In my hospital room getting ready to leave. You should really try folding your clothes and packing them in your bag while you're having Hernia. Yes, I did said I was feeling fine but that doesn't mean was totally rid of pain. That will always stick with me.
I remember how quiet it was when I was in that room. Behind closed door, the room was bright because I had drawn the curtains apart and the morning sun bathed the room with comforting warmth and added a slight orangey color to the otherwise white room. I remembered being so tired then, from the folding and making the bed [I have a thing with people cleaning up after my mess, like they could pick up negative vibe from what I left behind] that I just gave up and sat on the edge of the bed, facing the open window.
I couldn't see anything except for the morning sky, a mix of clear blue and pale orange. It was like looking at a painting, not exactly real. I would never have admitted it to the guys the night before when they asked why Mandy wasn't around but it had been in my mind the entire time. The situation with my family and my girlfriend. I wish I had someone I could confide in about this. Funny that I wished for something like that cause in reality, that was the last thing I'd do. Talk to someone. I don't know about other people but I don't feel easy talking to anybody, be it a friend or a stranger about my problems. It's too private you know? I mean, come on, whoever would want to sit down and listen to me whine about my dysfunctional family and a girlfriend whom I can't seem to figure out? I know I wouldn't.
So I sat there, closed my eyes and embrace the warmth. It felt too heavy, I remember that feeling, like in an instant, I feel like all these problems I was holding in was just too heavy for me to bear alone.
Why mom? Why would you think that I was throwing you away? Why would you think that you don't mean anything to me anymore? Why would you think that I would disown my family? Did I not give you enough? Did I not show you that I love you enough? Did I not call you enough to tell you how much you mean to me? Am I not worthy enough to be your son anymore?
And what exactly was I not doing right with us Mandy? Is it wrong that I don't want anyone else to know about us because I treasure how simple and personal this relationship is? Do you love me less because I'm not as lean as I used to be? Where is that Mandy I used to know? The girl with long dark hair, who hated wearing too much make up and loves her jeans and t-shirt? The girl who used to tell me that even if I wasn't Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boy, she would still love me the same? Or was it I who had changed? Maybe I've been neglecting you, pushing you away. Maybe I didn't show you enough how much you mean to me.
I sound pathetic right? Well, those were things that were playing in my mind then. It felt silly now, but back then, in that room, everything seems to drop on me. I was alone and lost, and as the pain in my chest intensify, I cried.
I wished for mom to walk in that room and just hold me close in her embrace, telling me that everything will be okay. That I don't have to cry. Of course, she never did. It wasn't her fault though; she didn't even know I was there. I didn't tell her, remember?
-
Once Howie was sure that I would be okay on my own (I told him Mandy had a meeting with a producer and would come home in an hour), he left with me promising him that I would call if I were to as much get a tummy ache [in the words of Howie D himself]. It troubled me that Mandy wasn't home though, I wondered if she had not even came back since that night she left. Perhaps she had left a voice message to say that it's over, for real now, but I was too tired to even check that. It wasn't hard at all to be on my own, as soon as Howie left, I retreated back to our room [or mine alone, who knows?] and fell asleep.
-
When I woke up, it was from the gentle shake of a hand on my shoulder. It was dark so I reached out for the table lamp and a teary eyed Mandy greeted me. She was kneeling down at the side of the bed where I was and honestly, I didn't know what to make out of it. Was I surprised? You bet.
"Why are you crying? What's wrong?" I asked. Still half asleep, I pushed myself up from bed and tried to get her up but she shook her head, wanting to kneel right before me. I was too tired to argue so I let her be. "What's wrong Mandy, come on, tell me?"
What she did next surprised me even more. She pulled herself nearer and suddenly her head was on my lap, burying her face on the sweat pants I was wearing, staining them with her tears. Her hands were hugging my leg believe it or not, as if she was holding on to it for dear life. I was afraid to say the least, she never do something like that.
"I thought you were gone." She cried. There was only so much one can interpret with that line and I wondered which one she meant.
"I was, I went to the hospital, didn't you get my message?"
She nodded her head and now was looking up at me. "I went to the hospital as soon as I got your message and when I got there, the nurse said you were gone. I thought…you…."
"You thought I died?"
"I thought I was too late, that you died." She cried. "I was ready to faint when the nurse said you left, that you weren't well to take that surgery."
I actually let out a chuckle.
"It's not funny Nick!" Yes it is. "I'd kill myself if you had died!" No you won't.
"No you won't."
"I don't have to, the guilt will just kill me slowly." She cried. "I know it was my fault cause I didn't let you explain everything but God…Nick…all you have to do is yell, or scream for me to shut the hell up and tell me that you're going for surgery!"
"Mandy come on…you know I wouldn't-"
"That's just it, you never yell or scream at me when you're mad and I love you for that, but baby, you were about to go for surgery, it is okay to yell back at a very angry me! Just tell me, even if it's on the phone! God Nick…do you have any idea how afraid I was when I read your note?"
I could only imagine.
"I was afraid too Mandy, for a lot of things, but it's over now, I'm sorry okay? I'm glad you're still here with me, I thought you'll never come back."
She stayed that way, on my lap for quite sometime after that; all the while we didn't even talk, the only movement there was my hand constantly combing her long hair back. It felt good then, even when that little voice in my head was reminding me that the peace wouldn't be forever, that soon she'll start asking about my family and her again and hell will break lose, I remember just hanging on to that special moment we had.
She pushed herself away at some point, acknowledging how tired I must be sitting that way, and we ended up side by side in bed, both staring at the dark space ahead of us, in silence yet again. Sometimes I would find myself smiling in the dark as I heard her light breathing brushing against my neck. This is what it's all about, to have someone with you in bed, where you'll never be alone. But of course, I was still troubled.
"If I died yesterday, I would regret two things in my life."
There, I said it.
I felt her stiffened next to me, and then her soft breath as she let out a small sigh. "What would that be?"
"I would regret for failing to show how much I love my family and my girlfriend."
She was silent after that, it felt like years before she finally spoke but it must have been a few minutes top. "What about the guys?"
"There's nothing to regret there. It had been an extraordinary ride, I'm sure they'll miss me but I like where we left off."
She said nothing about the on going issue between her and my family; most of the time, we snuggled back into silence. I was sucking in every moment of it, wanting to stay that way forever until I fell asleep. God knows what she was thinking, but I was soon to find out when I woke up the next day.
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