Volpane In Love

A personal blog with irregular updates.

Saturday, August 25, 2001

Another day off. I dreamt I visited Jon in San Francisco. He came to pick me up in an old VW bug with Kevin and a friend. Then he managed to drive off the freeway and into a bog. I wonder what that means.

It seems the neighbor upstairs, a Ms. Carter and long-time resident, has moved. They've been banging around upstairs for the past two days. I recognize the voices of the manager and his regular contractor. Right now someone is banging on the floor at regular intervals. I will have to get out soon.

Waking this morning I was thinking about my novel and how after too installments to a friend I've managed to loose my steam. I know I can pick it up, but I haven't been motivated that direction. Finances weigh heavily and distract me from my creative flow. Haven't even been able to distract myself with a new romantic interest...I am resisting couching my despair and sadness as simply boredom. Perhaps that might be more tactful at this point.

That's just the problem though. I've gotten to a point again where I don't feel like being tactful, good, sober or pleasant. Iíve been tempted to start smoking, wasting my money on drinking heavily and visiting a sex club around the corner. I think most of my friends would either applaud or keep their own council if I followed through with this desire, because I think weíve all been there at one point or other. Iím just not wanting to cause myself more problems by burning myself out on vices I donít currently claim for myself.

Instead Iím listening to Rufus Wainwright too much, painting my nails over and over in ever increasing layers, watching my hair color fade and grow out, wearing my contacts longer than I should, dressing in black, drinking too much caffeine (tweek noticed that the other day), reading F. Scott Fitzgerald and realizing when I got such silly ideas about life. On one hand I want someone to take pity on me and befriend me out of curiosity and compassion, on the other I realize most likely I will alienate everyone who doesnít already know me and realizes that I am merely posing here. I donít want to be, but Iíve been feeling very spiky and irritable, even my favorite customers at work are upsetting me. Iíve needed this break from work, but it has only shown me how much I need a break from my life again.

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