The Tenor in the Bathroom

(Party's bar.  Someone is singing in the bathroom, which heretofore no one knew had existed.  Shanks and Luffy are horribly disillusioned.)

Makino: (shrugs) I didn't want to clean up after a crew of trashed pirates.  Or their pets.

Luffy:  I'm not a pet!

(The singing continues.)

Vivi:  I do believe it's from Carl Orff's Carmina Burana.  (She listens a bit more.)  It's the 'Wounded Heart' solo from Part III.

Shanks: That's one of the finest tenors I've ever heard.

Usopp:  I wonder who it is.

Shanks:  It's not Ben - he's a baritone.  Wait a sec.  Where is Ben?

(Makino looks everywhere but at Shanks.)

Shanks:  What did you do with him, you siren!

(In the bathroom, at Party's Bar.  The camera follows the trail of clothes that begins at the door.  First there are the discarded boots, the haramaki, then the bloody shirt,, and finally pants tossed next to the bathtub.  Three swords are propped up against the sink.  The camera girl, who is sweat beading like mad, very carefully zooms up and finds…Zoro in the bathtub up to his neck in bubbles.)

Camera Girl: Damn!  So close to a NC-17 spam-fic rating…

Zoro:  Hey!  Can't a guy get his privacy?

Camera Girl: Just doing my job, sir.  (flips through the script madly.)  Uh, it says here that you're supposed to stand up and chase me out of here…

Zoro: No, it doesn't.  Like the author would get me naked for a mere camera girl.

Camera Girl: Well, I can dream can't I?

Zoro:  And you will be dreaming for a long time.

(The camera girl drops the extremely valuable camera and runs away in tears.  The author is forced to continue without cinematic effects.)

(Downstairs, the gang is wondering why the singing stopped and, more importantly, who the girl who just ran out the door was.)

Shanks:  Who was that?

Makino:  Dunno.

Usopp:  She looks as if she's in distress!  I will go and save her!

(Usopp runs off to the rescue, leaving Makino and Shanks, for the very first time, alone.)

Luffy:  You forgot me.

Vivi:  And me.

(Metaphorically alone that is.)

(Party's bar: The Mysterious Bathroom.  Zoro is soaking in his bubble bath.  The camera girl did not notice that Zoro has taped up his fine nose.)

Zoro (smirking): It is a fine nose, isn't it?  And it's about time you let me sound cool and have a few good scenes where I'm not whining about Luffy and Sanji. The yaoi thing has gone too far.

[(grins malevolently): I could always insert Tashigi in this spam-fic.]

Zoro (pales): Or yaoi is okay.

[Don't be frightened.  After all, 'you only mock the ones you love.'  Plus I said you were a fine tenor.]

Zoro (smirks): That's right.  I am.  And it's about time that was recognized.  So now that I'm all warmed up…  (He clears his throat.)  FAME!  I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER -

(Downstairs.)

Makino:  Now that we've determined that Zoro is still the complete putz that the author insists him on being -

Zoro (from bathroom): I heard that!

Makino: - what's the next plot thread that needs to be tied up?

Shanks:  How about, 'Where's my First Mate?'

Makino (innocently): I don't know.  He mentioned something about going back to the ship to shoot a few blanks.

Shanks:  That's all he shoots.  (pause) Yassop takes all the proper ammunition.

Luffy:  Shanks.  Shanks.  Shanks.  Shanks.

Shanks (ignores him, as he is reminded of another plot thread that he is intimately connected with): Don't you have something in your contract that you need to fulfill?

Makino (muses): Can't say that there is…

Shanks (leers): Are you quite sure?

Makino (innocently): Hmm…let me think.  Yup.  I'm really sure.

Luffy (begins to jump up and down.): Shanks.  Shanks.  Shanks!

Shanks (snarling): What do you WANT?

(Luffy gets a kicked puppy dog look and his lower lip trembles.)

Vivi:  Look what you did Shanks.  You're mean.

Shanks:  Guilt…overwhelming…me…

(Luffy bursts into tears and runs off.)

Shanks:  Damn you, author!  (Then he chases off after his mentee.)

Makino:  Thank you.

[No problem.]

(Ominous pause)

[You'll pay me back later.]

(At this moment, Ben enters Party's Bar dispelling all ominousity in the area.)

Ben:  Why was Shanks chasing Luffy down the street?  Never mind.  I don't want to know. (He heaves a bag onto the bar)  It's all here, plus interest at 216%.

Makino (opens the bag and pours out the money. It fills the counter and falls on the floor.): Excellent!  Let me get you that Amaretto Sour.  Would a double be okay?

Ben:  A double would be appreciated.

Vivi:  Where'd you get all that money, Ben?

Trailer: Where did Ben get all the money?  Has Sanji escaped Nami?  Will Zoro really achieve FAME?  Will Shanks stop having horrible guilt attacks?  Did Usopp catch up with the camera girl?  Does anyone care?

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Terms Explained:
Carl Orff's Carmina Burana - check it out.
And don't worry, fans, the author would never get Zoro naked for a mere camera girl.  Or anyone else for that matter.