OUTSIDE
And you, bring me to my knees again
All the times, I had to beg you please- in vain
All the times that I felt insecure for you
And I leave my burdens at the door
But I'm on the outside,
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colours
Cause inside you're ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times that I felt like this won't end was for you
And I taste what I could never have
It's from you
All the times that I've tried,
My intentions, full of pride
But I waste more time than anyone
But I'm on the outside,
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colours
Cause inside you're ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
All the times that I've cried,
All this wasted, it's all inside
And I feel all this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie here in bed
All alone, I can't mend.
But I feel tomorrow will be o.k.
January 25, 2003
FINE AGAIN
It seems like every day's the same and I'm left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is grey and there's no colors to behold
They say it's over and I'm fine again
Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here
And I am aware now of how everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late I'm in hell
I am prepared now seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late just as well
I feel the dream in me expire and there's no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar because I can't seem to get this through
You say it's over, I can sigh again
Why try to stay sober when I'm dying here?
And I am aware now of how everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late I'm in hell
I am prepared now seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late just as well
January 9, 2003
TOMORROW
Is it any wonder why I'm scared?
If I was a little younger would I care?
Feeling like the walls are growing stronger
I don't know if this cage can hold me any longer
You never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded
Cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded
I'm not afraid of tomorrow
I'm only scared of myself
Feels like my insides are on fire
And I'm looking through the eyes of someone else
Never thought they'd want me to go any faster
Never thought I took my foot off the gas
Everybody loves to be in on the pressure
But I know they're all waiting for the crash
You never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded
Cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded
Things have changed, you've become a complication
Can't make it through another day's humiliation
Is it any wonder why the answer keeps me petrified?
Is it any wonder why I'm scared?
January 1, 2003
Happy New Year!
Sorry to anyone who read what I wrote here before. Drunkenness and computers don't mix. Apparently, my stupidity has no boundaries either.
October 6, 2002
BOTHER
I wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother; I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason; my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying
You don't need to bother; I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I'd died, instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten with its memories
Diaries left with cryptic entries
You don't need to bother; I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds
You don't need to bother; I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I'll never live down my deceit
August 29, 2002
AMAZED
Sometimes I think I'm gonna drown
Cause everyone around is so hollow
I'm alone
Sometimes I think I'm going down
But no one makes a sound
They follow
And I'm alone
Yeah if I make it I'd be amazed
Just to find tomorrow
One more day and I'd be amazed
Just to see it waiting
And if I make it I'm still alone
No more hope for better days
But if I could change
Then I'd really be amazed
And when you know you can't relate
To one more shiny face
Your heart breaks
No one cares
And when you know you can't go on
Cause everything is wrong
Your heart breaks
But no one's there
Yeah if I make it I'd be amazed
Just to find tomorrow
One more day and I'd be amazed
Just to see it waiting
And if I make it I'm still alone
No more hope for better days
But if I could change
Then I'd really be amazed
August 27, 2002
Where?
I was wrong to think that I could ever trust in you
I was wrong to think that you would want to trust me too
Here I am
Here I stand
I was wrong to think that I could ever love you
I was wrong to think that you would want to love me too
Here I am
Here I stand
So, where the hell are you?
So where are you when I need someone too?
Well, I'm tired of needing you
June 7, 2002
Another birthday. Sigh. I'm overwhelmed by all the nothing I have accomplished with my life.
Seriously though, it is weird to think I'm 20. Shit, I'm not a teenager anymore. The problem is that it's not like I'm going to be more mature. I guess I can always make the effort.
DENY
Today I woke up and you were gone
The whole day wondering what I did wrong
It's like I'm falling from a mountaintop
My heart keeps pounding and it won't stop
Can you see this hell I'm living?
I'm not giving up
Will you crawl to me?
Will you fall with me?
I'll never crawl to you
I've done it all for you
Well don't deny
The hand that feeds you needs you
Oh God, I'd die to try to finally please you
There goes a piece of me
Will I cease to be?
I've never lied to you
Fought, bled and died for you
Well don't deny
The hand that takes you breaks you
Oh God, I'd die to try to finally please you
There she goes
And I'm on the ground
I'm on the ground
I'm on the...
