Quit Messages
Buncha random crud
Only about five of these are mine. Bet you can't guess which five.
In this page, I've got a large list of quit messages, which I'm still not done with. It's partially alphabetized, but not quite fully yet. For those who don't know, 'quit messages' are something I (like many others) use with my IRC client. Whenever I disconnect, it gives a witty saying, quote, phrase, or something of the like. Anyway, without further ado:
5 out of 4 poeple can't understand statistics.
83% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain." - Mark Twain
A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. - Dave Barry
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. - Mark Twain
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. - Ben Franklin
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Winston Churchill
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.
"A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard." - Prof. Steiner
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
A tennis ball should always be served but not eaten.
A thousand words are worth a picture, and they load a heck of a lot faster.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends." - Herbert Hoover
Absence makes the heart go wander.
Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power." - Ashleigh Brilliant
All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
"All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates." - Woody Allen
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." - Jane Wagner
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands." - Saint Patrick
"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." - Sean O'Casey
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing." - Dave Barry
Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy." -Charlie McCarthy
"America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization." - John O'Hara
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President, but is always polite to cops.
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a courtesy detail."
Ankh if you love Isis.
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
"Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there." - Sydney J. Harris
"Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure." - Milt Barber
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby." - Robin Hood
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
"As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error." - Weisert
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." - Albert Einstein
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
"As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular." - Oscar Wilde
"At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest." - Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
"Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint." - Mark Twain
Be different: conform.
Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
"Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers." - Leonard Brandwein
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
Blore's Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men." - Kin Hubbard
Brain fried -- Core dumped
Bug, n.: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program.
Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - Indian proverb
"Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points." - M. M. Johnston
Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.
Clever is getting out alive.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Committee, n.: A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." - Albert Einstein
Condense soup, not books!
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.
Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is only a state of mind. Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
Death to all fanatics!
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
"Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve." - George Bernard Shaw
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. - G. B. Shaw
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
"Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time." - E. B. White
DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Do not read this quit message under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't get even -- get odd!
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
Don't mock the Penguin!
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." - Charles Schultz
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
During the next two hours, my system will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
E Pluribus Unix
Eagleson's Law: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
Earth is a beta site.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
"Eat my shorts." -Bart Simpson
Ehrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better?
Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation of computer manuals.
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Error in operator: add beer.
Error in REALITY.SYS, restarting universe
ERROR: Insufficient motivation to remain
ERROR: Keyboard not detected, press any key to continue
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it." - Woody Allen
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" - Robert Orben
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
Everything is unimportant in some way.
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again." - F. P. Jones
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Famous last words: "...."
Famous last words: "Don't worry, I can handle it."
Famous last words: "You and what army?"
Famous last words: "Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix."
Famous last words: "Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there."
Famous last words: "What happens if you touch these two wires tog-"
Famous last words: "We won't need reservations."
Famous last words: "It's always sunny there this time of the year."
Famous last words: "Don't worry, it's not loaded."
Famous last words: "They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager."
"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." - Oscar Wilde
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries: (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. (2) The first person whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Finagle's fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" - The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
"Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity." - Robert Firth
NEWS FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good quit message next time ...
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong." - H. L. Mencken
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
"For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like." - Abraham Lincoln
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
Free advice is seldom cheap
Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck.
If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." - Elbert Hubbard
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Go climb a gravity well!
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter.
"God doesn't play dice." - Albert Einstein
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
"God is Dead" - Nietzsche "Nietzsche is Dead" - God "Nietzsche is God" - The Dead
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
God is real, unless declared integer.
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board" - Mark Twain
"God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean." - Albert Einstein
God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." - Jim Horning
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." - George Saunders' dying words
"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time travel, you never can tell." - Dr. Who
Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
"Happiness is having a scratch for every itch." - Ogden Nash
Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Have an adequate day.
"Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long."
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
"Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around?" - Dr. Who
"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
"He hadn't a single redeeming vice." - Oscar Wilde
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." - Mark Twain
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
He who Laughs, Lasts.
He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is...
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." - Redd Foxx
Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
Heisenberg may have slept here.
Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Hello," he lied. - Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
Help fight continental drift.
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a quit message file!
