One day in Heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Frances, and St. Paul were
standing near the dog kennels watching the dogs frolic, while admiring
the beauty of the Afghans and Borzoi...
" I am certainly bored", stated Peter. "Me too"
chimed in Paul. "I know what we can do! Let's have a dog show !"
Both thought that was a great idea until Paul pointed out that there
would be no competition. " We have all the World and National Champions
right here already"
"Let's call Satan! ", Peter replied. " His kennels are filled the
spoiled, non sighthounds, difficult and mean dogs. We'll have built a
major that we would certainly win."
And so Satan was called on the Hot Line. He laughed and asked why they
would invite him and his dogs, only to be humiliated because he would
certainly beat them.
Peter and Paul did not understand. " What do you mean you would
humiliate us?
We have all of the World and National Champions in our Heavenly kennels.
Even the top producing stud dog of all time Best In Show Champion, Afghan Hound, Coastwind "Abraxas". How could you
possibly beat us?"
Satan laughed again and said, " Have you gentlemen forgotten so soon? I
have all the judges !"
DOG SHOW
***Parking Lot Rules***
(Please feel free to share this with your
friends - NOBODY YELL AT ME...its a joke) ,,sorta. YES, I made it up and take full credit - Jerre :-)
Rule #1 - When in a parking lot pick-up as many male homosexual dog show exhibitors as possible-look your worst-no make-up unruly hair. Let your dog sniff his crotch before picking up the guy. They like that. (Are you listening Miranda?)
Rule #2 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing. And always do this with a smile. Or have your Borzoi smile for you.
Rule #3 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred at all dog shows.
Rule #4 - In the crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #5 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him. Have your Borzoi smile at him again, at this time. After all who can resist a smile from a Borzoi?
Rule #6 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car. This is wonderful if exhibitor has a long coated dog such as an Afghan Hound - makes more work for him/her, once they are home.
Rule #7 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. If you leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #8 - When driving through the parking lot, at a dog show, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed of a sighthound.
Rule #9 - When stopped in front of a entrance and waiting for a friend/client/handler to take his/her dog to the ring and stand for examination, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking-up and discharging passengers, dogs, dog crates, trollies, EZ-ups etc....
Rule #10 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it. This works wonderfully if driver, you have pissed off, happens to be showing Afghan Hounds or Borzoi - makes nice "ring-chat". It's usually a good idea to ignore Rule #9 if you suspect he/she is judging your breed.
Rule # 11 - Teach your dog how to use his/her paw to flip off all people, except judges and supers. This is best when limited to the parking lot. And this does not apply to Afghan Hounds, as they usually can't be taught anything. It is suspected that sometimes Afghans can be taught to poop on command, however. See if this works for your dog.
Rule #12 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the show
grounds parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #13 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other exhibitors, judges, wanna-bees, walking past your car to get to theirs, press the
buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden
loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the living crap out of them. This is best
when his/her dog has placed higher than yours.
Rule #14 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian
cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic
and attempt to pass him. And remind your dog to flip him off!
Rule#15 - When exiting the show grounds into a busy road, exit through
the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into
traffic, and wait.
Rule #16 - When driving through the show grounds parking lot with
alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong
way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point
turn to pull into it. Let your dog hop up and down with excitment.
Rule #17 - Always leave your show gear cart behind or tightly between
parked vehicles.
Rule #18 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in show gound parking lots.
While you're at it, dump out all the garbage too including that Wendy's
or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast. Also dont
forget the bag of poop your dog did on the way there.
Rule #19 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking
lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule #20 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot
in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, smile at
yourself, adjust your seat, and the radio. Teach your Afghan Hound or
Borzoi a new trick - this could take months. Roll down your window,
light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your junk
and look at what you just bought, and mark your catalog. This is also a
good time to enter the next show, with your lap top.
Rule #21 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a trolley cart
in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an
adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the trolley is still too
close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. Dont worry
about removing crates, show gear, tents etc. from it. While the cart is
flying solo, turn around and walk toward your ring.
Rule #22 - When walking back to your car in a busy show parking lot
grounds, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think
that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars
to the next aisle and do it again. Prompt your dog to use the finger
when they yell at you. If Dog is an Afghan Hound, he probably was
unable to learn the trick - so use your own finger.