Well don't deny
The hand that feeds you needs you
Oh God, I'd die to try to finally please you
Will you crawl to me?
Will you fall with me?
I've never crawled to you
I've done it all for you.
April 17, 2002
I'm back!! That was a quick retirement wasn't it. I just love my public so much I could not deny you my presence any longer.
Much like Christ, I have risen. Except I'm alive, and I don't have bullshit stories to say to everyone to prove that God wasn't impotent. Oooh. Take that God!
I'm back cause I have a new purpose in life. Spotting websites on Angelfire that are run by people that do not deserve to breathe the same oxygen as me. My hope is to eliminate theses sites, leaving me dominant. Let's face it, that's what everyone wants.
Today's site is located at www.angelfire.com/weird/ghostdiarys
WAIT!!! Don't go there until I tell you.
This is apparently a site dedicated to the paranormal. That tells you a lot right there. I'll be honest, I didn't read the whole site, I was too busy choking on my own puke. Seriously, this guy deserves to die. Apparently his sister just died (choking on my cock) so I'm sure his got stories about seeing his dead sister fly around, or something gay like that. He also read the Bible voluntarily, which is a certain sentence of death there.
Then, there are the pictures, which i guess are supposed to prove something. To me, they look like blurriness, but hey, why ruin anyone's fun? Honestly, check out the site for the pictures. You'll laugh your asses off when reflections of lenses are taken to be paranormal. The best proof of paranormal events are the pictures of the people who run this "site". They look like death warmed over.
In short, its because of people like this that the concept of ghosts will never be taken seriously. What I want you to do my minions is to e-mail these people and tell them I sent you and that you agree with me... They have no right to our air! In fact tell them they should die in order to be ghosts and do some freaky shit.
Till next time...
March 29, 2002
My web page: R.I.P. 2002
Well, it's about time. Honestly, this page has gone downhill with my lack of effort and really I feel bad if anyone is still actually checking to see if it is updated. It's just not at the level I would like it to be, and I'm not willing to put the effort into it. So fuck it. No more updates. Until the grand re-opening, which will be marked by a tickertape parade and me being given the key to the city. Stop laughing, it could happen. It would also be really cool if it rained Easter bunnies tomorrow.
So, it was a fun ride while it lasted, and a big thank you to everyone who made this page a success, the readers. (Always gotta kiss up to them in the farewell). Seriously though, it was cool to know that people actually cared enough to read what I wrote. You made the work of the page worthwhile, and I'm sorry I didn't provide you with a better service over the past year and a bit.
February 1, 2002
Ever just sit there and wanted to tell the world to fuck off? To be honest, I'm really pissed off now, and I don't even know over what. Well, I do, but I want to be sure first.
January 9, 2002
Well, I'm feeling better and things are worked out. Seems I don't stay angry at people long.
CRAWLING IN THE DARK
I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything
For just a few seconds worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could
Know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make
Won't end up all for nothing
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark
Looking for the answer
Is there something more than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark
Looking for the answer
Help me carry on
Assure me it's o.k.
To use my heart
And not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark
Looking for the answer
Is there something more than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark
Looking for the answer
So when and how will I know?
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking
And I just can't see what's in front of me
In front of me!
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark
Looking for the answer
Is there something more than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark
Looking for the answer
January 2, 2002
You ever have one of those days where everything goes to shit in about 15 minutes? You go out with your friends and have fun bowling, and your looking forward to your date the next day. Then you get online to check your e-mail, and there's the girl. And the first thing she says to you is, "Oh, well, I don't know about this date thing. It's not a good idea. Bye."
Well, thanks a lot. I kinda wish that you had said no the first time, and hadn't dropped hints about how you like me. That kind of rejection I can deal with a bit better.
Anyways, I'm gonna get wasted, cause I just discovered a bottle of rum in my desk. Hopefully, everyone else is happier than I am now.
December 30, 2001
Well, it's almost the end of the year. Was it a good year or bad year? Fuck if I know, that's why I was asking you. December 18, 2001
Well, exams are almost over, one more on Thursday. Good, after that I can see my friends again. What's that groaning?