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?" - Jay Leno
HEY! Who unplugged my modem?
Hey, you're on the brink of success! Don't look down, you'll get dizzy.
Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they claim they'll make you?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
"How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?" - Elliot, "E.T."
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll document it in the manual."
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out."
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.
Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." - William Gilbert
I always have food on my plate, sometimes I just lose the plate.
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." - English Professor
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill
"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
"I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up." - Biff Barf
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I can resist anything but temptation.
"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." - Joe Walsh
"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." - Florence Henderson
"I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it." - Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." - Peter Oakley
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up.
"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." - Isaac Asimov
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me." - Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." - Elvis Presley
"I don't make jokes in base 13. Anyone who does should get help." - Douglas Adams
"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." - Ronald Mabbitt
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
I doubt, therefore I might be.
"I hate quotations." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!
"I have great faith in fools - self confidence my friends call it." - Edgar Allan Poe
"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one." - James Gordon Bennett
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter." - Blaise Pascal
"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." - Oscar Wilde
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it." - Steven Wright
"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way, did not become still more complicated." - Poul Anderson
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein
"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." - Charles Schulz
"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." - Art Leo
I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." - Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away."
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
"I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation." - G. B. Shaw
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck." - Graffito in Los Angeles
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." - Steven Wright
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." - Shirley Temple
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n >= 3 because I couldn't remember the proof." - Baker, Pure Math 351a
"I thought you were trying to get into shape." "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
"I thrust my nose between his teeth, and pulled him to the ground on top of me!" - Mark Twain
I told my wife she should treat me like a fine wine..... --- She locked me in a dark cellar....
" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" - Winston Churchill
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." - Emo Phillips.
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place." - Steven Wright
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know." - Mark Twain
"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific." - Steven Wright
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums." - Steven Wright
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him!
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back."
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned."
"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about."
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." - Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
"I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it!" - Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." -Michael McShane
I'm as happy as an idiot in idiotland on idiots-get-in-free day. Nah, I'm kidding, there's no such place (and I should know).
I'm leaving now to go find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
"I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money." - Arthur Godfrey
I'm sorry, captain, but there is no intelligent life on this planet.
"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives"
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
"I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was this little hole in the bottom ..." - John Croll
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes on the same day.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
"If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law." - Roy Santoro
"If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." - Albert Einstein
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door." - Paul Beatty
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." - Yiddish saying
"If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?" - Marvin Kitman
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." - Albert Einstein
"If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants." - Isaac Newton
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." - Hal Abelson
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
"In computer science, we stand on each other's feet." - Brian K. Reid
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
"If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants." - A. Einstein.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." - Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.
If practice makes perfect & nobody's perfect, why practice?
If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?
"If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder." - Pope John Paul I
"If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it." - Stanley Garn
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong." - Norm Schryer
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
"If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you." - Muhammad Ali
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
"If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking." - Lyndon Baines Johnson
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." - Laurence J. Peter
If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can read this, you're too close.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them." - Harry S Truman
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
"If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it." - Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce" - Winston Churchill
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
If you have to hate, hate gently.
"If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee." - Graham Summer
"If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred." - George Burns
If you make a man a fire he will be warm for a day. Set the man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
"If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." - Maslow
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker.
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." - Earl Wilson
"If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it." - Arthur Kasspe
"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." - A. L.
"If you want divine justice, die." - Nick Seldon
"If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." - Dorthy Parker
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late." - Henny Youngman
If you're happy, you're successful.
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." - Jules de Gaultier
"Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery." - Jack Paar
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs.
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't get parts.
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." - Mark Twain
In a world without walls or fences, who needs Windows or Gates?
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan, Cosmos
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.
Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
Individualists unite!
"Innovation is hard to schedule." - Dan Fylstra
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
"Irrationality is the square root of all evil" - Douglas Hofstadter
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
"It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this." - Bertrand Russell
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." -Albert Einstein
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois.
