The Return of the Con

(In Wakaba's dorm room.  Utena is making phone calls while Wakaba recovers from her experience with Sanji's left eye.)

Utena: Seriously?  That much?  Hmm.  Okay.  Thanks for the info.  (hangs up the phone and sighs)  No cheaper there unfortunately.

Wakaba: No luck on the testosterone replacement therapy?

Utena: I never realized it was such a valued commodity.  And prices have sky-rocketed because a large storage facility of the stuff just burned down. (sighs)  Shoulda guessed though.  I imagine we wouldn't have so many bishonen if it were readily available to the public.

Wakaba: And your aunt won't fund this?

Utena (exasperated): She said I should leave the science to her and get on with maintaining my lousy 'C' average.

Wakaba: At least she isn't forcing high expectations on you.

Utena (bristling): A 'C' average!  You try maintaining that when swords are constantly flying at your chest!

Wakaba: Er, yeah.

Utena (shoulders her bookbag and heads to the door): Well, I guess I'll have to go make some money and if I know this school, there's a card game going on somewhere. Will you be alright by yourself?

Wakaba: I should be, thanks.

(With that, Utena heads off to get funding for her testosterone replacement therapy.)

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(The mentally sick duo exit a taxi.  Saionji pays and then they climb over the walled SDF fortifications and back into Ohtori.)

Saionji: I feel much better, now that I'm back in this little prison/fantasyland.  The real world is scary.

Zoro: Yeah, especially now that Wufei is allowed to walk free.

Saionji: So. (scans the grounds) The author has to be around here somewhere.

Zoro: Time to slice someone from neck to navel!

(Just as the mentally ill bushido pair are about to run off in the wrong direction yet again, a young purple haired student with glasses walks by.  She looks like she has just been at ground zero of a large explosion and she is smoking.)

Saionji (grabbing onto the girl's shoulders and shaking her):  Anthy! How dare you! (Saionji whacks Anthy across the face.) Smoking is bad!  Very bad!

Zoro (hides his face in his hands): You are not helping our case.

(Anthy takes her cigarette out of her mouth, tosses it on the ground, and stamps it out.)

Saionji:  That's more like it.  I don't know what kind of filthy habits that Utena has been teaching you but -

(Anthy kicks Saionji in the groin. He goes flying into the air and winks out of sight.)

Anthy: Who the hell was that putz, Zoro?

Zoro: Is that you, Sanji?

Anthy (mimics him): Is that you, Sanji? No shit, Sherlock. Who do you think I am?

Zoro: A pawn in the nefarious schemes of a man who styles himself as Lucifer.

Anthy (blinks): You're right.  As long as I look like this, I am all that you said and more! I have to find my body.  Come help me look.

Zoro:  I can't.  I'm author hunting.

Anthy:  Why?

Zoro: The author spammed me.

Anthy (in droll tones): And that's different from every other time how?

Zoro:  She spammed me worse that normal.  She said I was mentally ill.

Anthy: And that's a surprise?

Zoro: I AM NOT MENTALLY ILL!

Anthy (soothing tones): Of course not.  You're completely sane, just like the rest of us.  Now if you help me get back into my proper body, we'll both go author hunting.

Zoro:  Really?

Anthy:  Of course.  Let's find me!

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(At the foot of the Incinerator of Doom, Juri and Nami are about to discover that there is one final test they must endure before ridding themselves of the One Locket.)

Voice:  Precioussssssss…

(Nami and Juri peer around fearfully.  Luminous eyes glow in the shadows.)

Voice:  Preciousssssssss….. Nasty thieves, give us our precious!

(Shiori steps forward, dressed in her Black Rose Saga dueling costume.)

Shiori: And you're disgusting, Juri!

(Shiori attacks Juri and rips the locket away from her. Nami pulls out her bo.  She whacks Shiori on the head.  Shiori is knocked off balance and stumbles, with locket in hand, into the Incinerator of Doom.  Being as how the opening is kind of small, Nami has to prod Shiori in the butt with her bo before the evil girl is finally all the way in.  Nami shuts the hatch to the incinerator with a satisfied clank.  Then she drops her bo and steps away from the incinerator in horror.)

Nami (appalled): What did the author make me do?  I'm a thief, not a murderer!

[Yeah, Shiori is gone!  Gone, gone, gone!  Yeah! Muwahahahahahaha!]

Juri (surprisingly calm): Could be okay.  The incinerator is turned on every other day.  She may still be alive.  Or was it every other two days?  I can never remember.

(Nami wipes non-existent sweat off of her brow in a gesture of relief.)

Juri (now ebullient): You saved me from that evil creature of darkness and from the power of the One Locket! I can already feel the weight lifting from my heart.

(Nami stares at the incinerator and sighs.)

Nami (ignoring Juri): Damn.  Melted down, that necklace would have been worth at least one good pair of Gucci shoes. Guess I'll have to go back to plan B and get me a sugar daddy.

Juri: Thank you so much, Nami-san.

Nami (to herself): Maybe if we shut the furnace off…

Juri: I'll do anything to repay you.

Nami (lost in thought): That's nice.

Juri (sidling up to Nami): I do mean anything.

(The Incinerator of Doom belches out thick black smoke, covering Nami and Juri in soot and grime.)

Nami: My clothes!  They were so expensive!  Someone is going to pay for this!

Juri: Man, I wish I was in the movie right now.  Stupid all-white uniforms.

Nami: Crap.  Now what?

===============

Random Quote Analysis:
"Look at this awesome body I have!  (looks down his pants)  This too is awesome…" - Luffy, after he and Zoro do a body switcheroo, from Ringa Taki's doujinshi

Zoro (puts his head in his hands): Oh no…no more torture…
Anthy (who is actually Sanji): Body switching.  That's very creative.  I think.
Zoro: …make it stop…
Anthy: Is doujinshi considered spam?
Zoro: I can't believe…hold on. (reads the quote again, and smirks) Damn straight!

Obsessed Zoro fans: …. (synchronized nosebleeds ensue, spurting blood across computer screens like water from a high pressure hose.)

Anthy: And where are my bleeding fans, Author?
[Your fans are too suave to bleed.]
Zoro: Are you insulting my fans?
Anthy: She's only speaking the truth.
Zoro (knotting his headscarf): A thousand nosebleeds cry out for vengeance! It's author hunting time!


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Terms Explained
Makes perfect sense to me.