Intense Bushido Anonymous

(Inside Ohtori.  After being invited in by Touga and subsequently abandoned by Touga and Shanks, the Luffy Pirate Crew stand around, waiting for the plot to happen.)

Nami: Yeah, like that's likely.

[You just wait, Nami.  A BIG plot is going to happen to you.  And it isn't in that script you stole either!]

Nami: What?  You know about that?

(Nami begins flipping through the copy of the script she stole, while the plot proceeds.)

Luffy (nudges Zoro): Zoro.

Zoro: What?

Luffy: That guy keeps looking at you funny.

(Saionji and Zoro make eye contact.  They both quickly look away.)

Zoro (under breath): Shit. I know that guy. He goes to the 'Intense Busho Anonymous' meetings.

Usopp: That's the 12-step program you quit?

Zoro (indignant): I was cured.  I didn't quit.  Is he still looking at me?

Nami: Nope.  He's looking anywhere else but at you.  He's trying to be nonchalant and it isn't working.

Zoro: I hope he doesn't come over here.  It would be so embarrassing.

(On cue, Saionji approaches Zoro.)

Saionji: Yo.

Zoro: Er, hi.

Saionji: We miss you at the meetings.

Zoro (quickly): Yes, you know how it is, Wednesday nights are really busy for me -

Usopp: Zoro, I can tape Buffy if you want.

Zoro (hissing): Shut up!

Saionji (suspiciously): You seem…intense…today, Zoro.

Zoro (forces a smile): No, no, I'm very tense-less. 'Stress-free and happy to be,' just like our motto.

Saionji (dubious): Is that right, Zoro?

Zoro (forcing words out of his fake smile): Yes.  That  - is  - right.

Saionji (smirks): I can't say that I'm falling for your act, Zoro.  (Saionji pulls out his kendo sword and gets intense) I'm quite insulted that you thought you could LIE to me.  That you thought I was STUPID enough not to REALIZE that you were MOCKING me by assuming that I couldn't SEE THROUGH your PATHETIC lies!

Miki (sighs): Here he goes again.  I told him not to quit 'Intense Bushido' Anonymous.

Juri (looking in the script): He's using more capital letters than normal.

Miki (looking over her shoulder): That's cool.  Where'd you get a script?

Juri: The pirate girl sold it to me.

Zoro (gets intense): What do you mean by 'pathetic lies'?

Saionji (laughs mockingly): You aren't happy to be.  You aren't stress free.  You can't be!  You're a bushido!

Zoro (intensely): If I say I'm TENSE-FREE, that means I'm TENSE-FREE.

Miki (blinks): Past, present, progressive, potential, desiderative, conditional, imperative, non-past affirmative, gerund, alternative…which one could it be?

Juri: What are you talking about?

Miki: You can't live without grammatical tenses.

Saionji (throbbing vein intense): You aren't TENSE-FREE!

Zoro (brain aneurysm tense): THAT'S IT!  YOU'RE DOG FOOD, KENDO BOY!

===============

(Outside of the Science Club Room.  Utena is helping a wobbly Wakaba down the hallway.)

Wakaba:….hhhhnnnnn……

Utena: Thank Dios his hair went back on its own.

Wakaba: …..yyyyyyyyaaaaaaaa…….

Utena: And you were saying something about being strangely attracted to him?

Wakaba:…….aaaaarrrrrrrrr………

Utena: It's okay.  I locked the door.  He isn't going anywhere.

Wakaba:……eeeeehhhhh…….

Utena: I left more messages.  The Science Club has been informed of their new 'experiment.'

Wakaba:…..gaaaaaaaaa…….

Utena (shuddering): I'm going to have nightmares for weeks.  Oh, hey, Anthy.

(Anthy, Rose Bride, resident abused thing, and general weirdo, steps out of the shadows with a tray laden with shaved ice.  For a brief moment, light from an unknown source glints ominously off her glasses.)

Anthy: Hello Utena-sama.  Have you seen ChuChu?

Utena: The little monkey ran off.

Anthy (muttering): Stupid familiar!

Utena: What was that?

Anthy: Ha, nothing, nothing.  Want some shaved ice?

Utena: Hands are kinda full here.

Wakaba: ………nnnnnnnhhhhhhhh…….

Anthy: Oh.  That's alright.  I'll just be on my way then. See you back at the observatory.

Utena: Yup.  I'll be there right after I drop Wakaba off at the school psychologist.

Anthy: Take your time. 

(She smiles vacantly as Utena drags the incoherent Wakaba down the hallway.  When they round the corner, she dumps the shaved ice into a convenient trash bin, unlocks the door, and ducks into the room labeled, 'Science Club.')

===============

(The observatory.  Akio sits in front of an extensive communications center, replete with security cameras, infrared vision, and a thousand other different gadgets that would make the CIA and NSA drool with envy.  He watches every screen with paranoia because every screen is pointed at the Akio-Car.)

Akio (mumbling):  Precious car.  How dare she try and toast my car!  Crazy ass bartender…

(There is a general powering down of Akio's communications center.  The screens blip off one by one, leaving the Prince of Darkness in utter darkness.  If this were a show, you would only be able to see two round eyes on an otherwise black television screen.)

Akio: It's dark. Where's a flashlight when you need one? (pause)  The Appalachia power grid must be out again, affecting electricity output through the world. That or I burnt out a fuse or something.  Better go check it out….AGH!  THIS COULD BE THE BEGINNING OF HER DESTRUCTION!

(In the pitch darkness, random noises and curses are heard, simulating a man trying to race out of a pitch-dark room filled with plenty of furniture at knee-level.)

Akio (from the darkness): The observatory has two couches, a coffee table, and a giant telescope!  What the heck am I tripping over?

(After many hilarious, but only heard, pratfalls, Akio wrenches the door open and races out - intent on saving his car and restoring power to his paranoid communications center.  The room is returned to pitch darkness as the door closes.  Then…ever so slowly…a crack of light appears as the door is opened again.  Someone giggles evilly.)

===============

Random Quote Analysis:
If women are thieves, it is only because men want to be thieved from.  If women thieve the world's virility, it is only because men want to have it thieved, since for men to be responsible for their own manhood seems to be the last thing men want. - D.H. Lawrence, The Plumed Serpent

Sanji (lights a cigarette): I think Nami-san would be better at analyzing this quote.
Zoro: Where's Vivi?
Sanji: The author let her out.  I'm your new analyst.
Zoro: WHAT?  I've been trapped here just as long as she has!
Sanji: Vivi bribed the author.
Zoro: With what?
Sanji: With Kohza.
Zoro: You're kidding.
Sanji: I know.  I don't get it either.  Kohza isn't that great.  What about me?
Zoro: But why us?  Why not Luffy and Usopp?  Or Nami even?
Sanji (heart shaped smoke, hearts in eyes…you get the picture): …Nami-san…
Zoro: Snap out of it, dork.
Sanji: Oh yeah, anyway.  'Why us?' you ask.  Because the author is a sadist.  She likes to see others' in pain.  Especially you and me.
Zoro: Hey, I just insulted you and you didn't react at all.
(Sanji holds up his cigarette.  It appears to be much…fatter…than normal.)
Sanji: I was saving it for just such an occasion.
Zoro: Oh.  (pauses) Have anymore of those?


next
smut
home

===============
Intense Bushido Anonymous might sound familiar to readers of  SfaE. I swear I hadn't read that far in SfaE (up to the Kendo group plot) at the time.  It just seemed like a good explanation why Wufei wasn't in Arsonist Anon.  And like Shayla Shayla says - that's a really big group.