"It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either." - Mark Twain
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased." - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
"It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people." - Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune." - Woody Allen
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." - Woody Allen
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." - Gore Vidal
"It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one damn thing over and over." - Edna St. Vincent Millay
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
"It runs like x, where x is something unsavory." - Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." - Robert Benchly
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
"It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ..." - James Dent
"It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples." - Charles Dickens
"It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat." - Robert Fuoss
"It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word." - Andrew Jackson
"It's bad luck to be superstitious." - Andrew W. Mathis
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!" - Macy's
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney
Even the samurai have teddy bears.
"It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair." - George Burns
"It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one." - Phil White
"It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground." - Daniel B. Luten
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen
It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
"It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case." - Sydney J. Harris
Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.
Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Join the march to save individuality!
Jone's Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
"Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac (and nobody cares about it)." - Bill Joy 6/21/85
"Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed." - Irene Peter
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets" -The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!!
Justice, n.: A decision in your favor.
Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
First law of Frisbee: The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck").
Second law of Frisbee: Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!"
"Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze" - Hellman's Mayonnaise
Keep your Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head on your Shoulders. Now ... try to get something DONE!
Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority.
Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.
"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions." - Henry N. Camp
Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false.
"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor."
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to eat it nevertheless." - Flaubert
Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
Life is like a simile.
Life is like an analogy
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
"Life is too important to take seriously." - Corky Siegel
Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." - Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. - Alan McKay
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening
"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." - H. L. Mencken
"Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood." - Louise Beal
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes.
Machine-Independent, adj.: Does not run on any existing machine.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
"Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts." - Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." - Wernher von Braun
"Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to." - Mark Twain
"Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy." - Albert Einstein
Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?" - Dr. Who
"What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers." - Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. - Ray Simard
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
"Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly." - Voltaire
"Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated." - R. Drabek
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
"Maturity is only a short break in adolescence." - Jules Feiffer
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end.
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms." - Groucho Marx
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music." - Groucho Marx
"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." - Susan Ertz
Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
"Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it." - Russell Baker
Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is the root of all wealth.
"More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly." - Woody Allen
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..." - Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. - Sniglets
"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one." - Groucho Marx
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!" - Zippy the Pinhead
"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed." - Christopher Morley
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies
"Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later." - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the light more."
"Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?" - Solomon Short
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs." - Fran Leibowitz
Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
No, I'm fairly certain cheese-puffs are not six-dimentional. Yes, even the really expensive ones.
No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" - Dr. Who
Of course someone who knows more about this subject than me, will correct me if I am wrong, while those who know less will correct me if I am right.
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Only two things are infinite: the universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the first one. -Albert Einstein
Packets? I don't need no stinkin' packets!
Paradox error #3214: cannot remain while channel exists
People these days won't take responsibilty for anything...but don't quote me on that.
People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from many.
Please enter any eleven digit prime number to continue
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Rebooting the world. Please log off.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Someone's boring me. I think it's me.
Sorry, I got spicy cha-cha mix in my eye.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." -Sue Murphy
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
There are two competing forces in existance: engineers trying to come up with better foolproof designs, and the universe trying to make better fools. So far, the universe is winning.
"There are two kinds of fool. One says `This is old, and therefore good.' And one says, `This is new, and therefore better'." -John Brunner
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.
There's no 'I' in team. But there is 'me', if you mix up the letters.
Things are only impossible until they're not.
Those who can, do. Those who understand, teach.
Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be told that sorrows know how to swim
"Time is fun when you're having flies" - Kermit the Frog
To be or not to be: that is binary.
To save money on electricity, we've turned off the light at the end of the tunnel.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Two atoms were awalking down the street. One said, "I think I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" The first one said "I'm positive"
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." -David Letterman
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." - Mark Twain
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
WARNING: run-time error exception 496. Please hit any user to continue.
We are Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor tile.
We are MS-DOS of Borg. Resistance is bad command or file name.
We are Windows of Borg. Resistance is ERROR: ASSIMILATION.EXE has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
When someone with multiple personalities threathens suicide, can that be considered a hostage situation?
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do cartoon animals wear shirts, but no pants? (and why does Mickey have pants but no shirt?)
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Windows: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit of competition.
You always find something in the last place you look.
You can't be late until you show up.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
You might say reality is just the complex set of interactions between the observer and the subject of observation. But that is just a point of view.
You will be assimilated! Press any key to continue.
Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.