Legendary Super Kawaii

(Inside Party's Bar.  F.O.Z. Girl stands behind the counter with a supremely satisfied look on her face and watches the mayhem like a goddess surveying creation.)

Frat Guy #1 (yelling from the make-shift dance floor): This is awesome, F.O.Z. Girl.  When did you open your own bar?

F.O.Z. Girl: Consider this my opening day celebration!  All drinks are on the house of course!

(There is wild cheering and then the frat boys and sorority girls go back to their drinking games and whatnot.)

Sorority Sister Sepia: Er, didn't you say you were just watching this place as a favor to a friend?  Isn't she going to be mad that you're giving away all her alcohol for free?

F.O.Z. Girl: I'm taking money at the door.

Sorority Sister Sepia: Well, you were, until the guys took the money box to buy Cheetos.

F.O.Z. Girl (pondering): Hmm. No matter. I'll kick all the frat guys out in a bit.  That'll stop the madness.  They'll get bored soon anyway.  Then it will be just us sorority girls in here.  We'll have a slumber party!

(A wasted frat boy with a funnel on his head stumbles up to the counter.)

Frat Guy #444: Where's the bathroom?

F.O.Z. Girl: There's a wall outside.

Frat Guy #444 (looks confused for a second): Right. (stumbles off in search of the wall.)

Sorority Sister Sepia: Isn't there a bath-

F.O.Z. Girl (clamps her hand over Sepia's mouth): SHH!  Like I want to clean up after a bunch of drunk frat boys!  The Mysterious Bathroom remains girls-only.

Sorority Girl Sepia: Hmmf grfff.

F.O.Z. Girl (smugly): Yeah, I know it.

===============

(A not so sunlit part of the Smut Garden.  Nanami stands in the very useful shadows and smiles diabolically. )

Nanami (diabolical gleam in her eyes): Those pirates think they can do whatever they please.  I'll show them and that Himemiya too.  I'll show them that I, Nanami Kiryuu, rule Ohtori! (stops smiling diabolically, gleam in eyes die out) Ah yes, how surprising.  I'm the evil bitch again.  Why does this feel familiar? (looks up)  Have some creativity, Author.  Make me funny, make me cute, make me something.  I'm sick of being the bad guy.

[You aren't the bad guy.]

Nanami (happily): I'm not?

[Nope.  You're a tool. (laughs evilly)]

Nanami: (looks at script that she also bought off Nami) And I've done this before!  I'm not so stupid as to attempt the same diabolical scheme twice!  Give me some credit!  Just because you're too lazy to think of a plot - 

[(firm tones): Do it. Or I'll really start spamming you.]

Nanami (crosses her arms): No.

[Or I'll start spamming your BROTHER.  Do you want to see how twisted that can be?]

Nanami (unconcerned): Touga's so twisted that if you twisted him some more, he'd be normal.  Plus, I've read your Utena spam.  I don't think you can do anything worse than what has already been done.

[(muses): What shall I frighten Nanami with?  How about THIS!]

(Nanami's face wrenches into an ultra-kawaii smile.  Her eyes shine.  Her cheeks redden cutely for no apparent reason.  In jerky, robot-like motions, as if moving against her will, she clasps her hands to her chest and gives a stilted giggle.)

Nanami (through her kawaii smile): Stop…

[You want to be cute?  Oh, you'll be cute.]

Nanami (her eyes are kawaii, but fear filled): Stop…

(Nanami's facial features relax and she collapses on the ground, gasping for breath.)

Nanami (begins to sob): Oh, god.  I'll be evil!  I'll be evil!

[(smugly): That's what I thought.]

===============

(Ohtori.  Nami is walking through the school's hallway with a huge bag of treasure on her back.  Treasure perhaps is the wrong word.  She has collected dozens of CD players, random jewelry (most with the school crest on it) and whatever pocket money the overly trusting students of Ohtori have left in their unlocked dorm rooms.  She is whistling 'Material Girl.' Juri stands at a window, looking angstly out over the courtyard.)

Juri (turning and giving her the patented Juri Stare of Doom): Hello there, Miss Script-Seller.

Nami: Oh, hi there.

Juri: Strange how the script I bought ends right here.  Right at this scene when you show up.

Nami: Can't help that. My script ends there too.  I think the author had something to do with it.  So whatcha doing?

Juri (in her haughty way): Being my angsty elegant self.  What's it look like?

Nami (sees the necklace): Ah, I see why you're all angsty.

Juri (puts a protective hand over the locket and says haughtily): Yes, having one's true love reject you because she's straight does lead to excessive angst.

Nami:  No, no!  That's not it all!  You're carrying the weight of the world around your neck!  You have the One Locket of legend!

Juri: One Locket?

Nami (in a singsong voice): One Locket to rule them all, One Locket to bind them - no wonder you feel so angsty.  You must rid yourself of the One Locket or you will be driven mad!

Juri (frantic): But how am I to do that?

Nami: We have to melt that sucker down. (smiles diabolically and thinks) And then I'll sell it to those black market gold dealers I met by the wall with the convenient sunset!

Juri: But where can we do that?

Nami: Over there.

(Nami points at the sign that marks the road to the Incinerator of Doom.)

===============

Trailer Substitution:
(New Orleans.  The French Quarter is smoldering.  The members of the Arsonist Anonymous group are surveying the wreckage that is the nudie bar street.  Hikaru is tied up so that Conan can work unencumbered by cuteness.)

Conan: It appears that our suspect came here for only a short time.  Their knowledge of accelerants is truly outstanding.  I believe I've met a worth adversary.

Moderator: Um, Great One?  Can I raise a question?

Conan: Go ahead.

Moderator: Makino doused the nudie bars with cheap rum and dropped a match.  I hardly see how that makes her a worthy adversary.

Sailor Mars (preening): Makino has no style.  I could do twice as much damage with a Fire Mandala. (notices the Moderator giving her an evil glare) Not that I would…

Conan: Ah, but therein lies the beauty of the style.  She could have done more damage if she wished, but the fires were set so only these bars were destroyed.  Look.  There's not even a scorch mark on the bricks of the buildings they were next to.

Hikaru (through gag): …hmmf!….

Moderator: That's right, Hikaru.


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Terms Explained
The title - from one of my old DBZ fics (gets pelted with tomatoes from the good taste squad)
The author still hadn't seen the movie LotR at this point - but that doesn't stop the spam!