Rule #23 - When holiday shopping at the show grounds, which requires you
to load your crap into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do
NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car
and signaling for your spot.
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
***ROTTWEILER: "Make me."
***BORZOI: "As long as you love on me, I will do anything for you! I
just want to be touching you at all times. And please NOTE, I have just
seen the hidden chocolate on top of the fridge, while I'm up here
changing this darn bulb for you...would you like to just release the
chocolate bar now..or should I just help myself, when your back is
turned???"
***AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: "One, but just "try" to convince me that the
burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away."
***JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: "One, but just "try" to convince them that the
burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away."
***PUG: "Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two".
Is that OK with you?"
***GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?"
***AFGHAN: "Light bulb? I know I'm not the smartest crayon in the
box, but....
Duh. What the crap is a light bulb? It's not a grooming tool, is it?"
***POODLE: "Sorry, Just had my nails done "
***BEAGLE: "How many cookies do I get?"
***WEIMARANER: "Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB??"
***LAB: "Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep."
***BASENJI: "LIGHT BULB? We don't change no steenking light bulbs."
***MALAMUTE: "Let the Border Collie do it. You can pet me while he's busy."
***GOLDEN LAB: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first
can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee -- and then I want
to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with
my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself -- you didn't
have to do that -- but I looooove you so much for being my friend and
doing that."
***BORDER COLLIE: "Just one. And I'll rewire the house while I am at it."
***GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat,
protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add
the light bulb to my TO DO list."
***SALUKI: "I wanna be an Afghan" If you can just put some coat on me,
I'll change anything for you" ... Deal?"
***DOBIE:"No no no, I WILL rewire the house while I change the light
bulb!!! Do you hear that Border Collie? Remember when you want it done
right, always call a Doberman! "
***OLD ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: "Ok, but I can't see the light. My bangs are
in my eyes".
***COCKER SPANIEL: "What have you done for me lately"?"
***GREAT DANE: "No problem..."
***PHARAOH HOUND: "Oh my God, you are making me blush"
***DACHSHUND: "If you even THINK about removing me off my sofa, I will
remove your hand"! Grrrrrrrrr!"
***PIT BULL/AM STAFF: "How about I just jump all over you, knock you
over, hug you, lick you, sit on you and beat you up with my wagging
tail, instead?...Besides, I can't reach no fregging light bulb!"
***ITALIAN GREYHOUND: "Got Pasta?"
Dog Show Terms Defined
Thank you Bonnie, Nickolai Borzoi - Ohio
1. Great stud dog.....Mounts anything that can fog a mirror.
2. Excels in movement.....If he gets loose, runs like Hell.
3. Personality Plus.....Wakes up if you put liver up his nose.
4. Good bite.....Missed the judge, got the steward.
5. Large boned.....Looks like a Clydesdale.
6. Good Obedience prospect.....Smart enough to come in from the rain but ugly.
7. Quiet and good natured .....In his kennel.
8. Excels in type and style.....However, moves like a spider on speed.
9. Won in stiff competition.....Beat 4 puppies and a 9 year old novice dog.
10. Multiple group winner.....At 2 puppy matches.
11. Pointed.....His head is shaped like a carrot.
12. Noted Judge.....He put up our dog.
13. Respected Judge.....He put up our dog twice.
14. Esteemed Judge.....He puts up anything that crawls.
15. Specialty Judge.....Puts up anything that looks like his own breeding.
16. Won in heavy competition.....The others were revoltingly overweight.
17. Shown Sparingly.....Only when we had it in the bag.
18. Show Prospect.....He has 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2
ears, and 1 tail.
19. Finished in 5 shows.....And 89 where he failed to win a ribbon.
20. Well Balanced.....Straight as a stick, front and rear(LOL, this is the best *GRIN*- Jerre)
21. Handled brilliantly by.....Nobody else can get near him.
22. At stud to "approved" bitches.....Those bitches whose owners check is "approved" by our bank.
23. Linebred from famous champions.....Ch Whoozitz appears twice 6th generation.
24. Terrific brood bitch.....Her conformation is the pits, but she throws big litters.
25. Wins another Best In Show.....His second, under the same judge, our uncle.
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