Spam - it is pink and awful

(Fuschia Village; inside Party's Bar.  A woman stands behind the counter.  It is Makino, bar wench and general manager.  The bar is empty of customers.  She is cleaning glasses and humming Folder 5's Believe.)

Makino (stops humming and looks up): Folder 5?  Doesn't that break the fourth wall?  How could I possibly know a J-Pop song?

(A large legal document appears on the bar before her.)

Makino (reading out loud): Makino - Legal Contractal Obligations.  What the HFIL? "The author's elevation of Makino, herewith referred to as 'client,' from filler character at a bar to the status of full cast member obligates her to fulfill certain deeds and withalls within the following work of fiction." (reads some more)  "This includes being the keeper of the Smut Garden."  Whatever that means.

[Oh, you'll see. (Diabolic laughter)]

Makino (dryly): This is a spam-fic, isn't it?

[Good job.  Got it in one.]

(A partial script materializes in front of Makino.  She picks it up.)

Makino (reads): Makino works against Shanks' protestations and woos him into her bed of wicked sin. (snorts) Protestations my hinny.  Shanks is a slut.

[Blaspheme!  You're a blasphemer!]

Makino (shrugs): Oh, I'm sure you know best.

[You have a smart mouth.]

Makino:  Hey you're the one who's projecting, Mary Sue!  I'm not here to fulfill your every whim. (flips through script)  Oh, it appears I am.

[That's why it's called the Smut Garden, after all.]

Makino:  So am I existing in Party's Bar by myself?  Is this Waiting for Pirates, or something?  I stand here and talk to myself and no one ever shows up?

[Read the script please.]

Makino (perusing lines): What happens if I refuse to say them?  Because, frankly, I refuse to say them.

[Then the spamfic ends - ]

Makino: Most likely a good thing -

[ -and you never get to realize your ultimate fantasy.]

Makino (surprised): You know about that?

[Of course I do.]

Makino (clears throat loudly, pauses, then finally, after much decision and face-making reads from the script.  Sullenly): I can't believe I'm saying this…(monotone) 'Shanks will be mine.'

Ben:  Actually, he's mine.

(Makino considers this statement.  There is a long pause as she regards the First Mate.)

Makino:  Wait a second.  This is the author's fantasy and if I know the author that means this is a yaoi-less fantasy!  Why are you even here?

Trailer:  Why is Ben there?  Will Makino fulfill her contractual obligations?  What is the Smut Garden, exactly?  Does anyone care?

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Terms explained:
The title - from 'Spam' by Save Ferris. 
Mary Sue - a type of SI, usually female, usually perfect, who is often omniscient, omnipresent, plus she can sing and cook extremely well.  Sometimes, but not always sleeps with a main character and may be 'terminated' in an extremely angsty way.
Smut Garden - a perversion of the Little Garden and the Sunlit Garden