DEAR SHANKS…

(On the Student Council balcony.  Shanks and Touga are playing Go Fish.  Vivi, Miki, and Utena are playing Blackjack.  Strange and not quite Phantom of the Opera-ish music comes from the elevator shaft.)

Touga (calling over to Miki): Hey, are you expecting anyone?

Miki: Nope.  It's not Juri.  She's busy.

(Vivi blushes and coughs.)

Miki: And Saionji is hunting with that other insane bushido guy.

Touga: Dear lord I hope it isn't Nanami.

(The Elevator, which paused mid way up so that the two Student Council members could finish their recap, finally reaches the balcony and reveals, none other than…the FedEx Guy!)

FedEx Guy: Excuse me?  I'm looking for -

Touga: I'm right here. (he gets up from the table, allowing Shanks to sneak a peek at his hand)  President of the Student Council, Touga Kiryuu.  Let me sign that.

FedEx Guy: I'm sorry, sir, but this letter is for Shanks, Red Beard.  Is he here?

Shanks: What's this? A letter? For me?  (He puts down his cards, gets up from the table, and walks over to sign the package, giving Touga an opportunity to peek at his cards. The FedEx guy leaves.)  This is strange.

Touga: From the Ends of the World?  He doesn't usually send them FedEx.

Shanks (opens the letter and reads it.  His face falls): Nope, more like from the End of My World.  It's from Ben and he sent a Dear John note.  He's staying with that Dutch pizza slut.

Touga: That bastard!  He didn't have the guts to do it in person!

(Miki coughs loudly from the other side of the balcony.)

Touga: Shut up!

(On the other side of the balcony.   Utena, Miki and Vivi are playing Blackjack.)

Utena (to Miki): Why did you cough?

Miki: I had a bit of dust in my throat.

Vivi: I think it's your turn, Miki…

(On the other side of the balcony.)

Touga (trying to comfort Shanks): I understand 'abandoned.'  I'm adopted myself.

Shanks (puts the letter down glumly): Really?

Touga: Me and my sister were dropped off on a doorstep like frickin' kittens. Kittens…oh god (sudden sob) Mr. Tigger!

(Shanks picks up his cards and waits for the sobbing to subside before continuing.)

Shanks: I know abandoned too.  I tend to do it to people who try to connect with me emotionally.  Stupid emotions.  Stupid people. Stupid Ben. (holds his cards so tight that they begin to crease) I'm the cool, unfaithful one.  He'll find he can't make it on his own.

Touga (suspicious): That's a bit possessive.  I think the author is spamming you.

Shanks: I know she is.  Ben's playing the part of an unfulfilled co-dependent lover who breaks off from an emotionally abusive relationship to find happiness elsewhere, while I'm the cheating user who is supposed to be ruing his past promiscuous behavior. (looks up) But I don't! You can't change me, Author!  I like being a slut! 

Touga (nods emphatically): Me too.

===============

(Underneath the Castle of Illusions on the Dueling Arena.  Usopp and Luffy are staring up at the upside-down castle.)

Luffy: Almost like Sky Island…

Usopp: But not quite.  In fact, not at all like Sky Island.

Luffy: I can't decide what would be more fun.  Shot into the air by a sudden geyser of water or being levitated by a beam of light.  (turns to his cousin) Well?  Summon the beam of light!

(ChuChu obligingly whips out his cell phone and presses speed dial.  He talks briefly to someone then hangs up.)

Chu: Chu.

(Exactly as ChuChu said, a brilliant beam of light flashes down into the middle of the arena.  Slowly, the trio are lifted up by an unknown force!)

Luffy (trying to swim in the air like Charlie and his grandfather during the Fizzy Lifting Drink scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory): Wahoo!

Usopp (gripping onto the monkey mouse and whimpering): I'm gonna die.  I'm gonna die.

ChuChu (trying to push Usopp off, exasperated): Chu.

===============

(Somewhere on the Ohtori Academy campus.  Sanji (in Anthy's body) is looking for Anthy (in Sanji's body) with the help of Zoro, ex pirate hunter, and current author hunter.)

Anthy: Any day now.  I can't have gotten far. 

Zoro: How do you know?  You might be in Rio for all you know.

Anthy: If my body is affecting my body snatcher the way hers is affecting mine, than she will not be able to leave the Campus from Heaven. 

(Akio walks by with a ladder over his shoulder.  He is whistling.  He notices the two.)

Akio: Oh, hey Saionji, Anthy. 

Zoro: I'm not Saionji!

Akio (stops and looks at Anthy): What are you doing? Aren't you supposed to be watering the garden?

Anthy (sullenly): No.

Akio (blinks): Anthy, when did you start smoking? (His wristwatch beeps.  He puts the ladder down and leers) Never mind.  Time for me to abuse you again.

Anthy: Oh hell no.  I am not being molested, especially if I'm not in my proper body.

Akio (suspiciously): Utena?  Is that you?

Zoro: You don't want to be molested?  Since when?

Anthy: Not like this!  Not by a man!

Akio (more suspiciously): Juri?

(Anthy takes the matter into her own hands.  Zoro watches the ensuing pandemonium with a pained look on his face.  When Anthy is finished, Akio's broken body lies on the ground.  The dean moans softly and twitches.  Zoro has moved back several feet.  One hand is on one of his swords and the other hand is covering his 'special' sword.)

Zoro (pale): You aren't normally that -

Anthy (lights up then says): Pinpoint accurate in the groin area?

Zoro (swallows nervously): Yes.

Anthy (exhales a lungful of smoke): I guess being female has opened some new doors for me.  I like being indiscriminately brutal.  It's fun.

Zoro (removes his hands from his swords very cautiously): Let's find your body quickly.

Anthy (grinning): Okay.

(After they leave, Akio twitches again.)

Akio (soft voice): That was… unexpected.

===============

(In a dark room.  Usopp and Luffy are…somewhere.)

Luffy: This isn't funny, Cousin ChuChu!

Usopp (knees shaking): I wa-wa-want to go back to the ship.

(Suddenly a blinding light appears ahead of them.  A figure is backlit - expensively.)

Voice: Come into the light!

Usopp (hysterically): Oh Gawd!  We died!

Luffy (suspiciously): Is that you, Chopper?

===============

Random Quote Analysis:
I hate to advocate alcohol, drugs, violence and insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. - Hunter S. Thompson

Anthy (totally ignoring the quote): And why in the name of all that's holy do the doujinshi artists have to draw me like I'm a girl? I have facial hair!  I am not a girl. Do I look like a girl to you, Zoro?
Zoro (taking a careful look at the junior high school student in front of him): Yes.
Anthy: When I'm in my own body, smart-ass.
Zoro: Perhaps it is a social commentary on your feminine qualities. You are kind of prissy about dirt.
Anthy: So I should stop washing my hands before I cook?  Ever had E. coli?  We'll see if Chopper has a shot for that one.
Zoro: And you wear an apron.
Anthy: Unlike some people, I don't buy my shirts in six packs from Fruit of the Loom!
Zoro (smirking): You're very testy today, Sanji.  Is it that time of the month?
Anthy: I'll show you testy, you steroid taking sword freak!
Zoro: Bring it on, girly-man!
(insert fight here.)


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Terms Explained
Explanation Unknown, ruby, ruby, ruby, ruby so-ho