city of angels chap 3
I have 5 siblings. They always drove me crazy. But as we got older, it didn’t really matter as much, I suppose. When I was 17, I remember having this major crush on my brother Taylor. But I had liked him since I was younger then that. It was so bad; I hardly slept for a while. I thought I was in love with him. Now I was rational, I knew this was wrong. I didn’t tell anyone. Taylor was…is still beautiful. He was SO hot. I thought he was perfect. But straight as a fucking arrow, sadly. Smart, too. I was so desperate for him one day; I almost slipped some shit into this drink he was drinking. I wanted him knocked out, so I could explore his body like I’d always dreamed of. He took it away before I had the chance. But I was SOOO CLOSE. So close. It scared me. Every time Taylor brought in another one of his many girl friends, I was almost dying inside. We were on top of the world then, we were in this band, on every damn magazine cover and everything wanted us. We were stars. Living the Hollywood life of glitz and glamour. We partied every night, and still managed to keep a low profile and “good” reputation. Taylor’s girls were pretty models and anorexic “inspiring” actresses, using him for his money and looks. And status. Then I could hear him…fucking those girls almost every night, I couldn’t handle it.. I wanted him so bad it hurt me. Of course, by then I knew I was gay. I tried to pretend wasn’t. I hid it well, but I knew. I KNEW deep down I was.
I had girls too. A lot. I had to look “normal”. I have must have been loaded up on a hell of a lot of alcohol to make myself feel anything for those girls, though. And even then, as I was having sex, I thought of Taylor. My lust for him was ruining my life. And so was my denial.
There was this one time; this ONE time I just finally lost it. I had had way too much to drink. I was delusional. The girls had left, my other brother Zac was out somewhere probably smoking high-priced “top” shit in the Hollywood hills for all I knew or cared, and Taylor and me were alone. He was taking a shower. All was silent but the sound of water running and my breathing. Everyone was gone and we were alone on the bus. I could still hear the sounds in my head of Taylor, moaning and breathing heavily, from his latest fuck. I was having this delicious fantasy. I was all wrapped up in it when Taylor came out of the shower in a towel, and asked if I knew where the razor was. I looked at him all dripping wet and silhouetted in the door of the bathroom; the light coming from inside, and my breath came sharp.
“Ike? Where the fuck is the razor? I’m going out and I need it. And why are all the lights off? Ike?” I finally answered.
“There’s a bag of them under the sink on the left. Where are you going?” I asked, curious.
“Uh, the address is around her somewhere. A party down on 23rd, I think. Heard about it from Zac. He’s there now. “ For some reason, I was fascinated by the way his stomach moved slightly when he talked. Either I was way to stoned, or I had finally lost it. I had to tell him. He continued, “I would be there now, if I could find my damn razor!” he turned and started rummaging thought the cabinet. I got up and walked over to him. He stood up and started trying to open the packet of razors. The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them,
“You know I’d give anything to have you, right?” He stopped trying to open the pack of razors and slowly stood up.
“What? “ He asked. He looked at me in the mirror; I saw confusion on his face. Like he thought he hadn't heard me right.
“ I want you.” I simply said. I knew I’d fucked up. I couldn’t cover this, so why try. I might was well tell the truth.
‘I’ve liked you since you were 14. I lust for you every single minute of every single day. I want you so bad, it hurts me, Taylor.“
His eyes looked away from mine and he said quietly,
“I know. You think I’m a moron?”
What? I jerked in surprise. He knew?
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