The Beginning of Destruction

(Inside Ohtori.  Saionji and Zoro, being the two hot heads that they are, are ready to tear each other apart.)

Juri: Hang on there, you two bags of testosterone.  No dueling on school grounds.  Get up to the Arena if you're going to do that.

Zoro: I don't have to listen to you!

(Juri frowns.)

Saionji (turning pale):  Er, we do, Zoro.  She's the resident angsty lesbian, perhaps one of the most powerful character types in a shoujo universe.  If we don't listen to her, bad things will happen to us.

Zoro: 'Angsty lesbian'?  And she's powerful?  Who came up with that rule?

Saionji: It's all chronicled in 'Scenes from an Elevator.'  And that's practically Utena fanon.

Luffy: Fanon?

Saionji: Fan canon.

Juri (proudly): It spawned a convention.

Zoro: Enough chitchat!  I haven't made anything bleed today!  Where's the Arena?

Saionji: This way!  Follow me to your DOOM!

(Saionji and Zoro race off to have their grudge match.)

Luffy: Great.  So what are we supposed to do?

(Miki and Vivi make eye contact.  Without a word, they break off from their groups, link arms and walk off.)

Usopp (watches their exit): What was that all about?

Luffy: Dunno.  Where'd Nami go?

Usopp: She said she saw an original Rembrandt in one of the offices, then muttered about 'taking this prep school for all it's worth.'

Luffy (approvingly): Good Nami.  We need more cash.

Voice (near feet): Chu.

(Luffy sees the monkey mouse.)

Luffy: ChuChu?

Usopp: You speak monkey-mouse too?

Luffy: No!  This is cousin ChuChu! (picks ChuChu up) The family hasn't heard from you in ages, ChuChu!

Usopp: This -

ChuChu (sternly): Chu.

Luffy (translating): He.

Usopp: Sorry.  He.  He is part of your family?

Luffy (nodding): He used to be Cousin Fred-Dy, from my mom's side, but he ate a ChuChu nut and turned into a monkey mouse.

Usopp: That sucks.

ChuChu: Chu, chu.

Luffy: He says there are perks.

Usopp: Perks? And what are those exactly?

ChuChu (smugly): Chu.

Luffy: He gets to sleep with his owner and her friend.

Usopp: Seriously? In the same bed?

ChuChu: Chu.

Luffy: ChuChu has always been a lady's monkey mouse.

(ChuChu hops off Luffy's hand and runs off.  He beckons for them to follow after them.)

ChuChu: Chu.

Usopp: So we're going to meet the coolest member of the Utena cast?

Luffy (following): Guess so.  Let's go see who that is.

===============

(Touga and Shanks are at the door to the observatory.)

Touga: That's funny.  He's usually here this time of day.

Shanks: This is his office?

Touga: Office, boudoir, same difference.

(Something behind the door whines, perhaps in pain and perhaps not.)

Touga (blanching): Er…maybe he's busy right now.

(Something behind the door squeaks - and not a squeak in a fake rubber kind of way.)

Shanks (cringing): Yes, we don't want to bother him while he's running this school and corrupting the world.

(There is a quack.  It is long and drawn out.  Imagine it, if you will.  Are you shuddering with horror yet?)

Touga (dashing towards the elevator): Let's come back in an hour or two.

Shanks (running after him): Excellent idea. 

(They take the elevator out of there as quickly as they can.  Behind the door, there is a giggle of evil mirth.  The camera plunges bravely ahead and finds in the observatory - a hysterical Chopper, Carue, ShuShu, and Dios.)

Chopper (laughing): I can't believe they fell for it.

Carue: Quack!

Chopper: It was a good idea for revenge for Vivi - making Akio seem more perverted than he really is.

(Dios nods.)

Chopper: And it will definitely teach him not to mess with you, Dios.  Stupid humans.  Well, what do you guys want to do now?

ShuShu: Woof!

(Dios shakes his head.)

Chopper: Yeah, we have to find an activity we can all do.  Anyway, we already ravaged Mouji this morning.  We should let him heal up a bit and THEN ravage him again.

Carue: Quack!

(Dios beams.)

ShuShu: Woof!

Chopper: Original Nintendo, it is then. Let's go!

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Trailer Substitution:
"To tell you the truth, Hoss, ordinarily when a fella wrongs me like you done…??  Well, I jess take 'im out back and beat the tar out of 'em with a bike chain.  I find it a bit easier to accept an apology from someone spittin' up blood and broken teeth." - Crutch, KODT.

Sanji (confused): What are we analyzing?
Zoro (also confused): I don't know. You can't analyze a fact.

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