Aggie Jokes
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(Simply click on the title of the joke to return back to the top)
"I'm going fishing."
"It's a guy thing."
"Can I help with dinner?"
"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
"It would take too long to explain."
"We're going to be late."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
"That's interesting, dear."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"I can't find it."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
"You look terrific."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever
see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything
that feels good for 36 hours.
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
9. I think-therefore I'm single.
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country.
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman.
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career.
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes
home late at night.
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck?
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his
house.
20. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
1
"Four Little Kittens"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
"I Got A 100!"
"Where Is Susie?"
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop
and think about little Jamie Scott.
17. "I finished the Oreos."
With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.. Here are a few of the new ones: DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gasesback into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides. FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra. PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other
people.
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular,
Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when he's in trouble. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing clean tennis shoes into it. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house... --by Kathleen J.
And God said to Adam : "I will give you a woman that will love and cherish you. That will do anything you want to do, that will accpet anything you tell her. She will be beautfil,sexy and everything you can imagine" Adam replied : "How must will it cost me?" God answered : "An arm and a leg!" Adam though for a while and then replied "What can I get for a rib?"
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?(Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is
no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect
man.
****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. ****Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. THIS EXPLAINS WHY THERE WAS A CAR ACCIDENT! By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: WOMEN NEVER LISTEN EITHER!
Bob goes into a bar and sees his old friend from high school, Joe,
at the bar. He goes to the bar and says, "Joe, how are you doing?
I haven't seen you in years! What are you up to these days?"
Joe replies, "Hi Bob. How have you been? I've got a new job
here, working in probability."
They have a few beers and say goodbye. The next week, Bob is back at the bar and sees John, another
old classmate. He and John start talking, and Bob says, "I just
saw Joe here last week. He's working with probability now."
A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce. He asks, Any grounds? Woman: yeah, about 2 acres. Lawyer: Do you have a grudge ? Woman: No, we have a car port. Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning ? Woman: No,I get up before him. Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ? Woman: No, my husband wants it...he says he can't communicate with me !
Mechanic: (after checking under the hood of a car and finding it very low on oil) "Ma'am, there's no oil on the dip stick." Female Car Owner: "Would you mind squirting some on it? I'm kinda in a hurry!"
It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said: "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed. The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years. The lion, too, wanted only 10. Again Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," said the lion. Then came the donkey who was also given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough. Man asked for the spare 10 years and he got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself.
When his little daughter stumped her toe and said, "D a r n!" the father reasoned with the child that he would give her a dime if she would never say that word again. Her eyes brightened up and she gladly took the dime and the promise. A couple days later, the daughter bursts into the room and exclaims to her father, "Papa, I've got a word now that's worth half a dollar!"
A man is talking to God and asks him: "God, why did you
make women so beautiful?", to which God replies: "so that
you would find them attractive". Then the man asks: "God,
but why did you have to make them so dumb?". To which
God replies: "So that they would find you attractive!"
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the
job.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Cover charge: $15.00 Round of drinks: $23.00 Table dance: $30.00 Another round of drinks: $23.00 Couch dance and tips: $50.00 A round of shots: $34.00 Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00 Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
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