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It's not easy being green (and male and mentally unstable)
(Akio is in the school's generator room in the midst of hundreds of wires. Some are connected to the paranoid communications console in the observatory. Some supply power to the Castle of Illusions. Some are just regular old wires that have been around so long that no one is quite sure of their function. Akio is following one of the wires that leads to the fuse box.)
Akio: Maybe I should get an electrician to do this.
(His cell phone rings.)
Akio: Hello? Oh, Bruce, yeah, nice to hear from you. (listens for a moment) WHAT? My insurance company wants to cancel its policies with me? On ALL my real estate? (listens some more) They're in the insurance business; of course I'm a risk. That's why I'm paying them through the nose for those policies. Look, did you tell them about that crazy woman - (pause, screeches) THE FRENCH QUARTER? When did that happen? (pauses) They have a breach of contract? Well, yeah, I want to take the insurance company to court. Do what needs to be done, Bruce. (ends call and looks down at the mess of wires that he's standing in) Crap. Now which one was it? (Akio picks up the wire that he thinks he's been following and follows it right out of the room.)
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(Party's Bar. F.O.Z. Girl has kicked out all of the insipid frat boys and invited her sorority sisters to a slumber party. They have painted their toenails, watched Julia Roberts movies, eaten Doritos, and are currently working on drinking the bar dry.)
F.O.Z. Girl (drinking Natty Light, because Makino caters to all types of tastes - even bad taste): So I finally got this guy naked -
Sorority Sister Salmon Pink: You did? How?
F.O.Z. Girl: This French cook gave me a wig. Let me show it to you (rummages behind the counter) That's funny. I can't find it. Huh, and I'm missing my script. Well, never mind.
Sorority Sister Gray: What did he look like?
Sorority Sister Sepia: Was he cute?
F.O.Z. Girl: Cute! Of course he was cute! Why would I try and get someone naked if they weren't cute?
Sorority Sister Moss Green: Well then, what did he look like?
Sorority Sisters (a la Monty Python): Tell us! Tell us!
F.O.Z. Girl (basking in the attention): Okay. he's tall and muscular -
Sorority Sister Gray (leering): I like that sound of this.
F.O.Z. Girl: - and he's got a strong jaw, probably because he uses it to hold up that sword.
Sorority Sister Moss Green: And he works out? Added bonus.
F.O.Z. Girl: Anyway, he has short green hair and -
Sorority Sister Sepia: Green hair?
Sorority Sister Salmon Pink: That was a dumb move.
F.O.Z. Girl (confused): What are you talking about?
Sorority Girl Moss Green: Everyone knows that anime guys with green hair are mentally ill.
F.O.Z. Girl: What? Really?
Sorority Girl Gray: Oh yeah. It's a known anime fact.
(Everyone looks suspiciously at Sorority Girl Moss Green.)
Sorority Girl Moss Green (with disgust): Anime guys. Only anime guys.
Sorority Girl Salmon Pink (muses this new revelation): Makes sense.
F.O.Z. Girl (wipes her brow with relief): Whew. I didn't realize how close I was to a psycho! Good thing he was compensating or this might have all turned out horribly, horribly wrong!
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(The Dueling Arena. Zoro and Saionji stand at opposite ends. Appropriate chorus dueling music, with incomprehensible lyrics and disturbing melody, plays in the background. The Duel Known as Mentally Unstable has begun!)
Zoro (taking sword out of his mouth): Mentally unstable?
Saionji: I'm not unstable!
Zoro: Where the hell does she get off calling us unstable?
Voice: IT'S YOUR HAIR!
(Away up in the viewing gallery, Miki can be seen. Vivi is with him. They both have opera glasses.)
Miki (putting opera glasses down): Everyone knows that green hair indicates a mentally unstable personality. Anime fact!
Saionji: SCREW YOUR FACTS! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU -
Zoro (hits Saionji on the back of the head with the flat of his sword): You're not helping our case, kendo boy. How am I mentally unstable, Vivi?
Vivi: Do you see anybody with blue hair trying to cut off his or her feet at the ankles?
Zoro (turning red): I was being 'bushido,' Vivi.
Miki: And do I even need to list Saionji's mentally unstable deeds?
Saionji (mumbling): I swear to Dios that when I get a hold of that stopwatch-using freak -
Zoro: Stop ranting! You're making us look bad. (back to Vivi) I don't think your 'anime fact' is made with just the two of us.
Vivi: Case three. Harry McDougall from Outlaw Star.
Saionji: Shit. I know that guy.
Zoro: So we all have green hair! There are plenty of crazy anime characters that don't. There's no reason to single us out.
Miki: Ah, but do all mentally unstable anime characters obsess on women?
Saionji: I LOVE Anthy! I don't 'obsess' on her, as you so crudely put it.
Vivi: What's your excuse, necrophiliac?
Zoro: How dare you dishonor the memory of Kuina like that! I'll cut off your head - I'll - This is bullcrap! (turns to Saionji) This is the author's fault. We're being spammed!
Saionji (glares up at the Castle of Illusions): I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AUTHOR!
Zoro (putting on his black head cloth): That's right. I may have quit being a pirate hunter, but that doesn't mean I can't become an AUTHOR hunter.
(The mentally unstable duo race off to hunt the author.)
Miki: So are we looking at a 'paper-thin margin' situation here?
Vivi: Most definitely. Those two couldn't hunt their way out of a bag.
(Miki and Vivi laugh in their superior, genius, blue haired way.)
Miki: Let's go mock some other intellectually challenged members of our peer group.
Vivi: Yes. Let's.
(They walk off, arm in arm.)
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Random Quote Analysis:
"Just as a precaution, they dyed her hair green. But not the kind of green that may have come from a swimming pool. The kind that says "I'm mentally sick"." - Evil overlord Saga, Chapter 40.
Sanji (laughing): Oh, the hilarity that is the Evil Overlord Saga.
Zoro: I'm not mentally sick!
Sanji: Did anyone say you were?
Zoro: Stop being condescending!
Sanji: I can't help it. I have blond hair.
Zoro (sourly): Blond hair isn't that great.
Sanji (snickers): Whatever, Demento.
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Terms Explained
The naming of the sorority girls is off of the anime, "The Shinesmen." Watch it. It's funny.
A friend and the author made up the 'hair' theory. It's just a theory though and not an anime fact as Vivi and Miki say.
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