CRASHING AROUND YOU
I am your nightmares, true scares
That dream when you can't stop from falling
Can't fight, can't run
Can't stop the person you've become
I am your heartbreaks, mistakes
That place inside you hate
I am that shadow following every move, reminding you
That it's never good enough, never good enough
Even though you'll try and try
I'm gonna call your bluff
Because I am the thing bringing the feelings when...
Your world comes crashing around you
Smashes down around you
When will you see that you cannot hide from me?
When you feel darkness, hopeless
Can't cope with all the stress
I'll make you hate life, bring strife
Remeber failures hardened stare
And it's never gonna change, never gonna change
Always they'll be judging you
Compared to who and who
You trust in me, but I only live to see
Your world come crashing around you,
Smash down around you
When will you see that you cannot hide from me?
When I come for you
When I see through you
When I eat through you
When I destroy you
You'll think you're betrayed, astray
I'll leave you ripped and torn so bad you
Can't trust, can't love
Can't understand why life's so fucked up
I'm deep inside your mind
In constant remind
If you leave your thoughts to me, believe
I'll make sure that I see
Your world come crashing around you
Smash down around you
When will you see that you cannot hide from me?
I'll make your worl come crashing around you
Smash down around you
I'll let you see why you cannot hide from me...
Because I am you
November 28, 2001
"You bought Nelly Furtado?! That's pretty gay! Can I burn it after?'
Yeah that's right. Hey stop laughing. Fuck you.
To reaffirm my heterosexuality, I really enjoy the new Machine Head. I can't stop listening to it. They are now my second favourite band.
DEAFENING SILENCE
She looked right into my eyes and said to me
The hurt that you try to hide is killing me
You drink a thousand lies, to freeze the past in time
I've tried to fill this silence up
But now it's back again
See the pain in my eyes
See the scars deep inside
My God, I'm down in this hole again
With the laughter I smile
With the tears that I cry
Keep going down this road called life
She says that I'm insecure, I guess she's right
Cause just when I think I'm sure, alone at night
The agonies come back, this pain won't let me be
I try to fill the silence up
But now it's back again
See the pain in my eyes
See the scars deep inside
My God, I'm down in this hole again
With the laughter I smile
With the tears that I cry
Keep going down this road called life
Don't need your sympathy
I just want for this silence to stop killing me
It's deafening
It's deafening
This silence inside me
I try to fill the silence up
But now it's back again
It's empty like a suicide
This pain inside
See the pain in my eyes
See the scars deep inside
My God, I'm down in this hole again
With the laughter I smile
With the tears that I cry
Keep going down this road called life
Don't need your sympathy
I just want for this silence to stop killing me
November 20, 2001
I better be careful before this page blows my cover as an asshole. Wouldn't want people to think I'm nice and care. Glad to see my friends are reading though.
November 10, 2001
I read something disturbing, and untruthful on the web today. I was going to go into a full rant on the subject, but I just realized that it was written by a person whose opinion I don't respect anyway. Still is fun to see the pot try to identify a kettle, but fail miserably. Next time, at least try to get the facts right.
In conclusion, don't insult or look down upon any of my friends, cause when you do that, you insult or look down upon me. I choose to share a part of my life with these people and while I don't say it much or act like it, I appreciate them. These people have earned a special place in my heart for the fact that they tolerate my crap, no questions asked. They have more honour and dignity and class in their little fingers than you can ever dream of.
Look at that, I ended up ranting anyway. Oh well, I'm glad I said it. Here's a song that can help fit the situation.
HOLIER THAN THOU
No more!
The crap rolls out your mouth again
Haven't changed, your brain is still gelatin
Little whispers circle around your head
Why don't you worry about yourself instead
Who are you? where you been? where you from?
Gossip is burning on the tip of your tongue
You lie so much you believe yourself
Judge not lest ye be judged yourself
Holier than thou
You are
Holier than thou
You are
You know not
Before you judge me take a look at you
Can't you find somethig better to do
Point the finger, slow to understand
Arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand
It's not who you are it's who you know
Others lives are the basis of your own
Burn your bridges, build them back with wealth
Judge not lest ye be judged yourself
Holier than thou
You are
Holier than thou
You are
You know not
Yeah, who the hell are you?
