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Aggie Jokes
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 (Simply click on the title of the joke to return back to the top)
Friars Bravery Sleeping in Service Bible Salesman Don't Cheat! Faith Engineer in Hell Noah's Ark Say What? Missing chapter of the Bible Christian Bear
The friars were behind on their monastery payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh, the town bully, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - proving that..... Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I don't really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad either." "Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed you did in your life, I'll let you in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me. "So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron," the guy says. "Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!" St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
There was once this man who wanted to be a salesman all of his life. It was his dream, but the only problem is that he has a speech impediment. One day he is walking along a street and sees a sign that reads, "Salesman needed, apply inside." He leaps for joy and immediately enters the store. When he walks in he realizes that they sold Bibles. He didn't care what he sold, so he talked to the receptionist who referred him to the store manager. He walks into the office and the manager says,"How can I help you?" The man replied," IIIIII wanttttttt tttttooooo seeellll Biblesss!" Realizing that the man stuttered he responded,"Well my son, I don't think that you are what we are looking for." The man, realizing that his dream was slipping through his fingers, got agitated and said," III WANTTTT TOOO SSELL BBibleSSS!" The manager, being a good Christian, wanted to help the man and not just turn him away. He thinks for a while, then picks up a Bible, hands it to the man and says, "Son, I'll tell you what. Take this Bible. If you can sell it, come back to me. If not, then take it as my gift to you." The man agreed and left the store. Fifteen minutes later he returned to the manager with twice the asking price for the Bible. Intrigued, the manager gave him three more and sent him out again. Forty-five minutes later the man returned to the store with three times the asking price for the Bibles. The surprised manager says to him, "Son, I am amazed! Take this case of Bibles and if you can sell them all the job is yours!" The excited man leaves with his case. The manager thinking that he will never see him again, was amazed to see him return after only two hours! Burning with curiousity, the manager said, "Son, you are hired. I've never seen anyone be able to sell Bible as quickly as you, but I just have to know how you are selling all of these Bibles! Take this Bible, go outside of my office, knock on the door, and I want you to come in and sell it to me." The man smiles and goes out, knocks on the door, comes into the office and says to the manager, "Woood yyyooouuu likeeee tttttooooo bbuyyyy aaa Bbbbibleee, orrr woulddddd youuu lllikkkee meeee ttooo rrrreeaaddd it tooooo yoouuu???"
Three guys go to heaven and realize that the way to get rewarded in heaven is to not cheat on your spouse while on earth. Well, the three guys went to the Golden Gate to receive their reward. The first guy cheated twice on his wife. However, he was satisfied when he received a meager compact Voltzwagon for his punishment. The second guy cheated only once, so he received a nice Oldsmobile sedan. The third guy never cheated, so his reward was a beautiful Lincoln Towncar. The two guys who cheated were driving around in their new cars when they noticed the third guy (who never cheated) sitting on a bench weeping and crying. They both stopped and asked, "You received such a nice car. Why are you moaning? The guy paused between moans to say, "I just saw my wife on a SKATEBOARD!"
A guy in the woods is suddenly being chased by a Grizzly Bear. As he's running, he stumbles and falls off a cliff. However, on the way down, he instinctively reaches out and grabs a branch on the way down. He looks up and about 10 feet above him is the Grizzly Bear looking down at him, mouth salivating and all. So, what most people would do if they were facing life and death, the guy starts praying to God. He asks God to rescue him. God answers from a voice above, "Let go!" The guy ponders this for a while and then calls out, "Is there anyone else up there?"
Once, an engineer was accidentally sent to hell. The engineer installed running
God said, "If you don't give me the engineer, I shall take you to court". Satan didn't seem worried. He said, "You can't do that." "And why not ?..." God asked. "Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer from?" says the devil.
You know how Noah had to take species of every living beast that was on the earth. It had rained for forty days and forty nights and Noah did not know whether or not the water had dried from the land so he said "The turtle will go out and see if it is safe to go out on land because he can walk on land and he can swim in water." He said it may take a few days because a turtle is real slow, but he will be our safest bet. So then one week went by and the turtle had not returned and the animals were saying, "that no good, crazy turtle! What is taking him so long?" Then two weeks more went by and the turtle still had not returned. The animals said, "Why, that liver-lipped, no good, soft-shelled idiot for a turtle! What is taking him so long?" Then, three weeks went by and the turtle had not returned. By that time, the animals were getting very impatient, and they said, "What the heck is taking that stupid turtle so long? If he doesn't come back in a day or two, we will have to make turtle soup out of him when he does come back." As soon as they said that, there was a knock on the door. The animals answered the door and the turtle appeared, saying "If you impatient fools don't shut up, I WON'T GO AT ALL!"
In the immortal words of Abraham speaking to God, saying, "Now, wait a minute! You give them the land and the oil and you want me to cut off the end of my what?" In the immortal words of Moses standing on Mt. Sinai, saying, "Man, what a place for a hospital!" In the immortal words of John the Baptist upon his entrance into the desert, "Oh, so you want me to wear camel's hair and eat dry locusts and wild honey, and my cousin gets all the credit?!"
And God said to Adam : "I will give you a woman that will love and cherris you. That will do anything you want to do, that will accpet anything you tell her. She will be beautfil,sexy and everything you can imagine." Adam replied : "How must will it cost me?" God answered : "An arm and a leg!" Adam though for a while and then replied "What can I get for a rib?"
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that the "accident of evolution"
had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful
rivers!
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