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Touga's Lineage Revealed!
(On the Student Council balcony. Shanks and Touga are playing Go Fish. In contrast, Miki and Vivi are doing their best to relieve Utena of all her lunch money in a high stakes game of blackjack.)
Shanks: Do you think it's safe to go back to the observatory?
Touga: Perhaps you should rephrase that question.
Shanks: Would this be a less than really bad time to go back to the observatory?
Touga (checks his Swatch, realizes he doesn't wear one): Hey Miki! What time is it?
Miki: It's a STOPwatch, Touga.
Touga (sighs petulantly): Is the blue haired chick as useless in your series as Miki is in mine?
Shanks: Yes.
Vivi: Oh what do you know!
Touga: It's so strange, how totally different the concepts of our series are and yet how many striking similarities there are.
Shanks: Yeah. Whatever. It's your turn.
Touga (stuck on his train of thought): Take, for example, ourselves. We both have red hair, both are the most important characters in our series, the main characters love us -
Utena (under her breath): Give me a break.
Touga: - we both handle swords well, we both are kind of perverted….(a strange, thoughtful, hopeful look crosses Touga's face. He stares at Shanks.)
Shanks: What?
(There is a clatter as the teacups and saucers fall to the ground - teacups and saucers that hitherto had not been on the table and were put there only for dramatic effect. Touga is on the table (a la Nanami) trying to grasp Shanks' hand. The game of blackjack at the other table has come to a complete stand still.)
Touga: Father!
Shanks (unconcerned): Your pathetic attempt to unnerve me so that I might reveal my hand to you will not work.
Touga (tears well up in his eyes): Just tell me why, Dad…why did you leave Nanami and I on the steps of the Kiryuu mansion?
Shanks: Stop trying to look at my hand, Touga.
Touga (seats himself): Of course, Father. Anything.
Shanks: And don't call me 'father.'
Touga: A progressive parent? That's okay by me, Fa- Shanks. So where's Mom? No, no, I'm getting ahead of myself. Who is mom?
Shanks (sighs): Oh, Lord have mercy.
Miki (piping up from across the balcony): I would like to point out that Touga failed Logic.
Shanks: No kidding.
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(On the grounds of Ohtori. Akio lies in a broken heap on the grass. Wakaba walks by.)
Wakaba: No way. Learned my lesson about being a Good Samaritan last time.
(She rounds the corner. Akio twitches.)
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(Scene change. Makino drives along the ocean road near Honou in an exact replica of the Akio-mobile, only hers is black and has a Jolly Roger on the hood. The radio plays.)
Radio: The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire…
(Makino hums along happily. Suddenly, the music on the radio changes - to really bad 70s porn music.)
Radio: Bow-chica-wow-wow…
Makino (glumly): I must be getting close to Mr. Party's sphere of influence.
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(On the grounds of Ohtori. Anthy and Zoro are author hunting, due to the outrageous spamming that Zoro has had to endure for the past forty or so odd chapters. Zoro has been describing in excruciating detail the horrors that the Author will endure in the near future.)
Zoro: First I'm going to get a big cross and some rope.
Anthy: Seriously, Zoro, you're a bit too intense.
Zoro (ignoring Anthy) : And then the author can hang there for a couple of months, without food or water -
Anthy (gives Zoro her patented Sanji in the Body of Anthy 'I like kicking men in the groin; I find it emotionally fulfilling' look): Like hell you will.
Zoro: Fine. The author may eat. Only really nutritious, foul tasting food. Preferably from Britain. Is that alright with you?
Anthy: No objections there.
Zoro: And then….
[Go ahead. Hunt me.]
Zoro: Ahha! So you show yourself, Author.
Anthy: It's the same disembodied voice we've been hearing the entire time, nitwit.
Zoro (unsheathes his swords): The disembodied voice gives away vital information, like position! Keep talking, Author!
[Hunt me. Hurt me.]
(The disembodied conversation has taken a turn that Zoro has not expected.)
Zoro:…er…
Anthy: Kinky.
[Make me bleed, baby.]
Anthy: I want to play this game too.
[Of course. I've got some handcuffs waiting for us. Oh! I forgot about the whip. Whip…whipping cream! Let me dash to the grocery store. Don't go away.]
(The two hear disembodied sounds of feet running, the slam of a car door, and the squeal of tires.)
Zoro: Sanji, let's go hunt for your body. This is getting too weird.
Anthy: Darn.
(Somewhere else, the author congratulates herself on how well she plays mind games.)
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Trailer Substitution:
(On the mid-afternoon flight to Japan.)
Shayla Shayla: One more time.
Moderator (slowly): We're passing over the international dateline.
Shayla Shayla: Yes. I understand that part.
Moderator: When you go over the international dateline, you, now listen carefully to this part, lose a day.
Shayla Shayla: Yes. I understand that too.
Moderator: Are you sure?
Shayla Shayla: Like I said before - time travel. (The Moderator bangs his head on the seat in front of him - not hard to do in economy class - and consequently acquires the eternal enmity of the person in front of him. Shayla Shayla rolls her eyes.) What am I not understanding?
Sailor Mars: Stop! Stop! Stop! She is never going to understand it! Never!
Shayla Shayla: We're flying at high speeds in a tube of metal over the ocean and we lose a day. How is that NOT time travel?
Stewardess: Excuse me, ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to keep your voice down.
Shayla Shayla (strange fires burn in her eyes): And I'm going to have to ask you to -
(Conan clamps a hand over the goddess's mouth and smiles.)
Conan: I'm sorry, miss, but my sister hasn't been taking her medicine like she's supposed to.
Stewardess: What a nice young man. (The stewardess gushes for a few more minutes, then leaves to serve weak coffee to unsuspecting passengers. Very carefully, Conan removes his hand from Shayla Shayla's mouth.)
Conan: Do. Not. Screw. My. Case. Up.
(Shayla Shayla glares at Conan.)
Shayla Shayla: And what will you do about, little man?
(Conan pulls a document out of hammerspace.)
Conan: You'll pay for my college tuition. (hands her the contract) Before retaining me, the Moderator signed this paper. In paragraph ixv, there is a clause that states if my client should happen to screw up the investigation due to their own actions, I am entitled to be paid my entire fee as well as my college tuition.
Sailor Mars: You aren't going to college for years and years!
Conan: I know, but a kid has to start saving sometime.
(Shayla Shayla hands the contract to the Moderator, who begins to bang his head on the seat, earning muttered death curses from the person sitting in front of him. Luckily, the person is only a vengeance demon, a type of demon that can grant curses, but cannot wish vengeance for themselves. The Moderator is saved by luck…or is he?)
Conan (darkly): You listen to me and let me do my job and we'll all be happy campers. You'll get your wayward member returned to you and I'll be paid. Happiness everywhere.
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Terms Explained
You get it, right?
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