October 31, 2001
BLEEDING ME
I'm digging my way
I'm digging my way to something
I'm digging my way to something better
I'm pushing to stay
I'm pushing to stay with something
I'm pushing to stay with something better
I'm sowing the seeds
I'm sowing the seeds I've taken
I'm sowing the seeds I take for granted
This thorn in my side
This thorn in my side is from the tree
This thorn in my side is from the tree I've planted
It tears me and I bleed
And I bleed
Caught under wheels roll
I take the leech
I'm bleeding me
Can't stop to save my soul
I take the leash that's leading me
I'm bleeding me
I can't take it
Caught under wheels roll
Oh, the bleeding of me
Of me
The bleeding of me
Caught under wheels roll
I take the leech
I'm bleeding me
Can't stop to save my soul
I take the leash that's leading me
I'm bleeding me
I can't take it
Caught under wheels roll
Oh, the bleeding of me
Oh, the bleeding of me
I am the beast that bleeds the feast
I am the blood
I am released
Come make me pure
Bleed me a cure
I'm caught, I'm caught, I'm caught under
Caught under wheels roll
I take that leech
I'm bleeding me
Can't stop to save my soul
I take the leash that's leading me
I'm bleeding me
I can't take it
I can't take it
I can't take it
Oh, the bleeding of me
I'm digging my way
I'm digging my way to something
I'm digging my way to something better
I'm pushing to stay
I'm pushing to stay with something
I'm pushing to stay with something better
With something better
October 28, 2001
THE GOD THAT FAILED
Pride you took
pride you feel
pride that you felt when you'd kneel
not the word
not the love
not what you thought from above
it feeds
it grows
it clouds all that you will know
deceit
deceive
decide just what you believe
I see faith in your eyes
never your hear the discouraging lies
I hear faith in your cries
broken is the promise, betrayal
the healing hand held back by the deepened nail
follow the god that failed
find your peace
find your say
find the smooth road in your way
trust you gave
a child to save
left you cold and him in grave
it feeds
it grows
it clouds all that you will know
deceit
deceive
decide just what you believe
I see faith in your eyes
never you hear the discouraging lies
I hear faith in your cries
broken is the promise, betrayal
the healing hand held back by the deepened nail
follow the god that failed
I see faith in your eyes
broken is the promise, betrayal
the healing hand held back by the deepened nail
follow the god that failed
pride you took
pride you feel
pride that you felt when you'd kneel
trust you gave
a child to save
left you cold and him in grave
I see faith in your eyes
never you hear the discouraging lies
I hear faith in your cries
broken is the promise, betrayal
the healing hand held back by deepened nail
follow the god that failed
SEPTEMBER 27, 2001
THE UNFORGIVEN
New blood joins this earth
and quickly he's subdued
through constant pained disgrace
the young boy learns their rules
with time the child draws in
this whipping boy done wrong
deprived of all his thoughts
the young man struggles on and on he's known
a vow unto his own
that never from this day
his will they'll take away
what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been
what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub thee unforgiven
they dedicate their lives
to running all of his
he tries to please them all
this bitter man he is
throughout his life the same
he's battled constantly
this fight he cannot win
a tired man they see no longer cares
the old man then prepares
to die regretfully
that old man here is me
what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been
what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub thee unforgiven
you labeled me
I'll label you
so I dub thee unforgiven
SEPTEMBER 13, 2001
Nothing to say about the shit that went down on Tuesday. Words can't describe it.
Bought the new Nickelback album and an older one. Great stuff. I regret not noticing them before. Anyone who wants some good grunge rock should pick it up.
It's been a pretty good time for music. I count about 16 new Cds. Nickelback, Puddle of Mudd, System of a Down, Alien Ant Farm, Staind, Tantric, JimmyEaty World, Pennywise, Saliva and Tool. Some awesome stuff.
I'll leave you with a Nickelback song from the new album. Not all the songs are as depressing though.
JUST FOR
BY: NICKELBACK
I want to take his eyes out
Just for looking at you
Yes I do
And I want to take his hands off
Just for touching you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do, yes I do,yes I do
And I want to make him regret
Life since the day he met you
Yes I do
And I want to make him take back
All that he took from you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do, Yes I do, Yes I do!!!!!!
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